Siren: Storytime! Storytime!

Muse: Oh, boy! I love storytime! (snacks on bowl of kettle corn)

Siren: Ahem. (steals some kettle corn) Once upon a time, our school TV announcements came up with an anti-bullying commercial. It was black and white shots of kids standing there saying, "I am..." For example, a pregnant girl said, "I am a pregnant teen." A guy wearing a Hello Kitty shirt said, "I am gay." There was no walrus. How this was anti-bullying, no one knows. Regardless, you will understand this in the story later.

Muse: Moving on! Disclaimer!

(poof) Vincent Valentine: ...

Muse: What exactly does ... mean, anyway?

Siren: It means 'I am sexy. Kidnap me and keep me in your basement.'

Vincent: It means nothing of the sort. Sirens & Muses don't own FF7 or ToS. (poof)

Siren: NO! He's gone! (cries)

Muse: Look! A Vincent doll! (holds up doll)

Siren: (squeal) Review, please! Reviews make me happy. Like this doll.

We last left our heroes as they were getting ready to head back across the ocean, having unlocked another seal and foiled another villain's plan. After knocking Raine out, they climbed into the washtub and headed back to land.

"Hey, Colette?" Genis asked once they were on the boat. "Why is Kratos sitting in the corner and giggling?"

"Oh," the blonde replied. "Since I stole his booze, he's been having some trouble being emo, so Lloyd gave him some of his pot!"

"Wouldn't that make him less emo?" Genis asked. "That doesn't make too much sense."

"Nothing does, Genis," Colette said cheerfully.

Just then, Lloyd passed by where Kratos was giggling at nothing. "Oh, I get it!" he said, joining Kratos in his giggling.

After reaching land, prying Lloyd and Kratos away from whatever was so funny about that corner, and dragging Raine off the boat, Colette and Genis (the only members of the group that weren't high or unconscious due to severe hydrophobia) made their way up past Hakonesia Peak and onto Asgard.

"Welcome to Asgard, City of Ruins!" a WalMart greeter cried.

"Ruins?!" Raine screamed, awakening from her water-induced coma. "Did you say something about old rocks?!"

"Uh, yes," WalMart Greeter said. "This is Asgard. Our main claim to fame is old rocks."

And she was gone, dragging her students/mercenary to the ruins.

"Lloyd, state the historical background of this ruin, while making me grilled cheese and standing on your head."

"What?" Lloyd asked, who wanted to count his own toes, but couldn't find them.

"It's the temple where Cleo III-ow!" Genis was hit in the head with an owl. "What the hell, Raine?"

"Genis, I wasn't asking you. Lloyd, answer the question," she replied.

"Uh…look! Kratos is singing karaoke!" He pointed to the stage.

"All that I'm after is a life full of laughter," Kratos was singing. "As long as I'm laughing with you!"

"Kratos, get down from there!" Raine snapped. "I swear, it's like travelling with a group of two year olds."

"Cause I know there's no life after you!"

While Raine attempted to get Kratos off the stage, Lloyd wandered over to the other side.

"Linar, this is my invention, the 'breaker'," a strange red-haired person was saying. "We gonna blow this shit up!"

"But, Harley," the blunette he was speaking to said. "It's a pretty rock! It has historical importance!"

"Dude, I don't think you understand. Your sister is going to die because of this rock," Harley said. "Which means I'm running out of time to sleep with her. We have to destroy it!"

"It's the Brave Little Toaster to the rescue!" Lloyd cried, attacking the rock offenders with toast.

"It's not what you think!" Linar cried. "I wasn't having a gay fantasy about Harley! Or blowing up the ruin!"

"Hey, Professor! Someone's going to blow up the ruins!" Lloyd called.

"NO! I WILL NOT ALLOW IT!" Raine came careening over and tackled both men to the ground. "You call yourselves human beings?!"

"I am a half-elf," Harley said.

"I am an emo kid!" Kratos cried.

