Author's Note: Thanks again to everyone who has taken the time to read this story. Sorry for the delay. I had some trouble thinking about what I wanted to write, but once I started writing, the words seemed to flow. In this chapter, you find out very early on who Nat is (if you haven't already figured it out). This chapter has a lot of talking, but for those that love smut, I promise it'll be coming up soon :).
Disclaimer: Still own nothing
Chapter 4: From Cams to Coffee
"Kurt?"
It only took another second for Nat's camera to connect, but Kurt knew exactly whom he was talking with based on the voice alone. Words escaped him as he just stared slack jawed at the face in front of him. The face staring at him was a mix of confusion, surprise, and had a slightly dopey grin.
"No, no, no, no" was all Kurt could say before he quickly disconnected the camera. His body wasn't allowing him to get up, his eyes glued to the computer screen. He noticed a few messages pop up asking if he were still there. Kurt just continued to stare, not bothering to type anything back. Suddenly, he felt his phone vibrating. He glared down at the number, knowing who it was. Kurt rolled his eyes, forgetting that they've already exchanged phone numbers.
"Hello," Kurt said, lacking all emotion.
"Kurt, are you OK?" the voice on the other line asked. "Get back on camera. I think it'll be easier to talk that way." There was a slight pause before Kurt heard, "please?"
Reluctantly, Kurt hit the button once again to connect the cameras. The face popped up again, this time showing some concern, obviously seeing how disturbed Kurt was by the whole situation.
"You OK?"
Kurt just continued to stare at the camera before finally asking, "Dave?"
A shy grin crept up over Dave Karofsky's mouth. Kurt just couldn't believe it. His ex bully was Nat. The guy that tormented him, unexpectedly (and without want) kissed him, admitted he was in love with him, and then tried to kill himself . . . this is the guy that Kurt has been opening up to. Dave Karofsky now knows things about Kurt that no one else, including his friends, his family, even Blaine, knows about him.
"Yeah, Kurt," Dave replied, still grinning. "It's me. I can't sit here and say I'm not shocked too. This is wild."
"I don't know if I can do this," Kurt mumbled, his hand inches away from disconnecting the camera again. "This is all too much for me to handle."
"I understand, Kurt." Kurt was surprised at how soothing Dave's voice was. Sure, he and Dave talked for a little bit after Dave got out of the hospital, but summer came and their lives took over. Kurt didn't even know Dave was in college, let alone that he was in New York. Hearing his voice sound so understanding, even without saying much, was allowing him to comprehend that Dave and Nat were the same people; this was the same person who opened up about not being in love and sharing some of Kurt's confusion.
"Kurt?"
He hadn't even realized he was zoning out again. His mind was going a mile a minute, still not fully comprehending that he was, in fact, in reality.
"Wow, this is really freaking you out," Kurt heard Dave say. "I'm really sorry, Kurt. Obviously, I had absolutely no clue that it was you, and I never wanted to make you this uncomfortable. But, I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy our conversations – and more than just because they were totally a turn on." Dave couldn't help but grin again as he said the last part, which only made Kurt blush.
"I'd also be lying if I said I think it wouldn't be good for us to talk," Dave continued. "We should have a real conversation, in person."
Kurt knew that Dave was right. Having a history with Dave, Kurt understood that he couldn't just ignore Dave's request. While he trusted that Dave wouldn't say anything to anyone back home, there was that one small part of Kurt that was fearful everyone would know. And, though his conversations with Dave were helpful, he couldn't help but still feel some shame about liking what he likes. Feeling that shame only added to Kurt's frustration. Finally, Kurt found himself able to speak.
"I agree, what did you have in mind?"
Two hours later, Kurt found himself sitting in Dave's kitchen. Once again, he was thinking of how surreal this entire situation was. He was sitting in David Karofsky's kitchen, getting ready to have a conversation about their mutual interest in kink. If he wasn't completely freaking out, he figured he'd have to laugh. He reminded himself to do so later.
While seemingly looking more comfortable, Dave also couldn't believe what was happening. He enjoyed talking with BroadwayBound. Never in a million years would he have believed that it was Kurt Hummel. The guy he was talking with didn't seem to be the Kurt he knew; this was someone who didn't want to be in control, and constantly seemed to doubt his feelings and wants. The Kurt Dave knew was the exact opposite, an overly confident, sure of himself guy. He realized, though, that Kurt had explained that he could be overwhelmed by always feeling that he needs to be in control.
