In Name and Blood
"You'll do anything to be the perfect child."
"What?" Reid jumps in his seat, looking up from the book he's holding open but most definitely not reading.
Hotch shakes his head, dismissing the question as squeezes the kid's shoulder, "You okay?"
"I'm okay," Reid puts the book down on the jets small table, pushing it to the side dismissing it as if it never existed. "I'm still worried about Gideon."
Hotch ignores that, he doesn't want to say something that will only cause more upset despite feeling like Gideon may well be gone for good. Looking down at Reid, earnest wide eyes begging him for answers, he remembers their conversation from a few months ago over Evan Abby's letter and Hotch knows it's time to return that favour.
"You know we all bring something of ourselves into this job, into the profiles." He pauses, sliding into the seat opposite. "I know when you said the kid wasn't a problem child, that he would care about being on time for school, not the dad, that you were talking from experience."
Reid smiles sadly, averting his gaze. "Teachers tend to notice bad behaviour and look for a cause. Good behaviour's rarely questioned. Despite her illness I did everything I could to avoid being taken away from my mom. And I thought this boy might feel the same way. His dad was all he had left, like me and my mom it wasn't ideal but-" Reid shrugs, as if that explains everything.
"He was his dad and he loved him regardless of what he was doing."
"I guess kids aren't exactly logical." Reid shrugs again shyly, the repetitive action making him look twitchy.
"No they certainly aren't." Hotch says with a fond smile.
They stare at each other for a long time. Reid looks away first, a secret shared between them. Hotch isn't worried. He's planted the seed of trust now all he can do is wait for it to grow. He stands and starts walking back to his own seat, but pauses by Reid's side.
"I know it's not been easy with everything that's happened in the last eight months, but with how far you've come against so many odds, I want you to know… I am and always have been very proud of you Spencer."
...
Reid wakes up suddenly in a panic palms' grabbing the arm rests in a death grip. The click of the trigger as it ejects its empty round repeats a few more times in his mind forcing him up on his feet. Heart beating nearly out his chest Reid scans the jet seeking out someone, anyone. His eyes land on Hotch first, sitting alone in the seats nearest the small couch he normally sleeps on. Without missing a beat Reid shuffles down the aisle slipping into the spare seat next to him without a word. Hotch turns to look at him in surprise and Reid realises this hasn't happened in a long while.
Ever since he spilled his secret he's tried to get things back to normal. Staying with Morgan had made that goal difficult at first, but they eventually talked it through and… well it helped, things between them were fairly routine again. Unfortunately the same couldn't be said for the rest of the team. Even though Hotch had been so nice to him his embarrassment won out and whenever they were in the office or on a case Reid found himself unable to look at him without remembering all the shouting, tears and hugs. It was only on the jet, the night flights especially that he didn't care about any of that. Something about the solitude changed everything and it suddenly felt okay to need, to want comfort. After a nightmare like the one he'd just had his desire to cope alone dissipates, all he wants is to feel safe again and Reid knows there's only one true, tried and tested way he can get that. So far Hotch has obliged every time.
This time however he looks at him and Reid's a little unsure of his welcome considering the team changes in the last few weeks, even though Hotch said long ago it would always be okay no matter what.
"Reid, you okay?"
He must have been staring to have that questioned asked. Can't answer though, so he looks down at the table pulling his shaking hands inside his sleeve cuffs to hide the tremors, unfortunately it doesn't stop the shivers being visible all over his body. Reid says nothing, but Hotch seems to get the message and makes room for him at his side. Spencer ducks under the raised arm and instantly presses up against his side, his resolve to keep things normal having no more life left in it than a carnival goldfish. Reid knows it's stupid, but the hold instantly chases the demons away. The sound of the gun fades the second the warmth from Hotch's body transfers to his and somehow knowing he isn't alone makes his fears disappear. Even as weak as he feels right now he knows he isn't yet ready to face these moments alone.
