An: This chapter turned out so long but I couldn't leave much stuff out! I hope you enjoy this chapter anyways :)

They had agreed to travel together for a few days before Tuli would turn back and head back to Iron Hills. The next day was agony for Kili, as he hadn't slept during the previous night thanks to the long nap last day, but somehow he managed to stay awake. Tuli had taken his pony because of her aching ankle, and the walking helped Kili to keep his eyes open.

It was a hot day, and they had both taken off their jackets. Kili's short-sleeved shirt he had gotten from Michel was comfy and made out of thin material, and even though his feet felt like they'd melt inside his thick boots, he really enjoyed the warmth. It wasn't really summer yet and it was that warm - he was pretty sure that the summer would be hot, and he didn't mind. Not in the slightest.

Kili stretched his arms out, trying to shake off some of his exhaustion, when he noticed his mostly faded scars once again.

"Don't"- a shaky plead from the dwarf. Pain in his arm as Gwaen twists it. The elf mutters something in elvish - an angry glimmer in his eyes that makes Kili's heart race even faster. "What are you doing?" a helpless yell as Gwaen doesn't let go, only twists harder. Then he falls onto the ground, his back hits a root - that something in Gwaen's eyes makes Kili really scared - Gwaen grabs Kili again, drags him away from the others, Kili struggles. Then the dagger, burning pain -

He could feel his heart racing again as the memory hit him. Quickly he shook it off, taking a deep breath in - it's gone, it's past, it wouldn't happen again. Never again.

"Hey, Kili, are you okay?" Tuli suddenly asked, and Kili looked up to her only to see her glancing down at him with a worried expression on her face.

"I'm fine", Kili replied, sighing. "Just an.. unpleasant memory. That's all."

Tuli rolled her eyes, making a frustrated noise that Kili recognized well. She used to make that noise a lot back when he was little - whenever he did something he wasn't supposed to, and that was often, Tuli would catch him and make that frustrated little sigh. It caused Kili to grin.

"What's up with you, Kili?" Tuli asked, her voice demanding and somehow strict, but also very caring. "Hm? You can't just expect me to see you drift off and then awake from your thoughts in near panic and not want any explanations. Start telling me, boy. If you wish, I won't tell anyone. Not even Fili or your uncle." A little pause. "I just need to know what happened", she added, this time in a little friendlier tone.

"I don't-"

"Stop right there", Tuli cut Kili off. "No I don't's. You will tell me what's going on, Kili, it can't be so bad that I shouldn't know about it."

Kili stared at the ground as he walked forward next to the pony and Tuli. He hadn't yet decided whether or not he would tell anyone about what had happened - it was complicated, really. He knew that everyone deserved to know the truth, but he also knew that if Thorin -or Fili or his mother or Daín or anyone- knew the truth, they'd march right away to Mirkwood and start a fight, and nobody needed that. Most likely dwarves would die, their relationship with elves would worsen, and innocent elves like Aíthon and Úron could lose their lives. He didn't want any of that to happen.

And that was why he just wasn't sure.

As Kili didn't answer immediately, Tuli spoke again. "I mean it. I swear, Kili, I will not tell anyone if you so wish."

With a sigh, Kili nodded a little hesitantly. He still wasn't sure, but he would tell her. He trusted her that she would keep her promise and that she wouldn't tell anyone - and maybe it would do good to tell someone about what he had been through. Maybe it would help remove some of the guilt, fear and sadness he felt whenever he thought about his time in Mirkwood.

"I'll tell you everything when we stop for food", Kili promised, "but don't tell anyone about what I will tell you. I'm not sure if I'll tell anyone but you. Not even my brother.. if he's fine."

"I promise", Tuli said with an eager nod. "We should stop soon anyways - I'm getting a little hungry."

xx

Kili couldn't stop pulling at the grass as he sat on the ground in silence, Tuli shuffling through their bags. He was kind of nauseous - not from hunger, not from illness, but from doubt and fear. He wasn't even sure why he was that nervous, it should have been easy to open up and tell everything, but it wasn't- it wouldn't be. He was scared of how the dwarf might react. Somewhere deep inside he knew that Tuli wouldn't blame him for anything, as he had done nothing wrong, but he was still afraid. What if she put the blame on Kili? What if she'd break her promise and she told someone before Kili would make the decision himself? What if she was ashamed of Kili because he had been so weak and hopeless and pathetic?

Mahal. Why had he promised to tell?

