SO I couldn't leave this thing alone! This is going to turn into several more chapters and contain spoilers for 3x20 (maybe 3x21 but I doubt it) it's basically all speculation and my muse couldn't stop, oh and I'm changing the rating from T to M for future chapters ... SO I am sorry if it causes more pain but I just can't leave this thing alone right now!

Oliver stared at his reflection in the mirror. He was covered in blood, her blood. He closed his eyes briefly.

He could feel her limp body in his arms as he carried her into the ER. He could see the doctors pumping on her chest trying to revive her. He watched them wheel her down a corridor where he gave chase. He could feel the strong arms of Roy and Diggle pulling him back, could hear the sound of the defibrillator charging. See the way her body jerked when it was used on her chest.
Slades words hitting home: how many people can Oliver Queen lose before there is no more Oliver Queen? Then Ra's words followed: Oliver Queen is destined to be alone.

His eyes shot open. He had to stay in control. Had to remain logical, he wouldn't, he couldn't let himself fall apart. Not now. He was their leader even if he didn't feel like it anymore; he had to be strong for her, for everyone. He looked at himself one last time before deciding not to wash and he walked out heading straight to the relative's room. He sat down, trying not to think of what she was about to say before her heart had stopped.

"Are you okay man?" Diggle asked sitting beside him. He gave a swift nod.

"What did the doctors say?"

"She's gone into surgery now; we just have to wait and see." He nodded again. He glanced up to see Roy sitting in the chair, his red hoodie long forgotten, staring at his blood stained hands. Oliver went to move before Diggles hand rested on his shoulder. "Not now." He whispered. "He's in shock, we all are." Olivers jaw clenched.

"How'd Deathbolt slip away from the police?"

"My guess they were too focused on your release." Oliver pinched the bridge of his nose, pushing his anger down, trying to push the pain down too. He'd stay strong for her. "You do know this isn't your fault right?"

"I can't protect her as myself, and I can't protect her as The Arrow... Of course this is my fault Dig." He sighed before he shifted towards him. "I should never have let her and Palmer go to Barry, that guy would have never have followed them back. Ray wouldn't have got hurt, team arrow wouldn't have gotten involved and Felicity wouldn't have..." He couldn't say the words as the silence filled the room.

"It isn't your fault, the police underestimated him."

"No but it's my fault they were distracted. It's my fault that Ra's told Lance about my identity. My fault he went on a rampage after me, my fault Ray lead them straight to the Foundry. My fault Roy ended up dressed up in my gear whilst I was arrested to distract them. My fault Ra's tried and successfully turned everyone against the Arrow, just like he said."

"Oli-"

"No Dig!" He stood up then. "Laurel might have been able to get us free, but there is no way Lance is giving up now, no way Ra's is backing down and as for Ray..." He sighed. "They'll all be after us; Lance won't rest until I'm behind bars... I'm a criminal, I'm a villain..." Oliver said as he walked to the window, taking in the night skyline. Dig span his head around in shock.

"You aren't-" Oliver cut him off.

"We destroyed the Foundry tonight."

"You what?" Roy said.

"Felicity and I, we blew it up. We didn't want anyone getting any information so Felicity did her thing and then we destroyed it."

"So it's gone?" Roy asked softly.

"Yes all of it is gone." The entire room fell silent as Diggle and Roy exchanged glances. They were all grieving the loss of the place they called home. Their hearts heavy in their chests as they all said a silent prayer for Felicity; because each of them knew she was the real heart of the team. And each of them felt completely and utterly lost by their current situation.

Oliver didn't know how long he'd been stood there; all he knew was that the dark night had grown even darker. The city seeming to come alive as party goers, clubbers and workers all seemed to be fluttering around. He heard when Laurel arrived, sitting and joining them, heard when Lyla arrived having left Sara with an A.R.G.U.S nanny. When he heard the door go again he was unsure who it could be his head span around hoping for a doctor. Instead he was met by the saddened eyes of his baby sister. She nodded at him before he returned to his position, he heard her sit beside Roy.

Oliver listened to his heart beat, thud ump, thud ump... Slow and steady. Every part of his being was willing Felicity's to be doing the same, to remain doing the same. When he was in the back of the van he saw the future he so desperately wanted slipping away from him, and this time not by his choice. All the what ifs and maybes, suddenly turned into yes's and right now. He needed Felicity Smoak in his life now, like he needed oxygen to breathe.

He closed his eyes trying to remember her soft smile, her accidental innuendos. Her beautiful laugh, her genius hacker skills, the way she tilted her head sometimes. The way she used to ogle him as he worked out. But all he could see was her blonde haired stained red, her skin pale, and the life slowly drawing out of her as she said her last words.

