Chapter II
Somewhere in the Palace, a clock struck midnight. Aramis yawned, slapping his face to stay awake. They had been in the nursery for some time already, and once the Dauphin had fallen asleep, it had not taken long for his governess to do the same. For the Musketeer, however, resting was out of the question. He wanted to spend every second he could watching his son. His image would be imprinted in his mind.
Standing up, he stretched his legs and arms. Then, he knelt next to the crib, careful not to disturb the infant. To be frank, Aramis had always thought that babies were quite boring. This was before he met his own. Every little noise, every little movement was a delight. A frown, a small hand clutching the blanket, lips smacking faintly. Everything was important to him now. He put the blanket back in place to keep Louis warm, and his finger lingered on the soft skin of his face. It was scary how someone so important for the country, someone destined to such greatness was just so fragile compared to the rest of the world. His father's hand was as big as his head. One careless action could harm him.
"So tiny...so beautiful...my beautiful son..." On second thoughts, it was perhaps better that Porthos did not know about this child. He could only make fun of Aramis's attitude towards him. You could have never imagined that cocky and seductive Aramis would turn into such an enthusiastic father.
Marguerite moved in the armchair behind him. As slowly as he could, Aramis gathered the baby and the blanket in his arms, then walked to the other side of the room.
"Sssssh, we don't want to wake her up, now, do we? We have things to discuss, the two of us. Man to man."
It was the first time he could speak freely. He didn't know if such an opportunity would occur again so he had to take advantage of it. Rocking the baby, he began whispering about his life. First as a boy, then as a Musketeer. He told his son about his friends, about his job, about the things he liked in Paris. He told him about what he used to do as a child back in the countryside. He told him about the follies he'd done and the corrections he had received from his father. He described the beautiful landscapes he had seen, in France and elsewhere.
After a moment of uninterrupted whispering, Aramis was silent, rejoicing in the weight of his son pressed against his chest. The silence did not suit the boy who started fussing.
"Sssh, sssh, don't cry. Everything's fine. Ssssh...Los pollitos dicen pio pio pio cuando tienen hambre y cuando tienen frio... »
The words came back easily as he sang one of the lullabies his mother used when he was a child. The rhythm soothed the child quickly back to a peaceful sleep.
"I was not aware a new governess had been hired." So deeply focused on his son, Aramis had not realized someone else was in the room with them. He had longed to hear this particular voice talking to him. The last time they talked was after the King's announcement that the Queen was expecting the heir. The voice was not as warm and friendly as he remembered.
"I can explain, your Majesty. I promise you I mean no harm." When he turned around to face the Queen, Aramis realized he was actually looking at the image of the woman he had in his memory. Her hair was hanging freely down her shoulders and her back. She was simly wearing a nightgown and a heavy robe on top of it. Apart from the anguish look now absent from her eyes, she strongly resembled how she was at the convent all these months back.
"I believe I can trust you on this aspect. However, I am not at all happy with Marguerite. She should have never allowed someone foreign to the care of the Dauphin to stay with her."
"This is entirely my fault as well, please, do not be severe with her because of me." He would hate it if his careless behaviour was to send the governess away from the Palace. It was not part of his plan. Athos may be right; his attitude was having consequences on more people than himself. "I just...had to see him."
The Queen was motionless. This entire situation did not put her at ease. Ever since the night spent with the Musketeer, she had longed to have a chance to settle the problem so they would not betray one another. Now was this chance, but she was not feeling so brave anymore. She wanted to be firm, to keep a calm front. The vision offered to her was putting her mind at test. This was not the strong soldier she remembered. The Aramis in front of her had let down his guard (too much) and she could see how affected he was by the consequences of their actions.
"I know I promised I would protect him and be the best servant he could have, and I swear I will be this man. When he was not born yet, it was easy to imagine I could watch him from afar and be satisfied with it. I thought I could detach myself from my feelings and act as if we had no bond. Now, on the other hand, he is truly here and... I can't. It is as if I am drawn to him. I haven't seen him in a fortnight, you know. I have no right to be in this room, to hold him but...he is the most precious thing I have in the world and that's the entire problem. Because he's not mine."
