Hello, lovelies!

I'm going to start off by saying that this chapter is slightly more graphic than the last, and my trigger warning still stands. Writing this was really hard to do, and I had to keep putting it off and coming back to it in bits, which is what the delay is for, but I'm really pleased with how it turned out.

Leave me some love and let me know what you think!

Kisses,

MD

Disclaimer: I do not Star Trek or any part of the franchise. I gain nothing from writing this other than creative satisfaction.

Addy woke with his soft, gentle fingers brushing the skin on her face. Cold hatred settled deep in her bones, and she couldn't help but think that this little token show of ownership that Kodos felt within his power to exert over her was more violating than the daysweeksyears of rape and abuse she'd already endured. She was owned by no man, woman, alien, or any in between, and despite the pleasures he had already taken from her without her permission and expressly against her voiced wishes (no, God, please just stop, kill me please, please, please, anything else, please), Kodos was certainly no exception to this. She hated him for the kindness he showed her. Like an owner taking care of an injured pet.

She swallowed thickly against the bile in her throat.

"You know," Kodos mused, relaxing over her against the headboard of his king sized bed in his grand en suite, "no matter what we do to you, that fire never leaves your eyes, Adelaide. That rebellious burn is always at the back. I admire you for that."

She said nothing, simply lying there, too weak to shove him away from her, too weak to even give herself over to the wracking sobs that would surely shred her tenuous control over her sanity. Addy blinked her dim blue eyes slowly, thinking over her children locked in the cell, afraid and wondering where she was, and she ached for them and the comfort she knew she would be able to leech from their warm, precious hands.

"Be reasonable, darling, you and I could accomplish so many great things on this pitiful planet." Addy couldn't help the uncomfortable shift as his voice dipped from pleasant to husky and possessive. The fingers on her face were less gentle and more insistent, though insisting on what, she refused to contemplate. He sighed at her obstinate silence, stilling his hand over the back of her head.

In a flash, Kodos had fisted her blonde curls until Addy whimpered against the pain, and he wrenched her passive body up so she was sitting across his lap. His breath ghosted over her face, smelling strongly of orange, and Addy knew she would never be able to enjoy anything citrus again without thinking of this monster in front of her. His eyes were no longer loving as they had been when she'd passed out, choking on a sob that had gotten stuck in her throat. They were cold and hard, and she knew she'd pushed one too many buttons. Dread pooled in her stomach, even as the familiar coldness slipped throughout her whole body, numbing her to the blinding panic and rage she felt rising within the back of her mind as it was hushed with a thick blanket of pleasant white nothing.

His punishment was always worse than the torture.

"Do you think you can simply ignore me, you stupid cunt?! Do you have any idea what I'm giving you? After all you've taken from me, I'm giving you a second chance, forgiveness, out of the goodness of my heart. And instead of stopping there, I'm offering you a place at my side within my new empire, you ungrateful bitch!" Addy tensed as the hand came at her face, but she was too hungry to try and dodge it anyway. She bit back the cry of pain, refusing to give him any kind of satisfaction, even as she felt the blood trickling down her nose and dripping off her chin.

Addy took a deep breath before looking back into Kodos' eyes, and they were still cold and angry, but the sight of her blood had sparked his hunger, and she knew what came next. Going completely limp in his hands, she floated away to the fields of Riverside and hot summers listening to cicadas from her favorite climbing tree while Kodos shifted her back on the bed and loomed over her. She barely registered it when he leaned down and licked the blood off her face, an obscene moan making her fantasies darken with hatred.

"Stop fighting me, Adelaide, it will hurt more the longer you fight. I own you, you're mine, and the sooner you accept this, the easier it will be to see how much you really enjoy being here, with me, in my bed." A muscle under her eye ticked as her stomach growled traitorously while Kodos readied himself for his favorite kind of torture.

Addy had stopped praying for death to come and take her away from this nightmare. She didn't know what evil she'd done in a past life to deserve such punishment, but if she hadn't died after the endless drugs and torture and Kodos, it was obvious she was supposed to atone for something before she could finally find peace.

