A/N: So this was not how I originally planned for this chapter to go, but that's the beauty of letting a story write itself. Even the person writing it can be pleasantly surprised. I actually like how this version came out better than my original idea. I hope it all makes sense, my mind was on the emotional roller coaster along with Tamy and I might have had trouble sufficiently explaining things, but I'm sure you'll let me know.
I also think this would have been an excellent final chapter to the story because of how brilliantly (not to toot my own horn) it ends. However, I realize there would be loose ends in need of tying up and we can't have that, so this isn't the end, but it's drawing near. I'd say there are maybe between 3-5 chapters left to get out of it, but we shall see. Anyway, enjoy!
She tried to hold it in. With all her might Amy stared out of the window, focusing on the road ahead, refusing to blink to release the tears, swallowing back sobs that threatened to erupt from deep within. The road began to blur. Amy blinked to get rid of the tears inhibiting her sight. But when those fell more followed, retracing the paths left down her cheeks.
She hated how things were with her father. Every time it felt like they'd finally made progress in their relationship something happened to screw it up again, and every time it was always Tim's fault. Because he was her father and she wanted him in her life after missing out on ten years together, she tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. To forgive his mistakes and move forward. But this time was different. She'd hit the last straw with his pushing and even if she wanted to forgive him for things to be okay again, she just couldn't. She'd tried today but then he had to go and blow it, making her believe that whatever he'd said was only to gain her forgiveness not because that's truly how he felt. Amy couldn't stand the idea of him having been right and having won when she lost the baby. Of course it had been nothing but a tragic accident and he was right that it would have happened no matter how he felt about it, but the fact that he hadn't been completely on board with her pregnancy didn't help. It only made Amy's feelings toward him almost bitter and resentful. She hated feeling that way about her own father, but just couldn't help it. She was too broken inside to try to bury those feelings. There just wasn't enough room for it all anymore and Amy could feel herself starting to crack as she pulled up to the trailer.
Ty's mind was buzzing as he drove the familiar roads out of town. The man at Maggie's and his offer was starting to sink in through the steely front he'd put up. Maybe he'd been too hasty to dismiss the man like that before bringing it up with Amy. He wasn't sure she considered that financial burden they would inevitably face, either, but to bring that up now just felt like he'd be tightening the noose. Telling her about the man at all might not be a good idea as it was bound to bring back the day of the accident all over again. She didn't need another reason to remember it when it already tormented her dreams at night. Yes, he noticed. It was hard not to when she was lying right next to him but getting no rest. Neither of them were, him lying awake worrying about her while she tried to fend off the nightmares. It just wasn't working anymore and while Ty told himself he would let her have the time she needed to grieve on her own, he wasn't so sure he could honor that anymore. He didn't like what they were becoming after going through something so tragic. They should be coming together and seeking comfort in each other instead of solitude.
By the time he pulled up beside Amy's truck at the trailer, Ty made the decision that they'd waited long enough.
Amy's shoulders shook with silent sobs as she leaned into the steering wheel. Breath was trapped in her lungs making them ache with the need to let it out. But she was afraid if she did it would all come out and she'd have no way to stop it.
Reaching to push the door open, Ty looked up to notice Amy still sitting in her truck, hunched toward the steering wheel. Quickly, Ty got out and grabbed the passenger door to let himself in, making her jump. She hadn't even noticed him come home. "Amy?"
Her hands flew to her face in a futile attempt to get rid of the tears and dry her eyes, but it was too late. Ty reached out for her arm, lowering it so he could see her. Somehow his gaze falling on her made it worse and Amy's face contorted with the effort to maintain control of herself. "What happened?" Ty would bet nothing, but he still felt the need to ask.
Her lip trembled and she clamped her mouth shut tight, shaking her head in answer to say nothing had happened. "Amy, you can't keep doing this. You need to talk to me." There was concern in his voice, but also frustration. He couldn't make her talk, but he shouldn't have to. She should want to talk to him and it bothered him a great deal that she didn't and preferred to steel herself to take it on alone.
Tears fell harder as Amy again shook her head, swallowing and opening her mouth to say with a shaking breath. "I'm fine." That was a lie. She didn't even know why she said it. They both knew it was furthest from the truth and Ty's sigh conveyed as much.
