In the hospital Reid feels… exposed… is the best descriptor he can think of while sitting with his bare butt on a hospital gurney, nothing except a paper thin gown covering him from the front, waiting for the torture to begin. Hotch is outside the door talking quietly to Morgan. He told them both to leave, that he'd be fine, but the looks exchanged suggest they think he's kidding himself so Reid doesn't push it. He's feeling anxious enough without adding extra crap to the list. His skin is crawling despite the shower he took this morning and his body aches, bone deep. Normally that wouldn't bother him so much, but today, right at this moment it's extremely frustrating. You'd think given his history he'd be used to feeling like a walking, talking punch bag, but it's been a while since someone took their angry out on him, the protection of the team having kept bullies away. Maybe that's why he feels so wrong now. The team hadn't been able to protect him from the bully that was Charles Hankel. But then again, it's damn hard to protect someone from a ghost.
"We all ready?"
A perky voice calls his attention to the other person suddenly in the room. He has no idea when they arrived or how, but the women wearing pink scrubs now standing before him surprises him. Her fixed smile is clearly a front to hide her obvious anxiety about talking to him. She must have been warned of his situation, for lack of a better word. Probably expects him to jump out of his skin at every sudden movement or cry … oh wait, he did that already.
Yesterday is still a blur, but Reid vividly remembers shouting at the nurse, kicking over the tray with the needle on it and telling everyone in very colourful language to leave him the hell alone, including Gideon and Morgan. Gideon left, he'd not really seen him since, but Morgan refused. He'd glared him down and told him to behave or else. That particular memory brought a flush to his cheeks. Morgan who is here now, even after the mouthful he'd given him. Thankfully he hadn't lost it with Hotch yet, only cried on him, but Hotch couldn't possibility hate him for that? Could he?
Well today is different. Today he will get through without breaking down or embarrassing himself. Then maybe everyone can take their eyes off him, without fearing he'll break any second.
iYou know they won'ti
"What?" Reid questions the nurse, panicked by her words.
"I'm sorry?" The young woman looks up from the clipboard she's scribbling on.
"What you said…"
"Oh, I asked if you have any allergies before I start the work up, I need to take blood."
"I'm allergic to beta latums" Reid says absently. "Blood work?" He questions, voice high pitched clearly worried.
"Reid, everything okay?" Morgan is in the room immediately, must have been listening and heard the change in his tone.
"I'm fine" he snaps – so much for keeping it together. He turns back to the nurse. "Is blood work really necessary?"
Reid tries very hard to ignore Morgan completely since he knows he won't be as easily fooled.
"It's standard in a work up." The nurse looks confused and anxious, her glaze intentionally flicking to Morgan for assistance who immediately complies.
"Reid what's wrong?"
"Nothing, I just don't see the need for unnecessary tests, there are many less invasive ways of checking basic health."
"Hey, hey," Morgan is suddenly in his space, sitting down next to him on the bed. "Calm down, no one's going to make do something you don't want."
Reid feels exposed again, very aware of the air traveling up the dress he is essentially wearing. With Morgan so close he feels even more vulnerable, less in control. Unconsciously he scratches over the large band aid he's placed over the needle marks in the crock of his right elbow.
"What is that?" Morgan picks up on the action straight away and Reid closes his eyes in frustration wondering how he could be so stupid as to draw attention to it like that.
"I was cut, the doctor last night put that there, it's nothing." Reid dismisses quickly, the lie already formed and ready in case anyone asked such a question.
"I should take a look." The nurse's hands are already reaching out and Spencer yanks his arm out of her grasp.
"No, I said its fine, and I don't need blood tests either." He shouts, voice carrying out into the corridor.
"What's going on?" Hotch asks, cell phone in hand clicking shut like he cut the call short to come running into them.
Without realising it Reid takes a breath and another and another until although he's aware he's hyperventilating there's nothing he can do to stop it.
"Reid, breath," Hotch is in front of him of now holding his hand, Morgan still sitting at his side rubbing his back.
He can't, he just can't, blood tests means they'll find the drugs in his system, means they'll tell Hotch, he'll know and they'll all know what he's done, what he let Tobias do. Thoughts drift to the vials in his bag, hidden, his secret, they couldn't know how weak he was, how he wishes he didn't have to feel this way, how he wishes he could do it again – drift, disappear, forget - it would be better.
"Reid come on man," Morgan again.
Hotch is also telling him to breath, to calm down and Reid wants to disappear; this is not how he planned this.
"I want to go home." He manages in between stuttered breaths.
