Ashes and Dust

Heading out to San Francisco Hotch was already feeling tired and emotionally drained thanks to their resident problem child, so he isn't surprised he lost some objectivity on this case. A case which from the beginning seemed to mirror the direction of his own life at the moment, one desperate situation presenting itself after another, all out of his control and completely unfair.

The night Reid admitted to his problem he fell to sleep right there on his sofa. He and Morgan stayed with him, drank plenty of coffee to stay awake expecting a nightmares, but none came and that's when Hotch knew he couldn't do this alone. Reid needed every one of them supporting him, and like he'd said to Morgan that night, 'whatever it takes.' Thankfully one very stern, uncompromising phone call from him was all it took for Jason to finally step back into the role of mentor, though Hotch can tell even now one foot is definitely still out the door. He understands it's not just about Reid, Gideon was already walking a fine line in regards to the job, has been since Boston. Reid's kidnapping, his death however temporary on his hands is just one more nail in his proverbial coffin. In reality there's not much more Hotch can do for him, they've come to blows several times in the last few days, mostly regarding Reid's presence at work while he's in withdrawal. Hotch is allowing him to continue traveling on cases, but only if he doesn't leave the police stations. Gideon's none too pleased with the restriction and that's put some unwelcomed distance between them, but filling the gap in leadership synchronicity has been Prentiss. Emily has stepped up, during this case especially, keeping both him and Reid on their toes. Though out of the loop of the whole story she knows something's going on and is clearly prepared to do whatever it takes to help them survive it. Something he could kiss her for quite frankly. Although he still isn't 100% sure how she got assigned to the BAU without his or Gideon's recommendation Hotch is unbelievably grateful she did, whatever god looks out for awkward, skinny child prodigies must have been working overtime that day.

As for Morgan, he's been staying with Reid again, ensuring he behaves while not under Hotch's watchful eye at work and, mostly importantly, takes his prescription on time. If the doctor's prognosis is correct he'll be weaned of the drug just outside of two months. It hadn't been easy getting him to go at first, his overall attitude being that he could do this without special help, but Hotch doesn't think he'll ever forget the look on Reid's face when the doctor frankly informed them that had he gone any longer without proper medical assistance the only outcome would have been his death and, as if that hadn't been enough to scare him, began listing in gruesome detail the various ways the body can shut down due to narcostics abuse. Remembering the conversation sends a chill up Hotch's spine even now.

Good news is although the withdrawal symptoms may last longer, they're at least manageable, bad news... Reid's taken a serious knock to his confidence and as a coping mechanism has regressed back to the painfully shy, nervous kid he was when he first joined the team, before he found his footing and became sure of their intentions. Luckily JJ and Garcia are helping him there, Penelope in particular being excellent at drawing him out of his closed off shell. They know about the updated report, but like Prentiss neither has been officially told about Reid's current issues with Dilaudid. That'll be up to Reid to share when he's ready. Hotch suspects they all already know of course, but are willing to give him the idea of control if nothing else.

The reminder of what great people he works with makes him smile, a smile that fades as soon as Hotch remembers the other situation causing him sleepless nights at the moment. Aside from Reid being a constant concern for him things with Haley are becoming strained. She's demanding more and more from him recently. Maybe it's the baby that's changed her attitude towards his chosen profession, but as much as he loves his family he cannot say he doesn't love his job any less and admitting that truth is what hurts the most. He thinks she's coming close to offering an ultimatum and needs to find a way to show her that it isn't going to be that simple. He can't walk away from his work family anymore than he could her and Jack.

Pushing those thoughts away for now, adding the last signiture to the PD's case file Hotch sits back with an air of finality. While the rest of the team are packing up their things at the hotel he's sitting alone in the precinct, waiting for JJ to close up with a final press conference to ensure the EDF don't get any backlash for Vincent Stiles crimes. Though technically the case was concluded with moderate success - they got the bastard - it isn't the outcome he'd been hoping for. But then maybe he was stupid for expecting it to end any other way. There were plenty of low moments during their search for the unsub even before Evan Abby decided to take matters into his own hands by taking his life. As if one man murdering entire families for kicks wasn't enough, Reid innocently comparing arsonists to drug addicts during the profile nearly sent Hotch over the edge very early on.

'Impossible to stop without help'

The submissive glance he'd given them after uttering those damning words, a look of desolation mixed with shy gratitude like none ever seen on the kid's young face before, it was both heart melting and heartbreaking. Coupled with everything else going on at the moment he'd wanted to give up and go home there and then.

