Hey, if anyone is in the market for some nice, quality R&M crossovers, if you already haven't done so, please check out Insane Guy of DOOM's Bioshock infinite crossover "Rick and Morty Meet the Lettuce Twins." It's short, it's awesome, it's funnier then mine, and there's, like, 50% more alcoholism! What are you waiting for! Go get your fake doors… I mean, read the fic!

Chapter 4: Night 3

"WUBBALUBBADUBDUB!" Rick screamed as he kicked the doors in before his shift began, breath stinking of alcohol moreso then usual. After releasing a belch that shook the foundations of the very building, Rick stumbled towards the control center, but not before stopping in front of the three animatronics. Drunkenly, he approached the bear and started to slur.

"H-hey, buuuuuuddy! How's BUUUURP life treat'n ya? You's guys," he paused to take a swig of his flask, "you's guys are chumps, heh-heh-heh," he laughed as he clumsily exited the stage, tripping over a table full of party supplies. He laughed as he picked himself up, and Freddy could only look on with burning rage until the clock finally struck midnight. By then, Rick had already re-entered the security office, and had once again hooked up that infuriating perpetual energy battery. When the minute hand overhead finally reached the top, Bonnie looked over at Freddy before nervously tittering, "So's, Boss, eh, what's we doin today?"

"Nothing."

Chica looked over in alarm. "Wait, you said "nothing?" As in, nadda, niet, nil, the concept of nihilism, zero…"

"Yes, Bonnie, I've read Wikipedia too, I know what nothing stands for. We are going to do nothing," Freddy said as he glared at the camera, knowing Rick was on the other end giving him his traffic advisory fingers.

"Wow, Boss, I mean, I know things can get gnarly with some of the guards, but giving up after two nights, well, that's steep." Bonnie wondered aloud.

Freddy shrugged. "Well, what can I say? Rick, you beat us fair and square! Gentlemen's rules! Well done! Everyone, congratulate Rick on a job well done!" Freddy said as he started to applaud. Bonnie and Chica, with Foxy peeking out from the cove, all looked at him quizzically. Freddy, still applauding, looked at his companions. "Come on everybody, applaud Rick for beating us fair and square!" he coaxed, sounding a little strained.

"Boss, are you OK?" Chica asked, concerned by Mr. Fazbear's behavior.

"Honestly, Boss, it isn't really that big a deal, we can try again when he quits," Bonnie suggested.

"Bonnie! Chica! Would you please! Congratulate! Rick! On! A! Job! Well! Done!" Freddy strained through a fake smile, now clapping so hard his paws were starting to have his exoskeleton exposed. Cautiously, the other two started to join in clapping (Foxy abstained, for obvious reasons) and together, they started cheering on Rick.

"Go Rick, you rock!" Bonnie screamed.

"You know how to party!" Chica cheered.

"Aargh! Ye be the best mate of the whole establishment!" Foxy joined in.

Freddy kept staring at the camera.

Rick watched as the whole event unfolded before him. Eyebrow arched, he switched between the stage and pirate's cove, watching the furries cheer him on.

"OK, Fred, what are you up to?" Rick asked himself as he started to cycle the cameras through the establishment.

"Dining area, dead, hallways, dead, bathrooms, dead, kitchen, busted, stupid bear poster, different. Whelp, that's all I got!" Rick said to himself as he put down the monitor to take another swig of his flask.

"Here, you can, you can have this for a bit," he tossed to the tablet to the golden suit sitting across from him as he downed the flask for the fifth time that afternoon, before belching and prepared to doze off to sleep.

"G-goodni-goodnight, empty cursed suit! You're-you're like a Morty that does- that doesn't suck," he said as his eyelids grew heavy.

An ear-piercing shriek later, and Freddy immediately leapt from the stage.

"Oh, did you guys hear that! Did you guys! Hear! That!" Freddy exclaimed as he started to dance.

"Wait, Freddy, what happened?" Bonnie asked.

"I just sicc'd that defect on Sanchez! Operation Screw Sanchez part deux is a success!" Freddy exclaimed as he started to power slide into a party table.

"Wait, you weren't giving up?" Chica asked, incredulously.

"No, you stupid quail! I knew if we couldn't get our claws on Sanchez, we needed some heavy artillery! And you don't get no heavier then Golden F**king Freddy!"

The empty suit roared as it rose from the ground, towering over the senior scientist.

Rick, caught completely off guard, stumbled out of the swivel chair, backing himself up against the wall. As the bear came closer and closer, Rick weighed his options. Well, judging from some quick assumptions, that bear is clearly governed by properties not traditionally found in this universe. Shooting it with the ray gun would risk agitating those properties into an unstable quantum state, risking a rupture in the localized space-time continuum. Mass is approximately thirty pounds, or thirteen point six kilos if I was (ugh) European, of course that doesn't take into account any supernatural auras or spirits infesting the suit. That leaves me with only one viable option!

Immediately, Rick got to his feet, braced himself, and charged towards the suit. As the beast began to roar again, Rick leapt into the beast's mouth, his skinny frame easily allowing him to be swallowed whole. Caught off guard, the suit looked around, confused by what had happened. Believing its prey had literally exploded in fear (as living creatures were wont to do) the beast returned to the void from whence it came.

"OOf, cramp! AAAAhh, this is tight! This is, this is really tight!" Rick wheezed as he struggled for breath inside the suit. "Not like my ex, huh buddy!" He joked to himself.

"I don't know what you're talking about," the figure behind him replied.

"What the, who the heck are you?" Rick stammered.

