They sit Spencer on the living room couch. Haley and Jack have since left to visit her sister for the evening so it's just them and Reid in the house. Morgan stands in the corner, cell phone in hand should anything happen they haven't planned for. An extreme measure maybe, but given recent events definitely justified.
"Close your eyes," Hotch instructs Reid gently, taking a seat on the coffee table in front of him, knees touching. "Now I want you to go back to when you and JJ where driving upto the Hankel farm."
He walks him through the night and so far everything pretty much matches with Reid's report.
"It's morning. When you wake up where are you?"
"In the shed still." Reid swallows.
"What are you doing?" Hotch asks trying to keep his voice steady, this is the part of Reid's report he eventually claimed to not remember and so they've heard none of the details or know what to expect.
"I'm tied to the chair," his breath hitches.
"What is it Reid?" He reaches out and takes the kid's hand in his own, squeezing it tight.
"Tobias has just walked in, no, not Tobias- his father,"
"What's he doing?"
"He's burning something,"
"What do you do?"
"I talk to him, he gets angry, he's walking over to me, grabs my foot and puts it in his lap." Spencer swallows, "He has a piece of wood."
"Bastard," Morgan groans in the background, but Hotch shushes him.
"What's happening now?"
"He hits me with it," Spencer answers, voice strained and near tears, "He wants me to confess my sins, but I don't, I don't have any. I know if I confess he'll kill me." He gasps and shouts, "No!"
"What is it?" Hotch holds the hand in his grasp a little tighter, placing his free palm over Spencer's knee.
"He wants me to choose a family to die." Reid is openly crying now, tear tracks marking his pale cheeks. "I can't do this…"
"Okay, okay," Hotch swallows giving Morgan a look, they know this part anyway from the recording, "Move along to what happens next, after the camera's turned off."
"He leaves and when he comes back it's Tobias. He sees his father's hurt me, wants to help."
"Help?" Hotch queries.
He remembers Morgan mentioning this after the ride to the hospital and wondering if Reid formed some kind of bond with his kidnapper, the Tobias persona at least.
"He's scared."
"What about you?" Hotch asks gently.
Reid nods, but verbally ignores the question. "He's removing his belt."
Morgan's ears perk up at that, he looks to Hotch. Hotch thinks he might have punched a wall had they been anywhere but his house.
"What does he do next?" Hotch turns back to Reid, terrified of finding out the answer.
Reid falls silent.
"Spencer?"
His breathing becomes laboured, Hotch senses Morgan take a step closer.
"Spencer it's okay, you're safe."
This can't be right. Hankel showed no signs of anything remotely sexual in his killings... or is that only because he didn't want to see it, didn't want to even consider the possibility... how...
"Reid listen to my voice, you're safe Hankel can't hurt you again. What happen after he took off his belt?" He needs to know, now more then ever.
"A needle." Reid frowns, eyebrows drawn down and together.
"A needle?" Hotch echoes unable to keep the surprise out of his voice.
"He has a needle." The kid pales… "Oh god, no, no… I…" more tears fall. "I'm sorry Hotch."
Reid snatches his hands back and covers his face.
"Sorry for what?" He asks, fearing the dread building in the pit of his stomach. What exactly did they miss that night?
"He's injecting something into me, I don't know what but I beg him not to, I really do but he won't listen, just keeps saying it helps." Spencer's voice eventually breaks, dissolving into the tears he starts shouting hysterically "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry..."
Straight away Hotch jumps up from the table and sits next to him on the couch lifting Reid to him, trying to calm him as best he can. Stunned doesn't begin to describe hows he's feeling. He'd not noticed any needle marks when helping Reid change clothes that first night he'd spent in his guest room, but then it had been dark and he certainly hadn't been looking for signs of drug use, though given Tobias' history, with the cemetery in particular, maybe he should have considered it a possibility. Sure enough, freeing an arm and lifting up the right sleeve of Reid's shirt, there in the crock of his elbow are several heeled puncher marks, red angry pin pricks easily missed unless you were looking. No wonder Reid refused a full work up in the hospital. He knew what they'd find.
"There's nothing to be sorry for." Hotch whispers in his ear, repositioning his arm around Reid's back, rocking him gently from side to side as the kid continues to sob and apologise. "Why didn't you tell us?"
