Maggie opened the gates for us upon arrival at dusk. Rick and I got out of the car, Maggie immediately asked where Carol was. In that moment, I didn't want to hear, I didn't want to know the reason why, it felt like if I heard the explanation, I would start crying and I couldn't handle that right now. I left the car door open, snagged my pill loaded pack, and headed up to the prison without a word or look back.

Fuck these emotions. God, it was starting to bring up the guilt in me. There was nothing I could have done at the time, okay, conscience? So, fuck off. I couldn't have helped them, I couldn't have saved them. If they died, it wasn't my fault. The anxiety burned slightly in the middle of my back; pulsed upwards towards my neck. I unconsciously jerked my head to the side. Wait, what was I even feeling guilty about? Oh yeah, the past. God, I hated thinking about that shit. I started compulsively picking underneath my fingernails of one hand with my teeth again.

I was almost to my cell block when I saw Carl come running at me. This was so not the time, little kid.

"Hey, Grey did my dad make it back? Did you guys get enough stuff?" Carl asked.

I steadied my emotions before responding. "Yeah, your dad is down by the gate," I said, gesturing noncommittally, "Everything went… fine, I guess."

Carl made visual conformation that he could see his dad before giving me a kind of weird look and headed back into the administration building.

Once in my block, I checked the other cells for patrons, but it looked as though everyone was busy or in quarantine. So, I just stood there, orangey pack still hoisted on my shoulder, deciding what the hell to do with myself. Oh great, and Rick is probably wondering where I took off to with this stupid bag.

In the midst of considering perusing the contents of my many, many pill bottles, I heard someone come into the block. Not the goddamn time, people.

I edged forward to see who it was.

Of course it was Rick. For once I wasn't thrilled to see him; I was dealing with too much crap in my head right now as it was.

"Grey, I owe you an explanation for what happened today. May I?" He wanted to come in my little cell.

Sighing slightly to show my agitation, I moved aside to let him in.

"You gonna put that down?" he asked me, motioning towards the gun in my hand.

Oh jesus. I hadn't even realized I'd been holding it this entire time. Well that explained Carl's expression; I had probably looked like I was on my way to commit murder. I set it on my desk and then clicked on my lamp. I had also been standing in semi-darkness this whole time.

And so, with us standing in my cell together, he explained that he had discovered it had been Carol who killed those people. Why she did it: That she had the purest intentions, but he had decided that for the safety of the group, she was out.

"Now," he said, "It's your turn. You've got to give me something here. I know nothing about who you actually are. Why can't anyone say your first name? What's goin' on with you? How do I even know if you're safe? "

I gave him a preemptive warning look. I had two options here. Use the old standby that had been working every time something uncomfortable came up, or I could be honest with him and get something off my chest, for once.

"Alright," I started. " Alright, I suppose I owe you some explaining too. After all, you did take me in when I was covered in blood."

Rick looked excited, like this was far better than what he'd been expecting, but almost scared to move, like he thought any movement would startle me out of talking.

And so, with a quick glance around and heavy sigh, I began," Before everything, I moved to Georgia with my husband. I'm from California; a really pretty place on the coast. He was in the Army; I followed him out here. They shipped him somewhere when everything fell apart, it wasn't even his job, they just needed people and the made him go. He left in the middle of the night in uniform and kissed me and we said goodbye. We weren't stupid; we knew what would probably happen to him, but it was that doesn't mean it wasn't still the most awful goodbye Ive ever said. After a few weeks, I was told to presume he was dead, so I was made to leave and sent to a military camp. Nice people and all, but it became over-run with walkers quickly. Security wasn't tight enough. The infected always wanted to pretend like they were different, like they weren't a danger. I was in the middle of a state I'd only lived in for three months. I had no idea what I was doing. While traveling alone, I figured I was going to die, but they found me, and then I really wished I was dead. They had a bunch of us in this little town. Horrible things happened there, Rick."

He was looking at me with wide eyes and such touching affection it was the only thing that helped me get through my next words.

"Horrible things for a very long time. And then, I did something much worse. Something I never even knew I was capable of. But what I did broke something inside of me and I snapped, and now I can feel it all the time lingering in me. It's always just under the surface of my consciousness. And yeah, that bothers me a little. I get anxiety thinking about what I did, and what I did scares me. And, I'm scared it's going to happen again. Oh, and the worst part? While it was happening, it felt so good; so goddamn good. I did it so slowly and enjoyed it the entire time. And I feel like I can't tell anyone… I feel like I shouldn't tell anyone because you'll write me off as one of the bad guys and assume I'm a piece of shit." I gave Rick a stern look. I'd stopped meeting his eyes about half way through and had worked myself up enough through my speech to look him in the eyes.

