The few days that Amy had to remain in the hospital were up and down. Amy slept through most of the time; though, from what Ty could tell her sleep wasn't restful. She continued trying to fight her way through the onslaught of nightmares which just left her exhausted and upset when she did finally wake from them. She wouldn't say what they were about, but Ty could venture a guess. When she was awake, she was almost completely quiet and didn't remove her eyes from the television hanging on the wall across from her bed, though he would bet she had no clue what was up on the screen. A lot of the time Ty couldn't tell if she wanted him there with her or not, but couldn't bring himself to leave except for a few hours one afternoon when Jack came and threatened to throw him out himself. It was the first light moment since the accident and Ty was too completely drained of energy to argue. He didn't even realize it until he got in the truck to go home for a bit and couldn't find the strength to even lift his hands to grip the steering wheel at the thought of facing an hour drive home. So he just curled up on the bench seat and passed out until Jack was tapping on the window and saying Amy was awake and asking for him. Ty was awake then, finding the energy returned to his limbs as he climbed out and joined Amy again when she told him she wanted to go home.
Now, at home they were. Amy was walking on her own, but it was obvious every bit of movement pained her from her broken ribs. She was on decent pain meds to help keep her ability to breath and cough regular, but they usually wore off before she was allowed to safely take another dose.
The trailer was pretty much as they left it the morning they left for Calgary. Lou had dropped by a couple of days ago to get some of Amy's things to bring to the hospital during her stay and from the looks of it, took it upon herself to straighten up a bit.
Ty guided Amy to the bed and helped her down onto it. "You all right? Do you want anything?" She'd been quiet since leaving the hospital. Her silence was starting to worry him, but he wasn't going to push her to talk. Not yet, at least. Eventually, they both knew they were going to have to talk about it, but there was time enough for it.
"No, I'm okay," Amy replied with a slow shake of her head, easing herself onto the bed.
The last time Amy felt this empty was after her mother died. She just wanted to disappear and pretend it never happened. She wanted to cry until it didn't hurt anymore, but she couldn't bring herself to do it. The first and last time she'd cried was at the hospital and she just felt numb since then. Things like this happened all the time and women lost babies from less. That's what she kept trying to tell herself, but the guilt from being the cause of it just wouldn't allow her to have that peace of mind. It being an accident was something else she tried to accept, but she couldn't help but think it was somehow fate telling them that they weren't ready to have a baby. That her father was right, and there were other things she had to do with her life first. Mostly, she felt guilty because there was some small part of her that was almost… relieved. Ever since she and Ty announced to the family they were expecting, there was nothing but tension. It was most felt when Tim was around, but so easily spread through the rest of the family. Lou and Grandpa were obviously happy for them, but it seemed no one could have a conversation about the baby without it leading to the admittedly valid arguments her father brought up. The thing about that was, Amy wasn't sure if she wanted all of that exposure anymore. Since that "Miracle Girl" video, it just felt like her life experiences exploded into opportunities that sought potentially life-altering decisions. But whether they were for better or worse, had been the hardest question.
Amy both loved and hated the attention and reputation Heartland and her work was getting because it not only brought in business, but showed that people were starting to realize there were other ways to help their problems than getting rid of their horses. On the other hand, it put a lot of extra pressure on Amy to fix every horse that came to her. As great at her reputation was, it would be destroyed much easier now from all of the public awareness. Amy knew without a doubt that she didn't ever want to stop helping those horses, but she'd been thinking lately that maybe it would have been better all around if she hadn't given in to those clinics with Chase Powers or went on that Ring of Fire tour and just kept Heartland as her mother left it.