"I didn't want anyone to know, I didn't want you all to hate me because I didn't fight hard enough." Reid falls heavily against his chest, gripping his shirt so tight Hotch feels it pull taut across his back. "I... I thought I'd be okay. I didn't want to be weak."
Morgan had moved in closer the second Reid admitted to being drugged looking relived it wasn't what he'd originally thought, then wanting to shout at him for being so damn stupid withholding information like that. But upon hearing his reasons for hiding the truth he instantly deflates and takes Hotch's previous seat on the coffee table.
"You're not weak kid," Derek tells him sadly, a slight quiver detectable in the deep voice.
As Reid buries his face further into his shoulder Hotch tightens his hold and looks over at Morgan offering a sad understanding smile. He knows how hard this is for both of them and appreciates him not bawling the kid out for being such an idiot, for even thinking they'd hate him.
"Well I don't feel particularly strong right now" Reid sniffs pulling himself roughly out of his hold, wiping his sleeve across his damp eyes and runny nose.
"It's not your fault if you get drugged against your will." Hotch affirms hoping against hope that they can convince him there isn't anyway they'd ever blame him for that.
Knowing it's likely the drugs which impaired his judgement enough to give him the idea in the first place doesn't ease his guilt any. The thought that a few simple words of assurance from any one of them much sooner could have prevented this is heart-breaking.
"Yeah, but it wouldn't have happened to you." Reid throws Morgan's words from the hospital all those weeks ago back at them.
"Kid I'm sorry-"
"I have to go to the bathroom," Spencer nervously shoots out of his seat and makes a run for it upstairs.
Hotch nods, giving permission even though he doubts Reid will stop if he doesn't and standing slowly, guides Morgan over to the other side of the room furthest from the staircase.
"What I am going to do?" Derek asks plainly.
"You can sort it out later." Hotch dismisses.
"Later?!" Morgan almost laughs, "Hotch in case you haven't noticed it is later, two months in fact and the kid's a bigger mess now than he was before, and its partially my fault."
"Right now we have bigger problems," Hotch cuts him off, "Tobias Hankel's drug of choice was Dilaudid cut with a psychedelic."
Hotch stares hoping his meaning is clear -
"What are you thinking?"
- but judging by that question Morgan clearly wants him to spell it out.
"I'm thinking we didn't find any drugs on Tobias' body or in the shed." He says gravely.
Morgan's eyes go wide before shaking his head in abject denial. "No, no way man he wouldn't do that."
"Wouldn't he?" Hotch pins him with a stern glare. "It fits with all his symptoms. He has puncher marks in his right arm and I'm betting we'll find the same marks in his left. It explains the temper tantrums, the sickness, the seizures, Morgan if he'd been in withdrawal all this time we'd have known much sooner!"
"Reid's not stupid, the chances of mental illness alone, he already knows his genes make him susceptible, he wouldn't risk it…"
"He's been terrified Morgan" Hotch presses. "Think about his sudden change in behaviour from New York to Denver and then New Orleans."
Morgan huffs, looking like it's the last thing he wants to believe, despite all evidence to the contrary. "You really think he'd dose himself with that stuff?"
"We suspected he'd been self-medicating,"
"Yeah, over the counter stuff, sleeping pills, caffeine tabs, not pharmaceutical grade Heroine!" Morgan runs a hand over his shocked face, pacing. "How could we miss something like this? And how would he even get hold of it? I bet Hankel didn't just hand it over before..."
"What?" Hotch breathes after he lets the sentence drop, recognising the look of someone coming to an unhappy conclusion.
"He asked to be alone for a minute. With the body." Morgan sighs in defeat. "We waited and he sat down, if Tobias had the drugs on him…"
"He could have taken them before we processed the scene." Hotch concludes not exactly happy with that answer.
"But I didn't see him take anything."
"You wouldn't." Hotch shakes his head thinking of Reid's slight of hand skills.
They stare at each other, communicating without words their worse fears. This is a nightmare. Reid's likely not only been hurting himself for the past two months, he's been living with the guilt of stealing from a crime scene and worst of all, lying to them. Before anything else can be said Reid returns and comes to a sudden halt at the bottom of the stairs, obviously sensing the tension.
"I'm fired aren't I?"