He took a shaky breath trying to ground himself, a hand landing on the glass window for support. The door opening had his head spinning around.

"Mr... Mr Queen?" The man said glancing around the room. He stormed towards him.

"I'm Mr Queen."

"You're listed as Felicitys next of kin." He nodded automatically, ignoring the slightly shocked faces of Thea and Laurel. "Would you like to talk in private?"

"Anything you have to say you can say in front of these. We're all family." He said glancing around.

"Very well." He stood a little straighter as he pulled the surgical hat from his head. "Miss Smoak is in the ICU, she is currently stable-"

"Yes!" Roy said.

"Thank god." Laurel muttered. Oliver let out a breath as his heart felt less tight.

"But..." Diggle was the only one to question. The surgeons head dropped then.

"She's in a critical condition."

"What happened?" Lyla asked.

"Whatever she was stabbed with, it... I've never seen damage like that before. It caught her lung, pierced her liver, and even somehow burnt her intestines. We removed as much of the dead tissue as possible, but she has such severe burns and necrosis it's a miracle she's still alive. She lost a lot of blood and we've given her several blood transfusions." Oliver felt like he'd been stabbed in the chest all over again.

"Will she make it?" He said is so softly, everyone glanced at him but his gaze was solely on the doctor.

"In all honest Mr Queen if she makes it to the end of today it will be some sort of phenomenon..."

"But if she does?" Thea asked.

"There is too much damage I'm afraid."

"So what are you saying?" Roy asked as he held onto Theas hand.

"That you should prepare yourselves for the worst."

"Can we see her?" Oliver asked automatically.

"Only-" the doctor stopped himself as he stared into the tear ridden faces of the people before him. "Yes, of course."

He took them to another floor in the hospital, down a corridor through some brown double doors and stopped at a door, the ICU written on a sign beside it. Oliver stepped in first.

That was it; Oliver could feel himself falling all over again. The pain in his chest unbearable. She looked only like a shell of the woman he loved. She was in a white gown. Her skin was as white as the sheets she was wrapped in. Her hair was still tainted red, her glasses long gone, her lips pale too so unlike the bright colours he was used to. The monitors she was hooked up to surrounded her. Drips, blood, pain relief, the heart monitor beeping away relaxed him as he could tell her heart was beating but it was all too much. Even the oxygen pipes attached to her nose brought back unbelievable emotions.

"She might wake up, but only time will tell. She's breathing on her own but with the damage to her lung the oxygen will help. She's comfortable." The surgeon said softly. Oliver walked forward taking her hand in his. He didn't realise how small and fragile it was against his own calloused rough one. He couldn't take his eyes from her as the rest of the room seemed to disappear. He watched her chest rise and fall, as his mind was a whirlwind of emotions. He was going to lose her; he was going to watch her slowly die. His heart felt like it stopped as those thoughts settled over him. He felt himself drop to his knees beside her. His head resting on her hand in his.

"No... I can't lose you Felicity... I need you in my life. Fight, please fight for me." He could hear sobs coming from the others in the room but he paid them no attention as he felt for her pulse, it was weak but steady. The door slamming open caused Oliver to look up. There stood Quentin with Ray beside him.

"I'm here on business; someone blew up Verdant and your lair..." Quentin snapped.

"Get the hell out." Dig said standing tall unable to control his own emotions.

"I... What the hell happened?" Quentin asked staring at the broken figure of Oliver Queen slumped next to an unconscious Felicity.

"Felicity?" Ray managed to get out with a frown.

"Because you were so focused on catching Oliver, they let that stupid Deathbolt get away and he wanted revenge."

"The guy from central city?" Ray asked the guilt very apparent in his eyes.

"Yeh." Diggle replied.

"I... I never meant any of this to happen..." He said softly. Oliver stood up then.

"Well I told you, you were a criminal Mr Queen and look where it's gotten you." Quentin snapped bitterly.

"Dad!" Laurel said with a frown.

"No, you know this stupid vigilante thing is going to end this way for all of you... You're all going to die..." Something in Oliver snapped as he found himself marching towards them.

"She's here because your police force isn't effective! You let a dangerous man get away and look at her!" He snapped and Quentin's gaze fell on to her. "I might have brought her into this, but I never asked her to stay. She made her own choices, but this, her on that bed. That is thanks to your police force. So you know what lock me up, throw away the key. I don't care anymore if she isn't here." Rays mouth fell open, as Thea gasped beside him.