Aramis looked away. He did not want to feel so vulnerable. He stroked the mass of hair on the baby's head. Some dark and already curling hair, like his own. The Queen walked up to them, resting her hand on the other's arm. Her cold stare was gone.
"We need to talk, Aramis." He nodded and followed her as she led the way to the adjacent room which made up the nursery. There were only a bed and another crib. A single candle lit the place, creating a peaceful halo where they both sat, Aramis still holding their son. There was no need to pretend in here, and the Queen remained as close as she could to her baby.
"He has your hair. Everybody can see he will be the most beautiful baby in the city."
"As I look at his mother, I can totally understand why." She smiled at the compliment.
"I've been meaning to have a conversation with you for some time now. But it is so difficult to do so without people suspecting anything. After all, what matter could I have to settle with a simple Musketeer? I do not regret a single thing I have done, I want you to know this. What we had was perfect. It was...I believe it was the best time of my life."
Aramis thought he saw her cheeks turn lightly red. She was not used to speak without a whole entourage ready to repeat every one of her words. Even though she may be able to see her son whenever she wanted, he did not envy her royal position one second.
"I feel the same way, your Majesty. I know it was a hard time, the attack, Helene's death and everything, and that under other circumstances, it may not have happened. I am just glad it did and I will not apologise for saying it. I am even more glad for him."
The boy was sleeping happily, his little fingers curled around one of his father's. To Aramis, and to the Queen, it was the best they would ever manage to get together.
"I wish I were not Queen. I wish we could tell the world what we created together. I wish things were different for you. At the same time, I spend many days worried about what would be if someone discovered the truth. I am not afraid of dying, everybody must do one day. No, I am afraid for him. What would happen to him?"
She shuddered at the idea and Aramis had to refrain from putting one of his arms around her shoulders in comfort. He had to stop thinking of her in a physical way since he knew nothing good would come out of it. They may be united around the baby but he had to keep it to this. He had to forget the rest. He needed limits.
"As long as I live, no harm will come to him. I'd rather die than see him hurt... or you."
"I believe you. I also believe we will take the secret to our graves. Nevertheless, you coming here is too dangerous."
"I have heard this before. Athos knows. He...he saw us that night." It did not come as a surprise, she had already figured it. "I realize it is dangerous. Every second I spend here puts him, and you, at risk. I may be selfish, your Majesty, but I do not feel guilty."
"I have been thinking...what if I find an official excuse for you to be close to the nursery? What if I asked for a Musketeer to always be near by? Not always you, of course, but once in a while. The King would not object. He desires nothing more than for his heir to be safe. Who can be better than his most faithful soldier to do so?"
Aramis could hardly believe what he was hearing. He had dreaded hearing her say she did not want him near the baby ever again. It was her right to demand it, and he would have obeyed. It would have made him more miserable then ever, though. She did not look like a Queen giving orders and expecting them to be obeyed at once right now. She was a mother in a complicated situation, doing everything in her power to improve their life. She gazed fondly at the bundle in his arms, her eyes often glancing at him. In his heart, he was aware that if he continued coming here as he did tonight, someone would notice and report him. The consequences would be terrible.
This proposition felt like a miracle. A small miracle, but enough to brighten his face a little. He would still carry a heavy burden yet somehow the weight would be lessened. The Queen was on his side; it was all he needed. Her idea would certainly be the closest he'll get to being involved in his son's life. He could wish for more, but it would forever remain wishful thinking.
"Your Majesty is too generous with me."
"Nonsense. It hardly seems fair compared to what you have given me. Before he was conceived I...felt like a ghost in this cold Palace. I have no friend, no one to confide in. I used to spend my days needling or making conversation with Countesses and Duchesses who were merely after royal favours. I felt empty. Everything's changed thanks to you. You've given me the greatest gift I could have asked for, Aramis."
