Chapter 4: Bodyguards

Penelope had the most livid expression on her features. This was pure, unbridled incompetence. She had hired Captain Enigma to train musketeers for her protection and today, her life had been threatened... and almost taken. She had more than one word for the overconfident platypus.

Musketeers went by her singing, "All for one all men of honor hear the call. Musketeers sing all for one and one for all." Penelope exhaled an angry breath. Well, if nothing else, he's taught them how to sing, she thought. Isabella was with her and she too was unhappy at the incident. The princess was more than a royal, she was a friend. This was personal.

"Your highness! So glad you could grace us with your royal omnipresence!" said the Enigma, sounding completely like the kiss-up that he was. Penelope and Isabella just glared at him angrily.

"I want bodyguards!" said Penelope, standing and stomping her foot insistently. Perhaps it was a childish display, but she hadn't the temperament to act civil right now.

"Huh?" asked the Enigma. His face went from feigned respect to one of confusion. Why does she need bodyguards? he thought.

"Musketeer bodyguards!" Penelope specified, pointing to the men in uniform. Isabella didn't back her up in words, but in looks, oh, most verily.

"Villains, bad guys run in fear when they see the musketeers. Saving Penelope is our duty. Mess with her we'll kick your-" The song was interrupted by one musketeer who made a lethal stab at a dummy with his sword. Irving was usually the one who went to overkill on things (a fact not proven wrong by this act). It was nonetheless true and the Enigma got the message loud and clear.

"Ouch," the Enigma winced. Penelope awaited his response, her expression still angry and determined. "Uh, bodyguards, uh, absolutely! Uh, let me check my schedule here, uh..." He looked at his calendar where he had his plan laid out in red ink. "Kidnap Penelope" was on Tuesday and "Become King" was on Wednesday. Thursday was wide open though. "Oh! How about next Thursday?"

Penelope was not good with this. "How about 10 minutes?! At the palace! Get me bodyguards, Captain Enigma!" He was shocked at her demanding voice. He nearly dropped his calendar into the wind. He recovered quickly though. He shoved it back into his coat and groaned. What a fix he was in.

Of course, opportunity finds those in the most opportune times. Perry, Pinky, Doofy, and Steve were on a platform for cleaning windows. Doofy was on one end and Perry and Pinky were on the other. They were raising it up together, but Doofy was distracted.

"Pancakes, Cornflakes, Scrambled Eggs, Buttered Toast and Apple Jam. Tonight it's meat, I hope it's Spam," sang Doofy. He was terribly hungry and depressed from earlier. Prospects for dinner were rarely good for janitors. Doofy was merely dreaming of the food he could have. However, he didn't notice that he was going much faster than Perry and Pinky in raising the platform. It gradually began tipping in the other direction and Perry and Pinky scrambled to keep up.

"Doofy! Slow down!" called Perry. Pinky was yipping in fear. Up and up they went until the platform became vertical and they all fell off. All the while, the Enigma had been watching in interest. At first, he was amazed at their predicament. There was no one else who got in as much trouble as they did. Yet... seeing them and knowing what they wanted... well, it gave him a plan. Serendipity came to the Enigma and he was going to take advantage of it.

Penelope and Isabella still looked angrily at the Enigma, awaiting a good answer. "Oh, Princess, you're in luck!" he said, putting an arm around Penelope. "Have I got the men for you!" She shrunk away from him, disgusted.

"Well, I hope so! Thanks to your incompetence, this whole thing has been a pain in the neck!" She turned away angrily.

"I'll show you a pain in the neck..." the Enigma said quietly, making to squeeze her neck with his fingers using forced perspective. Penelope turned around harshly, sensing something. The Enigma stopped just in time and recovered by giving her the "OK" signal with those same fingers.

