"Well, it's better than that Legolas/Mark Hamill fic you were going to read, isn't it?"
After a hearty breakfast from Grim's grandmother, largely consisting of something wiggling and with too many legs to count, Grim felt ready to set off to the underworld, with girl, assicorn, and goddess in tow. "I thought you were making a cameo," Grim grumbled as he looked at Eris while pulling out his scythe.
Eris looked back at him, grinned, then pointed at Billy. Billy then turned into an enormous green ape, letting out a bellow of rage. Turning him back into an assicorn, she smirked, and said nothing. "Fine, fine," Grim grumbled. "As long as we don't end up hauling your boyfriend along."
"Oh, we broke up ages ago," Eris said with a wave of her hand. "Though I wouldn't be surprised to see him show up. He does pop up in the most unusual places."
"Lucky for us normal humans can't typically reach the Underworld."
"Oh, he's hardly normal, but your security isn't as good as you think."
"Oh, yeah? What makes you say that?" Grim entered the portal, then nearly stumbled over Irwin, who looked lost and terrified.
"Grim!" he cried joyously, then paused. "You know, I really shouldn't be so happy to see the Grim Reaper at this stage in my life."
"Oh, shut up, Irwin," Grim grumbled, glaring at Eris. "Somehow, I know this is your fault."
"What are you doing here, Irwin?" Billy asked, trotting over to him.
"I really don't know, yo," the short boy groaned. "Last thing I remember was these rabbits with nasty, sharp pointy teeth, and..."
"Never mind. I don't think we really want to know," Mandy interrupted.
"Where should we go first, Grim?" Billy asked, walking around. As he did so, one of his hooves began to squeak.
"What's that horrendous noise?" Eris made a face.
Billy paused, then looked down at his hoof. Underneath was Eric the Inchworm, squeaking in protest as Billy put his hoof down. "Ewwwww," Billy said, shaking his hoof to try and get the small man off.
"Why did you bring that with you?" Mandy asked with a frown. "It's not edible, just so you know."
"I dunno. I guess the gag hadn't gotten old yet." Billy peered at the little man.
"Going to...sue you," Eric the Inchworm wheezed.
"Good grief. Are we going to be expanding the cast every chapter?" Grim gave the Inchworm a poke with his scythe.
Billy stomped on Eric a few times, immediately becoming amused with the squeaking. Laughing with glee, he continued to stomp Eric to a pulp.
"Look, Irwin," Mandy said, pointing to Eric. "It's one of the few things in the universe that's more pathetic than you are."
"Awesome, yo!" Irwin's day had been made.
Since nothing was happening, production decided to step up the action a bit. In the middle of the room, for no reason whatsoever, a blue cow exploded.
"Where did THAT come from?" Mandy said, wiping cow gunk off her dress. Her words were cut off by a low rumble that echoed through the large cavern they were in.
"Grim?" Billy questioned, pausing in his squeaking of Eric. "I don't like the sound of that."
"Oh, crud," Grim said. "It's a blue cow eating snicker-snack monster. And since we're covered in blue cow, it probably thinks we're food."
"It's a what?" Mandy said, eyes getting wide as a large shadow fell across them.
"Like I said, it's a blue cow eating snicker-snack monster. And since-"
"I got that part! Why do you have something that only eats blue cows in the Underworld?"
"Well, believe it or not, we did have a population control issue-"
"Uh, guys," Irwin interrupted, legs shaking. "I don't think this is really the time to discuss this, yo!"
"Every goddess for herself!" Eris declared as the group began to run.
"Huh? Where's everyone going?" Billy asked, just before teeth descended down on him, swallowing assicorn and Inchworm whole.
"Should we do something?" Grim asked.
"You wanna be eaten?"
"Actually, hold on," Eris said, skidding to a stop. "This gives me an idea." Turning around and pointing at the blue cow eating snicker-snack monster, the faint glow of the peach was visible inside its stomach before Billy was turned into a giant overweight chicken, spreading blue cow eating snicker-snack monster bits everywhere.
"Oooo," Billy the oversized chicken said, flapping his impossibly tiny wings. "I CAN FLY!"
"Great," Mandy observed, wiping more gunk off her dress. "Now I'm covered in two types of unidentifiable animal bits. Thanks, Eris."
"Next time, I'll let it eat you first," Eris said with a toss of her hair as she reverted Billy back to normal-well, as normal as being a donkey with a horn on one's head got.
"Aww. No flying," Billy protested.
The conversation was interrupted by a high-pitched shrieking that filled the cave. "Oh, great. Just what we needed," Grim grumbled. "It's a blue cow eating snicker-snack monster eating polka dotted platydink."
Mandy looked over at him. "You have got to be kidding."