He didn't say anything… And then he kept not saying anything. He looked thoroughly at a loss for words and as though he was trying to swallow what I'd just thrown on him.

"That's why my kill number is so high, but they deserved it, Rick," I said, trying to lure him into saying something.

He sighed in a troubled way, looking a bit freaked out. Yeah, I'd been expecting that. Learning that your new, semi-girlfriend has a major creepy streak has got to be rough.

I gave him another minute to speak. When speech still didn't come, I started to get concerned. Did I just ruin everything? I didn't even go into any detail with him, it could have been so much more gory.

I leaned against my desk, crossed my legs. I didn't know what else to say to him. What could even make what I had said better? Tell him it wont happen again? I don't even know that. Sometimes when that panic rises, it's not only a combination of flashbacks to awful past experiences; it makes me want to lash out. It could probably happen again in an instant.

Then, finally, after a minute or two of searching my face, he said, "Grey, I can't even imagine what happened to you," He ran his hand through his hair and looked around, then focused his eyes back on me. "But Grey, whatever you did, I think we can come back. We… We can all come back from whatever horrible things we've done. And I have to believe that, Grey. Not just for me, but for everyone else out there. Carol, my son, everyone I've met. We are all going to need to come back from this." The speech became vehement towards the end, like he needed to say them out loud to reassure himself too.

He walked towards me, not far, considering the tiny room and cradled my face in his hands. Looking deep into my eyes, he said with genuine sentiment, "I am so sorry for what happened to you. Whatever you did, it's ok. It's gonna be ok."

I felt my throat get tight again; I wanted to cry. Instead, I reached my hand out and touched his arm. He closed his eyes at my touch. As though he was savoring it like dessert. It was very sweet. What sort of sweet guy still survives out here?

I put my other hand against his cheek to watch his reaction. He sucked in his breath quickly and opened his eyes. We looked at each other for a moment, and then he leaned in and kissed me. Gently, like he didn't want to hurt me. I could feel the scratch of his beard. I put my hand in his hair and he put his arms around me, pulling me closer to him. Our kiss got harder and more urgent.

He opened his eyes and pulled back, tucking a loose strand of hair behind my ear.

"You're very beautiful. Did you know that?" Rick whispered to me.

Yes, actually I did know that. More than I'd like to know it, probably. But I wasn't going to let that bother me right now. The way he had said it made me ok. I could do this. And I wanted to do this right: Slowly and with complete care. I swear to all things holy, if I ended up killing Rick when we were about to have sex…

So, instead of actually saying anything in answer, I smiled. Then I pulled his head towards mine again for another kiss. He tugged my jacket off my shoulders and let it fall to the floor. I started unbuttoning my flannel for him, but he moved my hands away; he wanted to do it. He did it slowly, I could feel the roughness of his calloused hands on my skin with every button. He reached up and cupped both breasts before removing my shirt.I reached over to take his shirt off. I bent over to unlace my boots while he kicked his off, we proceeded to work on each others belts. He smiled a genuine, sweet smile and I couldn't help but do it back.

I was then standing in front of him, in just my underwear. He looked at me for a minute, hungrily, then pulled me down with him onto my own cot. He unhooked my bra and helped me out of my underwear. He rolled me onto my back, and got on top of me. He kissed my neck and softly bit me, trailing down to my chest. He kissed my breasts and took a nipple into his mouth, making it hard. I arched up, wanting him to bite me harder.

Even though the weight of him on me had made my anxiety rise; my back start to hurt from panic at first, I was starting to really enjoy myself; I wasn't going to flip out and try to kill him.

I moved against him, rubbing my hips on his, wanting him inside me, badly. I could feel myself getting wet for him.

When, eventually, he pushed and slid into me and I felt that wonderful fullness inside of me, I let out a genuine moan of pleasure. He whispered my name.

Damn, I could really get used to this.

Fyi: moving across the country sucks just as hard as you'd think it would. I finally got internets though! Yay for writing again!

Reviews are appreciated, I still dont have any :(