Siren: So, truth time. This chapter has been sitting in our folder, half-finished for, oh...how long?

Muse: Well, we have a note in here that reminds us to mention that Namco is coming out with an HD remake, so...it's been quite a while.

Siren: Huh. Hey, by the way, Namco came out with an HD remake. A year ago.

Muse: Timely reminders! And now, a disclaimer!

(poof) Gilbert Gottfried: Sirens & Muses don't own Tales of Symphonia or its HD remake.

Siren: Ah, the docile, sweet tones. How grande. How majestic.

Gilbert Gottfried: Whatever. I just do this for the paycheck.

Muse: Paycheck?

Siren: Oh, you are sorely mistaken.

Gilbert Gottfried: You sayin' you can't pay me?

Muse: Nope!

Siren: Not a dime.

Gilbert Gottfried: In that case, I'm going to have to sell one of your kidneys on eBay. (pulls out a butcher's knife)

Siren: Whoops! Bye! (ditches)

Muse: Oh. Good. This is going to be fun weekend.

We rejoin our heroes as they head on back to Magical Unicorn Lake of Puppified Rainbows, or something like that.

"Unicorn time!" Lloyd shouted. Kratos slapped him.

"You idiot. You have to be a pure maiden. Which means you're out."

"Aw. Sad face."

"And so am I, being as I'm male," Genis said. Lloyd laughed.

"Oh, Genis, you're such a funny little girl."

"But I am a guy!" Genis yelled.

"Oh, that's such a funny joke!"

"I have a-"

"SO FUNNY!"

"Okay, well, moving on," Sheena said. "Me, Colette, and Raine will go. You guys just…stay here and try not to light things on fire."

"Um, I can't go, I'm an adult," Raine said awkwardly.

"That's ambiguous," Lloyd said. "Does that mean you're a slut-bag, or that you're just afraid of the water?"

"That's up to the interpretation of the gamer," Raine answered.

"So, slut-bag?"

Sheena facepalmed."Undine! Take us to the unicorn." The blue rock glowed and Undine popped out.

"What, you guys can't swim? Lazy assholes," she mumbled.

As Colette and Sheena reached the unicorn, he came to the surface. He did not look happy.

"Agh! What the hell is it? You know, you guys be all about waking me up and-"

"Oh, Mrs. Unicorn, can we borrow your horn, pretty please?" Colette begged.

"Wha-I'm a man!"

"Oh, Mrs. Unicorn, don't be silly."

"Please can we have your horn?" Sheena asked. The unicorn kicked her in the boob.

"Hell, no! That's like ripping out my heart! I'll die!"

"Unicorns die?" Colette asked, shocked.

"You'll just be reborn in the next unicorn," Sheena said. "Come on, hand it over."

"I'm sorry, how would you like to be reborn? I have to be potty-trained, go through unicorn puberty, my first awkward unicorn date, that time I experimented in Unicorn Summer Camp with Xavier the Ultra Fabulous Unicorn-"

"Gimme that horn!" Sheena ripped the horn from his head.

"Ow! Ow! You crazy bitch! I hope you burn in hell!" He dropped dead, trailing rainbows as he fell.

"Horsey? Horsey? Are you dizzy, like Mommy was when she fell down?" Colette kicked him a little bit. "Horsey?"

"Um, let's just go back," Sheena said, dragging Colette behind her.

Back at shore, Kratos was chugging bottles of Jack Daniels. Alone.

"Kratos, do you think maybe it's time we talk about your chronic alcohol abuse?" Sheena said. Kratos hissed at her and hugged his booze closer. "Whatever."

"That's right, whatever, you stay the hell away from my Jack Daniel's." Kratos drained the bottle and threw it into the lake. "How'd it go with the spiky horse?"

"Mrs. Unicorn died," Colette said miserably.

"No shit," Kratos said. "Unicorns die and are reborn again. That's why unicorns are circles or something."

"I thought that was phoenixes," Sheena said.

"I dunno, it's 9:30 in the morning and I'm already drunk."

"Hey, where's everyone else?" Sheena asked, looking around. "Didn't we have a pet idiot or something?"

"They went off skipping merrily into the woods with a hacksaw. Don't worry about it."

"A…hacksaw?" Sheena shrugged. "Welp, not my problem."

Lloyd appeared, dragging a bloody sack. "Hey guys, nothing to see here, just chucking this sack of garbage into the lake." The sack gave a loud moan. "Shut up, Ge-I mean, sack. Sack is what I meant."

Raine appeared behind him, whistling as nonchalantly as someone covered in blood can. "Let's get a move on. I need to take a shower, and also, Lloyd and I were with you the whole time." Raine twinkled. "The hell? I just learned resurrection?"

"Oh, shit, you're not going to resurrect Ge-I mean, this sack, are you?" Lloyd quickly threw the sack into the water. "Quick, let's get out of here before the cops show up!"

Several hours later, after the group had successfully avoided David Caruso from CSI: Miami, they arrived at everyone's second-favorite giant tower, the Tower of Mana!

"Books! Books! I love books! Sexy, sexy books! I love you books!" Raine began yanking books of shelves and tenderly caressing them. "Yes, books…beautiful books…you are my one true love…"

"Oooookay, she's gone," Kratos said. "Dumbass, Big Boobs, Ditz, go stand on those circles."

The three did just that. A door magically opened off to the side. "So, who's staying behind?" Lloyd asked. "Because, you know…I would, but I'm the main character."

"Drag Raine over here," Kratos said. "You and I will go. Just me and you. Alone. In a tower. Where no one can hear you scream."

"What?"

"Nothing. Nothing. Let's go." Kratos went through the door, dragging Lloyd behind him.