It sounds pitiful but he doesn't care anymore, he doesn't care that they probably won't be leaving him alone anytime soon, he just doesn't want the tests, he doesn't want them to know.
..
Hotch hears the plea, like a smack to his soul he nearly falls back with the force. But before he ends up sitting on the hospital floor, holding Reid's hand as he loses himself in his panic, Hotch turns his own worryfilled gaze on Morgan who looks equally as concerned, eyes glassy, lips pulled tight.
"Reid, hey pretty boy look at me." Morgan commands soft and hushed, lifting Reid's chin with his hand.
Hotch lets him take control because right now he's lost, lost in emotion, lost in sadness and strangely has an overwhelming need to see Jack right now.
"That's better," Morgan says when Reid's teary eyes pull away to settle on his. "Now we need you to let the doctors check you over to make sure you really are okay."
"But..."
"We'll start small, blood pressure that sort of thing and work up to the rest. I'm going to be with you the whole time, if you don't like anything we'll stop okay?"
"Okay," Reid breaths, nodding.
He's calmed and Hotch straightens, but doesn't let go of his hand. He gives the nurse looking an uncertain nod and Morgan relaxes next to Reid on the bed as he instructs her to start with blood pressure. Seeing everything's going fine, Hotch releases his hand, but as he does so Reid turns to him and asks a question.
"Where's Gideon?"
It's an innocent question, no hint of concern or worry just curiosity, because of course he'd expect Gideon to be here, they all would. But he's not. He's in his cabin feeling sorry for himself. Hotch can feel Morgan's heavy gaze settle on him while Reid's looking up at him open and expectant. He's not often lost for words, but he's also never wanted to lie so badly in his life.
"I'm going to call him now." Is what he settles on.
It's the truth, he is going to call, he's going to call and leave a verysuccinct message for Gideon to get back to DC ASAP. With that he nods and leaves the room before any other questions he doesn't want to answer can be asked.
..
"Right hop off the scales," the cheery nurse instructs.
"What's the verdict?" Morgan asks glibly.
It makes Reid crack a smile, likely because he knows why he's asking.
"155 lbs," she makes a grumbling sound, eyeing him slyly. "That's quite underweight considering your height."
"Man I could throw you across the room without breaking a sweat." Morgan smiles a little too cheerily at the thought.
"I won't" he assures the concerned looking nurse who upon hearing his reassurance immediately matches his flirtatious smile.
Hotch appears at the door, the nurse sees his look and tracks it.
"How about we take a short break while I fill these out and I'll be right back?"
Morgan mouths a thank you at her and she smiles again as she leaves, clipboard in hand.
"Hey Pretty boy, what say l fetch us a coffee?"
Reid nods, nonplussed, whether he noticed the silent conversation is unclear, ever since his minor panic attack Reid's barely spoken, nothing beyond answering a few mundane questions at any rate and then only with either a yes or a no. Morgan pats his knee and nods pleasingly anyway, joining Hotch in the corridor making sure to pull the door shut behind him so Reid can't see them talking.
"What's up?"
Hotch's expression is serious. "Gideon's not answering his cell,"
"You surprised?" Morgan laughs humourlessly.
"No, but I am going to drive out there."
Morgan sees the determination in his gaze but wonders what's motivating him, he's never seen Hotch so disjointed and out of sorts before.
"You think that's a good idea?" He asks carefully.
"You don't?"
"I think Gideon's made his choice on how to deal with this. Reid needs you here."
"He doesn't need his boss hanging over his shoulder. You're good with him Morgan, you'll be fine."
True, Reid's the little brother he's always wanted and after growing up with two older sisters he's longed for someone to look up to him, play ball with and teach fun stuff too. Now playing ball may be a learning curve for Reid, but there's still time for that, he's still his little brother, perfectly guidable. But bottom line; Morgan is not his dad.
"I am and I will," he doesn't deny Hotch's assertion, "But he needs iyoui, not as his boss Hotch, you know that, he needs you to tell him everything's going to be okay."
"Gideon-"
"Reid gave YOU the clue to save him not Gideon, he trusted iyoui. Now he's holding it together in there," Morgan, face stern, points back into the room, "but it won't be long before he realises Gideon isn't coming and it's a day's drive out to that place, you disappear on him now too and he really is going to start thinking we're abandoning him. We're all the family he has to depend on Hotch, you can't do that to the kid, he's been through enough already."
There's moments silence between them before Hotch pockets his car keys and nods.
"You're right."
Morgan grins. "Damn straight."
"Don't get cocky." He warns, putting his cell away too.
Morgan tells him where he's going and Hotch decides to go wait with Reid, they will get through this- together.