I want to thank all of you who are reading my story. I had tremendous fulfillment writing as well as a few tears. Like you, I love Ian and Wanderer, and even Nate. I appreciate the e-mails and I love it when you try to predict the future. It makes me smile. -NL

Broken Hearts

When I woke up Ian was gone. I was tangled in the blankets. I was wearing only my shorts. Lying next to me on his pillow was a single primrose from the garden and an envelope with my name on it. I looked around for my camisole but I couldn't find it. I sat up. I was alone. I felt very numb. I wanted to read the letter and then again I didn't. I got up and changed my clothes. I heard a commotion outside. I looked out the window. It looked like Jared and Burns were arguing. I could only guess Jared and the others were being informed of Ian's decision. It was all my fault. I sat on edge of the bed and turned the envelope over and over in my hands. My curiosity got the better of me and I opened it.

I began to read:

MY Dearest Wanderer,

Last night was the most wonderful and yet painful night of my life. I'm sorry I couldn't be there when you woke up. I think you can understand why. I spoke to Nate this morning. He has confessed to me that he does have feelings for you. I have asked him to go back with you to the caverns .Wanderer, you need to explore these feelings for Nate. I know that your first year here on earth was hard. I want you to be happy. If I am not the one you choose, I will understand but I want you to know that despite everything, EVERY moment I spent with you has been a gift and I will cherish it .I love you more than life itself .I hope you will take your time making this decision and I will pray every day that you will come back to me because you are taking my heart with you.

I Love You,

Ian

By the time I finished the letter my tears were falling on the paper. I carefully folded the letter and put it in my bag. I went to the bathroom. I washed my face and brushed my teeth. There would be no need for makeup. When I returned to the room, I made the bed. I picked up his clothes on the floor and put them in his bag. When I opened the bag, my camisole was on top. He had taken it. It was the only physical memory of me that he would have. I felt queasy. There was a knock at the door. Ian! He'd come back. I rushed to the door. It wasn't Ian. It was Nate.

"Can I come in?"

I stepped back allowing him access. I walked away and finished getting my things together. He closed the door gently behind him. He was quiet which was so unusual for him. He must have been pondering what to say and maybe what character to use.

"I think that Ian is making a good decision." He kept his voice low.

"Do you?" Of course he did. This would give him the chance he had been waiting for.

"I do." He walked to me and he put his hand on my shoulder and turned me slowly around to face him. "You can't deny the chemistry between us. I know I feel it every time I'm near you." I felt it too but then again I had to admit when I wasn't with him it wasn't Nate that my thoughts went to. It was Ian. It was always Ian. Maybe it was because I already had a relationship with Ian. Nothing had ever escalated beyond flirting with Nate. I could kiss Nate now and not feel guilty. Ian had released me from that promise. He wanted me to do this.

"Kiss me." I said flatly.

"What?" He seemed confused. It was a pretty simple straight forward request.

"I want you to kiss me Nate. Ian is gone. There's no reason for you not to kiss me." I was trying to sound like I wanted him to kiss me.

"Maybe you should give it a little time." He was hesitant.

"Okay then dance with me." The last time we danced it had nearly led to a kiss so I figured why not try again. I went to the CD player, The same CD was still inside. I forwarded it to the same song. I put my arms around his neck. He wrapped his arms around my waist. We started to dance. He looked deeply into my eyes trying to decipher what was going on in my mind.

"You know I never thought this could happen. I wanted it to but I never thought …" He looked at my lips. He was biting his lower lip. He wanted to kiss me. I pulled my hand from around his neck and brushed my fingers softly across his lips. He closed his eyes. I leaned in and gently pressed my lips to his. He kissed me gently. Then his passion took over. He kissed me with a hunger. I kissed him back. He was a good kisser. It wasn't like Ian. He was more like Jared, the explosive kiss. I grabbed his hair in my fist. He pulled me closer. It was enjoyable but something was wrong. When he held me in his arms the power that Ian possessed wasn't there. He didn't command my body the way Ian did. I realized in that moment that there was nothing besides enjoyment in kissing him. I wasn't 'in love' with Nate and I never would be. The kiss ended and Nate stepped back with his hands on my arms. He looked at me. His eyes were questioning my reaction. He was waiting for me to say something.

"Nate." I looked at him seriously. "That was nice." His body relaxed. He pulled me into a hug. "But …" He went rigid again. "Nate I love you. I can't deny that I feel love for you. You are cute, and funny, and witty, and even sexy but …"

He finished my sentence for me. "But you are not in love with me."

