A/N: chapter centre's around season season 2 ep 16 fear and loathing. Warning for actual drug use, but no more graphic than the tv show.
...
Fear and Loathing
They're in the briefing room, a new case, their first in the field since Georgia. Hotch is talking. Spencer hears him say 'bodies discovered in a wooded area' and his gaze moves directly to the crime scene photos lying out in the middle of the table, but his mind, his mind takes him back to the cornfield. He feels the punch to his face as if it only just happened and flinches with the imagined impact. Blinking, shaking off the memory he tunes back into the briefing. Or tries to. Reid fidgets in his seat, the others are talking around him, fast, too fast to join in, offer an idea, to add his voice to the discussion-
His inner voice urges him to speak up, to say something. iJust tell them!i
Tell them what? That he lied to the shrink? That he told her exactly what she wanted to hear, what he knew would get him field clearance sooner. No, he can't tell them that, for the same reason he can't tell them why he didn't want his blood to be tested at the hospital. Or why he has two vials of Dilaudid still stashed in his go bag.
Hotch plays them a recording of something, a reverend? He doesn't know, can't focus. Now he's shifting in his seat again, touches his face, his hair, can't keep still and this time Reid darts a glance to see if anyone has noticed. They haven't. He forces himself to settle, hand to his mouth, giving up on listening and speaking he's putting all his concentration into staying silent, for if he does open his mouth it won't be anything but a scream coming out.
Prentiss asks about Neo-Nazi's and JJ's saying something about the Major. Reid's gaze travels back to the pictures, his eyes see Sandra Davies lying dead in the leaves – in his mind he sees himself.
...
Leaving for the Jet Hotch catches Morgan's arm before he steps out the briefing room and nods to his office. Walking in facing the windows Derek braces himself.
"I've noticed." Morgan pre-empts the question he knows Hotch is going to ask the minute his door is shut. "But it isn't unexpected, it's his first case out in the field he's bound to be nervous."
"I know," Hotch nods. "I'm just concerned."
"Yeah," Morgan sighs, "me too, but the shrink cleared him."
"Yes. She did."
They stare at one another in silence.
"Look let's cut the bull, you and I both know Reid has enough experience with psyche doctors, not to mention that 187 IQ, he could easily lie to get the clearance he wants." Morgan speaks plainly, waiting patiently for Hotch's response.
There's a seconds hesitation where the glare slips and Morgan swears he sees something close to panic in Hotch's gaze.
"But would he?"
"You're asking me?" Derek points to himself, because quite frankly he doesn't understand half of what's going on here. "Hotch, come on man, you know him as well as I do. Reid would never put the team at risk if he thought he'd be a liability."
"But he would tell a shrink whatever was necessary to get what he wants if he thought he was okay." Hotch counters.
There's a fine line between thinking something and truly knowing it. Reid's a good kid at heart, but impulsive. The Fisher King case where he nearly blew himself up being a prime example of how wrong a genius' judgement can be sometimes. Morgan sighs, hoping this isn't yet another case of the kid's poor judgement, because it'll only end in tears and they've all had enough of those in the past week.
"Has he had another seizure since last Monday?" Hotch moves around his desk, grabbing his go bag.
Morgan uses the time while hus bavk is turn to think on his answer. "No, not that I'm aware of, he zones out now and again, is having trouble concentrating like we just saw in there," he points toward the briefing room "but…"
"But?"
"Hotch I've not seen him outside of the office since he came back to work. His request." Morgan eyes Hotch, gaze glass full with regret, "I wanted to give him his space, but seeing him now, I'm not sure if we've given him too much."
A pained expression crosses Hotch's face and Morgan wonders if he's having similar guilty thoughts. They share another moment of heavy silence where the only sounds in the room come from the shallow breathing of its troubled occupants.
Hotch's features settle first and he takes a step forward. "Look I realise we're on a case and I have no right to ask this of you-"
"I'll keep an eye on him," Derek straightens, answering before he can ask, "I've got his back don't worry about it, seriously."
Hotch's face loses some of its tension. "I'll try."
.
