A/N: Hey, everyone! Here's the next one-shot... as the title of the chapter states, this one is season 5, Loss. Not much else to say, so enjoy!

Olivia felt like breaking down in tears. Elliot didn't even know what to think.

The shooting outside the bar was still fresh in Elliot's mind. He cursed himself every which way for what he had happened to Alex; he and Olivia were supposed to be protecting her, and he allowed her to be shot and killed.

At least, that's what he thought. He would never forget the moment Alex stepped out of the car, alive, and mostly well, with her arm in a sling. He would never forget the moment he realized he would have to go to a funeral for a close friend he knew had been shipped off to some classified location, and pretend mourn over the loss, and over never seeing her again. Then again, he really may never see her again. She would be safe now, hopefully.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Olivia run both hands over her face. He knew he should say something, but he didn't even know where to start.

"At least she's okay." He whispered finally, keeping his eyes on the dark road ahead of them.

"Yeah." She answered, sighing.

Finally, he took a second to really look at her. She was frowning deeply, and held her head up with her hand. Her eyes were focused on the road.

"Are you?"

"We failed her, El." She whispered.

He couldn't argue with her, because he agreed. They did fail her. They allowed her to get shot. He couldn't even get the license plate of the vehicle as he ran out into the road. The only thing that either of them could say was that Olivia stopped the blood long enough to keep her alive. But no one could know about that. Every one was forced to think that she had been murdered by the very people she was trying so hard to put away.

"We have to go to her funeral." Olivia said. "W-we have to pretend-

Elliot grabbed her hand, and squeezed it tight. "I know."

"I don't know if I can do this."

They were both feeling overwhelmed. Elliot hit the brakes, pulled onto the side of the deserted road, and threw the console up from between them. Without thinking, he reached for her, pulling her into one of the tightest hugs he had given anyone. Her arms squeezed just as tightly around him as she buried her face in his shoulder.

"It's gonna be okay." He whispered, though the words were hollow. He had no idea if it would be okay. He had no idea if the men responsible would ever be brought to justice, and he had no idea if Alex would ever step inside about Manhattan court room again.

Elliot's tie felt like it was choking him. He and Olivia stood next to each other at the cemetery along with the D.A.'s office, half of the NYPD and Alex's family. At some point during the service, their hands had found each other and squeezed tightly. Elliot's other hand was shoved into the pocket of his suit pants. There was a permanent lump in his throat. He could feel anguish radiating from his partner.

Olivia's hand tightened even more around his when Alex's mother spoke. Halfway through her eulogy, she broke down into tears and had to be escorted back into the crowd. A few tears ran down Olivia's face.

She's alive. And we can't even tell her mother.

When it was finally over, the partners headed back towards their sedan.

"You okay, Liv?" He asked quietly, turning towards her from the driver's seat.

She shook her head. "How could I be okay right now?"

"I don't know." He mumbled, staring at the steering wheel. She was right; how could either of them be okay?

"Will you stay?" She asked quietly when he pulled in front of her building.

Elliot nodded. He knew that he should have probably headed home, but Olivia was the only one that understood, and that's what he really needed right now. Besides, he knew that she needed it, too. There was no way he was going to leave her to deal with this on her own.

They collapsed onto the couch next to each other. Olivia popped the cap off the bottle of Jack Daniels she'd received from the kitchen, and took a sip before handing the bottle to him silently. He took a sip as well, leaning back.

"What do you think she's doing right now?" She whispered minutes later, after they had traded the bottle back and forth several more times.

"I don't know." Elliot answered. "W-we failed, Liv. She was counting on us, and…"

He shook his head, dropping it into his hands.

"I know." She answered. "El… can you just…?"

He looked into her eyes, and immediately knew what she wanted. He took one more swig of alcohol, and reached out for her, pulling her close to his chest.

They didn't do this. Since they became partners, there was a silent agreement between the two of them: no touching. Besides a few brushes and pats on the shoulder, they'd stuck to that rule. Olivia wasn't sure how or why that was; perhaps she knew deep down that once she felt his embrace, she would never want to let go. And, as it turns out, she was right. As soon as his arms wrapped around her, she wanted nothing more than to sink into them and never pull away. He was warm, inviting, and it felt… right.

She couldn't help the tears formed in her eyes, so she buried her face in his chest, and let them fall. She was safe with him. He would never judge her.