The trembling voice actually makes his chest hurt, but sharing a pensive look with Morgan and receiving a curt nod in return Hotch steps forward to take the lead. Whatever the mitigating circumstances, however he may feel about those involved this is a problem he needs to deal with.
"Reid, sit down." He commands in his best no nonsense tone.
Reid complies nervously, but he's rather well put together considering and Hotch hopes to hell he's not done anything stupid while in the bathroom.
"We're going to have to add to your report about the Dilaudid." He drops that bombshell first.
Reid doesn't react to him calling out the drug by name, so assumes by the lack of challenge he's correct. Hotch knows he doesn't need to explain why they have to add it to his report either, keeping it a secret from the FBI could have far reaching consquences, beyond the BAU and Reid knows that, which is why this is so damn hard.
"It's not that bad kid," Morgan offers, seeing the desolation on his face.
"But everyone will know," he whines quietly, eyes to the floor.
Morgan steps forward and kneels down in front of him, forcing eye contact. "Yeah kid they will, but it's nothing to be embarrassed about."
Reid lifts and drops his shoulders with a heavy sigh, "And how do you explain to Strauss about why I didn't report it before?"
Hotch hadn't even thought that far ahead yet.
"Don't worry about Strauss, I'll sit with you in the office, we'll put it through together." He says neutrally, trying very hard to keep his composure in light of what he's going to have to ask next. "But before that happens you need to answer some questions."
"Anything," Reid agrees despite looking terrified.
Morgan flicks his gaze to him, asking permission to take the lead and Hotch nods.
"Kid, we need to see your other arm."
Reid's eyes widen, but quickly glaze over in weary acknowledgment. Without waiting for an answer Derek leans forward palms out indicating where he's going to touch before rolling up his left shirt sleeve.
Despite trying to maintain a level of control both Hotch and Morgan instinctually gasp upon seeing the same tiny red marks there too.
"How long?" Derek demands softly.
Reid's forehead creases, losing his own battle to stay composed. "I didn't mean to, but after I couldn't focus, or sleep... I told you, I needed to focus on the case. I... I...was…"
"You were scared." Morgan finishes for him, a look of defeat crossing his features like he's recalling a memory. "New York." He says looking to him, confirming what they'd already predicted.
"I tried to stop on my own." Reid sobs, falling back into the couch cushions, "I have stopped, since I walked in on you and Morgan talking with Gideon I've stopped."
Morgan's hard gaze meets his and they jointly acknowledge the last piece of the puzzle as it falls into place. Hotch doesn't pretend to be an expert on Dilaudid, but he's pretty sure going cold turkey after months of use is a really bad idea. Though if true it does explain Reid's unbalanced emotional state and why he's been looking so sick recently. Somehow the idea of him being in full withdrawal makes him feel a little less guilty about pushing him to remember, knowing that no matter their choices tonight the kid would have ended up an emotional train wreck with or without their help is strangely comforting. Despite the knowledge that this fallout would have been inevitable the only real good news Hotch can come up with to make the situation any better is that now that they know what's causing Reid's erratic behaviour they can finally do something about it.
"Where'd you get the Dilaudid?" Hotch asks, folding his arms across his chest.
Reid pales as if that's the last thing he expected to be asked and sends his gaze immediately to the floor. "I took them from Tobias. He had them in his pocket."
Hotch closes his eyes, digesting the truth as they'd feared it. "Why?"
….
Why? Why? Are they freaking kidding him?
"I didn't want you to find them!" Reid chokes out, pulling back and knocking Morgan away as he jumps up from the couch. "I know you all saw him beat me, I didn't want you to know what else I let him do! I didn't want you to know how weak I really was!"
"Hey, kid calm down," Morgan tells him sternly, "you didn't let him do anything, you were kidnapped, you had no control over anything that happened."
Reid snorts and breathes deeply, trying to rein in his outrage at being asked that stupid question in the first place. The one that's been plaguing him for what feels like forever and he still doesn't have an answer to. 'Why?'
Angry tears immediately threaten his eyelids, but even Hotch's stern glare can't make him rein them in right now. He knows it's irrational to feel slighted, but certainly more preferable to the fear and regret settling deep inside his chest this very moment. Head spinning with the realisation he's let his secret out Ethan's warning unexpectedly resonates in his mind and it raises a new question, one Reid thinks that maybe he can actually get an answer to…
"Did you know?" He sniffs eyeing the pair standing in front of him, the words barely making it past his lips.
