Sorry, loves! I was not ignoring this back story. I might have gotten distracted with Second Chances and Reaching for the Stars, but I still had the oomph to write for this, too!

Some of you may not have noticed, but I have changed a few things about this story. It's no longer a romance story, and Adelaide and Spock will not be together as a couple in this. If that turns you away, I guess I can understand, though I won't lie - I hope it doesn't. I would be quite sad if that was the only reason people are interested in this story.

Anywho, I rather like this chapter. We'll get to specifics on what happened in Addy's past in the next chapter.

Kisses!

MD

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek or any part of the franchise. I gain nothing from writing this other than creative satisfaction.

"Bones, what the fuck!?" Addy hissed. The stronger man said nothing, just glared at her venomously over his shoulder before he gave another hard yank, making her stumble along. She tried to twist out of his iron grip, but when it only made him clench down harder on her hand, she stopped. She had a sick feeling in her stomach. What the fuck was up his ass?

It had been the start of another endless shift, the cobwebs of Addy's latest nightmares still clinging to her mind. She'd found herself unusually despondent that morning. Like it was only another dream of hers where nothing she did really mattered or had any kind of consequence. Her crew had shared some looks. Then Bones had stormed in with all the contained rage of a southern hurricane and zeroed in on Addy.

He'd barked at Spock that he had the conn and forcibly pulled her towards the exit, mumbling something about doctor patient confidentiality and not bothering to listen to Spock's remarks on the break of protocol. Addy, of course, was outraged at her best friend's befuddling behavior. She presumes they were going back to the medbay (she couldn't remember another appointment she'd "missed" but knowing her, that didn't mean anything – is that what this was about?), but he'd quickly changed directions. It took her a moment to get her bearings before she realized he was taking her to the deck where their living quarters were located. That's when she knew that whatever it was that ruffled Bones' feathers was bad.

Addy sulked all the way there and through his where, where Bones promptly dumped her on the floor in a rather undignified heap. She glared up at him, rubbing the sores spots on her knee she'd landed on. Bones looked pissed. Beyond pissed. He looked like he was ready to throttle her.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing pulling me off the bridge like that in the middle of my shift!?" she demanded. He said nothing, which was really starting to freak her out. Bones was by no means the talkative type, but neither was he silent. He said what needed to be said and that was that, but he was never just quiet like this, angry beyond the capability of even speaking. It was frightening her, and fear was something Addy hid behind a mask of anger or arrogance, but she knew Bones knew her better. He could see it.

"Bones?" she asked tentatively when he just stood there, glaring down at her. "What's wrong?" He snorted harshly and strode past her, replicating himself a glass of scotch, which he quickly downed in one gulp. Cautiously, Addy stood on her feet and waited. Whatever the reason for his suddenly mute tendencies, he'd pulled her off the bridge at the start of her shift for a reason. She could wait until he was ready to speak, no matter how twitchy it made her, or how much she longed to leave. Her patience paid off when he slammed the glass down on his desk loudly, and sighed, mumbling something. She frowned, uncertain.

"What? I didn't hear you." Apparently, she realized, that was the wrong thing to say when Bones whirled on her, his eyes pinning her where she stood and looking like he was ready to scream.

"Exactly how long were ya plannin' to keep from me that our "target criminal" we're apprehendin' is Kodos the fuckin' executioner!?" Addy shrinked away from the furious southern man, flinching at his raised voice. Bones had never yelled at her like this. Yeah, he'd yelled, but not like this. It had always been because she'd worried him or he'd discovered some other food allergy she forgot to mention, and she'd almost died. Again. It was never out of rage like this. It was always fun and playful between them. She looked down at her shoes.

"This is exactly why I didn't tell you… I knew you'd–"

"Yer damn right I would!" he screamed. "After what he…" Bones stopped, heaving great, gulping breaths and cursed, getting another drink. Adelaide stood there, her shoulders aching with how tense she was clenched her muscles. She wanted to run, this was not a safe space for her right now, but she knew that would make things even worse for her with Bones. He had a right to be angry with her, keeping this kind of information from him, but she'd done it for good reasons. She counted pieces of dust on the floor while her medical friend calmed himself down.

"Adelaide," he growled, "look at me." She refused, keeping her head stubbornly pointed down at the floor. Not when he was like this. She wouldn't look at him when he was like this.

"God damn it kid, can ya look at me?" She huffed. Why did she have to have this conversation right now? Or ever, for that matter. She slowly trailed her eyes up the floor until she found his feet, and followed the path up until she was looking at his forehead. He looked close to tears, he was so angry.

"Why would ya take this mission?" She rolled her eyes at him.

"You think I wanted this mission?" she asked, exasperated. "I would have gladly let some other Captain take this over! It's not like I say no to a fucking admiral when they tell me to go do something, Bones!"