Elliot felt her tears on his shirt, and it made it even harder to control his own emotions. He buried his face in the crook of her neck, and murmured. "She's gonna be fine, Liv. She has to wait until… Velez is put away."

"When the hell is that going to be?" She asked. "You know as well as I do that could very well never happen, El."

He squeezed his arm around her waist. Reluctantly, he said, "I know. But… we have to keep hope."

She pulled away from him slightly, just so she could look him in the face. There was sorrow in his eyes, but something else, as well… something that she couldn't quite put her finger on. It looked like the same thing that she saw when his family were around, but… different. Love? She scoffed inwardly. Maybe brotherly love. Nothing more than that.

"How?" She whispered. How could we keep hope?

"I don't know." He answered, reaching up to brush a strand of hair behind her ear. "But we have each other, right?"

Olivia nodded, and in a small voice, she answered, "Right."

She didn't know how he made her feel like this. Only he could draw this emotion from the depths of her mind; she wasn't even sure what it was. She cared for him. She loved him.

Warmth was filling him. His mind, heart, the pit of his stomach… they were all drowning in it. He knew exactly what it meant, but it almost made him feel sick. He wasn't supposed to feel this for anyone but his wife… but Olivia had a way of drawing out things he'd never felt before. Here she was, crying on his shoulder, yet he couldn't stop thinking about how beautiful she was.

"That's what Alex wants." He whispered, dropping his gaze. "She wanted to let us know that she was alive so we wouldn't feel guilty. Wouldn't have to mourn."

"Then why couldn't she tell her mother? The rest of the squad?" Olivia asked.

"I don't know. They probably wouldn't let her."

Olivia sighed shakily, dropping her head back against his shoulder. "Please… just don't let go."

Elliot's arms tightened around her. "You don't even have to ask."

Without even thinking, he leaned down, and pressed a kiss to her forehead. They both seemed to react to his action at the same time; she looked up at him, and he released her immediately, scooting away.

Ah, shit. I stepped over a line there.

We've already stepped over a few lines tonight, though. What's one more?

He reached for the bottle of alcohol, taking a swig and hoping that it would serve to calm his racing mind and heart.

"El?" She asked quietly.

He shook his head. "Sorry. I shouldn't have…"

She shushed him gently. "Don't. I… it was nice."

Shock wasn't even the right word to describe how he was feeling. A dangerous mixture of emotions were flowing through him, and was all too much. He jumped to his feet, and paced to the window. He just needed some space, he needed to make sure he wouldn't do anything stupid. His wife was waiting for him at home, and here he was, thinking about how much he wanted to grab this woman and kiss her for all he was worth.

"El? You okay?" She asked gently, slowly approaching him. She was so confused; they'd gone from embracing, comforting each other, to him fleeing from her in a matter of seconds. What the hell is going on?

"I'm fine." He breathed, gaze locked on the view out the apartment window. He simply needed to collect himself before he ended up doing something that he would regret.

"You don't look fine." Olivia said, resting a hand on his shoulder. "Please, talk to me."

He turned towards her slowly. There was nothing he'd rather do than just give in to temptation and fall into her arms, but he just couldn't. He was a faithful husband; he would never betray his wife like that. Besides, he hadn't even thought about Olivia's reaction. He wasn't going to risk losing both his marriage and his closest, dearest friend. He knew that he couldn't handle that.

"I should go." He said finally, making a beeline for his coat. "I-I'm sorry, Olivia."

"You're sorry? What are you sorry for? Why are you in such a rush to get out of here now?" She should have known; the emotions were written plainly on his face. Olivia just couldn't believe them; she almost didn't want to believe them. Then she would get her hopes up.

Elliot didn't respond, just collected his jacket with shaking hands. The only thing that stopped him was Olivia's tight grasp on his shoulder. "Elliot, would you talk to me?"

Neither of them knew exactly what happened next. Elliot was so intent on getting out of that apartment before he did something he regretted, and Olivia just wanted to know the reason behind her partner's strange behavior. When they came face to face, something unknown took over both of them. Neither could hold back the emotion anymore. Elliot dropped his coat and his arms wrapped around her. Olivia responded immediately, leaning in and pressing her lips to his.