"Well, you see, when the blue cow eating snicker-snack monsters got out of control..."
"Forget the ecology lesson," Eris shouted. "Run for it!"
The group ran as if they were in a Scooby Doo episode, the ground shaking with each footstep of the blue cow eating snicker-snack monster eating polka dotted platydink's footsteps. They ran in a door, and emerged out a door some ways up the hall, then in and out through several more. They raced up spiral staircases that appeared out of nowhere, and then back down them when oversized, clawed bird feet appeared at the top of said stairs. They ran away on multi-person bikes, on scooter chairs, on a cruise ship and on a gigantic missile. They ran through vivid and sloppy backgrounds that had probably been done by the interns during happy hour. And as the chase scene rolled on, the characters sat down in the front row, watching the continued animation.
"I've never understood the appeal of these things," Grim commented, munching on some candy. "It's like an opportunity to show off strange animation, but nothing actually happens."
"Needs more explosions," Billy said around a mouthful of popcorn.
"I thought the Teen Titans did it better, to be honest," Eris said. "At least there was a rationale there."
"Is my butt really that big, yo?"
A high-pitched shriek from behind them made them all look up. Oversized, clawed bird feet were perched a few rows behind them. With a look of panicked expressions that would have made the Looney Tunes proud, they tore out of the theater, bird feet following with loud thumps, and the chase was on again.
"I don't know about you, but I'm seriously tired of the chase scenes," Eris complained.
"Psst! Over here!" came a voice, a small door opening in the wall. Without hesitation, the entire group dashed into the door. It shut behind them, sealing them in complete darkness. Outside, they could hear the scratching of the blue cow eating snicker-snack monster eating polka dotted platydink as it tried to get in.
"Whew," Grim let out a sigh in the darkness. "Is everyone all right?"
Mandy blinked, looking around as she checked herself. "I think so."
"Whoa, cool!" Irwin exclaimed. "Your eyes are doing that glowy thing in the dark! I thought only the really long running cartoons and movies got that!"
The narrowed pair of eyes looked at the large ones, and then there was the sound of a poke, followed by Irwin's eyes closing with an "Ow!"
"Nonsense aside," Eris's glowy eyes asked, "Where are we? And who saved us?"
"That would be me," came a voice as another pair of eyes joined them. This pair was glowing green instead of white like all the other pairs of eyes.
"Nergal!" Grim said, lighting a match so the interns had something more visual to work on. "I should have known."
The black creature of the underworld gave him a blank look. "You should have known? Why? Did I do something wrong? You know I'm not very good with these rescue things, Grim old boy."
"What are you doing here, Uncle Nergal?" Billy asked.
"Well, I was just tending to my blue cow eating snicker-snack monster eating polka dotted platydink, and I heard some noise, and to my surprise there you all were!" Nergal said, spreading his hands wide. "It's so good to see you all! I haven't seen you since last season, I think."
"You were tending a blue cow eating snicker-snack monster eating polka dotted platydink?" Mandy asked in disbelief.
"Yes, isn't she cute? I call her Joe. So, what brings you to my little neighborhood?" Nergal asked.
"We're looking for a plot device," Eris told him. "If you've got one, cough it up."
Nergal considered that. "No, can't say that I do. But enough about that, let me invite you to dinner! Come on, everyone's invited," he said, giving Eris a push offscreen.
"Nergal, we really don't have the time," Grim said. "We need to find this plot device before something bad happens-and stays that way."
"Nonsense, there's always time for a nice family dinner! Besides, I can ask my son! You remember Nergal Jr., right kids?" he addressed to Mandy and Irwin. "He's just getting to that age where he's beginning to control and enslave the dead. Boys will be boys!"
"I dread my afterlife," Irwin whimpered.
"Aren't you just going to be wrapped up and stuffed in a giant tomb?" Mandy asked.
"Yeah...I'm not really sure which is worse."
Nergal led the way, chattering merrily to anyone that would listen. Grim and Eris weren't paying enough attention, so he ended up by Billy. "I must say, Billy, I think you've seen better days. Does that horn hurt?"
"Only when I blow too much." Billy gave the horn on his head a toot. "How have you been, Uncle Nergal? How's my Aunt Sis?"
"Wonderful," he sighed, "we're as happy as the day we first met. Every day is another chapter in the book of blissful matrimony! What better way to come home from a hard day of work torturing and terrorizing residents of the Underworld and have a hot meal and a loving wife ready to feed me and ask me how my day was? It's not an easy job, you know. I just hope Nergal Jr. can take over when he's old enough."
Billy nodded with rapt attention, a trailing thought cloud indicating he was thinking about chocolate. "And here we are," Nergal said, opening the door to his house. "Honey, I'm home!"
