Cases over, team debriefed and back to business as usual at Quantico Hotch prepares to talk to Reid about his recent poor behaviour before another situation arises that requires his attention. He has no idea what was said between Gideon and Reid before they left New Orleans, but the disobedience and temper tantrums still need to be formally addressed by him. He had wanted Jason with him, but despite the conversation they had at the station regarding the source of Reid's issues, he's still acting like the parent who lost their child once and simple cannot deal with the responsibility of keeping them safe ever again. He feels his power and confidence to protect has been stripped from him and regrettably the usual outcome is said parent ceasing all contact with the child so as to avoid similar hurt in the future, something Hotch hopes he can prevent from happening here. Sadly they've seen it happen too often to deny the possibility, people can be destroyed by simply the threat of trauma, not just the trauma itself.
"Reid, a word." Hotch calls from his office doorway, pushing all thoughts of Gideon's issues out of his mind for now. One problem at a time.
Watching him rise awkwardly from his desk Reid looks tired, eyes dark and haunted. Sleep deprivation is a key cause of mood displacement and Hotch hopes it's simply that. Knowing Reid and his issues with nightmares before Hankel it wouldn't be a surprise to learn he's been avoiding sleep. It doesn't give him the right to be behave like a brat, but when sick or hurting he does seem to regress to childlike tendencies. A coping mechanism directly related to his emotional development, or rather underdevelopment. How a person reacts to difficult situations is a learned response, one most kids pick up on the school playground by interacting in peer groups. But Reid never had the true playground experience being fast tracked through the school system and his peer groups consisted of kids so much older than him Hotch doubts they could have ever related to him on any serious level.
He knows this to be true because putting Tobias Hankel's recording on disc and hiding it from curious eyes wasn't the only favour he'd asked of Garcia that day. While Hotch had watched over Reid his first night back home he'd suffered some pretty distressing dreams. Hotch couldn't class them as nightmares because they simple weren't, even if they did reduce the kid to tears, leaving Hotch no other option than to sooth him back to sleep every time one took on a life of its own. They were memories; heart breaking, soul destroying - how the hell could a child survive this? - memories. And despite his will to be detached, on the inside Hotch knows he's looking at Spencer differently now. As Spencer for one, not Agent Reid. Now they were all victims of something over the course of their lives, Hotch has his own personal demons to battle daily, but listening to Spencer relive the horrors of his childhood in his sleep, it just doesn't sit with who the kid is today. Who Hotch knows him to be. Which is why he asked Garcia for the second favour. The one that had her dropping her cheery smile and screw the government mind set, leaving her looking hurt, torn and wanting to be a totally different person in that moment.
He asked her to profile Reid. Not in the way they do it, but in the way only she can, by gathering all records detailing the formative years of his youngest Agent and friend. Hard copies only he'd instructed her. Hotch didn't want anything traceable, these were for his eyes only, not the team. Paper though easily lost or stolen is only one thing, in one place and Hotch is good at keeping things in their place. A digital signature is imprinted every time it's viewed and distribution is hard to control. Like those chain emails with the angels and cats Haley keeps sending him and he hasn't the nerve to tell her to stop. Hotch likes paper, he likes control. Loathed to share his techno fear similar to Reid's for egos sake he simply explained to Garcia the need to protect Reid's privacy, even though technically by asking her the very task he was actually doing the opposite.
Now having read through it all, feeling the time had come to take such a drastic action Hotch really wishes he hadn't. There is far more to Spencer's short life than he could have ever imagined, and even though Reid's always been the quiet one of the group when it comes to personal topics he can't believe some of these details have never come up. Although it does explain his reaction to certain cases, especially when foster children are involved. Yes he could have simply spoken to Reid about his dreams, but Hotch didn't believe he'd oblige with the truth and he needed answers, even that early in the game he was thinking three steps ahead and Hotch wanted to be prepared should anything come of it. His gut had been telling him something bad might happen and now it seems his fears are about to be realised, in the worst way possible.
"You want me?" Reid shyly pokes his head around the door.
"Yes come in," Hotch nods formally walking back to his desk and picking up the folder containing all of Garcia's hard work on Reid's past, placing it back in his desk draw.
He hesitates, a look of unease passing over his features before deciding it's safe to enter. Hotch isn't sure when exactly Reid started to fear being in his office, he'd hope to never see fear on the kids face again, especially in a place that should offer some measure of protection, and he would hope, symbolised safety.