"I am a blonde!" Colette proclaimed.

"I am confused about my sexuality!" Genis shouted.

"I am the walrus!" Lloyd yelled.

Raine then moved her arms in a wild motion and somehow, without even touching the switch, managed to flip it, killing them all in a bloody explosion.

Or not.

After some severe stomach kicking by Raine, Lloyd stopped the breaker. By stabbing it.

"We're cool!" he said, giving a thumbs up sign.

"You thar!" the Mayor said, running up the stairs to the ruin even though he's a ninety year old man with a cane. "What you be doing?"

"What be with the pirate speak?" Kratos asked. The Mayor pointed.

"Oot of here!"

"Oh, so now it's a Scottish accent? The hell?" Kratos, Colette, and Genis left, with Kratos occasionally throwing various items at Genis, i.e. a handful of grass, a rock, a mayor, etc.

Meanwhile, behind the ruin…

"Oh, no!" Harley cried. "It's the Mayor! Run!"

Linar threw up his hands as he and his friend ran off, screaming like Genis. Raine and Lloyd followed them.

Despite the fact that the previous events hadn't involved any of the other characters, everyone seemed to be up to date with the fact that they were almost blown to smithereens. So, they decided to talk to the bomb fiends. Actually, that's a lie. Only Raine wanted to talk. Lloyd and Kratos wanted to kick their asses, Genis didn't have a choice in the matter, and Colette can't even recall her own name, so she just followed them like a duckling.

Once inside the bomb-makers' house-because people just do that in real world, wander into random houses-they were faced with the worst insult of all of Symphonia.

"What did you call us?!" Lloyd screamed, while Genis fainted like a Southern Belle and Kratos simply glowered. Colette was fanning Genis' face while Raine gasped.

"That's right," Harley said. "I called you tourists."

"Do I have a fanny pack? How about a camera? Or Capri jeans and sensible white sneakers?" Lloyd bitchslapped Harley. "How dare you!"

"Harley!" Aisha cried. "Don't call them tourists! This is my house!" She paused. "By the way, what are you doing here? And why do you have three pairs of my underwear?"

"Because…look, a distraction!" Harley pointed at the wall before making his daring escape.

"Okay, then," Aisha said. "Thank you for stopping them, even though I'm going to be sacrificed now because you did."

"Sacrificed? Like a virgin? Touched for the very first time?" Lloyd asked. Kratos slapped him.

"I draw the line at Madonna!" he yelled.

"Man! Killjoy. I even shared my drugs with you."

"Yeah," Linar said sadly. "The townspeople got bored and there was a wind demon terrorizing the town, so they figured human sacrifice was a good solution to both problems."

After a short pause, Lloyd asked the question you're all asking, "Where the fuck did you come from?"

"Over there," Linar said, nodding.

"Oh."

The group stood around in silence for a few minutes before Lloyd said, "Okay, so how about we let the wind demon kill Raine instead?"

"Whatnow?" she asked.

"Sounds okay to me," Kratos agreed.

"Whoa, whoa, did you guys just decide this?!" Raine said.

"Yes," Colette said happily.

"But I do enjoy living. It's kind of nice. And Genis won't allow it, will he?" Raine pleaded with her little brother.

"Of course not! You can't kill my sis-gaaaah." Genis was knocked out with a naker.

"Where'd that small Arabic drum come from?" Lloyd asked. No one answered.

"So, it's settled," Kratos said. "Raine will be sacrificed, Genis will remain unconscious, Colette will replace my booze-"

"Like hell I will!" she cried.

"-Lloyd will stand there, and I will continue being a sex object for fangirls. Any objections?"

"Yes, I have a few very strong objections," Raine began.

"Any objections I'm going to actually listen to? No? Okay, let's posse out." Kratos led the way out, dragging a protesting, about-to-be-sacrificed Raine with him. Lloyd followed, playing polo with his sword and Genis' unconscious body. Colette skipped merrily along behind them. And the authors ended this chapter.