"What?" Hotch sighs despondently.
Ordinarily that tone coming from him would have Spencer doing anything to make it better, but tonight his foolish side wins out and Reid pushes for the answer he so desperately needs to hear, even though he's sure he's not going to like it.
"Did you know?" He repeats lowly, almost spitting out the words.
Morgan's still standing in front of him looking shocked by his defensive reaction, even though none of them should be under the circumstances.
"Did we know what Reid?" Hotch's tone is tired this time, but firm. Reid's pretty sure he's trying his patience.
"What I was doing?" He explains, hands wiping away tears even as they're replaced by more. "Ethan said you all knew."
A look of recognition crosses both their faces, but it's Hotch who speaks first.
"We suspected."
They suspected. The confession hits Reid hard, harder than he thought possible. Looking to Morgan for confirmation the tense knot inside his stomach only gets tighter. His hands immediately start to shake and he feels dizzy, like all the blood is being drained from his body in one fell swoop. Reid stumbles falling back onto the couch, desperately needing to sit down again.
i 'You're pathetic' i a voice jibes and Reid doesn't need to open his eyes to know neither one of the men beside him uttered those words.
"Reid breath, come on its okay calm down." Hotch coaches when he starts hyperventilating, pushing his head to rest between his knees.
This is unbelievable, he's suffering now because he'd chosen to stop taking the Dilaudid to protect his family from discovering the truth, but it was already too late! They already knew! He should have just carried on. How could he be so stupid to think he could fix this?
"Why didn't you do anything?" Spencer suddenly lifts his head, looking up at Hotch through pain filled eyes.
"Reid-"
He's only just becoming aware of how much his chest hurts.
"Reid?"
He can't breathe.
"Reid!"
"What?!" He jumps up from the couch again, hating the sudden feeling of claustrophobia.
Hotch's reaches out to him but Reid smacks his hands away, tearfully demanding to be left alone. With the indulgent pitying looks being aimed his way he feels like a toddler coming down from a major hissy fit, probably looks like one too with his face so flushed and tear stained.
"Kid you need to sit down," Morgan tries to reason with him while Hotch backs off.
"No, actually what I need to do is leave," he decides abruptly, thankful his breathing's under control enough to walk despite the rest of him feeling like shit.
"Kid you're going nowhere," Morgan mocks, stepping toward him each time Reid takes a step back, "we've got to talk about this."
"Talk about what?" Reid snaps taking another step, bringing him level with the front door. "So you knew and didn't say anything, so what? I let an unsub take me, drug me and kill another couple in front of me! I removed evidence from a crime scene because I was scared of what you'd think! I deserve to be fired!"
Angrily shaking his head at the clueless faces in front of him Reid spins on his heels to make his final move to leave.
"Reid-" Morgan warns him lowly, "do not take another step or so help me I'll…"
"You'll what?" He tosses over his shoulder, scanning the floor looking for his shoes, "What could you possibly do to me that I haven't already done to myself?"
He doesn't hear whatever's said next, too focused on the task of leaving, frustrated that he's being held captive by the simple lack of footwear. Deciding he doesn't need them any more than he needs to stay here and be patronised Reid reaches for the door handle. He expects Hotch and Morgan to be pissed at him, even yell, but isn't prepared for the hands that grab him, arms looping around his waist yanking him back into the living room.
Refusing to go quietly or calmly Reid fights for all his worth and lands a strategic blow which has Morgan propelling him to the floor. Regaining his balance quickly Reid jumps up and tries to make a run for the door again, but Hotch grabs his arm before he can get much passed the couch. Angrily trying to break free he pulls, but Hotch is prepared and brings his other arm around his chest, pinning him easily to his own body. Spencer kicks against Hotch's shins, but with his arms pinned the efforts nowhere near enough to effectively escape.
"Let me go Hotch!" Reid screams uselessly. "Let me go!"
…
"Spencer!" Hotch snaps, his very tone calling for calm as Reid continues to scream at the top of his lungs.
With him trapped and struggling violently against his chest Aaron's just grateful to have strength and size on his side otherwise he's sure he'd have more than a few bruises to worry about once this was done.
"Kid, calm down," Morgan recovers and tries to reach him, but it's no good.