Blue eyes blinked up at the ceiling while Kodos took a small knife carved his initials into her right hip, losing himself when she started bleeding below him. She didn't even feel disgusted anymore as her blood and other unmentionable fluids spilled over her thighs.

She was too dead to feel anything.

Addy stepped cautiously out of the lift, her cerulean eyes flitting from one person to the next and back before anyone noticed her and made a hasty announcement that she was on the bridge. Before the ensign had even finished, Bones was in front of her, and what the fuck was Bones doing here? She tensed, expecting this to be it, that he had told Spock, and everyone was so flustered with the knowledged that she knew this atrocity in the most horribly intimate ways. But he didn't looked steeled against her anger, he looked… panicked? Concerned, definitely, but the panic was nearly drowning it out.

"Sweetheart," he muttered, grabbing her upper arm tight enough to make her wince, "I'm sorry, I love you, and no matter what I'm here for you. No matter how far you try and push me away, and no matter how stupid I get with acting before I think, I will never turn away from you and I'm… I'm just so sorry." Her own panic was rising and she carefully extricated herself from his grasp.

"Bones, what are you talking about?" His hazel eyes looked down at her, and for a moment, she thought that he might start crying, but he looked away and shook his head, walking over towards Sulu and Chekov. Worried, she wanted to follow him and demand what the fuck exactly that had been about, but she had a duty to perform and she needed to check in before she went running after her best friend.

Hastily, she jogged over to her chair and sat down, reading over the reports from the previous shifts without really taking in the information, too focused on cornering her southern friend until Kodos' name stood out on her screen, making her eyes come to a halt. Carefully, she went back to the top of the paragraph and re-read what it said and almost threw up all over her shoes. She had to read it three more times before her brain acknowledged anything other than her fight or flight response and she sat back in her chair, suddenly realizing why her bridge was in such an uproar.

"Commander Spock," she called out weakly, sure he hadn't hear her over the raucous noise, but he turned around and walked over to her smoothly, his brown eyes scanning over her face before he answered.

"Yes, Captain?" His deep baritone gave her some kind of warmth in her hands again, and she took that strength and latched on to it with all she had, taking a gulping breath and sitting up straighter, forcing her voice to sound more authoritative and less frightened.

"Why wasn't I notified the moment Kodos made contact with the ship?"

"It occurred merely ten minutes before the start of your shift, and I calculated an 87.569% chance from previous observations of your morning rituals that your human need for emotional comfort would lead to you being in the shower at the time, likely using water rather than sonic settings, and I felt it illogical to disturb you when you would be arriving shortly for the start of your shift and would read of his contact in my report." Damn him and his logic. She wanted to be upset with him, she really did, but she nodded and waved him away, looking down at the paragraph with disdain. Spock, however, did not leave. She blinked up at him, waiting, but he seemed to be thinking his words over first.

"Lieutenant Uhura recorded his transactions with her, if you feel inclined to review it, Captain." No, no, she really fucking didn't feel inclined, but she knew she didn't have a choice. She had to know why he had reached out and how he had found about her fucking ship in the first place, which meant there was only one place to start.

"Thank you, Commander." He inclined his head, dropping his hands so they hung loosely by his sides. The position was odd for him, too… relaxed, too human, but it seemed just as natural and comfortable a position for him as clasping them neatly behind his back. "Instruct Uhura to transfer it to my ready room, please, and meet me there in five minutes. Best to get this over with sooner than later, I suppose." With a nod, he left, and Addy's eyes swept over the bridge, landing on Bones' soft hazel. Her mouth twitched into something between a grimace and a smile and she shrugged, but he wasn't fooled.

Addy and Spock walked out of the bridge, leaving Sulu in command, and the blonde woman pointedly ignored the linguist trying to catch her eyes on her way out. She didn't want to see what Kodos had revealed, didn't want to see what Uhura knew about her now, didn't think she could handle the pity. Spock walked calmly next to her, and she hated that he had to be there for this, but she couldn't do this on her own, and Bones being there would raise eyebrows. Still, there was a part of her that let out a sigh of relief and accepted with grace that her secret would be out soon, and if anyone had to bear the weight of the horrors carved into her soul on that planet, she would have wanted it to be Spock. There wasn't anyone else that could realize the tragedy, analyze it, accept it, and log it away in his computer brain and still look at her the same while lending her his strength in that way of his that no one else seemed to understand.

