Siren: Hey, people! Sorry for the disappearance.
Muse: We had finals last week.
Siren: That being said, we'll try to update more, now that there's no school and less hours to work.
Muse: Disclaimer!
(poof) Noishe: Sirens & Muses don't own ToS.
Siren: ...You can talk?
Noishe:...I mean...whine. (poof)
Siren: Reviews are good for your heart and kidneys!
We rejoin our heroes as they wait patiently for Remiel to show up. In the meantime, Namco decided this would be a convenient time to foreshadow a boss battle.
Sheena ran up to where Noishe stood, just hanging around guarding the ruins. Instead of doing the logical thing and flicking his nose or something, she decided the best course of action was to waste time and energy to call upon a magical being to come from nowhere. Said magical being flipped out of an explosion of smoke and stood in front of Noishe, which apparently was enough to frighten him into immobilization. Because, you know, its not like he's forty times bigger than this guinea pig with wings, and can't just step on it.
Regardless, the cutscene ends with Sheena rushing into the Balacruf Mausoleum after her foes.
We now return to our heroes, who are standing there waiting around for a giant bird to attack them. Genis was crushed under the wing of the giant bird, who then proceeded to peck his eyes out. After that, Kratos and Lloyd tried to attack it. However, birds can fly. It didn't occur to either swordsman to, say, throw their swords. So Colette proved herself useful by flying up and killing the bird. This will be the last time she ever does anything useful.
After this long and completely uninteresting battle, Remiel finally decided to grace the heroes with his presence.
"Chosen One, you have done well," he stated. "You will receive this rainbow zap as a gift."
Colette sneezed as a jet of rainbow color hit her. "Geez, is that all? Dumb."
"Fine! Ungrateful bitch, here! I'll teach you to sing, which does absolutely nothing in a battle. In fact, the player will probably end up disabling it because it only succeeds in wasting TP! So take that!" Remiel disappeared in a puff of feathers.
The group headed down the stairs and past all those beautiful traps that were a pain in the ass to get through. They were then greeted by Sheena, the female sex object of the game.
"This ruin shall be your graveyard!" she shouted, then attacked them with her weird guardian of the wind thing. Because what else do you do after a statement like that? Throw a pillow at them?
Since Sheena had decided not to throw pillows at them, our heroes had no choice but to kick her ass. Lloyd stood there, caught between ogling Sheena's chest and being too dumb to know what the word 'ogling' means. Colette chased Sheena around, trying to give her a friendship muffin, while Raine and Kratos proceeded to actually do something productive and beat their ninja foe.
"Why can't I win?" she screamed.
"I dunno," Lloyd said. "The script says something about 'goodness and love', but I think it's just because you suck."
"If you're good, I'm good as well!" Sheena yelled.
"It's like Namco is trying to spoil the plot," Kratos grumbled.
"Your regeneration journey destroys my world," Sheena explained. "By all rights, because I'm here to kill you, I shouldn't be telling you this, but to hell with it."
She then ran up the steps and into the ruins.
"Wait, come back!" Raine cried. However, she didn't come back.
"Isn't anyone going to go chase her?" Genis asked. "I mean, she's running into a dead end. She can't go anywhere."
"Stop pointing out plotholes, Genis!" Raine cried, throwing a boulder at him.
"That girl…is she…?" Kratos foreshadowed quietly.
"Yes. Yes, she is," Lloyd said. The group then abruptly left.
Out by the entrance, Colette conveniently collapsed into Lloyd's arms.
"Ten points for a good catch," Kratos commented.
"It's the Angel Toxicosis, or maybe the flu," Raine said. "She needs rest."
Suddenly, Lloyd got tired of holding Colette up and throw her on the ground, then fell next to her for no apparent reason.
"Ten points for a nice unprompted plot device," Kratos said.
Our heroes began to set up camp, which was actually just a fire. What will they do if it rains?
"Colette, show me your hand," Lloyd commanded.
"No, you freak! God, what is it with your weird hand fetish?" Colette shoved her hands in her pockets to protect them.
"Fine, fine, let's just drink some hot coffee," Lloyd grumbled.
"I like ducks," Colette informed him, going back into her dumb state.
"I'm sure you do. Hold the coffee. Isn't it hot?"
"Yes, very hot. My hand is actually on fire," the blonde said.
"It's actually iced coffee," Lloyd confessed. "I had Genis make it cold."
"Why the fuck would you do that? It's, like, twenty degrees out here!" Colette said.
"I lied. It's actually hot."
"…You're a dick, Lloyd." She then beat him unconscious with the mug. "Tell me, Lloyd, is it hot or cold?"
"Cause you're hot and you're cold," Kratos sang.
"OW! Crazy bitch! It's hot! It's hot!" Lloyd screamed.
"Hey, you're a crazy bitch," Kratos continued singing.
"Can you help me, please, Kratos?" Lloyd called, still being beaten with the mug of multi-thermal coffee.
"Tell me what you want from me," Kratos kept going.
"Fuck you!" Lloyd screamed.
Finally, after pounding Lloyd's face in and pouring the hot coffee down his pants, Colette brushed off her dress and went to sleep.
The next morning, the group headed off for Luin, for no clearly stated reason.
"Whoa, everything's all broked," Lloyd said.
Over by the fountain, the group discovered that Sheena was hanging around, half dead. While people with half a brain would have just killed her, Colette and Lloyd convinced Raine to heal her.
"But first, tell me what happened here," Raine said.
"You're as devious as you look," Sheena said.
"…How does she look devious?" Lloyd asked. "I don't get it."
"The Desians destroyed this city," Sheena grunted.
"Why?" Colette asked.
"I don't know, something about not selling Twix here."
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a voice called for help.
"Help me!" A random priest came power-walking as fast as his stubby, devout legs could carry him away from a giant monster. Then, for no reason, they both stopped.
"It's what's-her-bucket!" Lloyd yelled.
"You mean Clara?" Kratos said, rolling his eyes. "Dumbass. Can't even remember your own name."
"Yes, I can! It's…Josh? No, wait, Randal?"
Sheena ran up to protect the slow moving priest and ended up getting bitch-slapped by Clara. So, Colette did what any normal person would do and started up a conversation with the priest-eating monster. And got bitch-slapped.
"You got pwn'd!" Kratos taunted.
"Where'd Clara go?" Genis asked. He was once again beaten for bringing attention to the plotholes of this story.
"Alright, heal the talking boobs," Lloyd said. "God knows, without her the plot can't go on."
"Cool, now let's go save the people at the Human Ranch," Sheena said.
"Well, that was blunt," Lloyd said.
"Do we have to?" Kratos whined. "I really have shit I need to do. I mean, Law & Order is on tonight."
"…Kratos, TV's don't exist," Lloyd siad. "And besides, we have to stop Kvar-"
"WHAT ABOUT KILLING, MAIMING, RAPING, AND/OR SLAUGHTERING KVAR?" Kratos screeched.
"Um, I didn't say killing, maiming, raping, and/or slaughtering him, but we have to save-" Lloyd began again.
"Let's go!" Without further ado, Kraots proceeded to drag Lloyd and the rest of the group out to the ranch and towards the end of this chapter.