"You're going to kill me, aren't you? Yeah, you're going to kill me. They're never going to find my body." He stopped. "Wait a minute. Doesn't Colette have to be in our party to release the seal?"

"Don't worry," Kratos assured him. "Everything is perfectly murder."

"What?"

"I mean, um, fine. Everything's fine. No murder going on here, no siree."

"Is everyone in this chapter a blood-thirsty psychopath?" the teenager asked grumpily.

Meanwhile, back downstairs…

"OH GOD THE BLOOD IS EVERYWHERE!" Sheena screamed as Colette ran around with a chainsaw and Raine began feeling up more books.

Moving on…

"Why…are…there…so…many…fucking…stairs?" Lloyd wheezed. He collapsed at Kratos' feet. Kratos kicked him.

"Please," Kratos snorted. "I live on, like, the 9.3838472638405039274828736573872019374839*10^35th floor. This is a piece of cake for me. I have to walk this many stairs just to go to the bathroom. Of course, sometimes I just piss on Yuan's door…or his shoes…"

They reached the next floor. "Alright, so we're here!" Lloyd cried joyously while throwing confetti into the air and skipping. "What now?"

There was a large machine with two blue circles on it. "Stand here," Kratos commanded.

"Go fuck yourself."

"I slept with your mother and she enjoyed it, step on the damn circle." Kratos folded his arms while Lloyd tried to deal with his mental scarring.

"Hello? Hello, can anyone hear me?" Sheena appeared on the other circle.

"Hey, cool, boobs. Where's everyone else?"

"Um…Raine is…indisposed. I don't know doing what exactly, but she went into another room with the books and I saw her bra go flying out, but anyway, Colette is trying to kill me with a chainsaw, can you come help?"

"No. No I will not help you."

Sheena sighed. "Fine. I'll just find you two. Stay where you are."

She gathered up the remaining members and went through a door and appeared in a room with…

…Seriously, what are those? Are they…lightbulbs? Reflective balls of glass? Magic?

After an irritating puzzle reminiscent of The Wind Waker's horrific earth temple, with those damnable giant mirrors and beams of deadly light and that stupid bird lady that I always throw into walls and-

"The fuck is going on up there?" Sheena yelled to the authors. A reindeer suddenly rammed through the door and nailed her in the face."Fuck mothering…" she grumbled, getting up. "Let's just go."

After a quick puzzle, more stairs, and some yellow bridges, the group met in front of the teleporter.

"Okay, let's get on with it," Sheena said. Colette revved her chainsaw enthusiastically while Raine whispered sweet nothings to a book.

They wondered onto the roof. Suddenly, a giant…winged…horse…thing…with disco legs popped out.

"The fuck…is that?" Lloyd asked. Raine pulled out a giant book.

"Iubaris. It's Latin for "beam," and is a-" She was suddenly thrown off the Tower by Iubaris.

Lloyd drew his swords. "Okay. We're gonna call you Rowlin."

"That's such a stupid name," Kratos mumbled.

The Iubaris attacked them, and Colette used Judgement. Unfortunately for her, it didn't work. The monster just trampled her flatter than her own chest. Sheena pulled out a deck of cards and tried to play blackjack with it, but all that did was bring up her compulsive gambling addiction again. Lloyd mostly stood there with a vacant look on his face, although he did tweet about the battle.

LMAO KrayKray getin ass kicked lol

#LightSeal#WorldRegen#Nachos#UnnecassaryHashtagging

"Oh for the love of…Lloyd! You're an idiot!" Kratos punched him in the face and killed Iubaris.

"Chosen of Mana," Remiel boomed. "Get your ass up to the altar and pray."

"Oh, okay!" Colette skipped merrily up. "Oh, Goddess Martel, protector and nurturer of the earth, and also CEO of Taco Bell, grant me thy strength, and maybe some Doritos Locos Tacos, Cool Ranch flavor."

"…I need a raise."

Instead of Remiel floating down, a random chick on a moon appeared. "Hey, bitches, where's Aska? Douchehole owes me money."

"Um…what?" Sheena asked.

"It talked!" Lloyd yelled. Luna smacked him with her staff.

"Shut up, you future high-school dropout. Without Aska, I ain't helping you!"

"Who are you?" Sheena questioned. Luna disappeared, flipping them off with both hands as she left.

"Well, that was strange, but let's just ignore it for now," Kratos insisted.

Lloyd looked at him. "You don't think we should, maybe, try to figure out-?"

"Nonono, let's just listen to the angel and keep on trucking on." Kratos pointed. "Look, there he is now!"

Indeed, Remiel had finally appeared. "Chosen One, the time is almost near. Soon, you will be able to climb the stairway-don't you dare make a Led Zepplin joke-and ascend to heaven."

"I am so tweeting about this," Lloyd said.

Go Colette! Soooo proud of you!

#WorldRegen#GoddessMartel #SomethingSomethingHeaven#JimmyPage#IHaveAMullet

"Would you knock it off?" Kratos duct-taped Lloyd's fingers together. "Geez."

"So, anyway," Remiel said. "Head on over to the Tower of Overcompensation and you'll truly become an angel. See ya. Oh, I almost forgot. Have an absolutely useless power. It literally does nothing but kill you. It's ridiculous." He vanished in a zap of light.

"Well, I learned a move called Sacrifice. Don't know what that's about. Foreshadowing or something." Colette shrugged.

"Welp, let's get a move on. I need to stop at the liquor store, by the way," Kratos said. "All out of Jack Daniel's, had to drink nineteen bottles of cough syrup instead. Grape flavor, very tasty."

"Hey, are we just not going to mention Genis' gruesome death?" Sheena asked.

The chapter suddenly ended.

"Guess not, then."