Funnily enough now he can go home Hotch isn't sure he wants to. Not being in the best frame of mind should Haley want to talk to him. Feeling like banging his head against the table Hotch pushes the completed paper work to one side and picks up the letter Abby's charged him to deliver to his son. Why him he doesn't know. No that's a lie. He knows. Abby would have made a good profiler. He read Hotch as easily as any of his team. Identified with him, his current worries over Reid and the problems he has at home with Haley mirroring those with his own wife and son. Hotch knows his mistakes just as well as Abby knew his and strives everyday not to repeat them. Like he'd told Gideon when they were trying to plot his next move; he puts as much heart in soul into being a father and husband as he does into his job.

At least he tries to. Haley thinks it isn't enough. He's not sure what will be.

Reid is learning from his mistakes too and Hotch intends to be there for him as much as he can be, like he's there for Jack as much as he can be. It's just a crying shame he can't be there always - for both of them.

As he's contemplating his general worth as a father, like Abby would have done in his final moments, Reid slips into the empty chair opposite. He's the last person Hotch expected to see here right now, and not only because he's supposed be with the others at the hotel. Ever since that team dynamic-changing night at his house Reid has been trying to rebuild what professional boundaries they had in place before Tobias Hankel, in an effort to achieve something only he can explain. Hotch knows he should call him out it before the avoiding behaviour goes too far, but between home and work, Reid's embarrassment over recent events is rather low on his list of problems to solve right now.

"Did you want something?" Hotch asks after too long a silence, without taking his eyes off the letter.

"You're a good father." Reid speaks slightly awkwardly.

His voice is quiet, almost childlike and looking up Hotch blinks like he's breaking out of a deep sleep.

"What?" He asks, not to challenge, but to double check what he just heard.

"You're a good father," Reid repeats, arms coming up to rest on the table forming a barrier between them. "You're doing the best you can. You're not giving up. You never give up."

The sentence is disjointed and unusually simple for Spencer, but the passion is real and in direct contrast to the hunched shoulders, lack of eye contact and defensive arm position, which all point to someone trying to conceal their true feelings. Its actually classic Reid in distress behaviour tnough and Hotch wonders, not for the first time since their ordeal began, if he'll ever overcome this ingrained vulnerability.

"Sometimes best is not good enough." Hotch says solemnly in answer, only thinking his best, not anyone else's.

"But in the end that's all anyone can ask." Reid says equally solemn, like he has some experience of the subject.

Studying him with narrowed eyes Hotch, trying to make sense of this surreal conversation, watches what little eye contact they've managed drop away and not being in the mood for games prepares to order Reid to wait for him and JJ in the SUV. Then he remembers a conversation over beer and Thai food. After the Fisher King, when Morgan found out about Reid's mother, the team friendlily forced him to explain a few things. Hotch has known about his mother since before he joined the BAU. He had not known the status of his father until that day.

"Do you think your dad did his best?"

It isn't a question Hotch planned on asking, doesn't know it's coming until it leaves his mouth but he needs to know how Jack might see him in years to come, as a young man like Spencer. Reid may have way more issues, burdened with too many responsibilities a child should never have taken on, but at his core he knows how it feels to grow up with an absent father.

"The day my dad left, my mom asked him to take me with him," Reid must have clocked his look of surprise because he hastens to add. "Just for a little while. She didn't want to be sick, she wanted to get better."

"What happened?" Hotch doesn't comment on the obvious. You manage schizophrenia, you don't get better.

"He refused." Reid shrugs, unable to sit still all of a sudden, "sent me a letter a week later explaining why he thought it was for the best. Said goodbye. I never saw him again. Don't even know where he lives."

The words are spoken lightly, but Hotch can hear a world in hurt in them, poor kids clearly never understood why his dad didn't want him. Then again, thinking of Jack in the same position he can't understand it either.

"Spencer," Hotch sighs, unable to keep the look of pity off his face.

"I know I'm an FBI agent," he hastens to add. "I can track him down. I don't need to. He made it clear he wasn't going to be my dad anymore and that was his choice. He wasn't willing to do his best no matter what." Reid stops fidgeting and looks at him pointedly on those last words.

Maintaining the only eye contact Reid's managed through their entire conversation Hotch falls back in his seat with a thunk. Touched and warmed by the sentiment.

It's true he whole heartedly sympathised with Evan Abby's situation, his family issues and the cancer. Hotch has never been a fan of talking about the past and includes his abusive father in that, but whether it's a dad that knocks you around like his or one that abandons you like Reid's, dads are dads at the end of the day and no matter Abby's mistakes he was only trying to do better.

Unlike Reid's dad who couldn't and Abby who didn't until it was too late, Hotch knows he is still trying to do his best every day and that, apparently, is what matters most. Aaron smiles softly at Spencer who shyly smiles back. Hopefully if he's lucky, in twenty years Jack will see it the exact same way.