"If you're fine then why are you sitting out here in tears? What happened?" he asked again, though didn't really expect to receive an answer since he hadn't before.
Amy slumped back against the seat, using the sleeve of her shirt to again wipe at her face, but her eyes remained on her lap. For a very long minute the truck sunk into an ear-ringing silence, broken only by the muffled tweets of birds outside on the feeder. "I ran into Dad today," she said quietly, sniffing and clearing her throat when her voice came out raspy.
Ty ignored the fact that Amy told him she had no intention of going anywhere that day, knowing better than to believe she'd be true to her word. That was why he asked Caleb to stick around Heartland. "I take it that didn't go well?" It seemed like the obvious assumption given the state of his wife and it started to make Ty's blood heat up when she shook her head, thinking all of what Tim could have said to upset her so much. A lot of things came to mind.
Ty was moments away from getting back in his truck and tearing over to Big River to give Tim a piece of his mind, but the emotional wreck of the woman in front of him kept him from doing so. Tim wasn't who Ty needed to concern himself with right now, but his wife. "Hey," he said gently, reaching out to pull her into him. He ran his hand soothingly along her arm. "Don't concern yourself with him. He's the biggest horse's ass in Hudson County and I know a lot of people who would agree."
"He's my dad, Ty." Amy answered, letting her body relax against his and closed her eyes briefly. They burned from her tears.
"He may think he has the best of intentions, but no one can dictate what's best for you except you." Ty was speaking of Tim and the way in which the older man seemed to think he knew what was best for Amy, but he realized too late that what he said Amy had transferred to him as well.
"And you?" She leaned up, her bloodshot eyes narrowing into a frown. "Isn't that what you've been doing: telling me we need to talk things through."
Shit. That backfired. "That's not what I was talking about and you do need to talk to me, Amy." It was a completely different situation and she knew it, but it seemed she was that upset she'd use anything to hold onto her pain instead of letting it out like they all knew she needed to do.
"You're such a hypocrite," she mumbled scrambling out of the truck the same time as Ty, slamming the door and heading into the trailer.
Ty's frustration flared into annoyance when she tried to slam the door in his face. He was quick enough to grab it with one hand, pulling it back open as he reached out to grab a hold of her arm and pulled her around to look at him. "You need to stop being so selfish and quit this self-pity crap. You're not the only one who's been hurt, Amy! I was there, too. I was the father of that baby. I sat for days waiting for you to wake up, dreading the moment I was going to have to tell you we'd lost it. Do you know how awful that was for me? Do you even care how I feel about all of this?" His words were harsh, but they needed to be said.
For days all Amy seemed to care about was herself. She was all Ty cared about, but he had anticipated her seeking refuge in him. He'd hoped that they would have been able to spend these last few days coming to terms with their loss and finding a way to move on through each other and the love they supposedly shared. Ty understood how terribly Amy was hurting, because he was too, but she didn't seem to realize that being too caught up in her own misery to notice, or care.
Amy felt like Ty just slapped her in the face from the sting of his words. her eyes were wide for a moment, startled by his sudden forcefulness. She glanced down at the hold he had on her, twisting her arm out of his hand. "Now who's being selfish." He let go, not wanting to hurt her, though she was already hurting inside from what he'd said. He was right, of course, and now Amy felt twice as guilty for acting the way she had for the last few days, but the next moment she was hurting him as she physically pushed him aside and darted back out the door. "Just leave me alone." She couldn't stand to face him now.
"Damn it, Amy," Ty growled under his breath, striding after her as she headed back to her truck. He caught her, reaching out to snatch her keys from her hand. She held them tightly, fighting to maintain her hold on them when Ty pinned her up against the door of the truck.
"Stop it! Let go," she fought against him, striking him on the chest with her fist but Ty didn't ease up.
"No. Not until you talk to me." He wasn't forceful with her, but used his strength to keep her there and held onto her so she couldn't hit him, though she certainly tried. He kept her restrained and without another outlet to release her hurt, the dam finally burst.
Amy fell completely apart, her body going limp as she gave up the fight entirely. If Ty wasn't there to hold her up, she'd surely have collapsed to the ground. Everything came rushing out of her all at once. Every bit of anger, hurt, fear, resentment, guilt, poured out onto the ground, released through her tears.
