A/N: Randomness galore.

"Yo, yo, yo! England! What's happenen' my brutha! I was just chillin' at da park with my peeps when suddenly that crazy-white guy Lithuania comes up to me talkin' smack about some'in goin' down at the beach!"

"Whazat! Naw. I mean, America's gota slap-happy new hamburger. But 'sides that ain't nothing happen' up in this joint."

"A slap-happy new hamburger you say! Ya dawg, maybe not all that what Lithuania was talkin' 'bout but it's still the shiz man!"

"Ah, whatever man."

"Yo, yo, yo! What it is mother-!"

"Ahh crap. Here comes America."

Poland snorted as he watched England make a face at America's sudden appearance. He would have giggled, but it's just not gangsta to giggle.

"Oh yeah! And I'm pimpin' in da hood with this hamburger! It's the shiz homies!"

America placed an arm around England as he gave the pimpin hamburger a swing to the side.

"Yo America! What's the deal man? England's MINE! Don't you go drapin' your arm 'round him!" No one touched Poland's property.

Then America, Poland and England woke up and found England's beloved island beginning to tilt.

"I didn't know this was Final Fantasy." Poland said.

"It's a Japanese TV show with personified countries, technically making it a giant historical fan fiction." England shrugged. "Who cares?"

"Come with me!" A giant disembodied head was floating above the island.

"Why?" America asked.

"Don't ask questions!" The floating head zapped him with lighting and he died. "Now I'm takin' you mah bois!"

Then England and Poland landed on a ship. For some reason England was wearing a dress don't question the author.

"Who was that and why am I wearing a dress?" England asked.

"That was the king from the 80s Legend of Zelda cartoon." Poland said.

England blinked. "I thought we were banned from 4Kids."

"We are." Poland shrugged. "According to the author, that is. I'm pretty sure she made that up. Where are we?"

"The Skyward Sword Titanic." Someone said.

"Hey! Come here you rat!"

"Gotta go!" The man ran.

"Was that Aladdin?" England asked.

"Naw he was too white."

"But he had a monkey."

"It was Harry Potter."

"Who?"

"A geeky boy who finds out he's a powerful wizard destined to defeat a powerful bad guy with no nose that eventually spawned seven books and eight movies but somehow was over shadowed by a story about vampires that also spawned 4 books and 5 movies." Poland stated simply as if it were totally obvious.

"Hey." Someone whispered.

"Who are you?" England asked.

"MAH BOIS!" King said throwing off the cloak of invisibility that he stole from Waldo "You is on a magical floating island!"

"Uhh… Aladdin said it was a ship…" England sweat dropped.

"Michael Jackson is a liar and he's tryin to get in yo pants!" King shouted. "Or skirt."

Suddenly the ship hit something.

"Oh no an iceberg!" Some chick screamed. So the King exploded her.

"Dat was a Narwhal! We gonna die!" King shouted, screaming like a cow.

"Hey! Shut up!" Then the captain got boomed.

"Poland! Call your ponies!" England shouted. "Poland?" There was a note on the ground.

'Off to convince 4Kids to dub Hetalia. - Poland'

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" England wailed. "You'll ruin the entire series!"

"Jack I love you!"

'Don't let go Rose. Don't let go!"

England watched as Rose shoved Jack off the drift wood.

"Don't worry! You'll wake up in Inception!" Rose shouted.

"What!" Jack shouted.

Suddenly England realized he was in the water… "CRAP ITS COLD!"

"Hey."

"FOR THE LOVE OF MY MOMSIE'S SCONES!" England groaned.

"I'm the king Narwhal!"

Then the narwhal stabbed England and Tinker Bell threw glitter and England became the queen Narwhal.

Then James Camron made a ton of money for retelling Pocahontas with the Thundercats.

Voldemort got a nose and we all died because it was 2012 and all the continents are all huge islands that tilted upside down except for Australia because it was actually 4 turtles under the control of the Hollywood wizard.

England had recently gotten new marble tiles installed in his bathroom. It was nothing to really be amazed about, but Poland had insisted on seeing this new floor. So England lead Poland up to the bathroom.