Dave was also incredibly happy that his roommates were both away for the weekend. He wanted to sit down with Kurt and talk with him. Even though they had drifted apart, Dave valued having Kurt in his life. Though Kurt forgave him, Dave freely admitted to himself that he still felt bad for the way things went down in high school. He bullied and threatened him, only because he was scared of who he was, and jealous of how bold Kurt was. Hell, he was the reason Kurt had to transfer schools for a bit. He started to wonder how he ever was that person. So, here they were, sitting in his kitchen, each with a mug of coffee. Dave had so much he wanted to say; yet they sat there in awkward silence.
Kurt figured he'd get the ball rolling, but wasn't sure how comfortable he was bringing up anything related to sex. Yes, he was starting to open up when he was talking with a nameless, faceless entity. Not only was this person real, but someone who already knew a lot about Kurt. He thought that this could be an advantage because they know so much about one another, but that line of reasoning just wasn't coming through. He decided to start with something simple.
"So, Dave, how did you end up in New York?"
Dave explained that a lot had happened his senior of high school, some of which Kurt obviously knew. He was aware that after Dave had attempted to commit suicide, he began seeing a therapist. Dave told him how he and the therapist did a lot of work to help Dave feel more comfortable with who he was, and how he has been able to accept who he was. His dad was supportive, just happy that Dave was OK. He smiled as he shared that his mother came around after her initial shock, especially after having some family sessions with his therapist.
As for New York, Dave said that he knew he had to get out of Ohio. He loved his family, but didn't think that he'd truly be able to accept who he was and really be alright with being gay if he stayed in the same environment. His parents had savings set aside for Dave to go to college, and his father agreed that wherever Dave wanted to go, he would help him make it happen. He admitted that Kurt was an influence in terms of picking New York. He recalled how much Kurt, Rachel, and Blaine would talk about finally getting to New York. And though he had no performing aspirations, Dave couldn't help but think that he could find himself more in a big city. He also talked about knowing there were people from his past that he trusted in the same city was helpful, even if he believed it was unrealistic that they'd ever run into one another.
Kurt truly was happy for Dave. He had forgiven him, even though some of the memories were painful. Though he always held to the idea that it didn't justify Dave's actions, he understood being scared. Hearing Dave's story only made him happier, but he wasn't sure how to respond. What was really just small talk wasn't cutting it, and it was obvious to them both.
"This is fucking crazy," Kurt mumbled, placing his empty mug down.
"So are we going to address the obvious elephant in the room?" Dave asked, collecting the mugs and placing them in the sink.
Kurt let out a heavy sigh. "I'm scared as hell to have this conversation, but that's why I'm here, right?" Dave only nodded, as this is the first time Kurt has really begun to talk about anything since the big reveal a few hours ago. "I guess I'll start by asking you how you even realized you were into this stuff, Dave."
Dave laughed, sitting back down on the couch, motioning for Kurt to take a seat in the chair in the living room. "Where to begin," Dave spoke. "It started while I was in therapy. I guess I should rephrase that. I started acknowledging it in therapy. In high school, I did watch a few porno movies on my laptop, but was so scared that someone was going to find out. I think I deleted my browser history about every 20 minutes while I was at home. Anything that could even been perceived as gay need to be erased immediately. I got really turned on when I heard a guy be verbal. Since I thought there was no way I could be gay, I'd watch straight porn too, and I really liked when those guys were verbally aggressive too. Looking back, if I pictured myself in that scenario, I was saying those things, but to another guy. The idea, though, of ever doing anything with a guy seemed so far-fetched. Santana was actually right. I thought I'd just end of marrying some woman and having a family, even though I knew I didn't want that."
Kurt nodded, wanting Dave to continue. "When I brought that up to my therapist, I was so scared. I didn't think I'd be judged; by that time, we had a great relationship, and he was already helping me so much. What really frightened me was thinking about you, Kurt. I associated being aggressive sexually to the way that I treated you. I was worried that if I wanted to be with a guy, it couldn't be healthy. Name-calling, rough kissing, etc., how could anyone actually want that, especially seeing how much damage it did to you?"
Dave took a deep breath before he went on. "I never told anyone else other than my therapist that. He helped me realize, though, that there is a huge difference between sexual aggressiveness against someone that doesn't want it (he couldn't help by glance at Kurt when saying that) vs. consenting adults agreeing to engage in kinky stuff. We talked and I said I was interested in looking up some things online, maybe even talk with a few people with similar interests. He was really encouraging, just making sure that I was safe, didn't give out any personal information to someone who may not be who they said they were, etc. So, that's what I did. I found a couple blogs online, and one of them was really interesting. This guy modeled for a bondage-themed website and wrote about different experiences he's had, both on and off the site. So, I sent him an email, and we chatted for a little bit. He explained to me a lot of what my therapist said about there being a big difference, but was able to give me the perspective of someone who has done these types of things. For the first time in my life, I thought that maybe these interests could be something that I could explore. I think that's also one of the reasons I had to get away; even if I wasn't living at home, fooling around with a guy in any sense would've been awkward knowing that my parents weren't too far away."
