It was difficult to form a thought on the matter that could be made into a coherent sentence. Though –of course— Fili had seen himself on the throne someday, with a king's crown, too large and heavy, sitting low on his head, he had never imagined the day might come so soon. At the very least he'd always wished his uncle a long and prosperous life so that rule might not pass for another hundred years or so!
"King of…" His tongue went limp in his mouth before he could finish the incomplete musing. He heard a vague hum somewhere behind him and remembered his brother stood with him, present as his own shadow in a lit cavern. He turned to Kili to gauge his reaction to mediate his own, but there was little to be found in his face –as if the younger brother was waiting on his new king (no, not King just yet) to decide whether this was an occasion for celebration or despair. (This indeed was not the case entirely; the younger Prince had his own inward reaction to the news, but it affected him so much less than his dear elder brother that he'd wait until he gave a response, one way or the other, before he'd express his excitement.)
But after he failed to finish one sentence, there was little to be said about another. Mind racing to the point of a dull ache settling in, Fili was forced to think of exactly what this meant –that Thorin would not be returning save for the coronation, which may be months from now; that while he may be an adequate ruling Prince with the full knowledge that the true King would return in time, he suddenly felt entirely mediocre, very small and not ready to take on such a responsibility in his lingering youth. He would accept it come the fateful day –and graciously so— but the thought made his limbs tense and his stomach turn.
"Fee?" It was the familiar voice that brought sensation back when he'd no idea how long it had been since his worries forced him to turn in on himself. He stared with blue eyes otherwise hollow enough that Kili started to worry, a visceral anxiety confirming that this was not a joyous occasion for the soon-King. He took him again by the shoulder and now also the other, and led him out of the dim room, lit only by candles yet enough to clearly read the momentous letter, toward somewhere a bit brighter.
It was several hundred paces taken by the two pairs of heavy footsteps; Fili regained his composure significantly, protesting that he was fine and did not need the physical escort almost as soon as they had left the room, but Kili did not let him go. Curious and some fretful glances followed them through the corridors full of other dwarves; the younger of the princes shielded his brother from their stares as best he could without making a scene of themselves. "No privacy," he laughed softly, earning a small absent smile from Fili as well.
At last they came to what they had been told was the secret entrance the Company had come through to extinguish the dragon, and the thought brought another kind of heavy feeling to Fili's stomach, as neither of them had been fortunate enough to see the quest to its destination; they had been in Laketown then, where he would have lost his brother had their kind Maker not sent a blessing that night in Tauriel. When the Dragon attacked the poor town, Fili had prayed he would never be so powerless in the face of death and near-death ever again.
They left the stone door open as they had stupidly not done once before, and settled on the small but comfortable landing. Sat on the stone ground, backs against stone wall, they sat idly and increasingly comfortably beside each other. No words needed to be exchanged; Kili knew his future King (nearer than expected just that morning) doubted his readiness to take on the full and permanent responsibilities handed down to him by Thorin –Fili knew his little brother had all the confidence in his ability that he himself was too modest or honestly lacking (which, he no longer knew) to own.
Kili kicked a pebble against his boot and broke the silence at last. "Ma will live to see her son King," he mused with a bright smile. "And not be made to forsake her brother for it."
Fili laughed softly and wrung his hands. The sky was growing dark and the air was cold around them; they were underdressed for the dreariness but neither shivered. After much fumbling of his tongue and jaw his dull lips at last moved under the pinkish tip of his nose. "I suppose that's something she might look forward to. But when the pride wears away?"
"A dwarf's pride never wears!" and they both laughed.
"The pride to see her child—" (and for the first time in a long time, he felt again very much an ignorant child) "— sat on the throne of her fathers. But the joy will no doubt thin once the coronation has completed and there is no more pomp and ceremony and all too much weight."
"A weight I know –and who knows you better?— that you can carry with ease, even if you don't believe it yet. You'll see: when the time comes to be the high ruler of our people you will surely rise to the occasion as you always have. Never once have you disappointed, not your family, not any dwarf of Erebor. There is no cause to doubt yourself now!"
Fili shook his head and stared into the distant West., arms tight across his chest. He heard his brother at his left toying with more small stones, and wished himself so at ease. He had no logical basis for arguing further. I have heard nothing but praise on his rule, Thorin had acknowledged so objectively; not trying to calm the Crown Prince's nerves but make an observation to his regarded counsel. Thorin was, indeed, a very proud if troubled King –surely he would not leave his dear kingdom and all those therein in the authority of someone in whom he did not have the utmost trust. But it was maybe that kind trust that left him so reeling at the thought of failure.
A new energy overtook him, a fire in his heart that spread heat to his limbs and caused him to jump to his feet, running back in as if dashing over hot coals, running footfalls echoing in the dark corridor as he navigated easily. "Fili—!" He heard his brother's voice trail behind him, but Kili must have stood himself, and closed the heavy door before he could sprint after him –the elder had a good head start en route to the council hall.
There, as he'd expected, he found his mother sitting beside Balin. The Crown Prince's sudden entry brought the two out of conversation –Balin nodded his head in submission to the future King; Dis would never bow, King or no King, to the child (for he was always a child) she had brought into the world. Rather, he bowed slightly to her before any words were exchanged. "You read your uncle's letter?" she asked, leaning her cheek in her palm.
"I did," the Prince answered curtly, looking between the two and feeling as if he'd initiated his own interrogation. "I cannot believe it is true."
"It is," Dis answered calmly, willing her flustered son at peace –for as he was always a child, she was always a mother. "And no one who knows already has said a word against it; you will be a great king. Do you doubt it?" She knew the answer, and wanted honesty from her golden boy.
"I… do, in some ways. I'm sure no one has lied in saying that I have done well so far, but this is all very overwhelming."
"Then don't think about it too much right now." She carried the assurance alone, as Balin had returned to some work; he could provide no support the mother could not. "Nothing is changed yet, and –as apparently poor Bilbo's health will not allow a more urgent return— it will be months yet before you are officially made King. Until then, rule as you have and without a doubt in your head. Your people look to you for guidance –it is only your duty to follow what your heart's morals and judgment bid and not lead them astray."
Fili nodded and tried to think it over, but was soon interrupted by the comfortingly familiar voice of his shadow, joining them in the large chamber, a trail of Khuzdul expletives falling from his tongue until he acknowledged their mother's presence. She smirked and Kili bowed low to her out of respect and embarrassment. But Dis, satisfied with what she had said to boost her oldest son's morale, took up her reading. The two brothers dismissed, they left and engulfed themselves in silence until they could be alone outside their bed chambers.
"What was that about?" The younger almost laughed at the incredulity of Fili's behavior that day. "I had to ask twice for directions, see if anyone had seen the Golden Prince run through, just to find where you had gone!"
Fili smiled a bit to himself and, weary from an extraordinary evening, bid his brother goodnight.