For a moment during the kiss, Elliot's mind went blank. The only thing that he could think about was how amazing her lips felt against his, how soft, and warm… he could hardly believe what was happening. The only thing he wanted to do was wrap his arms tighter around her and kiss her for days.

The kiss lasted only seconds, and as soon as they broke apart, the guilt came crashing down.

I just cheated on my wife.

He felt sick to his stomach.

I just betrayed the mother of my children. I kissed another woman. I cheated on Kathy.

There's no way she's going to forgive me.

Elliot slipped his jacket on, and stumbled out of the apartment as fast as he could.

You're a scumbag. Your wife is at home, taking care of your kids, probably waiting for your ass to get back, and you're at your partner's apartment fucking kissing her.

He felt like the lowest of the low. He had to get home to Kathy, he had to make sure she knew that he still loved her.

He did still love her… right?

Elliot wrapped his jacket tighter around himself as he stepped out into the chilly night. Fear clenched at his heart when he tried to picture his wife, but could only see Olivia. When he thought about love, it was so hard not to think about his partner. He loved her… he was just too terrified to admit it.

The detective collapsed onto a park bench across the street from the apartment with a grunt. His head was racing; he needed to figure out what he was going to do.

Well, you have to tell Kathy.

But what about Olivia? You need to get back in there and save your partnership! Who knows whether or not she really wanted that kiss? She may be just as confused as you are. She may want to kick you in the balls for kissing her like that.

Your wife should come first.

As much as he tried to convince himself of that last thought, he just couldn't. Over the past few months, as ashamed as he was to admit it, his wife hadn't been coming first. Recently, it had been all about Olivia. He loved seeing her happy, he wanted to please her, he wanted to spend time with her.

You need to stop thinking about her like this. You're married, one of your closest friends was just put into WPP, you have enough emotional shit going on right now without dealing with this whole… whatever the hell this is. Go home to your wife, explain yourself, and prepare to beg for forgiveness.

"Is this seat taken?"

Olivia looked down at him. She had quickly thrown on a sweatshirt and leather jacket, and stood in front of him, hands shoved in her pockets. Elliot shook his head, scooting over to make room. He had no idea what was going to say to her, but he knew that they needed to talk.

"So, are we gonna talk?" She asked, lowering herself onto the bench. "About… what happened?"

"It was a mistake." He mumbled, crossing his arms."Just forget it happened. We were both emotional, we both have alcohol in our systems, that's all."

"I don't know about you, but I'm completely lucid." Olivia said quietly. "I just… I respect your marriage, Elliot, you know I do, but if we don't figure out what's going on here… it could ruin everything."

Something inside of him snapped. He turned towards her, "You want to know what's going on here? The problem is that I feel something for you that I really shouldn't be feeling, especially since I've got a wife at home. And I feel like the scum of the earth for it."

Olivia was speechless. Even though she was pushing and prodding, she never thought that he would come out and admit this. Suddenly, she felt like garbage. What are you thinking? He's married, damn it!

"You're night." She whispered, standing. "I'm sorry, we shouldn't have done it. See you tomorrow."

She turned from him, and headed back to her building, feeling utterly stupid. What was she expecting? There was no way he was going to dump his family, his perfect life, for her. He was head over heels for Kathy, and nothing would ever change that, no matter how much she hoped.

If he's so in love, why would he kiss you?

He already said, it was just the emotions, the alcohol…

He wanted to kiss you. He leaned in just as much as you did. He even said he felt something for you.

Just don't get your hopes up.

Elliot's mind was racing as he drove over the Queensborough bridge. What am I gonna tell Kathy? If I say what happened, she's never going to forgive me.

So don't tell her.

I can't lie to her.

He took a deep breath, scrubbing his face with one hand. Tonight wasn't the first time he had thought of his partner in a romantic way… he found himself doing it more and more frequently in the past few months. He thought that he could handle it, that if he ignored it for long enough it would just go away, but he should have known better. He was in love with Olivia Benson… and there was nothing he could do about it.

He still loved his wife. He would never stop loving her; she gave him five beautiful children and stood by him through some of the hardest times in his life. But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't get Olivia out of his head. He was starting to hate himself for it.

You have a beautiful wife at home waiting for you. She loves you. She's devoted to you.

There's no way I could feel any worse than I do right now.