On the Jet going out the low hum of the engines warming up, coupled with the hushed talking of his team around him helps Spencer relax. JJ settles into the seat across from him and he's grateful for the company. The last time he found himself sitting here was not a good memory, not his worst, but certainly in his top ten of 'embarrassing moments he'd rather forget' and above all he'd really prefer not to be alone with his thoughts right now. Breathing a little too shallow and quick still Reid has to resist drawing his knees up and wrapping his arms around himself in a self-soothing position. That would certainly signal to everyone how not fine he is on his first trip out. JJ seems not to realise anything's wrong, or at least is willingly ignoring his discomfort, so intent on keeping things that way he opts to avoid anyone's gaze by staring out at the runway as it moves by at an ever increasing speed. Unfortunately, hypnotised by the blurring scenery and deafened by the jets engines engaging in take-off he's soon where he didn't want to be - lost deep inside his own head.
"Hey, hey kid… you with us?"
"Huh?" Reid answers, focusing his blurred vision on Morgan standing over him before turning away to look out the window again. "We're in the air already?" He asks abruptly when all he sees is white fluffy clouds and blue sky.
"Yeah, for at least fifteen minutes," Emily answers across and to the right of him, Reid turns to look at her in time to see her catching Morgan's eye, "you okay?"
Reid instinctually frowns at her, is she kidding? She can't ask him that, not now, doesn't she know he hates lying to them! He looks around to see if Hotch or Gideon heard her ask that, but thankfully both are in deep discussion at the other end of the jet.
"Kid, you better answer us." Morgan issues him a low warning, crouching down at his side so they're mere inches apart.
Reid immediately sinks lower in his seat at the tone. With a mind that has cloud coverage thicker and denser than the iceberg which sank the Titanic he can't process any ulterior motives right now, but he knows they have one. Why else are they insisting on asking questions he doesn't want to answer? He does see Prentiss' eyebrows raise, eyes directed to her right where Hotch happens to be sitting, so far paying their interacton no mind. Still kneeling next him Morgan's features remain impassive, yet his eyes give away more concern than Reid's seen directed at him in a long while, and considering the events of past few weeks that's saying something.
Pursing his lips, he forms the wrong words in his head before reluctantly giving them life. "I'm fine."
He nods succinctly, standing up and pushing between them both heading for the rest room.
Shutting the door and locking it behind him Reid sinks onto the closed lid, head in hands taking several deep shuddering breaths. He's trapped in a conundrum of lies he can never escape. And he can never tell them the truth. Why? Because the truth will bury him. Just like Raphael tried to do. They can ask, Morgan can glare, JJ can pretend but he can never tell them he isn't fine. Never tell them how he'd let Tobias drug him, never tell them he actually wished for it near the end, despite still having hope Hotch had understood his message, hope that the team would find him in time, before he was placed in the ground, surrounded by leaves, his body on display for his family to discover.
Jumping up and running the tap Reid frantically splashes cold water over his face to wash away any trace of fear or doubt that's lingering on his overly expressive face. They'll be passing New York in a few minutes and if he doesn't want Morgan or Prentiss talking to Hotch about him then he needs to get back out there, it's time to focus on the case.
...
Hours later, with Tania the girl who sent the note cleared, enough information to label their unsub a serial killer with a specific type and no reported missing's since Sandra Davies Hotch orders the team to the hotel to rest for the evening, ready to start fresh again tomorrow.
"Hey Reid you coming?" Emily calls to him in the hotel corridor, having already dumped her things in her room ready to go eat.
"W-where?" Reid frowns as he's trying to get into his own room, using his key card without success.
"Here," Morgan appears and takes the card from him, inserting and getting a green light on his first try.
"Dinner," Prentiss laughs as Morgan opens the door with a Cheshire-cat grin, but sobers quickly upon catching Reid's look of despair, "Hey you okay?"
"I'm fine." He snaps without looking at her, throwing his bag onto the bed and quickly turning on all the lights. "Why wouldn't I be?"
"Okay," Emily watches him from the corridor, sharing a look of concern with Morgan who's leaning with fake nonchalance against the door frame.
"I'm not hungry" Reid says to them after a minute of frowning at the standard small hotel bathroom. "I'll see you all in the morning."
