First of all, I would just like to IMMENSELY apologize for not updating within a week. I have a busy weekend and studying for honors finals is taking up my entire life. I hope you guys can forgive me ;). I made this chapter a little longer to hopefully make up for being late. Alright, Chapter 20! Thanks to everyone that has stuck with the story so far! As always, I hope you like this late update.
I don't own Cap.
Natasha sat on her bed for a while after getting out of the shower. Her hair was completely dry by the time she decided to leave the room. It had felt good to watch the dirty water spiral down the drain, feel the water clean the blood off her hands. The blood that she could see, anyways.
There was blood all over her, the kind that she would never be able to wash out. The kind that burrowed its way into her mind.
She was simply contemplating, letting her mind play with itself.
She and Steve were complete opposites. He was pure and honest. She had killed hundreds and lied her way through the bigger twisted reality she continued to call life. If she did like him and he reciprocated her feelings, the ghosts of her past would come for him. She couldn't drag him into the mess she had created.
If he survived. She put her head in her hands and took a deep breath before opening the door and leaving her room, bound for the communal floor.
The surgery took four hours. Four terrible, grueling hours that Bucky sat in a chair outside the operating room, wondering what to do next.
Bruce spent those four hours removing the bullets and stitching Steve up.
Steve spent those hours unconscious, an IV dripping into his arm and an oxygen mask affixed to his face. It was not a restful sleep. He was visited by all kinds of ghosts, the ones he would rather keep hidden, the ones he had chosen to forget.
Tony was watching TV, not letting the stressful situation get to him on the outside. On the inside, he was intensely worried for Steve.
Thor and Clint had gone back to their game of chess, trying to relax themselves.
Natasha spent the hours worrying before finally joining everyone else.
Every person spent their hours differently, no matter how they showed it, they were all worried about the super-soldier. The man they knew both so much and so little about.
Bruce finally emerged from the medical floor, Bucky at his heels. Everyone stopped what they were doing and stood up, waiting for the news.
"What is it? Is Steve alright?" Natasha asked anxiously.
"Yes and no," Bruce replied. "I stitched his wounds and he is accepting fluids. The problem is that he lost the majority of his blood."
Natasha looked to Bucky, who looked to the floor. The guilt was crushing him. All of Steve's pain, because of what he did.
"I can't use transplant blood because that would dilute the serum in his body more than it already is. The only option is to watch over him and hope that his body recovers," Bruce finished.
"Can I see him?" Natasha asked impatiently.
"Well, I-"
"I wasn't asking," Natasha stated as she entered the elevator. Bruce followed and they went down to the medical floor.
Bucky stood by the doors, and when his eyes finally did lift, they were glassy with tears.
Thor came over and clapped a strong hand on Bucky's shoulder. "Do not worry. Lord Steven will be alright. He is a strong warrior," he said with a smile.
"Yeah, Capsicle hasn't survived all these years by being weak," Tony pointed out.
Bucky smirked. "Something is funny?" Thor questioned.
"I helped him survive when he was still skinny Steve. Now I'm just hurting him, even when he's strong," Bucky said solemnly.
"It's not your fault. HYDRA brainwashed you. You know that," Clint replied.
"I got captured. That's my fault. I let them burrow in, my fault. I have murdered children without remorse. All my fault," Bucky snarled. "You don't understand." He stomped off and got into the elevator, headed for the roof to clear his head.
"Guy's got some problems," Tony said sarcastically when Bucky had gone, turning back to his TV show.
"You don't get it do you?" Clint asked Stark.
"What?" Tony asked, oblivious.
"He blames himself for doing all those things. He is the only one Steve has left. But you don't understand that," Clint snapped back.
"Hey, I've known Steve longer than any of you," he said, amused by their looks of confusion. "My dad fished him out of the ice. As a kid, Steve would visit a lot to catch up with my old man. When he died, Steve simply stopped coming. Simple as that."
"Maybe you don't have the whole story," Clint rebuffed.
"I think I've got it down alright, Legolas," Tony replied and turned the TV louder.
"Can we not focus on the past and instead on the present? Lord Steven will need our help," Thor said, trying to stop Clint and Tony from doing anything else.
Tony ignored him. "Your move," Clint said quietly. Thor moved and their game continued, the issues of the past buried for a little longer.
Bruce led Natasha into the room where Steve was being held. She was not prepared for what she saw.
The strong man's complexion was the same as the white sheets he was wrapped up in. He was shirtless, nicer bandages covering his midsection and shoulder. His breathing was uneven, sweat sheening his brow.
That thing that really struck Natasha was simply how pale he was.
"Can I?" she asked tentatively.
"I'll leave you two alone," Bruce said and walked out the door.
Natasha walked over to his bed with quiet feet and sat down in the chair next to him. She took his big hand in hers, jumping at how cold it was. A heart monitor was stuck to his index finger, the readings displayed on a monitor next to the bed.
"Hey, soldier," she whispered and gave a sad smile. Damn these tears, she thought as she blinked the mist from her eyes.
"Look, I know you and I don't know each other very well, but that doesn't mean that I don't care. I need you to hold on. We need you to be here. We need a leader, a captain," she smirked. "I know it must be hard for you, but I can't lose anyone else. Bucky wouldn't be able to live knowing he killed his only friend."