"So", Tuli killed the silence, and Kili quickly turned his head to look at her. She was holding bread in her hands, as well as a couple of apples. "Which one do you want?"

"Apples would be great", Kili said and reached out to take one. Fili loved apples, he randomly remembered as he took a bite. They had used to steal them from the marketplace, and had succeeded a couple of times before the shopkeeper caught them and informed both Dís and Thorin - they had both scolded the brothers for being so stupid and for a long time they had been banned from going there without an adult by their side. It had been fun anyways, and the memory of the two of them clutching an apple while running for their lives was still vivid in his head. Kili couldn't help a wide grin from spreading on his face.

Tuli eyed Kili in amusement. It was funny how quickly the boy's moods changed - first he was silent, then he would talk for hours. Then he got deep in his thoughts and flinched into the real world in near panic, and later he would smile at himself for no other reason than his own thoughts.

Kili felt Tuli's eyes on him, so he glanced at her, flashing her a little smile. "I was just thinking about how me and Fili stole apples when we were young. They're the best memories I have."

"Hold on to those memories", Tuli said, "because when life isn't going too well, they remind you of how things were and how they can be, once again."

Kili couldn't agree more. Those precious memories had kept him from losing his mind in Mirkwood - they had kept him from falling into loneliness that couldn't be cured with a single nice word or the company of one elf. During the nights he had felt hopeless, he had found comfort from those memories. So yeah. Memories were important, and he wouldn't let himself forget them.

For a few heartbeats they sat in silence, until Tuli opened her mouth again. "Will you tell me, or will I have to guess until I get it right?" she asked with a soft laughter, and Kili grinned, as well.

"Yeah, just.. let me start from the beginning."

At first it was hard. He told how they had been kicked out from Lake-Town no matter how much money Fili offered the Master, and how they had decided to spend the night close to Mirkwood borders. How he hadn't been able to sleep because of his fever, how he went to wander the edges of Mirkwood, how the elves had found him.

With every passing word it got easier. He noticed that Tuli really listened as she nodded her head every once in a while to tell she was paying attention, and it made Kili feel like he could really tell about it, that Tuli would understand. It helped.

Soon he noticed that he started telling the female dwarf more details about everything. What the elves had been like, what they had said and in what tone - whatever he could remember. The first few days he remembered the best, and it was easier to talk about them. But then he got to the part where Gwaen had slit his arms with the dagger and used the blood to stain the shirt, the feeling of dying... he couldn't force the words out of his throat.

"What is it?" Tuli asked, furrowing her brows in worry. "What happened next?"

"So I was outside working with Amarth, one of the elves", Kili said, closing his eyes for a second before opening them again and looking at Tuli. "Gwaen approached me. The captain of the guard who seemed to hate me for no reason at all. He-"

He couldn't say it out loud. So, instead he slowly straightened his arms and let Tuli see the almost faded but still visible scars. Kili glanced at Tuli, who eyed the scars with horrified look on her face.

"He did this to you?" Tuli asked after a couple of seconds, turning her head to meet Kili's brown eyes.

Kili nodded. "He used my blood to stain my shirt, which he showed to my family, who had come to question Thranduil of my disappearance. I didn't know that they were in the palace until they were gone - Gwaen had cut me too much, too deep, and I was mostly unconscious for the whole day. I would have bled out if it wasn't for Aíthon, who took me to the healer's room after he found me from my cell, lying in a puddle of blood."

"Mahal", Tuli muttered, shaking her head. "That's horrible! What kind of animal does that?"

"Gwaen", Kili replied before continuing. He told about Aíthon starting to visit him more often after the incident, how he worked outside as soon as he could stay on his feet again, how the winter came and he was transferred inside. He told about the lines he had drawn to the wall, and how day by day the number of those grew and how he slowly started to lose the little hope he had left. How he had tried to escape three times and how Gwaen had caught him on the third time, causing Kili's wrist to snap broken as if it had been just a stick.

He told everything - how hopeless and alone he'd felt, how vulnerable and in pain he had been. He didn't hide anything nor did he sugarcoat anything.

"When we finally left the palace, I was scared", Kili admitted. "I was sure it was just some kind of plan to kill me, that Thranduil had grown tired of me and didn't want to feed me anymore. I was sad that I had to leave Aíthon - he saved me so many times, and just the times he kept me company.. I owe him my life. I'm so grateful - he couldn't help me escape, but he did everything he could to make sure I stayed alive so one day I could escape myself."