He walks over and practically pushes them out, shutting his door with a firm 'goodnight' leaving the pair looking sad and worried in the hallway.
"Where's Reid?" JJ asks turning the corner coming from her own room.
"He's not coming." Emily breathes out, defeated.
"He needs to eat." JJ sighs.
Morgan raises his fist ready to bang on the door, but Emily stops him.
"Morgan," she shakes her head, feeling the same way but knowing they need to give him space.
Morgan looks at her in weary acknowledgement and drops his hand back to his side. "Yeah okay,"
"We'll bring him back a cookie or something." She promises as the three walk away, trying to lighten the mood.
Morgan nods, but she can see he already has his cell up to his ear and Emily would bet her last dollar she knows who he's calling.
"Hotch," a slight pause, "Yeah, we may have a problem."
.
Behind his door Reid swears he can hear Morgan and Emily frowning, but doesn't care. He's been feeling sick all day and the last thing he needs is to eat anything. Actually the last thing he needs is to be alone right now, especially after what happened in the bathroom earlier. But knowing what's best and doing it aren't ever as easy as anyone thinks. In fact their damn right mutually exclusive sometimes. Back against the door he hears JJ's voice join the mix and wills them all away.
i'They're not leaving you they know, they know what you did.'i
The voice pushes him over the edge into the small bathroom where he finally empties what little is actually in his stomach. Once done, like at the station earlier Reid looks in the mirror and does not like what he sees. He's shaking, sweating, tears filling up ready to spill over in pained desperation. The image of the girls in the photos, their bodies lying in the leaves won't leave his mind and he breaks into a sob. It hurts his chest. He hates that he knows, physically knows the fear and pain they experienced right before their lives were choked out of them. Though he'd requested to see Tobias' recording so he could understand, see his fear and pain the way an outsider would, the way he's used to experiencing it, Hotch had outright refused to let him to watch the tape. Despite the drugs coursing through him he remembers suffocating on the floor, body contracting uncontrollably, unable to draw in any air until finally, he passed out. Only he didn't pass out did he, he died, was actually dead for longer than anyone cares to admit.
Coming back to the present, leaning against a hotel sink and staring at his drawn reflection in a water streaked mirror Reid realises he is hungry. Starving even now that the nausea has been abated by his throwing up, but he can't stop the shaking and knows until he gets himself under control he has to avoid spending time with his team. They already suspect something isn't right, he can't risk them discovering his secret now, not after this long. He's not been sleeping, which isn't helping his mental state one bit. He needs to sleep, then the shaking and the nausea will stop.
i'There's another way'i
No! He screams to the voice inside his head, the one that tormented him those first few nights after being rescued. But then again, if he doesn't sleep tonight, what then? He needs to be better, to do his job he needs it all to go away.
i'It makes it better.'i
Tobias' words echo inside his mind now and Reid knows what he has to do. It's the only way, the only way it will stop. It'll help him sleep, help him do his job and most importantly stop his team from finding out. That's why he's doing this after all. To keep his family. Frantically running out the bathroom and emptying his messenger bag onto the bed Reid grabs the vials before they roll off, ripping open a fresh needle he'd taken from an allergy kit he fills it and doing just as Tobias showed him using his belt as a tourniquet plunges the needle into the crook of his arm. Within seconds Reid slips to the hotel room floor, leaning heavily against the end of the bed letting the drugs flow through his veins the same way the tears trail down his cheeks. He doesn't feel good, not by a long shot, but he has achieved his goal. Finally, finally he can sleep.
.
The next morning is busy. Everyone vacates their rooms early, making their way back to the station to continue working towards the profile ready to present and before Hotch realises it its already midday.
"Where's Reid?" He calls upon finding Morgan alone in the stations small briefing area.
They've all been edgy with his whereabouts of late. He was hoping the fear would naturally abate the longer they were out in the field, once everything was back to normal, but having only seen him briefly on the way in this morning, then once more at the pre-profile meeting walking back into the now near empty police station and not seeing him anywhere put his fatherly instincts on high alert.
