Avengers: Las Vegas
After the last chapter there was some confusion over Natasha's part in the story, so I'd like to clarify something here. In this story, Natasha was never an Avenger, and has never met any of the other characters before. Hopefully, the next chapter will explain some more questions that you may have :) PS. Welcome to the story, Cap :)
Disclaimer: I own nothing, I merely muse.
Chapter Five
I'll be here waiting ever so patiently for you to snap out of it
Arctic Monkeys
"So... I'm going to return to HQ, try and minimize the amount of publicity this bachelor party has received, and try to track down the god of thunder, the best archer in the world, and the Hulk," said Nick Fury, sounding very unimpressed. "Cap should be here in a few minutes; you two can start conducting a search." He left the villa in a swirl of black leather.
Tony blinked a few times, resisted the urge to lay down for a while, and stood up. "This has to be a joke, this has to be a joke..." he chanted, as he stumbled upstairs to get changed.
He pulled on jeans, a Black Sabbath t-shirt, and boots, and felt instantly more human.
"Right. Let's do this. Baby steps, baby steps..." He stepped into his beautiful en-suite bathroom, and quickly brushed his teeth to get rid of the scotch residue.
"And they tried to stop me from bringing the suitcase suit," he muttered, as he returned to his room to get it.
Only... it wasn't there.
He scanned the room more slowly, checking every inch of the floor. Nothing. He checked under the bed. Nothing. He checked the wardrobe. Nothing.
"This isn't funny," Tony said, loudly, even though he knew no one could hear him.
He checked his bathroom, and from there went on a thorough search of the entire house.
-~(*)~-
Bruce Banner woke up with the worst headache of his entire life.
He felt like he had been electrocuted, put through a washing machine, and then a tumble dryer.
Not the best feeling in the world.
He peered at his surroundings.
Not the best situation in the world, either.
He seemed to be in a ten by thirty foot reinforced glass cage.
An identical copy to the helicarrier cage.
How?
-~(*)~-
Tony's phone was ringing, and he couldn't find it.
"Shit, shit, shit..."
He ran around the house, listening closely to determine it's location.
After rushing around each room and tossing around a fair amount of bedding, he found it in Thor's bed.
"Yes? Hello? Hello?"
"Tony?" Pepper's voice was confused.
"Pepper?"
"I didn't wake you, did I?"
"What? No. Any news?"
"What do you mean?" Pepper asked, immediately turning suspicious.
"You mean you haven't...?"
"Haven't what, Tony?"
Tony slowly exhaled air through his nose. "I take it the spa doesn't have TV?"
"No, why? What did you do?" Pepper was getting increasingly shrill, which made Tony wish for another few pints of coffee.
Blessed with a moment of sheer genius, Tony smoothly lied himself out of the situation. "Nothing to worry about, I promise. Thor just had a few too many. Obviously, paparazi saw, but it was nothing terrible. He was just really funny. But probably best to not let Jane see."
"Oh, OK. Are you sure it's all OK? Do you need me to do a press release or something?" Pepper seemed a little calmer.
"Fury's handling it, don't worry yourself. Just relax at the spa, OK?"
"OK, if you're sure?"
Tony nodded, before remembering that she couldn't see him. "No problem at all. See you when we get back."
"See you soon, Tony."
"Ooh, hang on. Can you pass me over to Darcy?"
"Uh, sure..."
There was a rustle, before Darcy's distinctive voice appeared on the end of the line.
"Whassup?"
"Darcy. Tony here. Could you move away from Pepper and Jane, please? Find a nice quiet corner."
"Sinister, much?" Tony could dimly hear Darcy walking for about half a minute, then sprawl onto a deckchair. "I am alone," she announced, in monotone.
"Right. Three things."
"Three, shoot."
"Actually, make that five."
"Five?!"
"Number one, I expect to be able to fully trust you with all the information that I'm about to divulge to you. Are we clear on that?" Tony asked.
"Top secret stuff, huh?"
"Utterly top secret, at least to those who don't currently have access to TV."
"What's happened?" Darcy asked, excitedly.
"Not a word, hint or nudge to Pepper or Jane, OK?"
"No nudging, done."
"Number two, this is serious stuff. Treat it as such."
"Serious, done."
"Number three, Loki is running riot again, aided by a pretty damn infamous spy called Black Widow."
"Holy shit!"
"Number four, I've lost Thor, Clint and Bruce."