He explained how Legolas had helped him, how they had been attacked by goblins and how Michel and Lori had helped him, and how the man had attacked him in the woods. When he came to the end of the story, he felt relieved and actually good, and he then realized how much it had hurt to keep it as a secret. He had never been good at keeping things to himself anyways - still, nothing had ever made him feel better than this. He had told it all, and he felt freed.

"I don't know what to say", Tuli muttered, ducking her head for a short moment before looking up again. "I just- you can't keep that as a secret, Kili. Your family deserves to know all of that!"

"I haven't decided yet", Kili replied truthfully, and felt a pinch of worry in his gut. If I even have a family anymore. "I'll see when I get home."

"If you won't tell the truth you still have to come up with a story", Tuli pointed out, furrowing her brows. "Something that could be true, or they won't believe you."

"What if I was attacked by goblins, and I got into so bad shape that I needed to stay in bed for months before I could return home?" Kili said, leaning back. "That could explain the bloody shirt Thranduil showed them. That way nobody gets in trouble but goblins, and I don't really care what happens to those creatures."

Tuli shook her head. "Why don't you want the elves to get in trouble? They did this to you, Kili!"

"It's complicated!" Kili replied, sighing. "If anyone knew the truth, they'd go to Mirkwood and confront Thranduil. That would end with dead dwarves and dead elves and I don't want that. Besides, it's all done. Nothing Thorin does will change it.. I'm just trying to save us from any unnecessary wars. Their relationship is already bad. Do you understand my point?"

Silence fell on them for a few seconds. Kili eyed Tuli, who seemed to think hard - but something in her face told Kili that she had understood his point.

"I understand", she finally said with a nod. "And I respect your wish, and my promise - I won't tell anyone unless you wish me to."

"No, I don't want you to tell anyone", Kili said with a grin. "If I do tell them, I will do it myself."

xx

The few days went by too quick, and soon Tuli informed that she should turn around and head home. Wistful, Kili told her goodbyes and they left to opposite directions.

It was nice to jump on the pony again, but he was still sad. Not because he wouldn't see Tuli for many many months again - no, the reason was selfish this time. He was sad because he was alone again, and he had missed company more than anything else besides his family.

And once again, every day was like the previous and Kili lost the track of time. The days became longer and warmer, and soon Kili didn't have to use his jacket when he slept. He was eating very little, but he was short on food and soon he ate once a day instead of two or three. He was constantly hungry, but soon he got used to it and he wouldn't even feel hunger before he sat down on the ground and pulled out a vegetable.

As the scenery changed and Kili started to recognize some of his surroundings -like a big tree cut in half by a lightning he and Fili had slept under a couple years back while on their way to somewhere, he couldn't remember anymore- he grew hopeful. He knew Bree wasn't far anymore, and that meant it wouldn't take long for him to get home.

That night he arrived to Bree. It was raining a little as he got there, but it was warm and nice anyways. He was exhausted - normally he would be sleeping already, but he just couldn't stop to sleep when he had known that Bree was so close. He had taken the few coins from his bag and shoved them into his pocket, and he couldn't stop playing with them as he walked towards an inn.

That should be enough for a little food and a night in a room, Kili thought as he counted the money again. If not, I will save it for only food. I need it more than a bed for one night.

As he stepped into the inn named Yellow Apple -stupid name if you asked Kili-, the familiar scent of tobacco and ale filled his nose. There were lots of people inside, and a few turned to look at Kili, wonder on their faces. Not many dwarves visited Bree, and even though they weren't exactly a rare sight in there, men always seemed amazed that there was a dwarf in Bree. It never seized to amuse Kili.

He strolled to the counter and looked up to the woman with beautiful blue eyes who stood behind it, looking quite busy as she wrote something on a piece of paper.

"Sorry", Kili said, getting the attention of the woman, who looked surprised to see a dwarf in front of her counter. "I would like to book a room for tonight."

"I see", the woman said with a smile and nodded, taking out a book. "Bad weather to travel", she continued as she handed the book to Kili along with a pen. "Write your name on the blank space, please."

Kili obeyed, writing his name below the others, and then handed it back. The woman thanked Kili and wrote the dates up as well, nodding when she was done. Kili reached into his pocket and took a couple of coins out, laying them on top of the counter. "I guess that's enough", he more asked than stated, a hopeful glimmer in his voice.

For a moment the woman hesitated, and Kili was sure that it wouldn't be enough - he just couldn't pay more - but then the woman nodded again, taking the coins from where they were, looking down at Kili. "Your room is number eleven. Would you want anything to eat or drink?"