As he spoke, Dave seemed to get more confident and comfortable with what he was talking about. "This guy, the one from the blog, he told me about the kink site where we started talking. I joined it and started to talk with different guys. It's where I learned about the things we discussed, like meeting up to talk first and stuff like that. And then I had the experience I told you about." Both smiled at the thought of Dave's experience.
Leaning back, Dave looked directly at Kurt. "Your turn," he said. "I believe you said something about getting tied up. Care to share?"
Kurt knew this was coming. Part of him was secretly hoping that Dave wouldn't stop talking, but it was inevitable, especially since Kurt was the first one to ask the question about how Dave became interested. Wringing his hands, Kurt leaned forward and told Dave everything that happened before Christmas. He talked about getting drunk with Cody, making out, and then Cody suggesting role-play. He found himself stumbling over his statements, but Dave just let him talk, offering him a comforting smile. As difficult as it may have been to talk about everything, Kurt found it to be somewhat cathartic, as it was the first time he ever verbalized what went down with Cody.
Eventually, Kurt relayed to Dave how the role-play turned into Cody tying Kurt up, which he didn't mind at first. He talked about how what he thought was fun led to him being left hogtied and gagged on his bed, Cody stealing from Rachel, Santana, and himself. When it came to what occurred while he was tied up, Kurt found himself struggling to get everything out. Finally, he revealed that he enjoyed being tied up, even after finding out that Cody was robbing him. He also told Dave about Cody coming back and playing with him, bringing him to the edge, but not letting him cum. Kurt didn't even realize he was crying until he was finished and felt the tears running down his eyes. He also hadn't noticed Dave moved to the arm of the chair until he felt Dave's arm around his shoulder.
"You OK?" Dave asked softly.
"Yeah," Kurt replied. "You know, this is the first time I've actually said everything that happened out loud. I don't know why I'm crying. Yeah, you could say that the event was scarring, but I'm just so frustrated."
"Why are you frustrated?"
Kurt sighed, trying to figure out the best way to answer Dave's question. He closed his eyes as he started to respond. "I'm frustrated with my feelings, Dave. I'm mad at myself for getting turned on by some asshole! Let's be honest, who really likes this shit?"
"Is that what this is all about, Kurt?" Dave inquired. "You are pissed at the fact that you got turned on by bondage?"
"It makes me feel like a freak," Kurt said meekly. "Growing up in Lima sucked. Obviously, there were other gay people." He emitted a small grin, side-eying Dave, who looked away bashfully. "But I always felt alone, at least until I met Blaine." It was the first time Blaine's name had been mentioned in the conversation. Dave wanted to ask Kurt what happened, as he only knew the basics from what Kurt told him when they talked online. He knew, though, that wasn't the focus, and if Kurt wanted to share, he would.
"I felt like I had to be that person," Kurt continued.
Dave looked at him confused. "What person?"
Kurt ran his hands through his hair. "I had to be the poster child for gay youth in Ohio. I constantly went through life wondering what would happen if someone didn't like me, and then suddenly decided that they didn't like gay people because of this. And now, I get turned on by something this strange. I can't help but think what other people would say if they knew, like my dad, or Blaine, . . . or even that gutter skank, Sebastian."
"Wow," was all Dave could mutter at first. "OK, you just said a whole lot in very little. Let me start by saying fuck what Sebastian would think. But, let's be honest, he'd start by making some snarky comment. But, I think he might actually be a little turned on."
Kurt's head snapped at that comment, but said nothing.
"Don't look at me like that," Dave stammered. "After everything that happened last year, Sebastian and I talked a little bit. We even hung out when I went home for Thanksgiving. As much as you may not want to hear this, he's not really a bad guy. And, before you ask, no, we didn't hook up. OK, fine, we got a little drunk at Scandals and made out. That's it." Dave was now blushing. "But he's done a helluva lot more than either of us. I would tell you some of the things he told me he's into, but I know you wouldn't want me sharing about you, so I will respect his privacy too."
Kurt wanted to protest, but realized that Dave was right, and he was extremely thankful that Dave was being as respectful as he was.