Meanwhile, Perry, Pinky, Doofy, and Steve had retreated back to the laundry room. The three had on the glummest expressions possible for their respective creatures. Perry was scrubbing the musketeer uniforms, Pinky was rolling them through a press to flatten them, and Doofy was ironing them. Steve was on Perry's shoulder, looking as glum as his larger companion.

Perry couldn't stand the sad air in the room. He sighed and went over to Pinky, a smile on his face. "Hey, Pinky, don't worry about what Captain Enigma said. Cheer up. I'm sure there's some way we can become musketeers," he told Pinky softly.

"We can?" asked Pinky, hope returning to his features. The two ran over to Doofy, new hope and excitement on their faces. Perry jumped onto the ironing block, interrupting Doofy in his work.

"Hey, Doof, you know we can prove the Enigma's wrong about us if we just work hard and stick together," said Perry. Doofy looked at Pinky to see if he felt the same way and, seeing the hope in both of their eyes, a bit of hope returned to him as well.

"You really think so?" asked Doofy to Perry.

"Hey, have I ever let you down?" Perry began giving the taller man a brotherly noogie as he continued. "Huh? Have I? Have I? Huh? Have I? Have I?"

Doofy laughed at the thought. "No," he said, still laughing a little as Perry let up on the noogie.

"Just imagine, guys. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday, Captain Enigma's going to march in here and say-" said Perry. His speech was interrupted by a new voice.

"Congratulations, boys!" said the voice.

Perry turned around, looking toward the source. The source happened to be Captain Enigma. "Huh?" asked Perry.

"You passed the test!" the captain started hobbling into the room as he continued. "I've been watching you three and I'll tell you what: you blokes have got what it takes to be musketeers!" He skittered over to them and shook Perry's hand with both hands in congratulations. It looked like it was taking a lot just for him to stay up, but he appeared to be genuinely excited about this.

"Really? You mean it?" Perry asked in disbelief.

"Cross my heart," said Captain Enigma, making the motion with the hand that wasn't holding his crutch up.

"Oh, boy! Hey, guys, we're going to be musketeers!" Perry excitedly told his friends.

Perhaps it was Perry saying it as well that sealed the deal for them, because up until then, they had been staring wide-mouthed in disbelief. Pinky was the first to roll with it. "Musketeers!" he said excitedly.

"Musketeers!" Doofy said. The excitement was infectious. In a matter of a few minutes, the three were dressed up in musketeer garb. This included: a long-sleeved red shirt with a white collar, a blue tunic with the kingdom's yellow symbol on it, white gloves, tan pants, brown boots with gold buckles, and finally, the musketeer hat, which looked remarkably like an out-of-that-time-period brown fedora. While Perry's fedora was brown and had a red feather, Pinky and Doofy were given brown fedoras with white feathers. This was because the design had changed. Captain Enigma let Perry keep his fedora and feather (since Perry seemed too attached to it to part with it) and in the golden glow in the center of the musketeer training facility, the three really looked the part of genuine musketeers.

"I knew we had what it takes!" said Perry.

"Yeah, because we're clever," said Doofy.

"And brave!" Pinky added in.

"And together, we are gonna be great, big heroes! What do you say, men? All for one!" said Perry, drawing his sword. Pinky drew his sword as well.

"And two for tea!" said Doofy as he drew his sword (which came a little too close for comfort to Pinky). Doofy had Pinky's hat on the end of his sword and Pinky had since retreated behind Perry for protection. Perry jumped; then, when he looked at the Enigma, the platypus was giving a less than impressed look.

"Yeesh," said the Enigma. The three were almost too dunderheaded. He rolled his eyes, wondering just what he had gotten himself into.

"Well, we'll work on it," said Perry, bringing Doofy and Pinky close to him with his arms. The three were huddled together like good friends or even brothers.

