Chapter 13

Thankfully for Enrique, the door was unlocked. Which only made him worry more. Her apartment was the only place Dok Mi felt safe. If she'd left it unlocked, it meant that she had really been hurting earlier. As long as he was here, he took a look at what she was up to. On her desk were three manuscripts. Why do you push yourself so hard, Ahjumma? He thought sadly.

If she wasn't careful, she'd run herself into the ground. But he still was somewhat happy this had happened. It had given him a chance to see and touch her. He had missed her more in the few days she'd been away then he had ever missed her while he was in Spain. He missed her more than he could have ever imagined missing another person.

And he felt guilty as hell that he was happy he'd been the one to see her collapse. He'd told Jin Rak that he'd stay away from her for now, but he knew he could never do it. Dok Mi had become like an addiction to him. Enrique couldn't go more than a few days without her before going into a bottomless pit of withdrawal.

Every day since her accident had been like that. Sure, she was around him, but she was never really there. He'd trusted Jin Rak to get close to her and lure her back out into the world. But Jin Rak had loved her the way she was. He'd wanted to help Enrique, but he just didn't know how. Enrique could see that, but he didn't want to admit it until he let Jin Rak try.

Enrique looked around her desk a little more until she found two small plastic bags filled with prescription bottles. Along with the medicine, he grabbed a few books. Ones he knew were her favorites that she probably didn't remember reading. And yes, he grabbed his own book. There had been parts in there he knew had made an impact on her.

He made his way back through the light snow to his apartment. He set the medicine and books down on the table and walked back into his bedroom where he found Dok Mi sleeping soundly. She looked so adorable and peaceful when she was asleep. He hated to wake her, but she really needed to take her medicine.

He sat down on the side of the bed and touched her shoulder gently, "Hey, Ahjumma," he said. She stirred but did wake up. He shook her a little more forcefully, "Dok Mi," he said, "Wake up"

"I'm sorry," she muttered in her sleep. Enrique furrowed his brow. What did she have to be sorry for? But before he could come up with an explanation, she said, "thank you"

Enrique's heart seemed to stop beating. It was their game. She was remembering the first time that they'd said they loved each other. He wanted to wait for her to say "I love you," if only so he could hear it one more time, but she opened her eyes before she said anything. She looked up at him drowsily and for a moment she looked like his Dok Mi. How many times had they fallen asleep at each other's apartments? How many times had they covered each other with a blanket as they slept on the floor?

He missed it. He missed waking up to find her on his couch when he thought she'd left hours ago. Quite simply, he missed her.

"Enrique," she said sleepily. A small smile danced on her lips, "Enrique" she said again.

"I brought your medicine, Ahjumma" he said. This seemed to snap her back into the real world. She sat up and pulled the covers as tightly around her as she could.

"Thank you," she said as she took the bag he was holding. She took out a bottle and looked at it for a moment, "These aren't the right ones" she said.

Enrique held out the second bag, "I found these ones too." He replied, "I wasn't sure which was which, so I brought both."

"Those ones are for anxiety," she said, "I haven't used them in months" She put aside the first bag and took out a single pill from the second.

"Don't you want the morphine?" Enrique asked. He probably shouldn't have, but he had looked at all the medications as he was walking back.

"It doesn't help" she replied quietly.

"You fell down a flight of stairs," he said, "You must be in a lot of pain"

"I am," she said, "But pain killers have never worked for me"

Enrique put his hand gently on her arm, "You haven't taken anything since the accident?" she nodded, "I can't even imagine how much you've suffered."

Before he could think better of it, he pulled her into a tight hug. The last time they'd hugged, he had been worried and not thinking. This time, the squeeze was deliberate. He wanted her to feel his love for her with his arms and to understand how much being apart was killing him.

"You thought I fainted," she said suddenly as she detangled herself from his arms.

"Didn't you?" Enrique replied.

"Yeah," she said, "But I didn't just faint for no reason."

Enrique felt like this was a trap, but he took the bait anyways, "Okay" he said, "why did you faint?"

"I had a panic attack" she said, "I pulled an all-nighter to finish the manuscript I was working on and… I had a panic attack"

"I didn't know"

"Just like you didn't know about my anxiety medication" she said, "Which begs the question, how well do you really know me?"

"Ahjumma," Enrique said, "What're you-"

"Don't you think you'd know that someone you love had crippling anxiety?" she said, "and was prone to panic attacks?"

"I did know, Dok Mi," Enrique said, "It just wasn't something I thought about."

"How can you not think about it? If you were close to me at all, it was something you couldn't escape"

"I can't tell you all these things, Ahjumma," Enrique said. He suddenly felt exhausted, "You need to remember for yourself"

"Then I can't be around" she said simply, "If you're keeping things from me…"

"But I can't make you feel how you did before" Enrique replied, "You were broken when I met you."

"And you fixed me?" she asked, "Is that what you're trying to say?"

"No, Ahjumma" he said as he touched her cheek, "You fixed yourself."

She quickly swatted his hand away, "I need to go home" she said as she got up.

"Go Dok Mi, Please" Enrique pleaded.

"No," she replied, "I can't deal with this right now. You don't know me and you clearly don't know what I've been through"

"Yes I do" Enrique said, "Because you told me"

"I promised I'd never tell anybody," she said mostly to herself.

"But you told me," He insisted, "You trusted me enough to tell me about your past."

"I couldn't have" she replied. She turned back around and walked to the door.

"You did, Ahjumma," Enrique said, "You decided that it was worth the risk"

"Nothing is worth the risk"

"I was," Enrique said, "In that moment, you said that I was worth it."

"Well," she replied, "I changed my mind."

She opened the door and walked out of Enrique's apartment. He put his head in his hands and cried quietly. She had said some horrible things over the course of their relationship to drive him away, but this had been the worst.

Enrique supposed it had been his fault. He shouldn't have pushed his feelings on her and he definitely shouldn't have hugged her. This was the kind of tactlessness that had almost caused him to lose her countless times.

Enrique wanted her to remember him, but he wanted her to remember himself more. There hadn't been a time in my life when I've loved myself, she'd said once. But she had loved herself. When they were together, she loved herself. Not as much as he'd loved her, but it wasn't possible to love anything more than he loved her.

She needed to find herself again. Their love would come back eventually, but not until she learned her own value. He couldn't stay away from her, he knew that now. But to make her remember, he'd have to start from the beginning