"And, hey, be thankful I wasn't Sebastian on the other end of that computer," Dave laughed. "As for your dad, I don't know too much about him, other than that he can really fucking scary, but I totally understand why. I'm pretty sure, though, he wouldn't want to know anything about your sex life, even if it's the most bland and vanilla sex out there."
Kurt let some tension out of his shoulders. The feelings weren't changing, but he knew Dave was right.
"As for Blaine, I don't know about your relationship, or whatever is going on with you guys. I'm not going to dive into that if you don't want to."
Kurt shook his head, signaling he didn't, so Dave continued. "But, let's be serious here, Kurt. You are not a freak and there is nothing wrong with you. And, I'll let you in on a little secret. There are a whole lotta straight people into this. Though the site we chatted on is mainly for gay guys, I've been on a few where people of different genders and stuff talk. You have men, women, young guys, old people, etc. And they come from all walks of life."
"What do you mean?"
"It's like what you said back when we chatted online, Kurt. You said that you felt like you've always had to be in control, and wanted to give it up. Saying what you just did about feeling a lot of pressure makes sense now. I understand what it's like to feel like you always have to be on, making sure you're not found out. There are guys I've seen online who are lawyers, business owners, and all that junk. Some of them say the same thing you did; they are in control all the time. In the bedroom, they want someone else to be control. It's so much more . . . I want to use a word other than normal. My therapist and I talked about how normal doesn't really exist. It's a social construct. Everyone has their quirks, interests, or whatever you want to call them. You've never talked with anyone about these?" He added quietly, "even Blaine?"
"No," Kurt sighed, falling back further in the chair. "Until recently, I couldn't even watch porn without blushing. Hell, I would refer to them as 'those movies.' Everything with Blaine was nice, but we never talked about anything like this. I feel kind of bad, because I think I shut off all this talk. I was so insistent that everything be romantic and like a show, but I learned with Cody that it, and maybe should, be fun."
Kurt stood up, looking down at Dave, who was still in the chair. "I want to ask you about something else we chatted about." Dave gave no indication there was a problem, so Kurt kept going, before he lost his nerve. "What do you think of falling in love and still being into this stuff?"
Dave laughed, expecting the line of questioning to me much more severe. "Honestly, Kurt, I don't know if I can answer that. What I said to you is the truth. I've never been in love. I know I said I thought I was in love with you, but I honestly don't think that was the case. The guys I met in Scandals, they weren't relationship material. I could barely even think of kissing a guy. It was just comforting to be around people where I thought I could be myself. But, even there, I felt like a fraud. You were the only person who knew who I was, and you forgave me. And, let me say again, thank you. I don't know if I'd be comfortable with who I am if you didn't forgive me for the awful person I was."
Seeing Kurt glare at him (Kurt already said everything was fine), Dave threw his hands up. "I know, I know," he declared, "no more talk about our past. But, like I was saying, you were OK with who I was and I didn't think I could open up to anyone. In all honesty, and I hope you're not offended, it was simpler to think that I was in love with you. There would be so much less I had to deal with."
Kurt just stared at Dave, in awe of everything Dave revealed. Dave, however, kept speaking. "So, yeah, I've never been in love. Honestly, I believe that you can have both. People are into a ton of different things. Maybe you'll find someone compatible, that likes the same things. Maybe you'll find someone who is different, but you guys are willing to participate in what the other likes. And, there are plenty of people who are in open relationships. They play with other guys together, or seek their interests separately. See, you do learn a lot on the internet."
Kurt let out a heavy sigh, his mind racing a mile a minute. "This just seems like too much to comprehend," he said.
Dave stood up and was face to face with Kurt. "Kurt," Dave said, stretching out his arms and placing his hands on Kurt's shoulders. "I get it. Sex, love, and all that shit can be very complicated. But I also believe that you are overthinking this way too much, man. You don't need to make a decision about the rest of your life right now. So, I'm going to ask you one question. . . .moment?"
Kurt, without taking much time to think, reached out, grabbed the man in front of him, and pulled Dave into a kiss.
Thanks for reading, everyone. Again, I know where I want the story to go, but haven't written it out yet. I always appreciate constructive comments or suggestions. Please feel free to review or PM me. I have an idea for a third part to make this a trilogy. I may work on that once this story is complete.
I wanted to say that I know I made Dave a little out of character, as he's never been portrayed on the show as this wise. I'm so happy that he came back for the last season, but I wish they had explored what happened to Dave between seasons 3 and 6. I've always been a fan of the show, but I feel like this final season has really had a spark to it (maybe they just don't care anymore, and are having fun with it). I love all the new characters (need to think of stories that can involve some of them), but really wish that they were introduced earlier or that we had a regular-length season to really flesh some things out.