Reid continues to kick and scream, demanding they let him go, which as cruel as this seems right now so isn't happening.
"Morgan grab his legs," Hotch orders, seeing communicating as a lost cause.
"What?"
"His legs, I can't hold him like this forever, he's going to hurt himself."
Morgan hesitates a second, but eventually his loyalty and trust win out. Grabbing Reid's legs, securing them on his second try receiving only one kick - to his thigh this time - Morgan lifts and together they transfer him back to lie down on the couch. The kid fights for all he's worth, but despite his tenacity it does nothing more than tire him out. Not great for Reid's self esteem he's sure, but right now they have bigger issues to worry about than his pride.
"No! I'm not weak! Kill me, I won't choose, I won't." Reid's words continue in the same vein, his voice breaking a little more each time.
It doesn't take long for Hotch to recognise he isn't talking to them anymore. Whenever the flashback started, whatever the trigger had been, Reid is lost in his memories right now and their priority is to help him find his way out.
"Reid, kid, listen to me, your safe," Morgan begins, recognising the signs same as him. "Me and Hotch are here and we're not leaving you."
After a further minute of screams mixing with strained whimpers Reid's breathing eventually hitches and his failing body stiffens under their restraining hold. Hotch watches him swallow convulsively.
"Morgan, fetch a bowl - quickly." He says calmly feeling anything but, running a hand gently through Spencer's sweat soaked curly hair.
Thankfully Derek jumps up and grabs the waste paper basket from the dining room without question, returning to Reid's side just in time for his body to spasm. Rolling him onto his side Hotch supports his head as Spencer loses what little lunch he may have tried eating today. He throws up a couple more times before finally, aside from the odd shiver running through the cold sweat soaked body Reid is mostly still.
"Are you finished?" Hotch asks after a minute with no activity, words coming out harsher than he'd intended.
Reid blinks and sits up, taking the water glass being offered, but doesn't speak, hell he barely makes eye contact, wide brown eyes roaming the room until they settle on a spot somewhere between him and Morgan sitting at the other end of couch. Seeing the walls already going up Aaron makes a decision. Tapping Morgan on the shoulder he tilts his head towards the kitchen door. Derek isn't happy about the order to leave judging by his wtf? expression, but his resigned nod indicates he at least accepts his judgement and agrees this next part needs to be one on one. Out numbering the poor kid is too close to bullying in Hotch's mind and he knows Reid's had far too much of that in his young life already.
As soon as Morgan's gone, giving Reid a shoulder squeeze of support on his way out, Hotch drops from his seat to kneel on the floor in front of him, looking him dead in the eye. "You're going to be okay."
"Somehow I doubt that." Reid retorts dryly, voice raw thanks to all the screaming he's been doing.
"Small sips," Hotch reminds gently, taking the now empty glass from Reid's cold hands.
"Hotch I'm so unbelievably sorry I-"
"Hey, now you listen to me" Hotch snaps gently, cutting him off, "you survived a serial killer. You gave us clues to find you and kept fighting. That's what you did Reid. You have nothing to be sorry for."
"Accept not telling you the truth." He answers through a fresh onslaught of silent tears.
Hotch bites his lip, resisting every fatherly instinct he has in him to ensure they see this conversation through to the end.
"You made a mistake, under the influence of drugs you were injected with against your will." He settles, not wanting to remove all culpability since he'll need to learn from this.
Spencer keeps his head down sighing like he doesn't quite believe him, but the tears taper off so Hotch considers it as a win. They're both physically and emotionally exhausted, and studying the very sorry young man in front of him he sees it as unlikely they'll be able to solve all the issues outstanding between them tonight.
"When's the last time you slept?" Hotch asks lightly, thinking he may already know the answer.
Reid chuckles, the hysterical kind that often precedes a breakdown of some sort "Probably the last time I used the Dilaudid."
Mentioning the elephant in the room has Reid drawing in on himself, legs coming up to tuck neatly underneath his backside as he makes as small a target out of himself as possible.
Hotch does his best to act like he hasn't noticed and puts on a sad smile. "Well you may be the genius here, but I'm pretty sure the human body needs sleep to survive."