"Your choices have got her injured, just like they got my Sara killed." Oliver closed his eyes briefly.

"Dad enough!" Laurel stood forward.

"No Laurel! If you stopped trying to be your sister for one second maybe then you'd realise what kind of a monster he was!" Laurel gasped.

"You know what; Sara would be disgusted in you. That's her friend there, lay on that bed and you're here arguing over Oliver's activities, when we should all be saying goodbye."

"Goodbye?" Ray asked a little startled.

"She's... They tried... They really tried..." Laurel said a tear falling down her cheek.

"She's..." Quentin glanced at her tiny frame.

"Yes dad." She said as a whisper. Oliver watched as the two men's expressions dropped.

"She's not going to make it?" Quentin asked. Laurel shook her head as Quentin's own tears began to fall.

"Too much damage." Laurel said softly. Quentin looked at Oliver then, he truly did look broken. He was covered in blood; he looked tired, pale and worse than he had ever seen him. He was still bitterly angry, still devastated about the loss of his daughter, but now he could see that the young man stood in front of him was just as broken as he was.

"She loved you." Ray said ending the silence. Olivers eyes shot to his. "Felicity, she loved you. It's why we ended things... When it came down to it, she chose you she would always choose you." Oliver could feel his bottom lip trembling as the emotions overtook him. "I am so so sorry, I do love her but it's clear how much you two mean to each other. I am sorry I thought you were bad for this city, I'm sorry I told them where your lair was..." He let the tears run down his own cheeks. "I was stupid. I know the pain you're going through and I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. I am truly sorry Oliver." Oliver merely nodded he couldn't do anything else.

"I can't stop them hunting you." Quentin said. "You hurt people..."

"That wasn't him." Roy said abruptly.

"It doesn't matter; the city saw the Arrow commit those crimes. It makes him a wanted man."

"I know..." Oliver said softly. "I know..." He repeated. He took in the faces of the people who meant something in his life, he glanced at them all, the broken smiles, and the tear streaked faces, the looks of guilt, of heart break. His own heart hammered in his chest, the pain making it agonizing to breathe.
Then he turned to look at Felicity. The room started spinning.

"I need some air." He said pushing passed them all and through the door into the corridor.

He was completely disorientated. He couldn't let her die. He couldn't live in a world that Felicity Smoak wasn't a part of. He saw the lights fading, as the hallway now continued to spin. He couldn't do this, he couldn't stay in there and say goodbye. He needed her to live. He leant his back against the wall allowing himself to sink to the floor. His knees pulled up to his chest as his head dropped between them and his fingers laced together at the back of his head as he let himself sob. Let the pain take over.

He didn't know how long he had been there when he felt a small hand wrap around his wrist.

"Ollie." Thea said softly. He slowly pulled his hands apart and lifted his head. His eyes were red, the tears still falling. "Oh Ollie." She wrapped her arms around him pulling him close as he sobbed a little harder. He loved his sister but all he wanted then was Felicity, to have Felicity wrapped in his arms, smell Felicitys shampoo, and her perfume, feel her heart beating.

"I love you Thea." He whispered. She pulled back slightly looking him directly in the eyes.

"I love you too. You don't have to be the strong one for everyone else's sake you know?" He didn't say anything. "I always thought you and Felicity had this spark, this connection but I never realised you were in love with her."

"Yeh, took me a long time to realise too."

"It's never too late."

"She knows how I feel Thea, she has known for a while now. But all the choices I made working with Malcolm, choosing the Arrow over her I pushed her away."

"Then stop pushing and go be with her, she needs you right now." She said softly.

"No, what she needs right now is a miracle. You heard them she's not going to make it out of this." He dropped his head again.

"I'm so sorry Ollie, I'm sorry that I caused you all this trouble, if I had never gone with Malcol-"

"No! This isn't your fault Thea, none of it is."

"None of it is yours either." He shook his head. He had so much guilt weighing him down these days that Felicity's death felt like it would be the final straw. "Come on, come back in."

"Give me a minute." He said softly, she nodded heading back into the room.

Oliver thought of the what ifs: what if he hadn't pushed her away after their disastrous first date, what if he grieved with her over Saras death, what if he hadn't pushed her into Rays arms, what if he had taken Ra's offer. His mind froze for a second as he thought back to Ra's, thought back to that meeting in Nanda Parbat. He blinked rapidly as he rose to his feet. He knew what he had to do now, knew deep in his bones, in his soul what he would do for the woman he loved. He marched out of the hospital with a purpose and a new incentive, to save Felicity.