When Elliot slipped into the house and closed the door softly behind him, the light in the living room was still on. Kathy sat on the couch, wearing one of his t-shirts and a pair of sleeping shorts. Seeing her sitting there, waiting for him, wearing his clothes, made him feel even worse.

"El." She greeted, setting down the book she was reading. "Is everything okay? How did the funeral go?"

"Kath…" A lump formed in his throat. He had to tell her. There was no way he could keep this from her.

She stood, reached out to loosen his tie for him, then wrapped her arms around him. "I'm so sorry, El." She whispered. "I know this must be hard for you."

This is hard for me… it's just not what you're thinking it is.

"I kissed Olivia." He blurted. FUCK, you idiot!

Kathy's arms dropped from around him, she took a step back, and he could immediately see the hurt in her eyes. "What?"

"I'm sorry." He whispered, cheeks burning with shame, eyes glued to the carpet. He couldn't even look at her. "God, Kath, I'm so sorry, I just… I don't even know what happened, one minute we were talking, and the next…"

"Stop." She said, putting even more distance between them when she sat down on the couch. Her eyes were glistening with unshed tears; Elliot felt like taking the gun from his side and putting himself out of his misery. She inhaled sharply, and said, "Just stop. I knew it. I knew that there was something between the two of you."

"Kathy, please-

She shook her head. "Go."

"What?"

"You need to leave." Kathy said, standing. "Please, just… go."

"What about the kids?" He whispered.

"What about me, Elliot?"

"I love you." His voice cracked as he tried to keep the emotions at bay. "I made a mistake. Please, Kathy, just listen to me."

"I don't need to listen." She snapped, her tears nearly overflowing. "Your actions speak louder than your words, Elliot, and you clearly would rather have Olivia than your family. You already spend more time with her than you do with us."

"I'm working. Trying to support this family. I thought you understood that."

"I thought I did, too. This isn't about you working, this is about you screwing around with another woman when your wife and children sit at home."

Her words felt like someone had stabbed him in the gut and twisted. He nodded once, grabbed his coat and headed for the door. "I am sorry, Kath." He said. "I really do love you."

She didn't answer him, and that's what scared him the most. Nodding once, he slipped his jacket on and left the house. He didn't know what else he could do.

Elliot was exhausted the next day. After leaving Queens, he didn't know what else to do, so he went back to the precinct and laid down upstairs in the cribs. He could barely sleep; he still felt like absolute garbage… not only was he in danger of losing his wife, he also may lose his partner. She was positive that the way they ended things the night before was not anywhere near where they should have… he had felt so terrible that he couldn't even look at his partner. He couldn't deny his feelings for her, and it confused the hell out of him. He always loved Kathy unconditionally… until Olivia came along. How could he pick his partner over the woman he had spent his entire adult life with?

"You look terrible." Olivia said, sitting down across from him.

Elliot shook his head, pulling files out of his inbox. "Don't want to talk about it."

The rest of the day went much like that. The only time he spoke was when they were discussing a case, and even then, it was like pulling teeth. Finally, an hour before they were supposed to get off, she had enough. When he headed back down the hallway to the bathroom, she pulled him into one of interview room and closed the door.

"What the hell, Liv?"

"We need to talk." Olivia said.

Elliot sat down on the table, sighing heavily. "I told Kathy what happened. She kicked me out."

"El… I'm sorry. That wasn't my intention."

"I know. It wasn't your fault." He scoffed. "I deserved it."

"You made a mistake."

Elliot looked up at her, grasping the edge of the table to keep from reaching for her. That's what he really wanted to do; pull her close, and just forget about the mess that he was making of his life. He couldn't allow himself to do it, though; that was the one thing that he could do that would make everything worse.

"El?" She asked softly.

"I can't do this." He muttered, dropping his head into his hands. "Just leave me alone, Olivia. I don't want to talk about it."

She gripped his hands, and gently pulled them away from his face. "Fine, you don't want to talk about it now? Come stay at my apartment tonight. You don't have anywhere else to go, and we really need to talk."

"I need to talk to Kathy tonight. To figure out what's going on."

"El, listen." She said before he got a chance to walk away. She reached out, and grasped his shoulder. "I just want to let you know… you're my partner first. I just want to make sure… I couldn't handle our friendship being ruined over this. I… couldn't stand losing you."