"Are you sleeping?" He asks outright, taking his seat.
Reid frowns, but doesn't bother trying to lie.
"Reid the FBI psychiatrist cleared you for field work but if you've withheld anything related to your health then…"
"What are you saying?" He snaps. "That you think I tricked her?"
Shit. Hotch needs sleep himself if he thinks going in strong is a good idea.
"Reid that's not what I'm saying-"
But Reid isn't listening, his eyes are dark, burning with defiance.
"I wouldn't risk the team like that Hotch!" He paces, near tripping over his own feet in his fluster. "I've tried really hard, I-"
"Reid stop" Hotch shouts, standing quickly, not liking the tremulous quality to his voice.
But Reid has already stopped. Stopped dead in the middle of the room, staring out the window at the grey day which has once again taken over the city they call home.
"Reid? Spencer?"
He doesn't respond, just keeps staring off into space, eyes clouded over. His lack of response has Hotch running from around his desk to stand before him.
"Reid can you hear me?" Hotch grabs the kid's shoulders, feeling bone even through his three plus layers of clothing.
He blinks a few times and looks sideways at Hotch. "I feel really sick," his voice is weak, all hurt and anger gone leaving nothing but emotion.
"Okay you need to sit down." Hotch tries to force him down on the sofa behind them, but Reid snatches out of his grasp and on unsteady legs runs out the door, already making his way back down stairs.
Sighing in frustration, with just a little bit of fear creeping in, Hotch looks to the ceiling praying for strength, needing a second to pull himself together before walking out after him.
"Reid, come back!" Hotch calls calmly, but loud enough for everyone in hearing distance to understand it's an order.
Everyone but Reid of course who just keeps walking. Hotch chases him into the bullpen, keeping pace and calling his name until finally closing the distance enough to pull him to a stop a few feet from his desk.
The altercation draws some attention. Most stay back, except the BAU team who, self-preservation be damned, close in.
"What's going on?" Prentiss asks first eyeing them both.
Reid is glaring at Hotch. Hotch is staring back at Reid. He knows he's hiding something. Is sure of it now.
"I don't feel well I'm going home." Reid says plainly.
He moves to grab his bag from his desk, leaving Hotch standing with Prentiss who looks right at him for an explanation. Hotch shakes his head at her and approaches Reid again.
"Reid you're not going anywhere," he tells him in no uncertain terms.
"You can't tell me what to do." He replies breathlessly.
"Reid," Emily takes a side step toward him as if he were a skittish animal. "If you're sick-"
"I'm not sick! Why won't any of you believe me, just leave me alone!" His shout draws even more attention.
Morgan comes running over next.
"Hey pretty boy, what's up?" His tone is casual enough, but Hotch can see from the tense line across his forehead and squared shoulders that he's ready and prepped for a fight.
Hotch, hoping they won't have to physically restrain Reid to stop him from leaving looks between the three of them. They're drawing a crowd now, but Hotch steadfastly ignores the on lookers and keeps his focus on Reid.
"I'm going home and no one is going to stop me!" Reid bites, not appreciating Morgan's attempt at normalcy.
Hotch notices he's still trying to pick up his bag and despite many attempts the flailing action remains the same with little effect, almost as if the arm movement is involuntary.
"What? Why?" Morgan looks to Hotch, clearly confused.
Hotch can see him frowning out the corner of his eye, but is too busy watching Reid's erratic actions to offer any explanation. Fear's creeping into his chest, it's under his skin, a tingling sensation too similar to a memory he has as a child upon discovering something bad happening to his family and realising there really wasn't anything he could do to stop it. As it turns out his fear is justified this time too. Seconds pass and before anyone can comprehend what's happening Reid's eyes roll back leaving nothing but whites and he drops to the floor, only missing hitting his head on the corner of Prentiss' desk by mere inches. The three agents watching immediately lose the shared frowns of confusion and scramble to his side. Hotch drops to his knees, rolling Reid onto his hip moving him into the recovery position while Morgan and Prentiss move as many things out of the way as possible.
"Prentiss time him." Hotch orders, supporting Reid gently from behind while his body spasms under his touch.
She nods and Morgan joins him on the floor, facing Reid. Their eyes meet over his unconscious form and Hotch knows what he's being asked without Derek giving voice to the actual words. He shakes his head, running one hand gently through Reid's hair, a futile act that he knows won't stop the seizure, but at least makes him feel better, like he's doing something other than watching helplessly. Then Reid's movements cease as suddenly as they began, leaving him lying listless between them.