"Welcome back," Aunt Sis greeted, stepping out of the kitchen as she wiped her hands on a dish towel. "Oh, you've brought Billy by for dinner. Hello, Billy."
"Hi, Aunt Sis," he greeted, taking a seat on the couch. "What's happening?"
"Oh, just the usual. Dear," she addressed to Nergal, "those imps are getting into the ventilation systems again. Did you ask your friend about it?"
"Oh! Curse it all, I forgot. I'm sorry, dear," he apologized, taking her hands. "I just ran into some old friends, and I had to bring them by. I'll definitely take care of that tomorrow."
"Hello, Mandy, Grim," she greeted. "Who are your friends?"
"Um, I'm Irwin, yo," the short boy spoke up. "Don't you remember me?"
"Oh, have we met? I'm so sorry, dear," Aunt Sis apologized. "Ever since that problem we had with the ghoulfiends, I'm afraid my memory and personality have been out of sorts."
"In other words," Mandy addressed the audience, "the author doesn't remember the episode where she showed up."
"In any case, sit down for a spell. Nergal Jr," she called up the stairs. "Come down and say hi to your father's friends."
The boy came down the stairs, stopping cold as he saw the group. "What are you guys doing here?"
"Hi, cuz," Billy said, waving a hoof. "What's the word on the down low?"
Nergal frowned. "Why is Billy an assicorn?"
"He's not an assicorn," Grim said in exasperation. "You can't just stick a trumpet on an ass and think it'll work. That just gets you a high school marching band."
Nergal looked from Grim to Mandy. "It's a long story," she said. "If you're really interested, I'll pass you the script later."
"We have a script?" Grim asked. "I doubt that."
"Oh, son!" Nergal greeted, giving the boy a hug. "I'm home, did you miss me?"
"I...suppose so?"
"Your dad says you've been working on controlling the dead," Mandy addressed to Nergal Jr..
"Yeah...I've been texting them." He held up a phone.
"You can text message the dead?" Mandy asked, raising an eyebrow.
"We get great reception down here," Nergal told her, "as long as you're not trying to go with one of those wimpy phone places."
"Oh, what do you use?" Grim asked. "I've been thinking about switching providers."
"Attila the Phone. You never have to hunt for a tower!"
"...That's a terrible, terrible waste of an Attila the Hun joke." Mandy shook her head. "How's the texting working out, Nergal Jr?"
"Well, it's more comfortable than enslaving them face to face," Nergal Jr explained. "It avoids all that awkward social tension."
"That's what's wrong with the youth of America today," Billy complained, kicking up his hooves and flinging Eric the Inchworm across the room, where he was promptly snagged and abducted by the ventilation system imps. "No one is accustomed to talking face to face anymore."
"I kind of like it, yo," Irwin protested. "Nobody can beat you up by text."
Meanwhile, at the school, Sperg was desperately trying to find a way. "Bullies have to expand their social networking too, you know," he addressed the audience. "I don't want to get left behind by these newer, trendier bullies."
Back in the underworld, Nergal had gathered the group around a table magically large enough for all of them, including assicorn. Eric the Inchworm was still in the ventilation system, currently being used as a pinata for the ventilation system imps. "Ah, it's so nice to have a group together for dinner," Nergal said with a smile. "I never seem to be able to get any of my coworkers to come home for a bite."
"That's because you're a fiend of the underworld who tortures undead," Mandy pointed out. "Also, you're obnoxious."
"Oh, Mandy, I'm glad we became friends. You always know the right things to say."
"Hey, don't be making moves on my girl, yo!" Irwin said as Mandy put a hand to her face. "You're a married man!" Mandy turned around and stabbed him with her fork, making him squeal and run around in panicked agony.
"You know," she said, resting her head on a hand and looking decidedly unimpressed, "For a guy that's half mummy and a quarter vampire, you shouldn't be as much of a weenie as you are."
"Don't talk smack about my mama, yo," Irwin said, screeching to a stop. "She's a gangsta wrapper, you know."
"What's she going to do? Pun me to death?"
"Now, now, children," Nergal said, raising a hand. "Let's leave all of that animosity behind, shall we? This is a nice, pleasant dinner."
"Have you ever met these kids before?" Grim said, giving Nergal a look. "They're not capable of a nice, pleasant dinner. Every time they sit down for a nice, pleasant dinner, something goes wrong."
"I had a nice pleasant dinner once," Billy spoke up. "It was with the guy that ran the genius school!"
Nergal Jr. looked at Billy in surprise. "That place must have really low standards of 'genius'."