"You see," he said, opening the door. "It's nothing special, the floor's just white now, that's all."

Poland's eyes grazed along the floor, marvelling at the alabaster marble expanse. "Oh wow," he breathed. Dropping to his knees, Poland gently ran his fingertips tentatively over his hard smooth lover.

"Um...Poland?" England said from above.

Screw England, Poland thought as he rubbed himself along the marble flooring. "I need you," he whispered passionately. Poland rose up and, without a fragment of shyness, began to strip.

England's eyes nearly left his head. "P-POLAND!? What are you DOING?!"

"Shush, England," Poland murmured. "My lover needs her time."

Trying very hard not to look down there, England just stared at his friend, torn between making him stop and just forgetting he ever saw this.

The latter won.

"I'm leaving. You have-" England choked and made a mental note to never ever tell Lithuania about this. He was about to say "fun," but he just couldn't bear it. Instead he just closed the door and started walking down the hall.

God forbid that he encouraged him.

Suddenly England took a now fully clothed Poland to court.

"I find you... Guilty! And do you know why? Because I said so! Mwahahahahahaha!" And the Queen of Hearts conducted a small victory tap dance at which Poland stared disapprovingly.

"OOOOOOOOOOOBJECTION!" Yelled Poland, pointing dramatically as his hair was conveniently swept by the wind to emphasise his point.
The court gasped in shock at Poland's objection, the ace of clubs fainted.

"This is madness!" Exclaimed England.

"No. This. Is. WONDERLAAAAAAAAND!" screeched that guy from 300.
The court gasped at the overused reference and the fact that the author does not know the name of the man from 300, the 2 of clubs fainted.

"What proof do you have?" demanded the Queen.

"I'm not saying a word until my lawyer gets here," Said Poland, folding his arms stubbornly and closing his eyes like people do when refusing to do things.

"Very well... But you cannot win this case!"

"Oh, I have a veeeeeeery good lawyer."

"Oh, rly?"

"Yeah, rly."

"Oh, OK."

"His name is Bob the Destroyer Lawyer."
As if on cue, a robot four times the size of England marched in, a large mechanical clang as he walked. He left large dents in the ground every time he walked. At this moment, Mr Resetti from Animal Crossing popped out from the ground annoyingly and, shaking his pick axe like a maraca, screamed,

"I DEMAND COMPENSATION!"
The court gasped at the obvious copyright infringement, the 3 of clubs fainted. Mr Resetti popped back into the ground and left to go nag at some uninterested players of Animal Crossing because he is a lonely, sad person... I mean mole.

"I. Say. Poland. Is. Not. Guilty. Because. You. Have. No. Evidence. Whatsoever. Wat'cha. Gonna. Do. About. It? Ha. De. Ha. Ha," And Bob the Destroyer Lawyer conducted a small victory tap dance, to which Poland gave a standing ovation.

However, the Queen grew jealous because the court liked Bob the Destroyer Lawyer's tap dancing better than hers, and decided to have his head chopped off.

"Off with his robotic head!" She screeched like a banshee, unfortunately, everyone else was too enthralled by Bob the Destroyer Lawyer's funky tap dancing and couldn't hear her over the cheering, "I SAID OFF WITH HIS HEAD!" The queen grew as red as a tomato thrown at a fire engine that had crashed into a ketchup factory that had sunken into the red sea, because everyone was still ignoring her.

Bob the Destroyer Lawyer had now progressed into a fantastic Gangnam Style that the whole court joined and started a flash mob, travelling all the way back to Victorian London, England's home. All except the Queen of Hearts, who went to sulk in the Emo Corner and write poetry until her fingers bled.

THE END

Poland pursued a fantastic career in law.

Bob the Destroyer Lawyer conquered Britain's Got Talent with his funky moves and won the hearts of the kingdom. (Pun intended, even if it wasn't very good.)

England saw a therapist about his stress disorder and scone poisoning addiction, he straightened up his life and started a charity for people with manic depression and wrote a successful auto biography.

The Queen of Hearts became an emo and started a band called The Painted Roses. They were not successful as the Queen beheaded her producer.