"1:36" Prentiss announces.
"Okay, clear these people away and call Gideon, Morgan-"
"I got him Hotch." Morgan swiftly gathers Reid into his arms and with Hotch glaring at those few remaining leads the way up stairs to his office.
Laying Reid on the couch, his eyes are open but droopy and he's looking at them, but isn't saying anything.
"Hey kid," Morgan brushes the hair out of his eyes, "can you talk? Let me know if you can hear me okay?"
"I c'n 'ear 'ou," the words, though muffled make it out of Reid's mouth and both men instantly relax. "Wha' 'pened?"
"You had a seizure," Hotch tells him delicately after working out what he's asking "but you're going to be okay just rest for a minute."
Hotch taps Morgan on the arm and handing him a set of keys points his chin towards the door.
Reid watches Morgan leave the room with hooded eyes, "wh're?"
"He's gone to fetch the car," Hotch tells him calmly.
"Why?" Reid tries to sits up in panic.
"Hey, calm down." Hotch pushes him back down, perching himself on the sofa at his side, preventing further movement. "You're going to hospital."
"Wha' no!"
"It's with us or the EMTs, take your pick. Either way you're going." Hotch points a finger at him, broking no argument on this.
Morgan is gone a matter of seconds before there's a knock at the door and Garcia walks in carrying an armful of things, one of which is a purple fleece blanket.
"Hi Garcia," he greets softly with a sad smile.
He's unsurprised to see her, the whole team is probably going to descend on them in a minute.
She steps over to them and looks down on Reid over his shoulder. "Hi Reid, Morgan thought you'd want this."
Her voice is shaky, and sensing her resolve to be about as strong as Reid's at the moment Hotch stands and moves out the way to allow her to take his place.
"Can you stay with him a second, I need to make a phone call." He says as she tucks the fleece around his shoulders.
"Of course sir, anything." Garcia, voice soft calm and oddly soothing considering her usual volume, is smiling gently and doesn't look away from Reid's unfocused, sleepy gaze.
Hotch gives her a genuine smile in return. He's never doubted it for a second, but the past few weeks have certainly proved it. He has some good people in his life.
…
It hours later, they've returned from the hospital with Reid in tow and about as many answers as they had before he collapsed. The team on edge Hotch is simply trying to keep everyone grounded by focusing them on work. He's down in the bullpen with JJ going over what they need to do before leaving for the night when Hotch sees Morgan abruptly push back from his desk and walk up to Gideon's office door.
"How's Reid?" Gideon asks without turning around.
"You care?" he snaps.
Gideon doesn't even flinch, nose remaining buried in the case file he's holding. "I wouldn't ask if I didn't." He says eventually into the prolonged silence.
Morgan is undeterred however. "Well you can understand our confusion. I've been at the hospital with him and everyone else most of the afternoon. Where were you?"
"We had a case to look over." He dismisses causally.
"A case? You mean the serial we profiled won't take another victim for at least three weeks?"
"We can be wrong." He quips with a nonchalant shrug, but it's his next words which send Morgan over the edge. "Reid understands."
"Does he? Because I certainly don't! Why the hell don't you just say it? You're scared and you're avoiding the kid."
Gideon pauses in his reading, looking up and over his glasses with a firm stare. "No, I'm busy doing my job."
"Screw the job!" Morgan enters the office, no longer content with hanging in the doorway. "This is Reid we're talking about. If we'd not been there when that seizure happened he could have died."
"Well you were and he didn't," Gideon responds lightly. "Reid doesn't like being the centre of attention. Best thing for him is to get back to normal."
"Normal, right." Morgan scoffs. "Things aren't going to be normal for while - I think the last few weeks have proven that."
"He just needs-"
"What he needs is your support." Something in his stances changes, defeat maybe, "Gideon all the kid needs is to know you care, give him a damn hug or something, the earth won't end because of it."
There's a minute, near undetectable shift in the atmosphere of the room.
"Reid doesn't like to be touched." Gideon denies quietly.
It's the first reaction he's had to anything said so far, which leads Hotch to believe Morgan's on the right track.
"By strangers," Morgan stresses, "but we're not strangers we're his family. And besides that's not what this is really about."
"Really, what is it then?" Gideon snaps defensively.
