AN: Hi everyone my apologies for the delay in posting the new chapter, my life has kind of spiralled out of my control lately and I'm only just getting things back on track so it hasn't left much room for writing. I would like to thank you all for your patience - I know that it's a pain when you're reading a story and then you have to wait ages for the author to post something so thank you for bearing with me on this. Thank you also to all of you who have read/reviewed/followed etc. this story - that means a lot, especially in those moments where I've been at my lowest point. Thank you for all of your support. I'm sorry I didn't get the chance to PM you all, as I said things have been out of control lately, for so many reasons but hopefully it won't be as long of a wait next time.

This chapter is a little shorter than I'd intended but I actually liked the way it ended so decided to leave it as it is rather than adding more into it just for the sake of the word count. Special thanks as always go out to my friends Blindmoose, KChandler0, ILoveXmas, KanucksPen and Ltlconf who have each helped me to create this slightly AU world of FOL, I really appreciate you listening to all of my brainstorming and in light of recent events I truly appreciate you listening to me rambling on about things that can't be changed - that means more than you know.

As usual it is unbeta'd so any mistakes are my own. If you spot any give me a shout and I'll change them if I can. I hope you enjoy the new chapter.

Jaxx

...

'A man always has two reasons for doing anything: a good reason and the real reason'

J.P Morgan

…

Chapter 6: The Real Reason

…

As soon as she saw the application in Blair's hands Jo knew.

She'd screwed up.

Worse she had no idea how to make it right. Tootie and Natalie couldn't hide the anxiety from their faces as they looked between their older roommates. The honeymoon period was definitely over.

'Blair, baby, I can explain…'

God she hoped she could explain. Would she even be given the chance to try?

Jo couldn't believe how stupid she'd been. She could see the hurt in her girlfriend's eyes, the anger. She hated herself for causing those feelings. It was like a shot to the guts. She should have been honest from the beginning. There had been no good reason to keep this from Blair. Her own cowardice had been the reason for her silence, she hadn't wanted to deal with Blair's reaction. She hadn't wanted to face the reality that her Princess may walk away rather than become a cop's 'wife'. She had allowed her fear to cloud her judgement and the only person she had to blame was herself.

'What's there to explain? You lied to me Joey.'

'I didn't lie ta ya Blair, I just didn't tell ya. I'm sorry for that… I just…'

Yeah. That was a great opening gambit. A sure fire way to cause this discussion to escalate beyond either of their control. She really needed to get herself sorted. If she didn't she was going to lose the most important person in her life. If she lost Blair now, after everything that had happened it'd be her own fault.

'Oh, well that makes everything alright then…' the edge to the blonde's tone made it clear just how little she appreciated Jo's words.

Jo knew she shouldn't lose her temper, this was no time to be angry but she hated it when Blair used that tone. The wave of emotions swirling within her manifested themselves in the easiest, most predictable, form of all – fury.

'For Christ's sake Blair this ain't about you, it's my life we're talkin 'bout here!'

She knew it was the wrong thing to say. She knew it as soon as the words cascaded from her mouth reverberating around their room and seeming to knock everything into pieces around them. Even if she hadn't realised how wrong it was, the way Blair flinched at the words, the very impact that they had were enough to make her regret every syllable. She wished she could take it back. Especially when Blair responded in kind. Blair Warner wasn't the kind of woman to take that tone from anyone, especially not Jo Polniaczek.

'No. It's OUR life Joanna Marie Polniaczek! Or have you forgotten that already?'

'No… I ain't forgotten it… I just… It ain't that simple!'

'It's exactly that simple. I'm not the one making any long term career choices here… You're the one going around making applications to invite certain death without consulting me…'

Blair was a woman who knew how to use words to get a reaction. Everyone in the room knew that, especially Jo. They were on the verge of open war, just like they always had been, there was no stopping it now. They barely noticed when Tootie and Natalie started edging slowly towards the door, their younger roommates looking everywhere but at them, afraid that their presence would only cause the situation to escalate more quickly. Perhaps Mrs Garrett would know what to do, if only they could get to her in time. Nudging past Jo, the two made their escape as discretely as they could. The taller brunette, who was now moving towards Blair, barely registered their movement. It didn't matter to her what they were doing. All she knew was she had to make things right. But she just couldn't let this go. Her pride, inherited from both of her parents, deeply rooted in her cultural heritage and upbringing simply couldn't allow it to slide. Not when her blood was this hot. Who was Blair to dictate the terms of their relationship? Her infamous temper, inherited directly from her mother, was well on its way to getting the better of her again.