"Ya haven' let that stop ya in the past," he accused. She glared hard at him.

"My Captaincy is tenuous at best, you know that. I only got the Enterprise because my half-cooked, suicidal plans brought Pike back. I can't afford to say no to them, Bones. Not until they believe I can handle this."

"Great. So this is a crusade, is it? Ya tryna prove yerself to the people upstairs? I mean, did ya even stop to consider what this could do to ya?" Addy gaped at her friend. Bones and her fought regularly about her nasty habit of not taking care of herself to his standards, but this was different. Did he even realize what he was saying? Of course she knew what this could do to her. She knew better than he damn well did because even when he'd cornered her and forced her to tell him the story of what happened on Tarsus all those years ago, she hadn't told him everything. There were just some things she would never tell another living soul. But, like she'd said, this hadn't been her choice.

"Hey, back off. I'm fine, alright? I can do this." Bones sighed wearily, shaking his head.

"No, yer not fine, and ya can' do this, Darlin'. Ya look like ya haven' slept in a week, and yer prob'ly no eatin' much, either." Addy bristled, feeling like she'd just been punched in the gut. Had he really just said what she thought she heard? He hadn't really said that… had he?

"Mind your own fucking business," she snapped.

"As this ship's CMO, and yer friend, yer well-bein' is my business. And if I think for one moment that this is gettin' to be too much for ya, Addy, I will tell Spock everythin' and pull ya outta that chair so fast yer head'll spin." Her stomach clenched painfully and her blood turned cold. She narrowed her eyes thinly and her voice dropped, soft and dangerous.

"You wouldn't." Bones' eyes hardened at the cold detachment.

"Yes, Adelaide, I will." Addy blinked hard at him for a few minutes. She couldn't believe she was hearing this. She thought, of all people, Bones would have understood why she'd accepted this so easily. This wasn't about the morons comfy in their seats above her accepting her skills as a leader. This was all about her. She needed to do this, so she could prove to herself that she wasn't 13 and helpless anymore. She needed to see for herself that she had the strength to face anything that came her way. If she could go up against Kodos and come out on top, she knew nothing would ever beat her, because nothing could ever possibly be worse than him.

"If you remove me from that chair on the pretenses of me being emotionally compromised, Leonard," she muttered darkly, making him jump in shock when she used his name, "I will never forgive you."

He was quiet for a moment, recovering from the surprise, and then standing resolute in his decision. Addy hadn't once called him by his first name in the whole 3 ½ years she'd known him. She could tell the distance she was putting up between them by not calling him Bones hurt, but she didn't care. He'd started this when he threatened her position as Captain.

"If it keeps ya safe and alive," he answered just as softly. Without another word, Addy turned around and left his quarters. She couldn't even look at him right now she was so mad. And with every step she took, her anger grew until she was bunching her hands so much, her nails were digging into her palms and leaving marks. She looked down at them, seeing the bright red marks glaring angrily up at her.

Rage she hadn't felt in a long time exploded within her, and she made a run for her room. Thankfully it was just up the hallway from Bones, so the chance of anyone seeing her was low. She was barely through the door before she told the computer to lock the door. She was breathing hard, but not only from her sprint. Her skin felt hot, too hot, like it was burning right off her bone. Her hands ached and itched and all she wanted to do was beat the shit out of someone. She felt such hate, such absolute, all-consuming hate. Hate for Bones. Hate for her stepfather. Hate for Tarsus. Hate for Kodos. Hate for her life and constant run of bad luck. Hate for herself for being so weak. Hate for the Enterprise for making her feel so confined. She hated it all. She hated everyone.

Screaming she ran to the walls and tore off the pictures and painting, flinging them across the room, shattering the glass in their frames. She ripped the sheets from her bed, and smashed her pillow so hard it burst and feathers flew everywhere. She threw everything around her room, turning tables on their sides, breaking whatever she could get her hands on until her room reflected how she felt inside. She wanted things to hurt, things to bleed, because why did she have to when others didn't? No one would be able to understand the kind of pain she went through.

When there was nothing left to break, nothing left to shred, she finally settled down, her arms shaking from the sudden loss of adrenaline, and she collapsed on to her lopsided mattress. She looked around the room, dismayed at what she'd done, and cried. She didn't sob or weep loudly. What was the point? There was no one here to listen. She was completely silent as the tears dripped down her face and fell to the floor. Hanging her head, she felt so alone and helpless.

She hadn't felt anger like that since she'd gone through therapy all those years ago. Addy had been a different person, then. More animal than human. Who could blame her? After the things that happened to her, how could she have been expected to just slip back into the everyday? She'd built herself up in that colony based on the need to survive, and when it was over and Starfleet had come too little too late, she'd taken the fight away with her. Tarsus wasn't just something anything "left behind." It stuck with you like an open wound, festering, then calming, but never really healing. The only people that could even come close to knowing what she was going through were the kids she'd helped keep alive. But they were gone now, and it was only her sitting in her room, and it was her that had to put the pieces back together.