It was heartbreaking to witness, Ty a little bit startled by how quickly it came, but he immediately released his restraining hold on his wife to gather her into his arms. She shook in his embrace from the force of her sobs, his arms tightening their hold around her as he closed his eyes and felt his own tears begin to form. He shushed her quietly, his lips resting in her golden hair.
For a long time neither one of them moved or said anything, Ty just waiting for Amy's breakdown to run its course. She buried her face in his shoulder, muffling her cries and only turning her face out again when she started gasping for air. Eventually, she tried to rein herself in, taking deep breaths in an attempt to slow her sobs.
"I do care," she forced out after a while, her voice trembling. That was the whole reason she'd been avoiding "the talk." She cared what he thought and was afraid that what he thought would be it was all her fault. That she had allowed the accident to happen or was even relieved that it had. For a brief instant afterward, she had been, and that fed the overwhelming guilt that ate her away inside. "That's why I've been avoiding it. I care what you think," she explained when her voice became steadier.
Ty didn't quite understand. If she cared then why had she been so distant? "We can't avoid it anymore, Amy. We can't keep doing this. Look what it's done to us. It's driven us apart when we should be closer than ever right now." He spoke over her head, running his hand down along her back while listening to her sniffle and continue trying to pull herself together again.
"I know. Ty, I'm so sorry. I made a terrible mistake thinking it would just get better on its own. It's only gotten worse. I get sick to my stomach any time I think about it and I can't sleep because of the nightmares… I'm afraid to try. But I was even more afraid to face it - to face you." Her voice fell to a whisper, almost hoping he hadn't heard her last confession.
But he had. Ty leaned back, taking Amy's shoulders to urge her to look up at him, his eyes searching hers. "To face me… why?"
Her eyes began to sting again when Amy met that gentle green gaze, making an attempt to lower them when Ty caught her face in his hands and kept her from turning away. "Because you were the father of that baby," she choked out, using his words from before. "Because I was supposed to take care of it. Because…" a breath shuddered out of her as the tears began anew. "Because it didn't live long enough to have a real identity which makes it seem even less important, but it was important, Ty. It was our baby. And I'm so-" She had to stop when another round of sobs forced their way out, but still tried to talk through them. "I'm so sorry I couldn't keep it safe." Amy felt her heart crack wide open as she confessed everything she'd been keeping bottled up inside of her the last few days. It hurt worse than anything she'd ever before experienced (even her mother's death) but it felt like a weight had been lifted.
Ty felt his own heart continue to shatter into a million pieces seeing Amy's agony finally break open. He knew she was hurting, but he really had no idea just how much until that moment. She tried to carry the weight of the whole accident around with her and that wasn't fair, not at all. Not when Ty knew the truth and for a fact it wasn't Amy's fault. "Did you think I'd blame you? Is that what this whole thing has been about?" It clicked then when Amy lowered her eyes in shame. "Are you kidding?"
Amy took a shaking breath before responding. "Our future was there Ty… it was here." She rubbed her hand over her empty belly. "It was our family… and then it was gone. I lost it."
Reaching down Ty took Amy's hand from her belly to hold in his. "You didn't lose it, Amy. It was taken from us. Please don't do this to yourself. It's not your fault. None of it." He tipped his head to touch his lips to her forehead, Amy closing her eyes. "Our future isn't gone. We still have so much to do and if you still want to, we can try again when you're ready. I know another baby won't replace the one we lost, but we can't let one tragedy prevent us from living our life. We'll get passed it, Amy. One day it'll hurt less than it does now until eventually it's a distant memory. I know you still miss your mom everyday, but you've moved on. Came to terms with her death and carried on her work. It got better in time, just like this will."
Amy's eyes remained pressed closed, her tears quieting but still slowly falling. Ty was right, as he'd been from the very beginning when he told her they needed to face it to move on. But it was the hurt facing it would bring that Amy had been so reluctant to feel, because it had crushed her. Now that it was all beginning to fade and the calm settled in, she knew it was the last step in letting go. And what was the next step? "I want to try again… when we're ready. I still want a baby with you, Ty - a family." Moving forward.