'Without consultin ya? Whaddaya mean I gotta consult ya? Jeez I ain't allowed ta make my own choices no more?'

'We're supposed to be partners Joey, we make our decisions together!'

'Oh yeah? Is that why you're already applyin ta law school? I don't remember bein consulted on that…'

'That's different! I didn't keep that a secret from anyone, you're the one who encouraged me to apply… you were with me when I picked up the prospectus! We weren't even together at the time… and the course doesn't start for a couple of years…'

'Well whaddaya think? That I just decided ta apply ta the Academy last week? I been lookin inta it for months now, years! We weren't together when I made the choice ta apply either… how's that different?'

'I'm not going to be killed working as a lawyer Joey!'

'You don't know that! How can ya? Besides I ain't gonna get killed as a cop either…'

'Cops are killed all the time Joey… you know that better than anyone…'

'Well I ain't gonna get killed, I ain't gonna be careless!'

'You don't know that! I don't know what I'll do if something happens to you…'

With that single sentence everything changed. Their voices were quietly intense now. The furious heat had gone from their argument. Their hearts were on the line now. Jo knew she had one chance to make this right. She had been an idiot but if she could only explain, if she could only show Blair how important this was to her, if she could allow herself that vulnerability then maybe, just maybe, Blair would understand. She had no choice. There was no way she was losing Blair over this. She had to make it right. It was time to be honest. Completely and irrevocably honest. Blair would understand. She had to make her Princess see.

'This is somethin I need ta do Blair… It's important…'

'If it's so important why haven't you mentioned it before? This isn't a spur of the moment thing Joey, you've known about this for months… years… you should have told me…'

'It ain't as simple as ya think Blair… I hadda be sure…'

'Looks like you're pretty sure to me…' She looked at the application and began reading aloud 'Being a Police Officer is the greatest opportunity and privilege there is, it's about more than law enforcement to me, it's about helping people, making a real tangible difference…'

Hearing her own words read back to her, words that she had been sincere in writing only hours before, made the brunette feel worse, her words revealed her desire, her need, to become a cop in intense detail. Blair was right, this decision was too important. She should have mentioned her ambition long before now. But the application process alone had been months in the making. The journey to making that decision had been a hard one, taken over several years. She'd lost count of the number of times she'd knelt in the stillness of familiar sanctuary, trying to come to terms with the all it would mean and praying for the strength to take that last step. It was a decision she had struggled with in the darkness of their room while her closest friends slept soundly around her. It was a decision she had taken seriously, she'd made certain she'd covered every angle. Every angle except this one, she hadn't anticipated that her love for Blair would ever be returned. It had never occurred to her that she would have to make the choice between the career she so desperately needed and the only woman she would ever love. Not until it was too late.

Since the moment she had arrived at Eastland she had known she needed to make a difference in the world. By 17 she had decided that being a cop was the only way she, Jo Polniaczek, could do that. She had thrown herself into her studies and maintained her 'A' student status while ensuring that she did everything in her power to keep fit. Her love of sports may have made it seem like she was simply making the most of the opportunities afforded to her in the prestigious setting of Eastland and Langley but truthfully it had all been part of her plans. She knew the Academy would never allow her through the door unless she was in top physical condition. When she'd sent away for the information pack earlier in the school year she'd assumed that Blair would never be more than a close friend. Blair had done an incredible job of convincing the world she was straight, besides in Jo's mind even if the debutante had been a lesbian she was still completely unattainable and way out of her league. She'd never thought for one moment that her dream of dating the debutante could ever come true. She'd imagined it, of course she had. Every time Blair dated a new guy she had imagined what it would be like to date her best friend. To hold her in her arms or kiss her soft lips. But it had been a fantasy, nothing more and so she had tried her best to move on from what she assumed were unrequited feelings. Her need to become a cop, to take on the badge and make the streets a safer place for kids just like her had been something that held her back from admitting her true feelings for Blair anyway, there was no way the blonde would date a cop even if there was a proverbial snowball's chance that her feelings might be returned.

The reality was the Warner heiress would never be happy dating a cop. At least that's the only thing that made sense to Jo. When they'd started dating she'd been too afraid to bring it up, she hadn't wanted to choose between her vocation and the woman she loved. Now it looked as if the choice was about to be made for her.

'I'm sorry…'

'You're sorry?! Sorry doesn't cut it this time Joey, this isn't about getting oil on my new bath robe or spilling coffee over my history notes… this is…'

'A Major League screw up… I know… I was gonna tell you. I swear I was…'

'Why didn't you?'