Her work aside, Amy couldn't help but think her dad was also right about them trying to raise a baby in this trailer. She leaned back against the pillows as Ty started to unpack her bag for her, looking out at the confined space that was hardly big enough for the two of them. Ty took up most of it just standing there at the table. She tried to picture where they would put a crib and how they'd have to end up changing diapers on the table. It never would have worked for long before something inevitably gave and they ended up back at Heartland with the rest of the family where even the space there was dwindling. With both the diner and Dude Ranch booming with business, Lou and Peter finally had the finances to get a place of their own, but leave it to Lou to be extremely particular about where her children grew up. All the talk of the houses she and Peter look at only reminded Amy of the ranch that got away from her and Ty.
"Amy?" Ty was talking to her, Amy suddenly aware of him watching her as her eyes refocused and looked up at him.
"Huh?"
"Did you want these in the wash or…?" She looked down at the clothes in his hands, trying to figure out why he was asking about them. He lifted the shirt to show her and her stomach almost turned over from the blood stains she saw.
"Throw them out. Throw everything out," she said, turning away and taking a slow breath.
"Okay. I'm sorry. I-" Ty should have known better. Blood was almost impossible to get out anyway. He didn't know why he asked.
"It's fine," Amy interrupted, shaking her head and glancing at him. She didn't want him to be sorry. He had nothing to be sorry about. She was the one who needed to be sorry.
Turning away again, Amy waited for Ty to throw the clothes in a bag and toss it in the garbage, then take it outside to the can. Closing her eyes, she relished in the moment alone she got. For days she felt so claustrophobic and like she was suffocating. All she was able to look at were white walls in confined spaces. That was all she was looking at now, but with Ty outside for those couple of minutes, she finally felt like she was able to breathe. Amy didn't want to tell him she just wanted to be alone; afraid he would think she was pushing him away. She wasn't, not really. She didn't want to, at least. She just wanted time to… process, to come to terms with the fact that she just lost their child without him there waiting for her to break again.
Sighing, Amy started shifting down the bed to lay down, reaching over to straighten out the messed up pillows from their little wrestling game the morning before the accident. She paused when her fingers bumped against something hard, moving the pillow aside to see the baby book she'd bought not long after finding out she was pregnant. Picking it up, Amy moved it over to her lap and opened it up to the tabbed page she'd been reading that morning. She looked at the little illustrations of the developing fetus and felt her heart again start to ache as her lip began to tremble. The tears were stopped abruptly when the door opened and Ty came back, causing Amy to quickly shove the book back under the pillow before turning and swinging her legs over the bed to get up.
"Here, let me…" Ty was quick to reach out to help her, but Amy brushed his hands away.
"I'm fine, Ty. I'm not an invalid. I can get up myself." Her words were a little bitter but she made an attempt for them not to be, feeling the guilt set in when Ty took a step back.
"I'm sorry," she apologized after standing. "I'm just tired of being cooped up inside. It's too much of a nice day to waste lying in bed. Let's go somewhere, or… go for a ride or something." She needed to get out of this trailer. There were too many painful memories here right now that she didn't want to be surrounded by.
Ty did his best to bite his tongue and not comment when Amy snapped at him. They didn't need him trying to defend himself to her and have it turn into some sort of argument. She knew he just wanted to help and make things easier for her, but it didn't seem she was as willing to do the same for herself.
"I don't think riding is a good idea. The doctor said to take it easy for the next few weeks. Why don't we just… go for a walk on the trails?"
Amy had it in her to argue, but knew Ty was right. The doctor didn't say no riding, but that was because he didn't know how much horses had a real impact in her life. Otherwise, she was certain he'd have banned it. She wanted to take Spartan out and let her mind get lost on the trails. It was the best form of therapy if there ever was one, but at this point she'd take anything just to get out of this damn trailer.
A/N - Okay, so to those who are new to this story, this is from my tumblr account and so far all I've written. So if you were excited that the updates were coming so quickly, it was because I was just copy and pasting. So, I'm sorry to say that they won't be coming as fast anymore since this is where I left off. To those who follow the story on my tumblr, everything from here on out will be new and as I stated in the story description, you will find those new chapters first on my tumblr, but I will post them here as well. =)