"WHAT?! How do you just lose the god of thunder? How pissed did you get? Jane's gonna kill you. Pepper's gonna kill you. I'm surprised Fury hasn't already killed you!"
"Number five, ring my suitcase."
"Fury knows, doesn't he? Of course he does, he has access to a TV and the news channel. I don't like spas. They glare at me when I listen to my iPod. Supposed to be a 'technology-free zone' which is bullshit."
"Please call my suitcase."
"So, what's happening on the news? Have you started looking for them yet? Are they definitely alive? They're not on the roof, are they? Coz I've seen The Hangover."
Tony turned the coffee machine on again. "Darcy, please, call my suitcase."
"What?"
"My suit-suitcase. Get JARVIS to call it. Please."
"Are you stuttering?"
"Nope. The suitcase. For my suit. Please."
"Why do you need me to get JARVIS to ring your suitcase?"
Tony downed his espresso. "Darcy, you clearly understand the task I've set you. Please, please, do the task."
"Have you lost your suitcase?"
"Yep."
"Have you checked the roof?"
"Nope."
"I'd check the roof," Darcy mused. "You're not doing very well at not losing things, are you?"
"No, least of all, my sanity. Are you going to call my suitcase?"
"Sure. Give me a sec."
"Thanks, Darcy. And not a word to Pepper or Jane. Got it?"
"You got it." She hung up.
-~(*)~-
After nearly twenty minutes of unsuccessful searching for a ringing suitcase, Tony gave in to Darcy's way of thinking, and managed to climb onto the roof.
"So that's where Clint's mattress went," Tony muttered, wondering how much money would be taken out of the -quite hefty- deposit. "Hang on..."
He dialled Pepper's phone. Darcy answered.
"I've rung the damn suitcase like a million times," Darcy grumbled.
"Darcy, how did The Hangover end?"
"The groom was on the roof the whole time," she replied, instantly.
Tony did a lap of the roof, looking for any sign of any missing Avenger.
"You're on the roof, aren't you?"
"Guilty as charged. Clint's mattress and bedding are up here, but no humans."
"Damn."
"OK, there's a car approaching. Darcy, I'll call you back in a bit. Call the suitcase again in about five minutes, yeah?"
"Sure thing." Darcy hung up.
Tony turned his attention towards the car, which pulled up smoothly in front of the villa, let one person out, then drove off again.
Less than ten seconds later, Steve Rogers, no, Captain America, stood on the roof in front of Tony, fully suited up.
"Avengers, assemble!" Steve declared, looking perfectly patriotic and impressive.
The only issue was that Tony was seemingly the only other Avenger in the near vicinity, and he was catastrophically hungover.
"Small problem with that, Cap. No idea where the others are."
"How is that possible?" Steve demanded.
"No idea. I'd like to know, though."
"So, what's the plan of action?"
"You tell me, Cap," said Tony, sitting down heavily. "Where the hell do we start?"
"Where was the last place you remember being?" Steve asked, taking a notepad and pen out of his utility belt.
"I remember mead here, then the bar, then Fury being angry."
"Very helpful," said Steve, sarcastically. He paused. "Do you hear that?"
"Is it my suitcase?" Tony asked, hopefully.
"Something's ringing," said Steve, ignoring Tony.
"Is it my suitcase?" Tony repeated.
Steve shushed him, and started walking towards where the noise was emitting from.
"It's my suitcase!" Tony declared, crawling over to near where Steve was searching. "It had better not be-" He pulled back the covers from Clint's mattress, and picked up the suitcase suit, which was nestled there cosily.
"Whose mattress is that?" Steve asked, curiously.
"Clint's. He clearly tucked my suitcase into bed, the bastard."
"You brought the suitcase suit?" Steve asked, disapprovingly.
"For this exact situation!" Tony insisted, hugging it to his chest.
"And you've checked every room of this house, definitely no one else here?" Steve checked.
"Certain."
"Right. Let's do a quick sweep of the surrounding area, then we'll go to the bars you went to, see if the staff there remember anything."
"Good plan, Cap. Do you really need to be wearing the costume for this?"
"With Loki involved, it's better to be safe than sorry," said Steve, rather primly.
"I keep forgetting about Loki," Tony muttered. "And what about Black Widow?"
"First priority is to reassemble the Avengers, then we can make a more adequate attempt to deal with Loki and Black Widow."
"Got it."
-~(*)~-
To be addressed in the next chapter: Where the hell is Bruce? Is Hawkeye still naked in the desert? Who is Black Widow and what is she up to?