"Depends on how much it costs", Kili said in all honesty, shrugging a little. "I'm low on money and I still have to buy food for my journey to Blue Mountains."

"Ah, well, how much could you pay?" the woman asked. Kili eyed her - was she being serious? Why would she, a complete stranger, help him?

Well, I don't have anything to lose, Kili thought and shoved his hand into his pocket again, pulling out a few coins more. "Not more than this."

The woman looked at the few pathetic coins on the dwarf's hand and nodded, reaching out to take them. "Sit down, I will be shortly back with something", she said, turning around. Kili was quite confused and somewhat doubtful. There was no reason the lady should help him, so why would she? It didn't make any sense if you asked Kili. Still, he sat down on one of the chairs surrounding an empty table. The lady already took his money anyways, so why should he leave to his room without waiting for a moment?

He studied the inn as he sat. There were twelve men inside - three of them very drunk. They were sitting at the same table, cursing and drinking and smoking their pipes. They looked like there would be a fight between them soon, and Kili smirked. Good luck to them.

The other nine were in better condition than the three. They were in different tables, in groups of three, four and two. A few of them had plates in front of them but all of them had ales. Kili noticed that one of the men had a knife in the pocket of his jacket - for a moment Kili stared at it and tried to come up with a reasonable explanation for it, but decided that it was probably with him just in case something happened.

Then a loud blam echoed out and Kili jumped up from his chair, the whole inn silencing except for the three very drunk men. They were all fighting on the ground, throwing punches and kicking each other clumsily. One of the chairs had fallen, causing the noise.

Kili chuckled as one of the other men ran there, desperately trying to separate the fighting trio. "Stop it!" he yelled, pushing one of the men onto the floor. "Do this outside! We are trying to enjoy the night!"

After a few minutes the fight has been transferred outside, and the woman came with a plate on her hands. "Here you go", she said as she laid it in front of Kili, who was in disbelief. Really?

"Thank you so much", Kili told the woman, smiling at her. "You saved me from starving to death."

"No problem", she said with a laugh. "Those three who just got thrown out brought me so much money for all the ale they drank I could do this."

After Kili was done eating the delicious, hot food, he made his way towards his room which was located in the middle of a long corridor in the second floor. He was exhausted, and a soft bed sounded better than anything at that moment now when he was full again. And sure enough, he fell asleep in seconds with only one thought in his mind. I'm so close to home. I really am.

xx

He woke up to yelling, but the first thing he noticed was the smoke.

There was smoke everywhere - it seemed to fill his lungs and it made his eyes burn almost immediately. It took him less than a second to realize what was going on even though he was still somewhat groggy from waking up. There was a fire in the inn.

Kili took plunged up from his bed and on his feet, only to fall on the ground, almost coughing his lungs out. In a second of clarity he grabbed the coins from the nightstand and shoved them into his pocket again, starting to crawl towards the door. His eyes burned and tears leaked from them onto his cheeks and he felt like he couldn't breathe - even the little air he drew in was hot and felt uncomfortable in his lungs.

Why is this happening now? Kili couldn't help thinking as he made his way through the room. Can't I live a week without something bad happening?

When he got to the door, he got up and swung the door open, hot air hitting him instantly. He took a step back and covered his mouth, desperate not to breathe in any more hot air.

He glanced to the right and saw flames cutting his way to the stairs which led downstairs. He cursed in Khuzdûl and looked to the left, noticing a window. It was his only way out, but he was in second floor! The thought of jumping out wasn't pleasant, but burning alive was a lot worse, Kili realized, and so he quickly made his way to the window, peeking down. He would fall too long way for his liking - but he knew he had to do it.

He creaked the window open and poked his head through, looking down once again. It was dark, but he could see bushes of flowers on the ground. Maybe they could be enough to spare him from worst injuries.

Taking a deep breath of the cool night-air, Kili climbed onto the windowsill, just kneeling there for a few seconds. He heard the fire rattling behind him and some screams from downstairs, full of fear and pain. Maybe someone had burnt themselves.

Knowing that he couldn't waste any more time, Kili closed his eyes and leaned forward, and soon there was nothing to take a hold of and nothing beneath his feet, and for the second he spent falling everything was quiet - then his body hit the bushes way harder than he had expected, and a cry escaped his lips.

Forgive me, okay? I promise, next chapter will be nice one for a change!