His head was pounding, his eyes burning, and his heart hurting.

There was no relief. He stared at the glass in his hand, filled to the rim yet again with firewhiskey. He'd lost count of how many times he had downed it, had stopped caring as soon as he walked through the doors of Spinner's End. It was enough just to feel the flames race down his throat, enough to hope that he would go numb sooner or later.

And it was too much to know that he hadn't been able to save her.

Closing his eyes, he lifted the tumbler to his lips and swallowed until there were no more embers.

He threw it down when it was empty, listened to the crash that came when glass met tile. The crunch of it after it shattered was satisfying beneath his boot, as though it were possible for that to drive away the pain. For a moment he let himself pretend that it were true, and then it was over. Nothing so simple as stepping on glass, shod or not, could do that.

Outside, an owl hooted. It was soft and quiet, and on any other night he might not have noticed it. But tonight was not just any night, and the bird made him think of Malfoy Manor. He'd had an invitation to dinner with Lucius just the other night and had been told, as always, to drop by whenever he wanted. It was an open invitation that had been that way since they'd met; the Malfoy family had appreciated his knowledge and thoughts and never thought him a burden to have around.

Until just now, he'd never been so grateful.

Slipping his wand into his favorite pocket with his right hand, he used his left to grab a handful of floo powder from it's small bowl on top of the mantle. The silvery particles felt cool in his hand until he tossed them into fireplace. The flames seemed to burn hotter for a moment just before they turned green, and then he stopped thinking of anything besides his destination. Stepping among the fire quickly, he tucked his arms in and said, as boldly as he could manage, "Malfoy Manor."

He kept his eyes closed while moving, thinking that if he'd wanted to get sick he would have just apparated. The fireplaces and hearths could keep flying by in however many colors and fashions as they pleased without him having to look at them.

The combination of his feet touching something solid and the sound of a turning page told him he'd arrived. He dusted himself off slightly before stepping out of the fireplace, and only then did he look up. It had been Lucius that he was expecting; to say otherwise would be to lie. But it was not Lucius that he found.

Narcissa sat in one of the large armchairs in the library, a book in her hands. She glanced up as he stepped out of the fireplace, surprise barely showing on that elegant face. If there was anything this witch was used to, the wizard knew, it was seeing visitors at all times of the day. - even if they did usually go to her husband's study. "Evening, Severus."

"Cissa." He gave her a slight bow, more unsteady than usual. "Is Lucius home?"

Her lack of response gave him his answer, and in the seconds of her stare, he felt his cheeks burn slightly. He could only imagine how he must look, how he must sound, even if he was hardly slurring his words (which was quite the feat considering how much firewhiskey he'd had). It was hardly how he wanted to be seen before her, but he could hardly change that now.

Neither spoke, just continued to look at each other, and as the witch seemed to be considering him, he found himself noticing just how beautiful she was. It wasn't the first time; he'd thought it often over the many years he had known her. Her eyes were a brilliant blue, sometimes kind and soft and other times as hard and cold as a glacier. Her hair, such a light shade, was long and often worn down. Tonight, she'd pulled it back into a loose bun and he'd decided that he most definitely liked it like that better. And her lips…

But she was Lucius', she was off limits. Or was she…?

He couldn't say whether it was the alcohol or if it were true, but he thought that he could see a hint of sadness on her face - and beyond it, longing. The thought of it was enough to prompt him to move, to cross the distance between the fireplace and her chair, his cloak rippling slightly behind him. It was enough to prompt him to hesitate for just a moment as he bent to kiss her, waiting to see if she would do anything to get away. And when she didn't, his mouth took hers captive.

The book fell between them, unnoticed, as the kiss deepened. She tasted like spearmint and he couldn't get enough; until she pushed his chest gently, he forgot that they needed to breathe.

"Narcissa." He ran his fingers down her jaw as he straightened. "I'm-"

"No," she cut him off and glanced around the room quickly. "You're not sorry, Severus. And you're not in the habit of saying things that you don't mean - I don't intend for you to begin doing so."

He nodded in response, wanting to say something - anything - but his brain had nothing at the ready. And in the space of those few seconds, he decided he needed to kiss her again. And again. And again.

They were laying on the floor between the armchair and one of the large shelves before either of them spoke again.

"We should move to another room…"

His mouth froze on her collarbone. "There's nothing wrong with this one."

"We really should stop, actually." She eased her hand down to his hip and her lips curved into a smile at his sharp breath.

"You're a cruel witch...but surely not so cruel as that."

She laughed. "I'm much too selfish to be that cruel."

Minutes later he slid over her, and when her nails found his back and her voice caught as she said his name, he'd never felt more at home.

His head was pounding when he woke in a bed much more comfortable than his own, soft skin flush against him. For a moment he was confused. And then he groaned. Good as dead. Lucius will be furious.

Narcissa rolled over and it was clear that she'd been awake for a while. She smiled, let a finger dance down his side. "I was wondering how long you'd sleep. I've been checking on Draco; he's down for a nap now."

"Already?"

She laughed. "It's nearly afternoon."

He put a hand over his face, moved it when he felt the bed shift. It was the witch's turn to lead their dance, he gathered, as she was easing herself over him, and it was all he could do to stay still.

Afterwards, they stayed on the bed. Snape stared at the ceiling, his headache still bothering him. Narcissa was silent for a few minutes, enjoying the silence. It was a pleasant change to be quiet without being angry.

"I do so hope you weren't planning to do this with Lucius, when you found me," Narcissa said pleasantly.

He snorted. "Hardly." I leave that up to Barty.

"Ah - what was it you wished to speak with him about, then, if I may ask? You were rather - unlike yourself."

"I... " His jawline tightened. "Do you remember Marlene McKinnon?"

She nodded and then remembered he couldn't see that. "Friend of Potter's and Evan's both."

"She was murdered last night." Just a week after I told her I was working for the Order.

Silence. And then: "Ah…"

The change in her tone didn't go unnoticed, but he pretended to ignore it. "I take it things are...rocky between you two."

"At best."

The letter from her was warm in his hands, as though she'd been standing out in the sunlight when she wrote it and he received it right away. If only that were the case.

He set the parchment on his desk and ran a tired hand over a tired face. This war was going to be the end of him, between balancing the Dark Lord, protecting students to the best of his abilities, trying to see Narcissa, listening to Albus, and trying to help Potter. If he knew it was going to be this difficult, he never would have agreed to this.

Sometimes he wished he never had to deal with all of this, and then other times the witch made everything better.

"I hope to be able to leave tomorrow, and if not then, then perhaps the night after that. Lucius pays me no mind anymore and I doubt would even care if I never came back again. I wish I could stay in the castle with you, and I know that you wish I could too. You'd never get any work done, though, and while I wouldn't mind, I know you would. Keep an eye out for me. Love you as much as ever. - N."

The corner of his mouth twitched. He loved Lily. He loved Marlene. But he'd never loved either of them in the same way that he loved this witch.