She squeezed his hand once and left, closing the door softly behind her. Natasha never was one to be giving comfort in hard times. She was usually the one receiving the comfort or the one causing the hard times. Without stopping back at the communal floor, she went straight up to her room to do more thinking.
Hours later, when everyone else had gone to bed, Bucky snuck down to see Steve. A sweatshirt and loose pants covered his assassin's attire, as well as his metal arm.
He sucked in a breath as he reached Steve's room. It hurt him to see his friend like this, but it hurt more knowing he did his.
"Hey, Steve," he murmured as he stood at Steve's bedside. "I hope you're doing alright. I know you're going to make it through this. You survived childhood, so you can survive anything," he said and gave a small smile. "But every time I look at you, the only thing I will see is that scars I caused. That is not how I want to remember my brother. I must go. You'll see me again, I promise. Be strong, you punk."
Bucky made his way up to Steve and took his cold hand in his real one, the metal arm dangling uselessly at his side. "And that Natasha dame, she's into you. Don't do anything stupid to mess it up. So don't be the way you usually were in relationships before Peggy came along," he said and gave a chuckle, letting Steve's hand down gently.
He walked towards the door and took another glance at Steve, pale against the sheets. He was doing the right thing. Preventing the monster from ever hurting Steve again was all he could do.
He may be fine now, but inside, he could feel the darkness surging, fighting back. And he didn't know how long he could keep it hidden.
He was a ticking clock, with darkness ready to explode at any moment.
Bucky got into the elevator and pressed the button for the ground level floor. "Jarvis?" he asked.
"Yes, Mr. Barnes?" the AI asked. Bucky smirked at being called Mr.
"Tell no one where I am going. I don't even know myself. Tell Steve goodbye for me."
"Your request has been confirmed. Have a nice night, Mr. Barnes," Jarvis replied as the elevator doors slid open.
Bucky stepped out and pulled his hoodie up over his head and made sure it covered his metal arm.
Under the cover of darkness, the broken man faded into the city bathed in night.
Steve was floating. Somewhere far off, he heard Natasha and Bucky talking to him, but he couldn't make out their words. As if they were talking to him through layers of water when the voices stopped, he drifted back into the blackness.
This time, however, a figure was waiting for him. Peggy stood, facing him, her military uniform spotless, brown curls spilling over her elegant shoulders, red lips curved upwards in a smile. It was her eyes that intrigued him. Dark and intelligent, but also lively.
"Hello, Steve," she said in her British accent as she walked over to him.
"Peggy," he breathed. He looked down and saw that he, too, was in his brown military attire. "Where am I?"
"Your mind most likely," she said matter 'o' factly and with a curt smile.
"What am I doing here?" he asked as she walked closer to him.
"I am just a figment of your subconscious, Steve. I don't have the answers."
She was now standing directly in front of him. He wrapped his hands gently around her waist and pulled her closer to him. She leaned her head on his shoulder and he sighed. Even though he knew she was not real, she felt so real. He could feel her smooth arms under his hands and he could smell the sweet fragrance that wafted off her.
"I miss you so much," he murmured.
"I know," she replied. "But we had our time together."
Steve withdrew from the hug and placed his hands on her shoulders, staring into her captivating eyes. "Without you, there's no one here to understand me."
"You have Bucky," she replied and smirked.
"Yes. It is nice having him back. I wouldn't trade it for the world." The light around him began to fade, dimming and brightening at random intervals. "What's going on?"
"As I said, I have no idea," she said softly.
He felt his grip on her loosening, as if she were fading away in front of him. "Will I see you again?"
"I'm sure you will. You have plenty of near-death experiences," she laughed. Her clear, joyous voice echoed all around him, rich and sweet. One of his favorite things about her was the laugh she hardly ever uttered. When she did laugh, however, it breathed life into whatever room the was in. He had almost forgotten what it sounded like, she laughed so little in her later years.
His eyes began misting over and he wiped the wetness away. He wasn't ready to let her go, he never would be. But he knew he had to eventually.
Something started pulling him away from her, some force, dragging him back. "I love you!" he yelled into the void.
"I love you too!" she called back. And then she was gone, the blackness enveloping him.
"Peggy," Steve was muttering, still half asleep.
Natasha got up from the chair next to his bed and nudged his arm slightly. He had just woken up and she would have to break the news to him.
"Steve," she whispered.
His eyes opened lazily, their blueness no less intense.
"Hey, soldier, how you feeling?" Natasha asked.
"Alright for being a human target," he said quietly and cracked a small smile. "What are you doing here?"
Natasha took a deep breath. It was late afternoon. She was completely covered in dirt from head to toe as a result of running around the city all day trying to find Bucky.
"Where's Bucky?" Steve asked, his eyes opening a little more. "He would want to be here when I wake up."
"I'm sorry, Steve," Natasha started and watched his wounded face drop even further. "Bucky left the tower last night. We searched all day, no signs of him. Bucky's gone."
Steve sagged back against the pillow "Bucky," he mouthed. "No."
Please R&R if you liked it :) I have finals next friday, both honors finals on the same day. I can't promise an update over the weekend, but it is a 3-day weekend, and I will try my absolute best. Thanks for reading!