Mass Effect Series

Bloopers

"I'm alive, Lieutenant."

"That doesn't change the fact that you're in here because of me."

"If you hadn't used a kick to catch and slow me down, I'd have more in common with red jell-o than a human being." Alenko's stoic expression cracked. He laughed and walked up to the medical bed. Dr. Chakwas started laughing and shaking her head. Taking Shepard's face in his hands he firmly planted a kiss on her, then walked back to try the scene again.

"There are regs, Lieutenant. Are you trying to get us court-marshaled?"

"Court marshal the only two people who can save the galaxy. Great idea."

Shepard looks into the camera.

"Seriously, why even have regs? They sure don't seem to stop anything, do they?" Alenko is killing himself laughing in the background.

"They're more like guidelines than actual rules."

- Captain Barbossa ;p

v

In Conversation with Dr. Chakwas

"How'd you end up serving on an Alliance ship?"

"I enlisted right out of med school. Earth always seemed boring to me. Too safe. Too secure. I figured the colonies were teeming with exotic adventure. I wanted to travel the stars tending the wounds of tough soldiers with piercing eyes and sensitive souls. Turns out military life isn't quite as romantic as I had imagined. But humanity needs the Alliance if we want to keep expanding through the Traverse. And the Alliance always needs good doctors."

"Ever think you made the wrong choice?"

"Sometimes I think about opening a private practice back on earth…"

Shepard's mind took an abrupt turn away from the conversation. Looking directly into the camera with one eyebrow arched quizzically, she thinks,

Piercing eyes and sensitive souls, now that sounds familiar…why do I get the sneaking feeling Bioware just lampooned my choice of Romantic Interest with sniper-scopic precision? You know what, Kaidan, darlin'? That's just fine by me.

"…working on soldiers. If I left now, I'd feel like I was abandoning them."

v

Night Before Ilos

*Kaidan strips off shirt

Shepard: Seriously? It's like you're photoshopped.

Kaidan: Why, thank you. I am.

*Shepard facepalms.

v

EDI Online

"The HELL is that thing doing awake?"

"Relax, Commander. Meet EDI."

"EDI?"

"Yes, Commander. I have appropriated this body. All prior programming has been deleted and I have been installed as its operator."

"Not sure I like this. No matter how sound a system is there's always a back door. You have 24 hours, EDI. Make sure no one can use your back door to gain unauthorized access to the Normandy." James choked on a laugh. Shepard bit her lip, realizing the alternative interpretation of what she'd just said. Putting her hand over her mouth, she bit down on her laughter and shook her head to chase it away.

"Wow. Some things just cannot be unsaid." She allowed herself a restrained chuckle.

"No, Commander, they can't." James said. Dr. Chakwas was smiling and reservedly laughing.

"EDI, can you be certain you're secure?"

"I will report what I find after thoroughly testing this system."

"Good. Best of luck." Shepard walked out of the AI core mentally kicking herself. Smooth, Shepard.

"Open mouth, insert boot."

v

Q: Commander Shepard, what would you do if given the opportunity to confront Miranda Lawson about stepping out with your main squeeze, Kaidan Alenko?

A: Put a bullet through her eye.

Q: That's obviously the renegade in you talking. What would the paragon in you do?

A: Hesitate.

v

"Garrus! Think we have enough firepower to take out those towers from here?"

"We should!"

"Good! I don't want to get any closer!"

The three ducked behind the crates to cover and reload. Shepard looked down to her feet and saw a small tank of compressed gas. The label had the atomic symbol 'He' on it.

BING!

Shepard slung her rifle and picked up the tank dialing down the pressure so it wouldn't blow out her lungs and pushed the button to open the valve, inhaling deeply. Shepard un-holstered her rifle and brought it up to her shoulder ready to fire, having a plan in mind for getting closer. Suddenly a geth drone came barreling down the hillside right of the crates.