Reid's head suddenly lifts, his tone unbelievably normal as he settles into his usual speech patterns. "It's generally believed that the human body can go without food three times longer than it can go without sleep. Even though the exact length of time anyone can go without sleep hasn't been determined the record for the longest period without sleep is 18 days, 21 hours, 40 minutes. The record holder reported hallucinations, paranoia, blurred vision, slurred speech and memory and concentration lapses."
The spiel of random information is so comfortingly familiar Hotch is almost sad for it to end.
"And exactly how long have you been without?" He asks raising an eyebrow.
Reid looks all set to enthusiastically answer too, until he realises the point of the question.
"I've tried, but…" he drops the sentence, turning away managing to look embarrassed despite his already flushed cheeks from all the tears.
Believing he knows what's keeping Reid from achieving anything close to sleep Hotch strives to fix it. Pulling his tired body up from the floor Aaron collapses next to Reid on the couch with a weary sigh and pitching his head back against the cushions slips an arm under the kids back, pulling him roughly to his side hoping this not only communicates just how important he is to them - to him, but also allows both of them to get a decent nights rest.
"You have a nightmare feel free to wake me." Hotch tells him casually, making himself comfortable, knowing full well if the kid has a nightmare he'll be the first to know – likely alerted by a bony elbow to the gut.
"But... I've let you all down." Reid sniffs after a few deep breathes, relaxing into the hold and soothing quicker than Hotch would have thought possible considering the only other time he's held Reid like this was when he was already in the throes of a full blown breakdown and totally unaware of what was happening.
"No we let you down." Hotch opens his eyes and stares at the ceiling, hearing the truth in his own words. "I knew you were struggling. I should have helped you sooner."
"I didn't exactly give anyone the chance," Reid shrugs under his grip, but Hotch senses some hesitation.
"What?"
Looking over Hotch sees Reid's eyebrows draw together in a way Prentiss often calls his 'overthinking it' face. "It's nothing."
"Reid I think after tonight you can pretty much tell me anything." He quips, indicating their compromising position.
Spencer nods slowly against his chest and Hotch can tell he's weighing the truth in his words.
"When Raphael … when I knew I was dying I thought about you guys... that you would m-miss me..." Hotch feels the slim body tense under his grip and squeezes his shoulder, "...until I overheard you say you loved me I was beginning to think I'd been wrong."
The quiet gravelly and vulnerable voice is Hotch's undoing, he can't believe they let Reid think they didn't care, even if it was the drugs planting the initial seeds of doubt. Feeling the head rolling off his chest across his arm Hotch senses Spencer looking up at him expectantly. He wants answers. That's something they've all been short on of late, however because he knows he owes him at least this much, with a deep soul destroying sigh Hotch tries to give him one.
"I guess when bad things happen to people we care about it's easier to ignore the problem and hope it'll go away on its own. All anyone really wants is for things to go back to the way they were so they don't have to deal with it." He says wistfully, knowing that's exactly how he's been feeling since making the mistake of sending JJ and Reid into the field alone, while at the same time hoping Spencer isn't insulted by him over simplifying it.
"That's stupid." Reid blurts voice steady, as if they were sitting in the BAU briefing room not cuddled together on his couch.
Hotch is so drained he can't hold in the short laugh which bursts from his lips uncensored. Needless to say it isn't the reaction he'd been expecting.
"That's like wishing for a time machine." Reid continues indignantly, apparently unfazed by his reaction.
"Actually I think its called denial." Hotch quips, blaming the apparent refusal to understand his analogy on the many mitigating factors affecting his boy genius' intelligence right now. "What I'm saying is we care." He smiles softly this time, speaking plainly since Reid's determined to take whatever he says literally. "We all care, but we let our emotions cloud our judgement."
"It's easier to ignore something and pretend it never happened than admit the problem." Reid finally nods in shy understanding, going back to his original position resting his head against Hotch's chest. "Kind of like my mom after an episode. Maybe you're all schizophrenic." The little chuckle at the end indicates it's a joke and Aaron allows another small smile to grace his normally stoic features.