Not to say that she wanted him there, because fuck no, she did not, thank you, but she was just saying… since she had no choice in the matter, she was glad she had the option of asking Spock to be her buffer against the rawness of the wounds that hadn't healed right.

Addy keyed in her personal passcode on one of the PADDs there, bringing up the message marked as confidential for her on the screen. She hesitated only a moment before Kodos' voice played through the speakers, filling the room with his oil and putrid breath and oh Gods, why won't I just die -

"I'm looking for Adelaide Kirk, please." Addy tightened her fingers around the PADD at how smug he sounded. Aged, definitely, but the same, full of his own self-importance, and like he'd just caught her in a trap in a game of chess.

"This is Lieutenant Uhura, head of communications of the USS Enterprise. How did you establish a link with the ship? Who are you?" Kodos laughed, rich and full, and exactly how he sounded when he was buried inside her as deep as he could go, and Adelaide had tried to claw at him to try and force the poison from her body. Weakly, she sat down in a chair, the PADD dropping to the floor, surprising Spock, though his blinking eyes was the only outward sign of it.

"Oh, I go way back with your lovely Captain, Ms. Uhura, head of communications of the USS Enterprise," Addy recognized how he was mocking her, and by the sharp inhale from the speakers, Uhura had caught it too, "now if you could just transfer my call so I can speak directly to her, I would be most appreciative."

"Sir, how have you established a link with this starship? We have secure lines that are unbreakable to any - "

"Ah, no, obviously you don't. Now let me talk to Adelaide." Addy hear the beginning of his anger, and instinctively tensed, preparing for the blows that she'd been trained would soon follow, but Spock shifted next to her, bending down and picking up the PADD and reminding her of where she was and her relative safety.

"I'm so sorry, sir, but as you have yet to identify yourself and have broken several Federation laws by - "

"Kodos." There was a pregnant pause, and Addy could imagine the way Uhura's face had frozen, the glazed eyes and the disgust and outrage and fear at her station next to Spock, could see his brown eyes trying and failing to conceal his curiosity and concern as she came to stop, only hearing half the conversation.

"I'm sorry?" Addy was dimly amused that Uhura, so talented with languages, was struck speechless. There was a light chortle from the man, and Addy thought she might scream.

"Kodos. My name is Kodos. But you already knew that, or else Starfleet would not have sent you after me. Now, I really must insist that I speak with Adelaide." Uhura barked out a mirthless laugh, making Addy raise an eyebrow at one of the walls while she listened.

"I'm going to have to respectfully decline on the grounds of you being a raging psychopath and a wanted criminal for acts of murder and treason."

"...I see. Lieutenant Uhura, was it?" Addy's stomach dropped at the detached tones.

"Uh…" She could hear the regret in Uhura's hesitation, could hear the woman cursing herself, "yeah." There was only a slight pause, not really noticeable, but Addy knew Kodos, and she knew what to look for.

"Well… this has certainly been enlightening. Thank you, and I hope you have a lovely day." There was a small gasp from her comms officer before the transmission ended and a beep sounded, signalling that it was over. Addy didn't bother asking if they'd had a trace, because if Kodos was that good with computers, there was no way he'd forget to cover up something like that, and Spock would have already made a mention of it in his report.

Speaking of…

Addy shifted her eyes from the plain gray wall to Spock's brown eyes and winced. He had that look, that special look where you could just see he was taking the world apart in his mind, finding every single detail and fixing it back up into a picture that made sense to him. It left her feeling exposed and bare to him, and she pulled her legs up, hiding half her face behind her knees, and the other half behind her bangs. Spock turned his chair to face her fully, focusing all his attention on her, and she couldn't stop the blush that crawled up her face.