"They accepted me! But I decided I would rather stay with my friends," Billy said. "Plus, my name is in the title, so I can't go anywhere." Having said that, Billy went back to the problem of figuring out how to drink his soup without the use of opposable thumbs, and finally settled for throwing his face into the bowl.
"See? We can't even keep a conversation on track," Grim said. "As I was saying, every time we attempt at some mild, sitcom funny at a dinner table, it always gets ruined."
"What makes you say that?" Nergal asked.
From outside there was the roar of an engine, and barely a split second later a giant truck had come roaring in through the wall, coming to a halt on the dining room table. Eric the Inchworm, who had just gotten away from the ventilation system imps, just happened to be under where one of the tires would stop when it did stop. "Why me?" he complained. "Is there a vendetta against me or something?" Evil laughter from above confirmed that suspicion.
Out of the truck's window, Hoss Delgado looked out, hand currently in the shape of a rocket launcher which he pointed around. "Sorry for the intrusion, folks," he said in his low voice, "No need to panic. I'm just here for the blue cow eating snicker-snack monster eating polka dotted platydink."
"You want my blue cow eating snicker-snack monster eating polka dotted platydink?" Nergal echoed, blinking. "What do you want with Lisa?"
"I thought her name was Joe," Mandy said.
"Sometimes she feels like a Lisa."
"Let's just say," Hoss Delgado cocked his hand rocket launcher, "she and I have a date. With destiny."
"See, this is just one of the many reasons we broke up," Eris said to Grim, resting her chin in one hand. "Suave just isn't in his vocabulary. But corny is, apparently."
Nergal frowned at Hoss. "I appreciate the thought, but Lisa isn't really the type that appreciates the attention. She tends to get a little tempermental. Why don't you join us for dinner instead?"
Hoss opened his mouth to say something, and was interrupted by a classic stomach rumble. A few minutes later the car had been backed through the hole in the wall. Once again, everyone had gathered around the now-flattened table, all continuing their meals. "So Mr. Delgado," Irwin addressed him, "I've been practicing everything you taught me. Want to see my beater?"
"Huh? Oh, that's very good, kid," Hoss agreed distractedly. "You keep right on pluggin' and you'll be beating monsters left and right before you know it."
"Well... right now all I can beat is cake," Irwin admitted. "But it makes the batter super thick and yummy!"
"Oh, that sounds nice," Aunt Sis spoke up, mostly so people would remember she was there. "We'll have to get together and make one sometime."
Hoss put down his bowl, slurping out the remainder of the soup. "Thank you for the meal, ma'am," he directed to Aunt Sis, "it was delicious. Reminds me of what my mother used to make when I was a kid. Now..." His hand turned back into the rocket launcher, and he cocked it again. "Time to go bag me a blue cow eating snicker-snack monster eating polka dotted platydink."
"I really must advise against that," Nergal spoke up. "They're very tempermental. And this place still smells a bit like blue cow eating snicker-snack monster. It might make her hungry."
"Then I'll just have to give Lisa an appetite for disaster," Hoss stated, rising from the table. Hopping back in his car, he revved across the living room, bursting out through the front door. The sound of an engine was heard outside, and was soon followed by the sound of a few launching rockets and accompanying explosions.
"This really isn't a good idea," Nergal said with a frown. "Do you even know what a blue cow eating snicker-snack monster eating polka dotted platydink is capable of doing?"
"Besides eating blue cow eating snicker-snack monsters?" Grim asked.
"And getting your tongue tied up in knots?" Billy added. "I wanna call her Joe again."
"Hey, a blue cow eating snicker-snack monster eating polkadotted platydink is serious business," Nergal said, the scene switching to a simplistic drawing of a person next to a pair of clawed feet. "In addition to being tempermental enough to storm whole cities and level them when they're angry," the line drawings turned to a pair of chicken feet filled with unexplained rage, trampling a simplified skyline, "they get even worse if they lose some feathers. When a blue cow eating snicker-snack monster eating polka dotted platydink loses some feathers, they become so enraged that time and space itself can warp. People, events, things, everything can be thrown out of order, and often is. Why, it could be a disaster," Nergal concluded as the line drawing exploded in a burst of pixels.
"Well, then," Grim concluded, tucking his hands behind his head. "I expect it'll happen."
Mandy gave him a look. "How is a giant warp in space and time funny?"
"Some people will find anything funny," Grim said with a shrug. "You do watch television, right?"
"I've got you now!" came Hoss's voice from outside, followed by an enraged, high-pitched shriek. "Wait, no I don't. Come back here, you slippery family loving potato!"
"The censors must be getting exasperated," Billy noted, finding Eric again and squeaking him a few times.
Just then, a few white feathers drifted through the door. "Oh, dear," Nergal said. "That's not good."
The next thing everyone knew, the world had blown up.