To Kid's the world is pretty black and white, there's good or bad, right or wrong and no in-between. It's a view point most grow out of, but not Spencer, five or twenty-five to him it's still the same way. He thinks logically, like everything's a puzzle to be solved. It takes time for him to grasp the meaning of anything that doesn't really make sense in his world. That isn't to say he can't recognise emotion in others, he has plenty of empathy even if he doesn't fully understand what to do with it. Reid was probably the first to notice something was up with Elle before she left. He remembers after the shooting Reid had come to him admitting his mistake in not telling someone else on the team, letting them talk to her instead. Hotch understood right then that Reid rarely ignores what's in front of him, even when he doesn't quite comprehend it. He hopes that includes what he's about to say next.
"Spencer," Hotch pauses, gathering emotional strength, "we let you down when you needed us most and for that I am truly sorry, but I want you to know something."
"What?" Reid asks sleepily, completely unawares as to where this conversation is heading.
"No matter what you think right now I love you, Morgan loves you, Gideon, JJ, Garcia, even Emily, we all love you and nothing you've done can ever change that," Keeping his arm wrapped around him Hotch pulls Reid in tighter, "I promise."
There's a moments pensive silence where he isn't sure what reaction to expect to this sudden outpouring, considering his usual M.O in these situations is to remain the strong, stoic silent type. Even though out of everyone on the team Hotch knows he's always been a little more demonstrative with Spencer that doesn't mean the kid's not going to be freaked by his sudden emotive sharing. But after another minute with no response Hotch gives in, lifting his head off the couch cushions he turns his head, directing his gaze downwards to look the kid in the eye.
And that's when he discovers exactly what his words have done.
….
Morgan stands in the kitchen doorway, watching the silent pair together on the couch. When he first left the room he'd stayed completely out of the way, but after ten minutes of it being way too quiet became curious. Another ten minutes and he was damn right near hyperventilating. He'd expected some shouting, from both Reid and Hotch. Though mainly Hotch, he had a feeling he needed him out of the way so when he raked the kid over the coals he'd have someone to run to for comfort, but sneaking up on the door, peaking inside the living room after a full forty-five minutes with barely a raised voice Morgan is both amused and pleasantly surprised with what he finds.
He's always believed Spencer's one true super power isn't his eidetic memory or his speed reading or the incredible IQ, it's his natural ability to get passed even the most hard edged of exteriors and have them bend to his will.
Morgan had known Hotch only a year longer than Reid, yet in that year he thought he had him pegged. He smiled rarely, but mainly outside the office. He loved his wife and his job, which he took extremely seriously. He was cool calm and collected in the face of any danger and when a political agenda arose he shot it down like John-goddam-Wayne, but probably most importantly of all he never took crap from anyone. That is until Spencer Reid joined the team.
That's not to accuse Reid of purposefully being a pain in the ass. He's just young and lacks experience - of anything. Morgan doesn't disagree with the more guiding hand Hotch uses with him on occasion. What he'd learned in that same first year about himself was that the job can make you jaded, to the point Derek was seeing everyone in his life as an unsub in waiting. Then Spencer comes along with his strange mannerisms and general all round weirdness and gives him a little hope. His existence proves that people can be strange without being a sociopath, psychopath or in a psychotic break. Deep down Morgan knows he knew that from the start, but being surrounded by a lot of the same alpha males and gun holding girls he had begun to suffer from narrow vision. Reid's unfathomable optimism actually rekindled his belief in humanity. Having Garcia join the team a few months later only doubled that belief.
Thinking of what his baby girl is going to make of all this has him troubled. They all love and want to protect each other, but none more so than Reid. It's that idea of innocence he projects, Garcia said as much to him at the Hankel farm. Morgan knows Reid is nowhere as innocent as he looks, even if that is hard to believe right now with their super tough drill sergeant of a Unit Chief cuddling him to sleep on his own living room couch.
"How the hell does he do it?" Morgan says quietly with a dry smile, placing a coffee on the table directly in front of Hotch.
"Do what?" Hotch says equally quiet, opening his eyes and feigning incomprehension.
Morgan smiles smugly, sitting down on the opposite couch, large hands wrapped tightly around his own coffee mug. "It's not going to be easy is it?" He says after a minute's pleasant silence, looking happy but serious.
"No," Hotch admits, looking down at Reid resting peacefully against his chest. "But we do whatever it takes."
They make eye contact, and a silent message passes between them. Morgan raises his mug just as Hotch leans carefully forward to grab his.
"Whatever it takes"
.
A/N:
(Sleep study ref: The national Sleep Research Project – 40 amazing facts about sleep . )