She raised her head, kissing his cheek lightly. She remembered how his beard had felt on her face, how she had liked the touch of it. She had liked the roughness she was completely denied in this place. Aramis closed his eyes.
"I wish your Majesty hadn't done this...I cannot stop thinking of you. My mind is full of foolish ideas about what could be if we weren't us. I am having a difficult time moving on with my life. Just ask my comrades, they will tell you I drive them mad. I need to stop thinking of you in this way. You are the Queen, I am a soldier and you must assure me nothing will ever happen between us again. I am not rejecting you," he added seeing how hurt she seemed to be. Making her angry was not his intention. "I am being realistic here. I am certain it would be...agreeable to say the least, and an escape from your rigid life. Just think of the consequences. We cannot do this to the boy."
The Queen was taken aback until she realized he was correct. She composed her face. He could not be the only responsible one in their relationship. Did they even have a relationship?
"I have to agree with you. Nothing stops us from being friends, though. I want us to be friends, Aramis, to the limit of what is acceptable, of course. Our son deserves it." He smiled at her last words.
"I cannot promise it will be easy, your Majesty, and..."
"Anne, please call me Anne."
"This is not helping, your Majesty."
She did not know if she wanted to cry or to laugh. A choked noise came from her throat and he was the one who laughed, giving her a warming smile. At this moment, she understood that although their problem would never be solved and they would never be completely satisfied, they would make it work.
Baby Louis also reacted to the noise, his eyelids fluttering open. His gaze locked on his father's, wondering who this new face was. The Queen said a few words in Spanish, her recognizable voice comforting the little one.
"He will want to be fed soon."
"Is it the reason why you came here in the middle of the night?" Aramis could not believe the King would allow his royal wife to nurse their child herself. His disbelief made her laugh.
"The King would have a fit if I did. No, I simply could not sleep. I had this strange feeling tonight was special. I was not mistaken." Her eyes moved from the father to the son, realizing how much they were going to look alike. "I do believe he will have your eyes as well."
"For his sake, I hope not. He will attract too many women if he does. He will never have a moment of peace. It will be hard enough with him being the heir to the throne. You do not want swarms of courtesans permanently attached to him."
"I see someone has a rather high opinion of themselves." Another carefree laugh escaped her lips. She almost looked surprised by it herself. Despite the perilous state of her life, she enjoyed the beneficial effect Aramis was having on her. She desired nothing more than having the opportunity to laugh all day long and entertain herself. He was constantly changing her life for the best. The Musketeer had to see how serious she was in wanting to give me a place in their son's life.
She stood up from his side, fidgeting with one of her necklaces. She eventually took it off and fastened it around Aramis's neck.
"Your Majesty must stop offering me necklaces. Porthos is already starting to say I behave like a woman."
"It is a locket I requested for myself but I can always have another one commissioned. Here, give him to me." Her hands grazed his as she took the baby from his arms. Emptiness surrounded him at once. He felt cold again. "Open it."
He did and the cold vanished. On the left side, there was a miniature of the baby sleeping. On the right side, a lock of black hair was fastened to the golden frame.
"I cannot change the fact that you will not be by his side all the time. It is small but it will keep him close to your heart, if you ever feel miserable again."
"I don't know how to thank you."
"You need not. Promise me you will not try to approach the Dauphin when you are not on duty, that is all I ask."
"It would be reckless of me to do so, now that we have an agreement."
"Thank you. Now, let us find someone to feed this poor little soul."
Aramis watched her retrace her steps back to the other room, the baby already starting to cry. He had to be gone before Marguerite was woken by the noise. She would be mortified if she realized the Queen had seen Aramis in the nursery, where he was supposedly forbidden to come. He didn't have the time to properly say goodbye so he pressed the locket in his hand, put his hat back on his head and left quickly. The end of the night had not been as bitter as he had imagined because he knew he would soon have the opportunity to see his baby again. And it made the whole difference.