As they stepped out from under the tunnel of trees, Lux felt her frustration mounting. They were having a perfectly nice walk in the garden. Why did he feel the need to ruin it?
"Ezreal, love, we're good together the way we are. Why can't you be satisfied with what we have?"
Thankfully there was a bench by the Institute wall, two steps away. If this was going to be like some of their other discussions she wanted a place to sit.
"I just..." He sat down beside her, angled so their knees touched. "I just want more of a connection."
"We are connected."
He shook his head. Obviously he was frustrated too. She tried to be empathetic, receptive, but it was hard when her own feelings were out of joint.
He didn't meet her eyes when he said "Sometimes I feel more connected to Oriana."
Her spine straightened and her shoulders pulled back. Even Ezreal should know never bring another woman into it, mechanical or not.
"Ezreal. House Crownguard is a noble house that has served the kings of Demacia for innumerable generations. I myself have served honorably since my thirteenth year. Thanks to my brother, we are known to have the heart and the ear of house Lightshield. As the only daughter..."
"And I'm too much of a peon?" He interrupted. "Is that why you're always so distant? It's a class thing?" His face had gotten hard.
"No," she held her hands out palm up, pleading. "It's the opposite. It's because of all these things that I can even be with you at all."
"What?" Disbelief and confusion filled his voice.
"If I had sisters I would have to hoard my capital." Judging from his face she was not successfully communicating her point. She took a breath and tried again. "As the only daughter of the Crownguard household there is almost nothing I can do to reduce my value."
"You're invaluable to me too, Lux." He reached for her cheek.
She pulled back. "No. Not... not personal value." Had he not thought about this at all? "Dynastic value."
He took his hand back from the no-man's-land between them looking hurt, and not at all enlightened. She steeled herself. She didn't like to talk about this part. "When my father gives me in matrimony..."
"You want to get married?" Ezreal interrupted again. Why did he have to make this so difficult? Couldn't he just listen for once?
"No. I like my life the way it is for now, but it's not my decision."
"What? Of course it's your decision."
"I'm trying to explain. I'm... I'm part of a larger machine." Piltoverians loved their devices. Maybe this could help him see. "And one of my functions as part of that machine, one of my duties as a Crownguard, as a Demacian noble, is to be a bargaining chip in the dynastic game." Seeing the horrified look on his face, she hastened to continue. "Of course I'm more than that... I'm a soldier, I'm a mage, I'm a champion, I'm a guiding light to our people, but those don't negate each other and they don't negate this duty either." She took a deep breath.
Ezreal was looking shell-shocked, so she gentled her voice for the next part. "At some point, a week or five years from now, maybe more... but not more than ten, I have a shelf-life, you know?" She smiled at the weak joke.
"Lux!" He tried to gather her in his arms, but she held him away. She didn't want comfort, damn it!
"At some point I will be called up for that duty, and I will go. It may be to buy political allies, or to secure trade agreements, or buy return alliances for my brothers, it could be the ultimate reward for some great service rendered to my house or my country, or if the Institute has its way it could even be part of the seal on peace with Noxus." She paused.
"You make yourself sound like their whore!" was his bitter comment.
A weary smile worked its way onto her face. "Oh, love, I'm not even the whore. I'm the money that's paid her." But that sounded bad. Like maybe she was calling him a whore? But he had called her one first...
"I can't believe..." His voice was tight and angry. "I can't believe you're going to let them do this to you! You don't have to play their game! You don't have to sell yourself..."
She raised a hand to cut him off. She felt anger bubbling up to heat her body with new energy. "Are you suggesting that I abandon my duty? Run like a coward? I can give my love to any man I choose, and I choose my future husband!" Her eyes narrowed and her voice sharpened.
"When that day comes I will walk down the aisle with a smile on my face and a spring in my step." His hands were curling into fists on his knees and his eyes were flashing at her, but these signs only heightened her own anger, twisting her words into pointed barbs.
"I will not cry for another man. I will be a good wife. A wife without compare, so that he will know that whatever price he paid for me, it was not enough, and his gratitude will flow out over my house and my country. I will support him and defend him. I will run his household and bear his children. I will be an ornament to his house, and his life, and his bed."
He flinched, and her burning anger winked out like a candle-flame, leaving only a dim ember and bitter smoke.
"And," she continued, because she had to finish this. "unless you think you can accumulate enough prestige to demand the hand of the only daughter of house Crownguard before that day... that man will never be you." She sounded bleak to her own ears, it was such a cruel thing to say.
"If what I can give you isn't enough... maybe you should let go now."
There was a long pause. Before it was finished she knew what his answer would be, but she had already said enough. Let him say this. Finally, finally he shifted to look at her again. "Maybe I should."
Watching him walk away, she felt drained, she felt exhausted. She closed her eyes and leaned her head back against the bench. Why didn't they ever understand? She was so tired of this.
The sun on her face felt good, but then she opened her eyes to see the icing on this delicious cupcake of a day: a balcony right above her, with Darius leaning on the railing. Meeting her eyes, he smiled.
"Eavesdropping, Darius? That seems out of character."
"I never interrupt a bloodbath if I can help it."
She had landed some pretty low blows. Maybe she should feel guilty, but she couldn't summon the energy.
"I thought you were entirely frivolous," Darius continued. "That conversation completely changed my opinion."
"Darius..." She wrinkled her brow. "Are you trying to make me feel better? Because that also seems out of character."
The corners of his lips quirked up into an unpleasant smile. "Maybe I'm letting you know that I'm a man of power and... prestige, especially in my own country."
Her expression didn't change, because she was a lady, and also a freakin' spy. So if he thought he was going to surprise a reaction out of her, he was out of luck. Instead she said "Feel free. It's not up to me. Now if you'll excuse me..."
He waved a hand in permission, and she lurched to her feet. She kept her steps measured. She didn't want him to think she was running away.
Darius wouldn't be utterly horrible, she mused. But then she had to cut off that line of thought. She had a policy never to think about anyone who wouldn't be utterly horrible. When that day came she wanted to be relieved, not disappointed.
Her steps turned toward the practice fields. There were some days when a girl just needed to disintegrate things with lasers.