"Bathroom," Morgan says despondently without looking away from the TV where Reverend Williams is making yet another impassioned speech intended to spur hate throughout the suburbs.
Hotch frowns at his tone. "What's wrong?"
Morgan looks at him as if he's crazy, "You're kidding right?"
"No," Hotch glares back at him.
"Hotch the kid's hurting." Morgan snaps. "Have you noticed he's still not carrying his gun?"
"That's his choice, there's plenty of work to do here at the station until he feels ready…"
"And what if he never feels ready? Hell he's shot more serial killers in the last two years than I have in my whole time as a cop and he's still just a kid."
Hotch takes a step closer, invading his personal space and keeping his tone low. "He's also an FBI agent. What's your point?"
"My point?" Morgan scoffs, "My point is the kid can barely pass his qualification, we basically hand deliver him to our unsub, one of the most sadistic we've ever had, and in the end he has to save himself."
"Where is this coming from?" Hotch demands, avoiding correcting him on exactly who sent the kid where for now, not understanding how his asking where Reid is has led to this out of left field argument.
Holding his head in his hands Morgan steps back, creating distance.
"Man I don't know. This case, these kids, smart good kids are walking right into the unsubs trap and…" hands dropping uselessly to his sides Derek looks him dead in the eye. "After we give the profile I need to get out of here for a while, do something other than wait for the next body to show up."
Ignoring the fact Morgan obviously believes they have little hope in finding the latest victim alive Hotch nods his consent, understanding the real issue at play. Reid is a good kid. Reid walked right into the hands of Tobias Hankel having no idea what trouble he was getting into and it was only by sheer luck that he didn't end up just like those girls, lying dead in the leaves. The parallels here are probably too much for their first case back as a team, the only way it could be closer would be if the victims were skinny white boys, but then that's just semantics. Although it's likely any case they take will have aspects which will in some way remind them of what happened to Reid, this one is certainly high up there for being a little too close for comfort.
"Do whatever you need."
..
On the jet home Reid has a different problem than he did while working the case, now he can't seem to stay awake. Morgan catches him in a moment of drowsy disorientation and instead of brushing it off he reacts, snapping irritably at one of the few people who actually could possible help him.
"Hey talk to me, whatever you say to me in confidence is between us you know that right." Morgan tells him calmly.
"I don't have anything to tell you." Reid refutes, knows he sounds bratty and hates himself for it but the irritability he's feeling just won't go away.
In a very big brother move, Morgan leans forward and talks seriously. "Reid, listen to me."
Reid knows that tone. That's the 'I know you're being a brat because you're hurting' tone, 'now let me tell you why you're being silly kid'. And he does, and Morgan's words make sense. He doesn't mean to snap at them. He knows they don't expect him to be perfect, in fact he's grateful for being treated normally at all. They could easily go super overprotective on him and smother him, but instead they're being kind yet cautious. He's incredibly lucky to have them…. And that's when the realisation hits him, and it hits hard. His secret is going to tear them apart, they'll never trust him again, and that's only if they even let him stay in their lives. He'll lose his job for sure. Hotch won't want him in his house ever again, Gideon won't want to play chess. The idea that this may be one of the last times Morgan ever iwantsito be his big brother makes Reid finally open up, needing to know how it feels at least once to choose to be vulnerable in front of his friends instead of having it forced upon him.
His voice cracks, the tears close to falling as he tells Morgan about knowing how the girls felt, right before they died. He tells him about not being able to focus, to do his job, because maybe Morgan will have a better solution to the one he used last night. He can't do that on a case again, he can't. For their sake as much as his.
"So what do I do?" he asks desperately.
"You use it. Let it make you a better profiler, a better person."
A better person. Reid repeats to himself and the words echo in his mind. Morgan makes it sound so simple. It isn't his fault though, Morgan doesn't know, not yet. If he knew he'd be disappointed. They all would. 'A better person.' The words are bouncing around his head now, tormenting him. How can he be better? Especially now. It's too late, he thought he'd feel better and he did - temporally, after he slept he could focus again, wasn't freaking out as much, able to think clearly again. It helped. A better person. Reid screws his eyes shut. Oh god he just wants it to stop, 'please just let it stop.'