Once upon a time there lived a little girl-
"BOY!" Australia shouted, "I'm a BOY!"
Ahem. As I was saying. Once upon a time, there lived a little boy... Is that better?
Australia nodded firmly, "Good. Keep going."
-A little boy in a city called Sydney who was the prettiest-
Lifting a fist, Australia shook it, "Now wait a moment, Boys can't be PRETTY!"
Shut UP! They can if they're Bishonen! AS I was SAYING! ...what was I saying? Oh. Here we are: A boy in a city called Sydney who was the prettiest Bishonen ever seen... Though not really, because I mean honestly, if there were a contest of like him, and Austria, and Sweden, and France, and maybe throw Germany in there for kicks, I'd have to vote for Sweden, and close second on France.
"HEY!" Australia shouted, "Either quit with the stupidity and get on with the narration or just quit it entirely!"
Hey! You hurt my feelings! I'm not gonna be nice to you now!
Smirking, Australia replied, "Yeah right, mate, you love me!"
You'll see...
Anyway...
So our hero, Australia, was the prettiest Bishonen in the town, only because Germany lived outside of the city limits and France was shacking with Spain over in Barcelona and hiding the fact from Sweden who still thought he had a chance with Finland in Pink, but that's for another story...
Australia's mother was very obsessive about his hair, spending hours every morning to make sure it spiked just right, and his grandmother doted upon his large green eyes. As a gift for Australia's latest birthday, she had adoringly hand crafted a bright red jacket with a hood for her grandson Australia because he just looked so dashing in red. And because red also happened to be his favourite color, Australia gladly wore the jacket- but only after he'd washed the old person smell out of the fabric.
One day, Australia's mother made some cakes- and extra because she knew that Australia would snitch from the basket, and said, "Aussie, be a dear and run these over to your grandmother? She's been sick lately and I'm sure she'd love to have you over for a visit!"
Australia grinned, "Sure mom!" and so he took the basket of cakes and snitched one just as he was heading out the door.
"Aussie!" his mother called, "You watch out for the wolves. I heard there was one lurking around town lately. It might try to snatch you up and eat you!"
Smirking, Australia ignored his mother, because well, what was one wolf against an Outback Wildlife Master anyway? Besides, this was a Fanfic, written by a demented authoress who has a slight leaning towards Danishes and Australia figured the wolf was probably New Zealand and he could defeat New Zealand hands down. "Hey, maybe I'll get some in this fic?" Australia muttered around his cake with a catty smile. "Though," the thought did happen to occur to him, "The wolf could be Wy, and that's just not my style."
Lost in his thoughts, Australia wandered down the road, heading further inland because his Grandmother was a weirdo and thought the beach was covered in oil spills and didn't want to expose her wrinkly skin to the sun because she might get burned. As a result, the old woman was about translucent and Australia thought she rather looked like a cave cricket. You know... one of the white ones with the really- really bulging buggy eyes. Anyway, her house was in the middle of the island in the grove of trees that everyone called a forest, but was really little more than a stand of about fifteen hundred-year old pine trees and an oak, which he suspected was the same age as his grandmother, and perhaps even related, for when the oak lost its leaves, the branches looked just like her fingers.
Yeah, he didn't much like his grandmother, but she gave him cash whenever he visited, bribing him to come visit more often.
Australia pulled another cake from his basket as he trotted along, looking ahead to see that he'd already passed the last few houses of the town and was now entering that hilly stretch of unpaved path that led to his grandmother's creepy house, which looked rather like a shack made of candy. When he'd been little, his mother had read him the tale about Hansel and Gretel and how they'd gotten cooked and eaten by an old woman who lived in a candy shack, and even today, Australia still got the willies looking at the place, imagining that one day, his grandmother would ask him to clean her gigantic stove because she couldn't reach the back of it without throwing out her spine or something loony like that.
In any case, Australia was pulled from his thoughts by the figure of a person in a wolf costume.
Stopping in his tracks, Australia stared, mouth falling open as he just gaped at him.
Austria lifted his hands and adjusted the headband with wolf ears, then looked down to fluff the fur on his wolf-hair top he wore. Around his hips, he wore wolf fur pants, attached to which was a wolf tail, which swung behind him with every movement. He was one hot Big Bad Wolf.
"Oh!" Austria blinked, looking up and spotting Australia. Lifting a hand, which was covered by a paw glove, Austria waved grumpily, "Hey Australia."
"Uh... Author- you're kidding right?" Australia turned and looked up at the sky. "I thought this was... HOW can I defeat the Big Bad Wolf if he's Austria!"