"I know." He answered. "I can't lose you, either, Liv. I promise… you won't, no matter what."

The few hours they were apart were torture for her. The worst thing was that she had no idea what was going on; if the most important man in her life was hashing things out with his wife, or being thrown out of his home by her.

Olivia got her answer when there was a banging on her door. Behind it, Elliot stood, a duffel bag slung around his shoulder. "Mind if I take you up on your offer?"

"Of course not." She said, stepping aside.

He slid past her, dropped the bag on the floor, and plopped onto the couch with a grunt.

"Want to talk about it?" She asked, sitting next to him.

"Not really." He mumbled, dropping his head against the cushions.

Olivia stood, walked into the kitchen, and returned a moment later holding a beer. She handed it to him before sitting back down.

"Thanks." He said, popping it open and taking a sip.

She watched him for a long moment as he sipped the beer and stared off at the wall across the apartment.

"We sat down together and had a long talk." He began quietly. "I tried to apologize. Hell, I almost got down on my knees and groveled. She said she knew I was sorry, but that didn't mean I regretted what I did. I tried to tell her she was wrong. She knew better."

"She thinks you don't love her?" She asked incredulously.

"She knows I do… but she also knows that I'm in love with someone else." He couldn't even believe the words were coming out of his mouth. He never thought he'd be talking about loving anyone else other than Kathy. "She knew everything… even before I knew. She said that she didn't blame me; I can't help what I feel for… what I feel."

"So what's going to happen?" Olivia asked quietly.

Elliot sighed. "She let me pack some stuff, kiss the kids, and… told me that I'd be getting the divorce papers in the mail."

"She's divorcing you?" Olivia's heart dropped into the pit of her stomach. "Elliot… I'm so sorry."

He scrubbed his face in his hands. "The worst part is, when she told me… I almost felt relieved. Can you imagine that? My wife just told me that she wants a divorce, and I felt relieved."

"Why?"

He looked up at her, and reached for a lock of hair that fell in front of her shoulder. His two fingers tangled within it, sending shivers down her spine. She didn't know why, but every time he touched her it was like a jolt of electricity.

"Because now I don't feel guilty when I look at you." He said softly. His hand slid down her arm, and stopped on her knee. He was just too tired to fight his feelings anymore. His wife was divorcing him; there was no reason to suppress how he felt. "Or when I touch you."

"El." She said. "Hold on… I don't want you to do something you'll regret."

He swallowed. "Liv… I have feelings for you. I-I know I told you that, but… they aren't new. I just tried like hell to suppress them. I'm not on the rebound, I'm not emotionally unstable or any of that crap. I just…" He took a deep breath. "I just need you."

"You don't know how long I've been waiting for you to say that." Olivia whispered. "I just… I need to know that you're sure."

"I couldn't be more." He said, leaning in to rest his forehead against hers. The first time they kissed, he fought like hell to stop. The truth was, he was terrified. He never wanted to betray anybody. But this time… he remembered what the first had been like, and he wanted to feel that again.

He felt her relax against him, and grip his hand as the distance between them closed. When their lips touched for the second time, the warmth came back. No one he'd ever kissed made him feel the way he felt with her. That's how he knew what he felt for her was real.

"I have to be honest." He breathed as they broke apart. "Right now… I'm not ready to jump into another serious relationship."

"Of course, El, I know that." She answered, squeezing his hand. "It's okay."

"You didn't let me finish." He said, squeezing back. "I'm not ready right now… but I can't imagine being with anyone other than you. This must sound selfish, but… would you…?"

"Wait for you?" She finished. When he nodded his assent, she answered, "El, I've been waiting for you for years. A month or two more won't kill me."

"It's not going to be that long." He promised. "Just until I get back on my feet, and… sign the papers."

"As long as I get to hold you like this." She murmured, dropping her head into his broad shoulder. "Be held by you."

Elliot wrapped his arms tighter around her, smiling softly. "Honestly, Liv? Nothing would make me happier."

A/N: Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed, and if you did, drop a review! Remember, review=sneak peak of the next one-shot! If it's an especially good review, I may even give you a little extra ;) By the way, if you haven't read Shattered, I recommend you go to my page and check it out! Remember to leave a comment on that one too, if you enjoy it!

Have an awesome morning/afternoon/evening!

Stabson