The hurt was plain in every word. Blair's cheeks were flushed with her anger. Her disappointment, her need to understand were clear in her eyes. Yet they were both suddenly calmer, the anger replaced with something more intensely raw and emotional, indescribable but connecting. It wasn't much but it gave Jo hope that perhaps it wasn't too late. The blonde beauty held Jo's gaze. She wasn't about to let her Bronx native run off this time. This time she needed to know the truth.

'I didn't know how ta tell ya. I wanted ta, Mrs G told me I should…'

Jo instantly regretted mentioning Mrs Garrett. The situation was bad enough without bringing anyone else into the fray.

'Mrs Garrett knew…' Blair's voice held an element of surprise, of accusation.

This time Jo was quicker off the mark, this wasn't Mrs Garrett's fault and Blair was hurt enough without letting her think that their mentor had been in on the conspiracy.

'I made her promise not ta say anythin…she's been tryin ta get me ta tell ya for weeks now… said if I didn't tell ya soon she would… I told her I was gonna tell ya myself after the try outs…'

'You trusted her with this but not me…'

'No, it ain't like that Blair… I needed ta tell Mrs G, she's one of my references for the application…'

'You should have told me…'

Each time Blair said it Jo felt worse. She truly was sorry for keeping quiet, she'd been selfish, too afraid to face the reality for their situation in case she lost everything in the process. She regretted that now.

'I know…'

Jo was getting emotional, she could feel her eyes burning with barely contained tears. It was always the same when she fought with Blair. Her throat was aching, a lump forming as she tried to swallow back her emotions. The anger she had felt only moments earlier had been replaced with a tangible sense of fear. Her fear made her stumble over her thoughts, over her words.

'I never meant for ya ta find out this way Princess, I was gonna tell ya when we got home from the try outs… but your mom… she was… well the timing wasn't on my side and she'd made ya so mad… I just… I mean… Jeez I'm sorry… I really am….'

Jo could feel herself starting to lose it again, she hated that despite her tough nature she could still blub like a baby in front of Blair. She hated showing such vulnerability, even though she knew it was because she loved this woman so much. It made it hard to think, she wasn't sure how to fix this. She was doing a lame job of it so far, she'd never be able to make her debutante understand.

'Joey… my mother was here that night, but what about the next? You could have told me any time…'

'I know. I just, I ain't so good with words sometimes…'

'I've always found you to be perfectly wonderful with words… why was this so different?'

Jo blushed at the compliment even as she struggled to explain her reasons. Her emotions were all over the place, it was a relief to hear her girlfriend talking in calmer tones.

'I didn't mean ta hurt ya... tell me ya believe that…'

'I do Joey… I promise you that. I just don't know what's going on with you. I thought you trusted me.'

'I do. I trust ya with everythin I am…'

'But not this…'

'It ain't like that… I hadda be sure…'

Her tears were flowing freely now, there was no stopping them and Jo hated that she'd lost that battle. She must look a real mess right now. She had never been so emotional before she met Blair, never. Back home it just didn't pay to show your emotions, not to anyone. It was weakness, it was vulnerability. Nobody could afford that in her neighbourhood. It was why Gloria had died. Emotion got you killed. She guessed this must be the metaphorical death of her relationship with Blair before the real death happened. The best thing that had ever happened to her and she'd screwed it up completely. She was snapped back into focus when she felt Blair's hand cupping her cheek, a soft, manicured thumb brushing the tears from her eyes with a tenderness that made her melt into the touch.

'I can't lose ya Blair… I just can't…' her voice felt distant, hoarse.

'Be honest with me and you won't…'

'Really? Ya mean it?'

'All I've ever asked of you is that you're honest…'

Where to start? How could she make Blair understand this burning need within her? She couldn't even explain it to herself – all she knew was she felt compelled to do this. Her need to be a cop was all consuming. It was the only way she could sleep at night, with everything that had happened in her life. It was the only way to prove she was worth something.

'I gotta do this… I ain't never wanted somethin so bad… except you…'

Blair was taken aback, she could tell. This was real, this was it. If she couldn't make the Warner heiress understand now she'd never understand it. They moved to sit on Blair's bed, side by side and facing one another. Blair could feel Jo's hands trembling as she took them in her own.

'I love you Blair… I need ya ta know that I love ya…'

'I know it Joey… I love you too…'

'I gotta do this… for Gloria… I gotta prove ta her I was worth saving… that I was worth dying for…'