Mwahahahaha! That's what you get for hurting my feelings. You're on your own! Sucker!
"Then again, maybe I'll just forget grandma?"
Absolutely not!
Thumping his hands on his hips, Australia demanded, "Why not?"
Because. I said so! And I am GOD! ...at least for the time being.
A crack of lightning shot to the ground and Australia leapt away, shrieking. Austria wandered up to stand beside him and peered at the smoking hole, "Hm, maybe you shouldn't harass the Author, Australia?" he offered huffily.
"So cute!" The Aussie wheezed.
"Huh?"
Flushing pink, Australia shook his head quickly, "Oh, uh! Nothing! Anyway, where were we in the script? Oh, right. Um. I meet the Big Bad Wolf."
Austria rolled his eyes and said his line, "Hey Australia. Where are you going?"
"Why, I'm going to grandma's. You want a cake?" Australia immediately offered one.
Eyes widening, Austria pulled off his gloves and took the cake, "Yes, thank you." he gave a small smile and nibbled the cake. "So- uh, you know. You never told me anything about your grandma, Australia. Does she live far off?"
Screwing his face, Australia looked off towards the distant trees. "Not really that far. Just five minutes from here, in the woods. But seriously, you don't want to see her, she's like albino and creepy."
Smiling, Austria suggested, "Oh, I have an idea! Let's race to see who gets there first!"
Unable to resist the challenge, Australia grinned, "You're on!" With that, he took off, and Austria watched, nibbling his cake as Australia tripped on a rock and fell head-first into a Plot Hole that sprang out of nowhere and swallowed him - shrieking like a little Japanese school girl in a tentacle Hentai show.
Take your time, dear.
"Danke," Austria nodded towards the sky.
Kein Problem!
Finishing his cake, Austria dusted his hands off on his shirt, pulled his gloves on, and started walking towards Australia's grandmother's house. Not more than five minutes later, he arrived at the shack, which did indeed look a lot like that witch's house from the Hansel and Gretel story. Shaking off the creepy feeling he got from staring at the candy cane fence posts, Austria pushed past the gingerbread gate and walked down the powdered sugar driveway to Grandma's front door and knocked politely.
"Who is it!" crooned a crone's voice from inside.
"It's me," Austria said, "Australia's friend Austria. I came to visit you!"
"Australia has friends? How darling! Come in, sweetie!" the crone called from inside.
Unnerved, Austria gingerly pushed open the honey covered door and stepped in, looking around. He found himself in a small foyer that was a lot larger than what Austria had thought the dimensions of the house were from the outside. To his right was a spacious living room, and to the left, a dining room. "Over here, my dear!" the crone called from the area of the dining room and Austria stepped in, peeking around the corner to find Rome crouching in front of the stove, staring at it with rabid fascination.
"Wait... you're Australia's grandma?" Austria asked, pointing with his sticky paw-glove since he didn't have fingers at the moment.
Rome turned partially and blinked, "No. I'm dating Australia's grandma. She makes the best cookies after all."
Pursing his lips, Austria paused, "Well, um. Do you mind if I eat Australia's Grandma?" he asked politely, kicking his foot out behind his as he rubbed his giant paw-gloves together in front of him. "It's part of the plot."
"Aw..." Rome stared. "Fine. As long as you give her back after the fic."
Austria gave a curt nod. "Okay."
"But don't eat her till the cookies are done!" Rome requested.
"Oh, sure, the author gave me all the time I'd need."
Back in the dimension of the Plot Hole Australia fell into...
"I did NOT shriek like a little Japanese school girl!" Australia shouted, flailing his arms as he floated in the black depths of the Plot Hole. Various strange objects floated past him, things like left socks and spare car keys, those pennies you leave in your pocket when you put them through the wash and never see again- all sorts of useful items that disappear from one place and appear in another completely at random. And of course, there were amorphous shapes that were supposed to be plot devices that never quite worked out the way they were supposed to and in the end got chucked, but their removal leaves a large space in the plot that never quite gets filled or explained.
Yes, this was the realm Australia was floating in, sitting cross-legged on nothing, munching another cake. "Look, author! I'm sorry for hurting your feelings. You can narrate all you want!"
It's too late now, the Fic is half finished!
"You're vindictive," the Aussie muttered.
You bet your square-shaped heart I am!
"S-square-shaped?" Australia squawked and flailed. "What the heck do you mean by that?"
Exactly what I said! Your heart is square-shaped. Before this fic started, I took your heart out and replaced it with a square one.
Turning gray, then slightly green, Australia swallowed, "Creepy." He crossed his arms and pouted.