"Contact right!" Shepard shrieked. Kaidan 'bout jumped out of his skin when he heard the ridiculous sound. Shepard unloaded half a clip into the drone, taking it down. Kaidan started laughing.

"Shepard! What the fuck!?" She grinned and handed him the canister.

"Lighten up, Major. Laughter. It's some goooooood shit." Garrus scoffed and started laughing. One eyebrow up, Kaidan paused only a second. Why the hell not? Shepard put an eyeball up past the crates. Their enemy was staying pretty quiet. Kaidan handed the canister to Garrus.

"Take a hit, Garrus." said Kaidan. Shepard cracked up laughing. His voice was so high!

"Pure helium gas is poisonous to turians." Shepard started a new round of laughter, saying between bouts,

"Well, shit!...Sucks...s...s...s...to be you!" Kaidan started laughing harder and the sound only made her laughter worse. Garrus shook his head. Kaidan and Shepard went for another inhale.

"Yes it does, Shepard. Yes it does." Garrus replied solemnly. The galaxy was screwed.

An explosive round detonated on the other side of the crates. Shepard shot up, fired a rocket and set herself down as Kaidan let off a shot of his own, both taking cover before the next round from a tower hit. Just when she thought his voice couldn't get any higher…

"Fire in the hole!" Kaidan shouted. Shepard couldn't help the explosion of laughter she broke into. Boom! Boom! Two towers down, one to go.

"The hell does a voice like yours make that sound? I know you've got a pair, so that ain't it." Garrus couldn't keep a hold of himself anymore. He and Kaidan were splitting their sides laughing. Shepard took another shot of helium. Kaidan mockingly pulled a tough-guy crotch grab and sat down on his haunches, spitting like a cowboy and leaning back against the crates.

"Phew. Still there." Trying to give your voice a deeper timbre when it was jacked up on helium sounded hilarious. He was still trying to stop laughing when he said, "Even if they weren't, I think I know who's found them." He took another breath of helium. Shepard figured hers was going to run out just breathing. She took another hit. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, twelve new contacts began to pop up on their HUD. Shepard checked her rifle. She was out of heavy ammo and there wasn't much left in the rifle. The others were probably near the same. Kaidan and Garrus opened fire. The Mako was damaged enough to be out of commission. It couldn't get them away from the fight, never mind help them win it. Shepard called up to the Normandy.

"Joker, emergency evac! My position!"

"On they way, Commander! Commander, is there something wrong with your comlink?"

"Not a goddamn thing, Alliance Flight Officer Geoff Moreau! AH HAH HAH!" Shepard said as she stood up for a clear shot and fed the attacking geth a healthy helping of weaponized plasma. There was a handful left. Kaidan and Garrus had mowed most of them down. She readied her rocket launcher.

Shepard jumped up, waited a few seconds until the remaining targets had moved a little closer together and fired off. The targets went up into the air ahead of the smoke. Shepard grabbed the helium canister and filled her lungs. She stood up from cover.

"BOOM, bitch! How you like me now!?" she yells triumphantly raising the launcher over her head. Kaidan and Garrus are under cover killing themselves laughing. Shepard drops the empty launcher and starts stripping off the lower half of her armour. Both Kaidan and Garrus look on thinking, what the hell?!

The field is quiet as Shepard strips down to a loincloth reminiscent of those worn by ancient japanese samurai. She ran out into the field freshly empty of enemies, ass cheeks hangin' out.

"Wouldn't matter if I'd had a pair or not! YOU MISSED! YEAHAH!" Shepard hooted, dancing with her knees apart and shaking her hips toward the enemy base.

v

Alternative 1:

The rest of the squad dies of laughter - aneurisms from laughing too hard.

CRITICAL. MISSION. FAILURE.

DUNNNNNN...

v

Alternative 2:

Kaidan and Garrus drop their helmets into the dirt, laughing. Kaidan set himself up on his haunches behind the crate where Shepard had been taking cover. Garrus walked over and hiked himself up onto the crate to have a seat. Shepard's victory dance carried on in the background. Garrus takes a look back over his shoulder and laughs.