"You know him," he observed, and for once, it was impossible for Addy to really guess what he was feeling. She peeked up at him and saw something burning in his brown eyes, but looked away before she could even guess. Her heart thumped painfully in her chest, and the weak bond crooned submissively, seeking forgiveness for her deceptions, but she shoved it away. There was no point in trying to lie to him anymore or avoid the topic until the mission was over. It was out.

She was exposed.

Limply, Addy nodded, and felt a burning in her eyes that she knew meant tears were building fast.

"You are emotionally compromised by the mission at hand," he observed again, and this time she flinched, unable to hide from the truth of his words. Spock would have dissected her behavior for the last three days, all of the hitched breaths, the shaky palms, the hesitation, the stiffness between her and Bones, her uncharacteristic caution, and he would have been able to guess just how messed up she still was. He wouldn't know the real scope of course, not unless she really opened herself up to him, but she couldn't… she didn't… she didn't know if she remembered how to be the close with people anymore. Bones had been a freak exception, and look how often she ran away from him and snapped at him when all he wanted her to do was eat.

Still, she couldn't bring herself to nod.

"You are one of the Nine?" This was definitely a question this time. Addy played with her black nylon tights, pulling it away from her leg in a tent and letting it snap back into place, seeing all the scars hiding under the gritty material. She shrugged. Out of the corner of her eyes, she saw Spock tighten his hands into fists.

"Captain, please make eye contact with me, the severity of this conversation demands you handle yourself with decorum and professionalism, and avoiding looking into my eyes and shielding yourself with your own body from me are not the proper actions to align yourself with that of a Starfleet Captain. I am not going to attack you." Addy blinked at that last statement, thrown out there almost petulantly, and she looked up at him. His face was tense with distress and anger, and she could tell some of it was directed at her for her dishonesty, but most of it was boiling beneath the surface for someone else. With a great effort she set her feet back on the floor and straightened her back in her seat, maintaining eye contact with him as long as she could before she dropped her eyes to his shoulder or chin and steeled herself to look back up into his piercing gaze.

"Why did you not bring this to my attention?" How could she explain this to him so that he would understand? That she had needed to face Kodos more than she needed the air in her lungs, to prove to herself that she was okay, that she was healed to a place she could build on, that maybe she would never be right again, but she was at least capable of defeating her own demons.

"Because…" she whispered, knowing he would hear her anyway, "I just… I couldn't let you take this mission away from me, Spock. You will never be able to understand what it was like, and I'll never be able to make you understand. There aren't words for what happened. And I knew that you would take the ship from me without even letting me see if I'd grown up at all." He blinked and cocked his head ever so slightly to the side. Addy tried not to dwell on how adorable it made him look.

"I find it unlikely you would not believe your body had grown since your last encounter with Kodos seeing as it was many years ago, and you would have been 13 years old, and the human growth rate suggests that - "

"Spock, that's not what I meant," she interrupted, waving him away, frustrated. He didn't get it. She felt a desperation clawing its way up from her gut and through her throat; she needed him to understand her feelings and just exactly how powerless she had felt and how she could never feel that way again, no matter the person, not even with Kodos. "I meant emotionally. I needed to see if I had grown emotionally. Matured. If… If I was stronger. If I could handle Kodos. If I was better than before. I needed to beat this, Spock. I need to do this. I have to… I have to win against my past, or I won't ever be able to let it go, and after this mission, it would consume me."

Spock considered her words for a moment, searching her face for something before he looked down at the PADD on the table between them.

"You are speaking of closure," he said, though there were notes in his voice that made him sound slightly unsure about his conclusion. She nodded her head.

"In layman's terms, yes, but it would be so much more than that to me, Spock, and letting you take it from me will kill me." He frowned, his eyes snapping up to her face.

"Clarify," he demanded. Addy ignored how attractive that was. Instead she shook her head and shifted. Her hands were clammy with her nerves, and she felt like she might start crying or throwing chairs around the room at any moment and it was making her dizzy.

