The Cafe of the Third Eye
If I had Only Known
by
Sabrina Lonewalker
The TARDIS landed with a thump and for the longest, no one stepped out. Finally, a tall, lanky man with wild hair and squared off sideburns stumbled out. He was soaking wet but acted like he didn't care. He heard the sounds from inside the Cafe but, he didn't react to them, not yet. Finally, he looked around, got his bearings and walked inside. He found the table he usually sat at and leaned back against the wall behind him. A waitress came over and quietly asked him if he wanted anything. He ordered tea and she walked away.
He sat with his head in his hands. Everything had happened so quickly that he hadn't had time to think and now, he had too much time. Leaving Rose in the other dimension with his twin had hurt but, it was her chance for the forever she had always wanted. He knew how much his clone loved her, after all, he loved her with everything he had. How could his clone not love Rose Tyler? He knew she would be all right with him.
But then, Donna. What had happened with Donna had floored him. She had been doing so well after the Crucible and the creation of his twin. Even on the beach of Bad Wolf Bay, she had been the one to tell his twin how to accelerate the growth of the TARDIS coral he had tossed to him. The Doctor had smiled on that and then...then, it had all gone so wrong. Her head began to burn and there was only one way to save her and he had done it.
He had wiped Donna Noble's mind of every memory ever associated with him. She had grown and learned so much and now, it was all gone. "No," he thought, "Not totally gone, I remember." But Donna would never remember that she had been the single most important being in the entire universe. But for her, Davros would have succeeded and none of what was now here would have existed, not even him. He had taken her home, to her mother and her grand father. He had told them what he had done and why and then, as he was leaving, the skies had opened up, almost as if heaven was weeping for her.
He had stumbled into his beloved TARDIS, thrown his soaked trench coat over a coral strut and had blindly set controls or, maybe TARDIS had brought him here. The waitress set his tea on the table and he looked up and thanked her. He poured a cup from the pot and sipped it, letting it's warmth begin to permeate his body, taking away some of the chill he was feeling from being out in the rain. He saw that Allegra's band was beginning to set up on the stage and he smiled, wondering what Allegra would make of his mood right now.
Allegra was in her dressing room brushing her long hair when she felt him. What had happened this time? She wondered. He was relieved about something and yet, he was in such pain. She stopped and looked at her mirror. He was in pain about both companions and yet, where one was concerned, he was satisfied but the other one, that's where the pain was coming from. This presented her with a dilemma until a song popped into her mind and she smiled, "Of course," she whispered, "The perfect song for both." She laid her brush down, straightened her tunic and headed out to the stage. It was time to sing.
She took to the stage to a smattering of applause. She nodded in acknowledgement and looked over at the back corner. She was shocked by his appearance. His hair was usually unruly but the rest was usually immaculate if a bit rumpled but now, it was as if he no longer cared. She spoke to her bandleader, telling him what she wanted to sing. He nodded and told the rest of the group. She took her seat on the high stool behind the microphone stand as the band tuned up.
The band began the intro to the song and Allegra closed her eyes. She hoped this would help him but, she never knew if it would or not. She smiled as her cue came up.
"If I had only known
It was our last walk in the rain
I'd keep you out for hours in the storm
I would hold your hand
Like a lifeline to my heart
Underneath the thunder we'd be warm
If I had only known
It was our last walk in the rain"
The Doctor's head came up as Allegra began to sing. Right now, he was thinking of Rose. He really hadn't known for sure until after the Crucible that he would never see her again. It had hurt but he still thought he had done the right thing. His twin needed her, needed her more that he, The Doctor, did. "At least she's not alone," He thought. Allegra continued.
"If I had only known
I'd never hear your voice again
I'd memorize each thing you ever said
And on those lonely nights
I could think of them once more
Keep your voice alive inside my head
If I had only known
I'd never hear your voice again"
Now, he thought about Donna, her way of talking, calling him "Spaceman" and then in the Crucible, when she had called him and his twin "Skinny boys in suits," He smiled, He would remember her voice everytime he closed his eyes. He would miss her, miss her alot more than he had realized. A tear began to run down his cheek and he dashed it away angerily.
"You were the treasure in my hand
You were the one who always stood beside me
So unaware I foolishly believed
That you would always be there
But then there came a day
And I turned my head and
You slipped away"
Now, it was Rose again. He had wanted so badly to believe her when she said she would stay with him forever and he had let himself believe it. Even after Canary Wharf, she had found a way back but now, there would be no way back. No way back for either Rose or Donna.
"If I had only known
It was my last night by your side
I'd pray a minute would stop the dawn
And when you'd you smile at me
I would look into your eyes
And make sure you knew my love for you
goes on and on"
He had lost both of them and yet, each in their own way had loved him. He had had to admit to himself that he also loved both of them but in vastly different ways. Rose was the love of his Tenth incarnations life and Donna, Donna was best friend, big sister in a way and now, both were gone, by his own doing. He just hadn't expected to miss them so much.
"If I had only known
If I had only known
The love I would have shown
If I had only known
(Spoken) If I had only known"
The music finished and there was silence for a few moments then, the crowd erupted into applause. From the looks on some of the faces around him, the Doctor knew this song had not been just for him. He knew it may be too late but, he resolved to never let anything ,like this happen again. He would not take any companion for granted ever again. He had done that with Sarah Jane, Tegan, Nyssa, even Ace. Grace, beautiful, sweet Grace, he had never taken her for granted but then, his Eighth incarnation had loved her so overwhelmingly he had actually gone back to Earth to get her. She was dead now, so long ago.
He had so many regrets, so much sadness in his long lifespan. He sat there, still sipping his tea and thinking until finally, he got to his feet, pulled his trench coat around him and walked back out to TARDIS. He slipped inside and soon, with a familiar sound, the big, blue call box vanished.
TBC