"Oh, hello! I used to work night security at Freddy's before they… before the animatronics got me and stuffed me in the suit. My name is…" the security guard began.

"That's lovely, don't care," Rick replied as he struggled to get his arm free.

"So, uh, what are you doing here? I figured I'd be seeing Mike here before too long. Not that I'm complaining, mind you. Skinny fella like you isn't going to break the suit any," the guard rambled on.

"Uh-huh," Rick said as he managed to pry the portal gun from his pocket.

"So, uh, how long has it been since you started, huh?" the guard behind him asked.

"Bout belch two days," Rick said as he motioned the gun closer and closer to his teeth.

"Wow, that's… that's something. Most people last a week, but I guess we can't all be the best players on our first run through, huh?" the guard continued to blather.

"Friend, I ha*burp*ven't even begun to start!" Rick said before using his front tooth to activate the device.

The animatronics all gathered around the toilet, staring into the abyss.

"Chica, if you would please," Freddy asked solemnly. Chica approached with the glowing cube in hand, presenting it to the acting high priest.

"With this offering, O infinite one, we present thee," Freddy chanted as he plopped the cube into the water. "Foxy, now!" he cried as the pirate pressed down on the plunger. The cube swirled around and around until it vanished down the pipes.

"It's finally over, boss. The nightmare is finally over," Bonnie said as he patted his boss on the shoulder. "Now they'll have to rehire Mike!"

The animatronics all shared a laugh that was hastily interrupted by a sudden burst of energy that occurred just outside the bathroom stall. The animatronics all looked to see two figures watching them.

"Well, look who we have h"belch*ere! Chuckles the bear and his no-talent band!"

"Now, see here, mister. The Freddy Fazbear Band is beloved by children all over the tri-state area, and it be best if…"

"Oh, you came too. Get out of here, I've got bus… I've got business to deal with, starting with the fox," Rick said as he pulled out his portal gun. Before the Fox could charge him again, Rick fired the portal right at his feet. "There, furry! Now you can play around in dimension 34X2."

Bonnie nervously raised his hand. "Erhm, what's 34X2?"

"TWO D***S SOOOOOOO*BBUUUUUUUURP*NNNNNNN! Now the rest of you get back into the broom closet, I've got a huge cramp I need to rub out."

"Uh, I don't think that that would be the best for the animatronics. Their servos tend to lock up after a while when they remain in place, and…"

"ARE YOU STILL HERE?!"

Fazbear Battle Wagon TM (Formerly Pepe's Enchiladas and Meat Powder truck)

The Smith Family stared at their two captors as the truck sped down the town. The family hadn't said as much as a word since they saw the body tumble out the back. The two animatronics both simply sat and stared back at the Smith family, clutching their machine guns and trying to look more menacing then usual. Finally, Summer managed to find her voice.

"Wh-where are you taking us?" she asked.

"Eh, that's for us to know and you to find out. Isn't that right, Captain?" Bonnie said as he glanced towards the driver's seat.

"Uh… yeah! I mean, yeargh, we be docking at the port momentarily, ya swarthy landlubbers! Argh!"

Chica looked at the road. "Foxy… isn't that the same hobo we passed five minutes ago?"

"…Ye eyes deceive ye, fair fowl, for hence we arrive at our yonder destination, we be…"

Now Bonnie joined in. "Foxy, that's the high school! This is the third time we passed that!"

"… The stars, they… me compass be… I know what I'm doing!" Foxy whined.

"Oh, OK then! So… where are we?" Chica asked.

"…YOU ALWAYS DO THIS TO ME! YOU CAN'T JUST LET ME DEAL WITH THINGS MYSELF! IT'S ALWAYS NAG NAG NAG WITH YOU TWO!" Foxy started to whine.

"YOU TOLD US YOU KNEW WHAT YOU WERE DOING!" Bonnie screeched.

"MAYBE IF YOU WOULD STOP BITCHING FOR FIVE MINUTES!" Foxy retorted.

"Uh… ahem… if you guys are lost, maybe I could…" Jerry began. Immediately, all the animatronics swiveled their heads around 180 degrees. "STAY OUT OF THIS, MEAT-SACK!" they screamed in unison.

Just then did a laser blast hit the side of the battlewagon, knocking nearly everyone off their feet.

"BALLS! They found us again!" Foxy screeched.

"Gee, they found a food truck wrapped in barbed wire, however could they have done that," Beth snarked under her breath.

"You are in no position to critique, lady! Bonnie, Chica, grab the elderly and head to the rendezvous point as discussed! I'll take the… I mean… I'll be taking the sea lass to me lair! Har-har-har!"

"We get it, you're a pirate!" Jerry rolled his eyes as both he and his wife were hoisted up and, with a swift kick of the back doors, were carried out of the back. As the truck sped away, Jerry and Beth could hear their daughter call out to them!"

"PLEASE DON'T LEave me with this asshole!"

Some distance away, Scary Terry rejoined his partner on top of a building. "Look at those bitches! Running away like little girls, HAHAHAHA!" he laughed.

"They show remarkable resilience. Putting up with the Rick human would certainly harden anyone," his partner spoke through a voice modulator.

"Yeah, and if Rick had to get us to help him take them down, things must be getting serious, bitch," Terry answered.

"What is this "bitch" of which you seek? I was unaware that either of us were females of breeding age?" the partner spoke.

"No, I mean… whatever, bitch. I don't care," Terry replied dismissively.

"…Terry, could I ask of you a favor?"

"…What is it?" the expy asked.

"…Could you scratch me behind the ears. These mech arms are quite ill suited for the task," Snowball asked.