Then, after the presentation at the musketeer training hall, it was off to the palace to present them to the princess. Captain Enigma led them through the halls on the way to the throne room. "Hup, deux, trois, quatre. Hup, deux, trois, quatre. Hup, deux, trois, quatre," the Enigma called out as they marched. The procession went in this order: Captain Enigma in the lead, Perry behind him, Pinky behind him, Doofy behind him, and Steve taking up the rear with a small flag tied to his reptilian tail. The three musketeers and the little chameleon marched proudly. This was a day of triumph. The Enigma went on: "Hup, deux, trois, quatre. Company, halt!" He stopped in front of a set of golden doors: the doors leading to the throne room. The procession was slow to obey the command since a few of them ran into each other. Once the Enigma was sure they had stopped, he said, "Stay here whilst I go schmooze Princess What's-Her-Name." He had a look of self-importance as he said this. Then, without saying more, he opened the door, hopped in, and closed it quickly and loudly behind him.

They all recoiled at the slam. Perry was the first to recover. He looked up at the great doors in wonder. "Wow. This is it, guys. This is what we've been waiting for all our lives. Now, when these doors open, we've gotta make a great first impression," he said. Pinky smiled and stood up tall and proud. Doofy smoothed back his unruly hair and put it under his hat to keep it in order. Satisfied that his friends got the idea, Perry continued, "Okay, remember, guys, we're on duty and this place could be crawling with bad guys!" He emphasized his point by wiggling his fingers in spider-like motions.

"Bad guys?!" Pinky exclaimed, terror in him.

"So, stay alert!" said Perry authoritatively.

"You heard him, stay alert!" Pinky said to Doofy.

"Yes, sir!" said Doofy, saluting. He then immediately went into search mode. He narrowed his eyes and put a hand over his eyes, scanning the surroundings with wary eyes. Then, not a minute after his search began, he came face-to-face with an armored soldier! "Bad guy! No! Whoa!" The soldier was huge and wielded an axe!

"Doofy!" Perry and Pinky scrambled to help their friend. Doofy was already in a tussle with the "bad guy." When the smoke cleared, the armor was in pieces and there was no bad guy in sight. No one could tell Doofy that though.

"He pulled an axe on me!" said Doofy worriedly as he drew the axe from the pile. Perry and Pinky both reared back, startled. Something had to be done about this.

Meanwhile, Captain Enigma was in the throne room, beginning his schmoozing. "Your royal highness, I have never, ever had a more highly skilled group of gentlemen than the individuals which I present to you today," the Enigma began. Princess Penelope sat on her throne, looking bored out of her mind. Isabella had since walked up to her and the two exchanged looks between each other.

Isabella knew just what to do in this situation: "Seems like this is gonna take a while. I'll go get you a little snack," she said. Penelope almost envied Isabella. She got to leave while she had to stay there and listen to the droning of the captain. The only thing separating the two was that Penelope's throne was high up from the ground. (Due to her small stature, she had to sit higher to see her subjects easier.) Penelope's royal robe extended to the ground like a train.

The Enigma went on: "It took my highly trained eye to see their full potential." Indeed, he had right to say that with only one eye to speak of.

"Yes, well, France thanks you and your eye very much," Princess Penelope said. It was normal procedure to say this. Everything done on behalf of the princess was done on behalf of the people.

"Well, then, it is without further ado that I present for your complete safety and protection, your musketeers!" the Enigma said, waving a hand toward the door. The doors were opened by the attendants. Behind the doors, Doofy and Pinky were still struggling with the armor. When they noticed the doors had opened, they froze, not knowing what to do. They might as well have been caught raiding the cookie jar with the expressions they were giving. The Enigma was quick to indicate to them what to do since the Princess appeared more confused than impressed. The Enigma made a salute and Doofy and Pinky were quick to react by standing up straight and saluting. Perry had, in the meanwhile, been behind the pile of armor and had been unseen until Doofy and Pinky stopped struggling with the armor and it collapsed at their feet. He had noticed his friends saluting, so by the time the armor fell, he too was saluting.