"Brother, she's all yours." Kaidan nods and takes in another lung-full of helium. Garrus wasn't sure if he should say what he was thinking…aw, to hell with it.

"The bedroom must really be worth it."

"After the bedroom, you'd think I'd be able to handle this." Kaidan let his head fall back onto the top of the crate with a thud. Garrus helped himself to a healthy dose of laughter. Kaidan's laughter mellowed as he came back down to earth, so to speak. Shepard walked up beside the two of them and grabbed her discarded greaves and rocket launcher. Joker came in over the comlink, struggling to keep his voice even.

"You do realize you left this channel open, Commander?"

"Oh. Shit!" said Shepard, putting a hand over her mouth to keep spittle from flying everywhere as she broke into laughter she couldn't control. They thought they were laughing hard before this. Kaidan and Shepard were red faced and breathless. Garrus couldn't stand himself up straight. He was laughing too hard. A couple minutes on, the rumble of the Normandy's engines was coming up from the south-east. Shepard cleared her throat and tried to sound like she was in charge.

"Let's go, gents. Normandy's close." Garrus nodded, laughing and giving Kaidan a solid slap on the shoulder as he stood.

"Buckle up, buttercup." Garrus said then started to walk after Shepard. Kaidan let a deep breath out, took one in, got himself up, gave his head a shake and followed the others.

"Strapped in tight."

"I figured you guys would have run for the hills after all that." Shepard said, genuinely surprised they hadn't pegged her for nuts and left. She would have.

"What are friends for, Shepard?" Garrus replied, putting an arm around her shoulders as they walked on. Shepard gave it some thought.

"Sticking with you…even when you've lost your mind, your pants…" Shepard paused with a concerned look on her face and turned around. "…and your pistol." Kaidan put an arm around her waist and handed Shepard her missing pistol.

"Exactly." Kaidan said, giving her a kiss on the cheek.

"Well said, Shepard. Well said."

v

(M)Shepard in Jeopardy – The Citadel

"Shepard. You look like you're having a bad day."

"It's starting to look up."

"Heh. The landing pad's over there, but it's behind locked gates."

"Let's find the control panel." Kaidan let his eyes be drawn to his clinging wet shirt and jeans that left nothing to imagination.

"Nice duds...control panel. Right."

"So...what happened? 'Cause Joker said you fell through a fish tank."

"That's right."

"Not sure I believe that." Shepard twitched as something started wriggling somewhere nothing should have been. Taking cover he shot a hand down the front of his jeans. Out came a closed fist. He opened his hand and a small panicking minnow flopped violently, arcing itself up into the air and down onto the ground. Shepard fixed Kaidan with an exasperated look. Kaidan laughed.

"Nope. Still don't believe it."

"'Cause I always keep a minnow down there for an occasion like this."

"You keep something down there, and I wouldn't call it a minnow."

v

Garrus wore a revulsed expression.

"You do realize some of us have to monitor this open channel?"

v

"Yup." replied Shepard. Kaidan chuckled.

"Sure did." Signaling Kaidan to move forward to new cover, Shepard put up a hand as he passed. Kaidan took him up on the five and high as he moved by. Both were laughing with considerable restraint. Then Wrex spoke up.

"Is it a fish big enough to eat?" Snickering sounded from all around the channel. Shepard answered.

"Wrex...NO."

v

After Dinner

"That was great."

"Yeah, it was. Is it over?"

"Well, what do you suggest?"

Honest answer: "What do you think I'm going to suggest? You've had me thinkin' it since you walked in the door."

v

The Last Time

*Shepard's dancing around getting intimate.

Kaidan: Alright, blondie. I didn't want to have to do this…but you leave me no choice. Here comes the smolder.

*Shepard melts.