Morgan's control over the conversation slash argument is slipping and it's clear he's fighting to put calm in his voice to get it back. "This is about you not showing Reid any kind of support since we got him back."
"I've supported his return."
"His return." Morgan mocks. "You listening to yourself? You're going through the motions man, I've talked to him, Hotch has talked to him, hell Hotch never left his side that first night back."
Watching Gideon's reaction carefully to that comment Hotch can actually see the flash of disappointment in his eyes. At the very least it proves this cold front is just that; a front, a coping mechanism and way to protect himself.
"Look I get it," Morgan continues, voice taking on a consoling quality obviously having seen the same reaction he has. "You feel responsible, you brought the kid into the BAU and he got hurt. You can't change that. This is going to stay with you as much as him."
"Morgan's right," Hotch speaks up, finally making his presence known by appearing in the doorway. "Reid's changed, whether we like it or not, and what caused it doesn't matter. He needs to know we still love him and that feeling happy again… well it's going to take time." He finishes reasonably, his personal words clashing with the detached tone, like he's talking to a room of new cadets rather than his friend's.
"Reid knows we're here for him and its okay." Morgan adds into the silence which follows.
Gideon looks blankly at the pair of them.
"What's okay?" He aims his question at Morgan, asking with a calm that makes even Hotch want to sock him one for being intentionally oblivious.
Morgan grits his teeth looking to Hotch who gives his consent with a clipped nod, Gideon's asking for it and he's out of ideas.
"Okay to not be okay damn it. Ignoring the problem won't turn him back into that innocent happy kid you thought he was before Tobias Hankel made him experience what it's like to be one of the victims!"
"I'm not a victim," Reid's quiet calm voice surprises them, drawing the attention of the room.
Morgan spins around to face him. "Shit Reid you're supposed to be lying down."
Reid blinks then turns his watery eyes on him. Hotch holds his gaze, waiting and then tone completely innocent he hears him ask –
"You love me?"
Pulling his lips tight to keep in his instinctual reaction in, Hotch closes his eyes to regain some strength and composure before answering.
"Reid we all love you." He tells him softly, with tinge of defeat in his tone.
"Really?" Reid whips around to face to Morgan, eyes wide desperately looking for confirmation of that.
Derek manages to answer, "Kid you're like my little brother, how could I not?"
Reid blinks, scanning the room, "I love you all too."
And with that quick declaration he spins on his heels and escapes back down into the bullpen.
Hotch tiredly pinches the bridge of his nose to stem the oncoming headache. Morgan looks as close to tears as he's ever seen him. As for Gideon, well he doubts anyone could have stood where they are, heard the hope in the kids voice that its true, someone really does gives a damn about him and not have it make a dent in the defensive walls they've put up. Exactly how insecure one kid has to be for a simple declaration of love to entice such a reaction, to be a genuine surprise he doesn't know, but has a feeling he'll be scanning that file again tonight looking for the answer.
First to recover Hotch meets each of the other's men's eyes, making his order clear with one long intense stare. Morgan nods determinedly and leaves, patting his shoulder in agreement on his way past. Gideon takes longer, but he eventually concedes, closing the file folder he'd been holding when Morgan had entered the room.
"I'll speak with him." He nods.
Hotch doesn't say anything in reply, but his look is clear. No one is going to hurt Reid ever again. He will simply not allow it. Period.
..
Reid runs down the stairs and out the door of the bull pen. He can't stay with the team, not like this. He's only hurting them. They love him and he's hurting them. The thought hurts him more than expected and without being able to control them Reid feels tears well up, almost breaching his eyelids. He has to stop. Being able to focus, to sleep, to do his job isn't worth it if he loses the family that comes with it. And he will lose them if he continues to shoot up whenever they're not away on a case. But he'll likely lose them anyway now, which brings him full circle. What the hell is he doing this for if he's just going to walk away?
Running into the nearest men's room he internally screams, near deafening himself in the process. He's a genius, a goddam genius and frankly why can he not get this? Ethan's words from before at the bar only add to the doubt he's feeling about this mess. He said they know, they have to know, so if they love him, and they know what's he been doing to himself at home why haven't they done something? Why don't they want to save him?
Reid collapses against the bathroom stall door. He's so tired and turns out so dehydrated tears are beyond him, but he cries all the same, muffled sobs escaping him as he loses all composure. Yet the question remains the same and he still doesn't have an answer. Why?