…
Emily walks down the aisle of the jet having watched Reid wake up looking disturbed. She'd been sitting in the far corner opposite ready to offer a friendly ear, but before she could even ask if he's okay Reid was up, heading towards the rear of the jet. Even in the dim lighting Spencer looks pale, the dark circles around his eyes indicating peaceful sleep has been eluding him a lot recently. Now seeing him settled next to Hotch, eyes shut, breathing calm and under control again she realises something.
"How you doing?" she asks softly, sliding into the opposite seat.
Emily watches him scan the rest of the jet for ease droppers before answering.
"I'm fine. You?" He indicates the cut on her head with his one free hand.
"Oh, you know, headache makes it difficult to sleep." She chuckles.
They drop into silence and Emily finds herself staring at the pair sitting before her.
"You think he'd be better off if I make him deal with it alone." Hotch reads her mind.
She frowns at being caught. It isn't really a question; his tone suggests he's testing her. So thinking it through instead of arguing or answering Emily processes what's happened on this and the few other cases she's noticed Reid wake up from a nightmare and immediately seek out Hotch.
"No," Emily surprises herself, "you know he'll sleep better this way."
Hotch nods, acknowledging but not really explaining how he came to that conclusion. Though Emily can guess. Reid isn't exactly the alpha male type, when he tries to hide his feelings from them it isn't out of pride, it's out of fear. Fear of them thinking less of him. There's nothing like going through something like he did with Hankel, knowing your friends have seen you suffer, witnessed your tears and having to carry on like everyone hasn't seen you at your most vulnerable. He's the baby of the team and always will be, but even the baby has to grow up and that's hard when everyone around you never sees you as anything different.
Emily stares at Hotch before directing her gaze back to Reid, accepting that getting him to say anything out right is a long shot at best. "You really don't want to leave do you?"
"Neither do you." He calmly shoots back.
"Oh I'm staying. No matter what Strauss says." She smiles cunningly, keeping her voice low so the sleeping section chief doesn't hear her.
"I have some things to sort out." Hotch nods, voiced pitched equally low.
While not definitive, it's more of an answer than Emily could have hoped for. "So long as you know, you don't have to do this alone."
Reid coughs in his sleep, interrupting any reply Hotch might have made, jerking his hands and making a distressed sound. Emily sits up straighter, ready to assist where necessary because she knows what it will feel like when he wakes up. Being alive, surviving is one thing, but carrying on after a traumatic event is the hardest. The nightmares fade but the memory of the experience never goes away, and for someone like Reid she can't imagine how hard that must be. However despite her preparations Hotch is just as prepared. Like it's nothing Hotch rests his palm over Reid's and squeezes gently until he relaxes, leaving his hand where it is as if it's completely normal. Reid's frown eventually smooth's and he drifts back into a dreamless REM sleep.
"I didn't just come off a desk job," she announces out of the blue, answering the unasked question from all those months ago.
The trust she sees here between these two usually close off personalities convinces her to be open for once. To not be so defensive. To unconditionally believe that whatever she says she can say freely and without judgement.
"You were stationed overseas for a while?" Hotch doesn't miss a beat, not even fazed by the conversational 180.
"Yes" she answers nervously, suspecting he already knows more than she can tell him anyway and had been waiting for an opportunity just like this, "I was involved in several projects."
Emily holds her breath, she can't exactly come out and say 'oh hey, I worked undercover for the CIA' but at the same time she hopes Hotch understands it isn't because she doesn't want to. It's called a clandestine agency for a reason after all.
Hotch nods, even smiles, and they both relax. Whatever he reads in her face and body language apparently her willingness to offer the information is enough. Before anything more can be said to close the conversation for good Reid turns in his sleep, nose pressing against Hotch's neck. He laughs quietly, obviously touched, but if she's not mistaken also a little embarrassed by the gesture. Sure they're two very different people on the surface, yet anyone could be forgiven for thinking they share a familial relationship simply by observing their interactions.
Releasing a long held breath Emily relaxes. Things maybe not go completely back to normal, how they were before Hankel. Relationships have shifted, but from what she can see the team has only grown closer, not apart. Whatever dark clouds have been plaguing them recently, as the weeks have drawn on it feels as if those clouds have lifted and suddenly everything seems brighter. Emily is going to do her best to ensure it stays that way.