Teehee...
Now, back to the Plot Line.
Austria sipped the last of his milk and set the glass down, "So then I saved France from the tower, and he wanted me to give him his bald cap which explained my recent hair loss because the author was fooling around at a yogurt shop or something and didn't catch up till after Hero America disappeared..."
Ahhem!
Blinking, Austria looked up, "Oh, right! Excuse me." Clapping his hands together, Austria put his game face on, "The author wants to get on with the fic now. So, Rome, if you'd please come back in an hour?"
Standing from his chair and wiping cookie crumbs from his lips, the former empire nodded sagely. "Of course! Good bye for now!" With that, he puffed away in a cloud of smoke and Austria turned towards Australia's Grandma and...
In a puff of smoke, Australia landed on the grass in front of Grandma's slightly opened gingerbread gate and slowly picked himself up, dusting the grass off his clothes. Peering up at the sky, he frowned, "Geez! You kept me in there for hours, author!"
Picking up his basket, Australia glowered and stalked over to the gate and stepped through it. "I wish Grandma would just get some white rocks or something instead of powdered sugar! She's always griping about how I track it all over the house."
Stepping onto the front porch, Australia tried to kick some of the powder off the bottoms of his shoes before ringing the doorbell. He knew better than to knock since the door was covered in honey and he already knew Austria had been there because there was sticky gray fake wolf-fur all over the door and knob.
"Who's there?" Austria called from within, not even bothering to change his voice because he knew he couldn't do it convincingly anyway. The giggle at the end was completely unnecessary; however, it caused Australia to swoon pathetically.
"It's me, Australia."
"Man! You're late! I need to get home soon or Hungary will have a fit!" Austria complained, "Come in!"
Wrinkling his nose at the sticky knob, Australia carefully turned it and pushed the door open, licking his fingers clean as he stepped in. The smell of fresh baked cookies hit him in the face and he turned immediately, heading to the kitchen, hunting for the cookie jar. "If you're looking for the cookies, there aren't any left!" Austria called from another room.
"AW! You didn't save any for me?" Australia whined and turned away from his hunt through the kitchen.
Austria shouted back, "No, because I know there aren't any cakes left!"
Pausing, Australia looked into his basket and winced, "Well- It's the author's fault for keeping me in that Plot Hole so long!"
Only inarticulate grumbling answered that comment, and Australia headed down the front hall towards his grandma's bedroom. Pushing the door opened, he stopped in his tracks, blinking as Austria yanked a robe around himself.
"EEK! Knock would you?" he demanded and turned, hopping into his grandma's bed where he carefully arranged himself across the frilly white silk and lace sheets. "Okay. I'm ready now!"
Australia just stood there gaping.
Your LINES Australia.. Or have you forgotten them?
"Er..." he squeaked, staring at the frilly blue thing Austria was wearing. Even if the thing covered more skin than his bathing suit did, Australia couldn't stop staring.
Australia...
"Er... uh... what...what big uh..."
"All the better to see you with my dear," Austria finished.
"Uh-huh," Australia nodded stupidly as Austria wiggled his toes and propped himself up on his elbows. "Uh- what... uh. Um..."
"All the better to hear you with my dear," Austria sighed in exasperation.
"Uh-huh..." Australia mumbled, "Wow..."
"Wow?" demanded a new voice and Wy stomped in, grabbing Australia by the scruff of the neck, dragging him across the room, "He's presented with a mostly naked Austria and all he can say is Wow? What a complete retard! Maybe its better he doesn't get some. His offspring would degrade the gene pool." With that, Wy shoved Australia's head forwards to meet with Austria's lips.
While Austria blushed to the roots of his hair, Australia flailed only briefly as he was swallowed whole by Austria, and how he fit an entire man in his mouth we'll never know. However, the real question is how he manages to not get fat on a steady diet of Bishonen.
And the moral of this story is: ... I really don't know what the moral is.
Austria, dressed once again, spoke "I know! The moral is to not tick off the author, for she is vindictive and has mighty Author Powers that should not be trifled with."
Why... Yes. That sounds like a good moral!
The End!
"Wait!" Australia howled, his voice echoing strangely. "How can you end it like that!"
You got eaten! How else can I end it?
"Uh... Cast New Zealand as the Woodsman?" Australia suggested.
"Nuh-uh," New Zealand stated popping his head in through the door, "I couldn't chop Austria up any more than you could!"
"Wy?" Australia whimpered pleadingly.
New Zealand shook his head, "She's run away to Vegas with Seborga for their honeymoon just now and won't be back for two weeks. Sorry mate."
Hehe...
The End!