Addy took a few deep breaths, shoving the boiling rage down, choking the life out of it until her limbs stopped shaking and she could simply be again. She had no idea how long she sat crying there, but it must have been longer than she thought, because when she asked the computer what time it was, the alpha shift only had three hours left. She contemplated going back to the bridge. Really, she should, it was her job after all, but the thought of sitting in that chair, watching the empty black race by them made her stomach turn in unpleasant ways. And she felt the start of a nasty headache, anyway, so she decided to play hookie just this once. Spock would call if they really needed her for anything.

Her feet felt heavy as she shakily stood up from her bed, deciding that a shower was in order. Snot and tears were staining her face, and then the rest of her body was wet with perspiration that was already drying itchy and uncomfortable on her skin. Why was everything so hard for her lately? First she was told Kodos was still alive, and before she could even blink around that, she was told to go get him and bring him back to Earth for his trial. Reeling, she'd been doing her best to stay composed as the Enterprise hurled through space at warp towards Planet Q, but her crew still noticed that something was off. She couldn't have that; she needed their unwavering faith when she made judgment calls. Then Bones found out why they were really doing this and all but took the ship away from her. That was the whole reason she hadn't told him to begin with. Addy was scared he wouldn't believe in her when she needed him most. Scared he would tell her she wasn't strong enough to do this, because truthfully, she didn't know if she was, but the hope that Bones would be there kept her going through the motions.

So what would keep her going, now?

Sighing brokenly, she stepped carefully over glass and cloth until she entered the bathroom. She'd clean her room up after her shower. When she was in the bathroom, she slowly, carefully peeled her clothes off her body. She had the lights on low at thirty percent, and looked at herself in the mirror as her dress uniform crumpled to the floor. Small white scars of all shapes and sizes riddled her arms, legs, and body. Thankfully, they'd stayed away from her face and neck, but that was about it. Normally she was proud of the marks that marred her pale skin with the demons of her past. It told everyone she was a survivor. She knew what it really took to survive by any means. She'd been tested to see how far she was willing to go, and she'd lived. But right now, she hated every single one of them, ugly reminders that they were.

Disgusted, Addy turned away from her reflection, and stepped under the spray of instantly hot water. She let the scalding droplets wash over her, relaxed by the burning prickle on her skin. She quickly washed her long hair and scrubbed her body until she was raw, and then… she just stood there. She knew she should get out, because she had to clean her room, and her head still hurt, and she should probably eat, and she was wasting a lot of their water they needed to keep recycled, but she couldn't bring herself to turn the water off. She stood there, underneath the spray, memories flashing behind her eyes, reliving Tarsus, reliving the fight she'd just had with Bones.

For the third time that day, she cried.

Addy stepped out of the shower, not bothering with clothes, and looked around her room hopelessly. How on earth was she going to get this all cleaned up? She sighed, tying her damp hair back in a loose bun, and shook her head. She could never let go like that again. She didn't care if Kodos was a day away from her, losing her anger like that was unacceptable.

'At least I kept it inside my quarters,' she thought grimly, starting with her bed. She righted her mattress and gathered her sheets and pillows, frowning at the feathers that spilled from one. Great. That had been her favorite pillow, too. She threw everything in a pile on her bed to be washed and walked over to the wall by the bathroom. Pressing lightly on one of the panels, a small closet opened up, and she activated one of the vacuuming robots, letting it suck up all the shards of glass. She put the tables back on their legs, and carefully stacked her paintings and pictures. Most of her crew kept holos in lieu of the real thing, but Addy had always been a tactile person, and she liked to be able to feel the paint that an artist carefully stroked to life on a canvas in a time somewhere behind her.

When her floor was more or less clean, and she had her decorations back on their mounts, she threw her sheets and one good pillow down the laundry shoot and pulled more from inside the closet, finally shutting the door. She pulled the crisp white sheets tight over her bed before falling back against it with a loud huff. She looked out the window at the inky black of space dimly for a moment before putting an arm over her eyes and pulling a blanket over her bare chest.

"Computer, time."

"Current Terran time – Starfleet Headquarters: 1703." So alpha shift was just getting over. Lovely. Spock was going to have questions. They were all going to have questions. Addy took one last shuddering breath before she ordered her room into darkness and turned away from the window, falling instantly into a deep, dreamless sleep.

As always, my beautiful baby birds, please leave me a review. I'm having a bit more trouble with this one because I'm trying to find the balance between something as horrific as I feel this should be, and not so horrific that it would be improbable for Addy to have recovered from it.

SO! Reviews! Reviews will help me!

Peace.