"I told you, I can't make you understand. I can't put it into words. I'm not good with this deep, emotional bullshit. You would have had to have been there to know what I'm talking about." There was this look on Spock's face, this fleeting shadow through his eyes that was dark and made her stomach flip with an unknown something before it was gone his face was inscrutable. He looked down at his hands, and his leg shifted a little bit, and Addy had to stop herself from dropping her jaw, because Spock was fidgeting and what the fuck?

"There… is a way you could show me what you mean," he said carefully. She narrowed her eyes at him, her brain speeding toward a conclusion she very much did not like, and when Spock looked up at her, the resolve in his eyes, she knew she's assumed right. She shot out of the chair, backing away from him.

"No, no way. No fucking way am I letting you see what happened to me!" she yelled. Spock rose slowly, keeping his hands at his sides and moving slowly, as if approaching a frightened animal. She kept one eye on his hands in case he tried to make a jump for her, but she knew that was stupid, Spock would never violate her mind like that. Still, she watched him, the wall at her back.

"It is logical, Captain. If I do not understand your reasoning, I will have no choice but to remove you from your post on the grounds of you being emotionally compromised." Addy stiffened at the evenness of his voice as he threatened her, and she cursed at him in Klingon, loudly and colorfully as she kicked the closest chair to her. Tears spilled over her cheeks unbidden and she felt the familiar warmth of her rage flooding through her system. Why, why did her friends have to keep threatening her and keep forcing her into corners? Didn't they realize those were the exact memories she was fighting against, and that she was trying to protect them from how terrible of a person she'd really become in the end? That she didn't want her taint to spread to the people she treasured the most?

Addy screamed in her fury as she grabbed a PADD and smashed it against the wall, so consumed with her passionate anger for her friend that she didn't notice him slip behind her until his arms wrapped around her, effectively pinning her arms at her sides.

"LET ME GO, YOU PIECE OF SHIT!" she screamed, kicking wildly as Spock lifted her easily off the floor, because it wasn't Spock that had grabbed her, it was Kodos, and he wasn't trying to stop her from hurting herself, he was trying to pin her to wall while he pounded into until everything below her hips was numb. Spock said nothing, not even when her foot connected with his shin, he simply dumped her in a chair and put his arms on either side, crowding into her face so that all she saw past the tears were his brown eyes, aching and hurting right along with her.

Addy stilled in her attempts to get away from him.

"Calm your mind, Adelaide," he murmured softly, and she took a moment to let his voice wash over her, her cheeks coloring with her shame. She dropped her gaze to his chest, sniffling as tears dripped off her chin while she tried to pretend she hadn't just flipped her shit in front of her First Officer. "I will not force you to do anything you do not wish, I was simply stating the logical options you may choose from."

All the energy seeped out from her body as he spoke, and when Spock was sure she was no longer violent, he straightened his posture and once again took the chair next to her, making sure it faced her fully. Addy wiped away her tears lamely. She was so tired of hiding all of this. So tired of hiding how much she hated herself and how much she hated Kodos for what he made her into. She was tired of having to always be the strong one, and wanted someone to know, someone to see what had really happened to her, to truly realize the extent of the damage Kodos had done, and make her believe that it hadn't been her fault, her own failures that had caused her abuse.

"Okay," she said hoarsely. Spock quirked an eyebrow, waiting for some form of an explanation. "I'll show you."

A beat.

"You are sure?"

"No, but it needs to be done. I'm so tired of all this, Spock, I just… please?"

A beat.

"Of course, Captain. If you think it best."

Addy slipped her eyes closed as his fingers ghosted over her psi points, making them tingle, before settling on them more firmly. Not demanding or intrusive, just a supportive pressure to let her know that he was there to face her nightmares with her, they were in this together. She felt new tears slip out of her eyes as his voice sounded almost awed and reverent when he spoke.

"My mind to your mind, my thoughts to your thoughts…"

So tell me, did I do okay for Spock? I'm really worried that I made him too OOC and I'm going to get attacked, but I just love how this chapter turned out, so I decided to go with my gut and post it anyway.

Let me know how I did and how I could improve if I missed the mark with Spock, yeah? I would appreciate it more than words could express!

Peace.