When the armor fell and Princess Penelope saw Perry... she felt a stirring in her heart and her mind started to go elsewhere. In her mind, he noticed her too (and perhaps he actually had, but she was already too into her fantasy to notice if that was the case). In her fantasy, it was just them in a clearing in the clouds. They became weightless and Penelope heard her voice repeating what she had said she was looking for in a guy. "Just imagine: He'll stride into the room." Perry made a bouncing stride or two forward (the bouncing was due to the weightlessness). He took off his hat in respect. "Light will glow from him." Light glowed around Perry and he marveled at it. "I'll hear music." A musical scale surrounded Perry playfully before going off as soon as it had come. "He'll bring me flowers." Flowers appeared magically in Perry's hand. The two were floating level to each other. They came toward each other. Just as they came close, the pink roses turned into pink butterflies and flew away. They both marveled at that. He took her hands and spun her around as Penelope heard her words: "And he'll sweep me off my feet... and I'll know he's the one when he makes me laugh." As they spun around, Perry spoke, but it wasn't his voice coming out of his mouth.

"Your majesty," Perry said in a different voice. His head turned into Isabella's head. "It's time to cut the cheese." The fantasy was effectively over and ruined.

"Huh? What?" Penelope had the most distraught look on her face. It was such a good fantasy... and now it was gone! Gone!

Isabella continued, "Here we are!" She pulled the lid off of a serving dish. On the tray was grapes and cheese. "Roquefort, anyone?" she asked, referring to the cheese. Of course... along with the cheese and the grapes was a cutting knife. It was meant for the cheese, but the three musketeers took this differently.

"Knife!" exclaimed Doofy.

"Bad guy!" shouted Pinky.

"Grab her!" Perry called.

Isabella looked at them, knowing she was in trouble. "Oh, no," she said meekly. That was all she got to say before the three tackled her and a cloud of dust formed around the tussle. It was chaos! Isabella screamed in terror.

"Oh! Unhand her! Release her! Stop it!" Princess Penelope rose to the step of her throne. She was horrified at the display. Thankfully, the three understood "stop" better than "halt." Isabella was held in the air, the knife in one hand and upside down. The knife hand was restrained by Perry, the other hand by Pinky, and one of her feet was being held by Doofy. Isabella's dress drooped, revealing her undergarments. "Drop her!" ordered Penelope. The three quickly dropped her and turned their backs on her, trying to pretend like nothing had happened. Isabella fell to a heap on the floor. "She is my lady in waiting!" Penelope said, outraged.

Steve, who had taken refuge behind a pillar during the tussle, face-palmed. It was all the Enigma could do to keep in his laughter. He had a hand covering his bill, trying to keep it closed as small sounds leaked out. It was obvious he was stifling a laugh... and Penelope was not amused. She turned harshly on him, making him stop quickly. He cleared his throat and began explaining, "You'll have to forgive them, your highness. They're like a well-oiled machine that's wound just a little too tight." Penelope was calmed a little, and even considering the explanation.

Perry took off his hat respectfully and said, "We're sorry, your grace, we thought she was a villain." Isabella had since gotten up and looked a little ruffled, but overall fine. Pinky wiggled his eyebrows and tipped his hat at her, trying to use his charms to help ease the tension. He smiled.

Isabella scoffed. "I don't think so," she said, crossing her arms and turning her back on the small chihuahua. Pinky looked a little offended his trick hadn't worked. It usually always worked!

"Oh! I see. Well, then... I feel safer already," said Penelope as she got off her throne and came closer to the three. It was clear they had met her approval. The Enigma smiled. The plan had worked. It would be much easier for him to become king now. Those three were an accident waiting to happen. How could they possibly protect the princess well enough to stop him?

Hmph, typical. Bad guys always get over-confidant about themselves and their harebrained plan. There's a bad guy song coming in the next chapter, so stay tuned for then ;) Please keep reading and reviewing, thanks :D