"No."

"But it was only a first kiss. Maybe after a few days …"

"Nate, after the build up over the last few days this kiss should have been, well you know."

Again he finished my sentence. "Mind boggling."

"Yes."

"So, I guess there is no need for me to go back with you to the caverns."

"No."

"Do you want me to go tell Ian?" I thought about this. He wanted Nate to return with me to the caverns. He wanted me to take my time making this decision. He would never believe that I could make up my mind after one kiss. He would assume that after what had transpired last night; that it was too quick for me to make an informed decision. He would make Nate come with me. I would have to leave and hope he would come back to me.

"Not right now. You can tell him after I'm gone."

"Don't you want him to go back with you?"

"I do, but he won't." I stepped up and hugged Nate. "He needs time."

He buried his face in my hair. "I'll miss you."

"I'll miss you too. I was really starting to learn your scheming ways."

He pulled back and smiled at me. "Really?"

I smiled at him. "Really, you know I engineered the whole thing between Burns and Lily."

"So, that was you, huh?" His smile reached his eyes now.

I just smiled back. "Oh! Lily!" The look of panic washed across my face.

"What?" He asked concerned with my expression.

"She will be sad too. She is leaving Burns!"

"Yeah, I saw some tears this morning. This day seems to be hard all around."

"Promise me something?"

"If I can."

"Promise me that you will take care of Ian and Burns? And that you'll call me and tell me how Ian is doing?"

"Who's going to take care of me?"

"Nate you are the craftiest person I know. That's why you are the leader here. I know there is someone out there willing to take care of you. Sarah loves you to death."

"She's fourteen!"

"Okay, well maybe not Sarah. But it will happen, I know it will. You are too great of a guy. Your twenty first girl will come along."

"Huh?"

"I'll tell you about it the first time you call me." There. I gave him a reason to call me so I could get an update on Ian.

"Are you ready to go? They are all waiting on you."

"No. I'll never be ready to leave Ian behind." I handed my bag to Nate and I grabbed my CD player. I took Nate's hand and let him lead me out to the crowd gathered outside.

Burns came to me immediately. "Are you going to be alright to drive? It's daylight and you have to go through the center of town."

"Yes, I can drive for a bit."

"Good. Wanda. Take care of Lily, okay?"

I threw my arms around Burns' neck. I started to cry again. "I'll miss you 'big brother'.

"I'll miss you too, 'little sis'" I could hear him gasping back the tears. As he pulled away from me he was wiping his eyes.

"Take care of Ian for me. Let him know that I love him. No, tell him that I am 'in love' with him. Tell him every day." I backed away from him. I climbed into the truck. I couldn't even see where to drive. I couldn't do this. My heart was breaking. Nate opened the door and hugged me.

"It's okay. Shhhhhh. It's okay. You'll see him again. Remember that what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger and when you and Ian get back together it will never be broken again. Now get your ass in gear and go home to your family."

"Thank you." I kissed him on the cheek and he closed the door. I started the van. I wept for a solid five minutes before I could see enough to drive away.

Jared spoke first from behind my seat. "Wait. Isn't Nate coming with us?"

"No. That won't be necessary."

Lily climbed across the back of the van and got on her knees behind my seat and put her arms around my neck. "Good." Then she whispered in my ear. "I knew you didn't love him."

I patted her arm. "You have good instincts. I should have listened to you."

"You had to find out on your own." She sat back down in the back with the others.

I settled in for a long drive. I didn't mind driving now that I was on the road. It kept my mind busy. I cried so much, that I felt like I was cried out, for now. I also felt better about the fact that Nate did not accompany me back to the caverns. The one thing that did weigh heavily on my mind was the fact that my last kiss was with Nate and not with Ian. Even though it would be Ian's kisses I would remember, it bugged me that Nate's lips were the last to touch mine. I turned on the radio. A few hours into the drive, the clouds moved in and the sun disappeared. Lily was singing lightly to the music. Melanie had fallen asleep in Jared's arms. Aaron and Jared were talking about the baseball game.

All of a sudden Melanie woke up. "I don't feel so good." She started to convulse.

Jared hollered. "Wanda, you need to pull over, now. She's going to be sick."

Luckily there was no one behind me. I pulled to the side of the road. Aaron pushed open the back door and Melanie didn't even make it out of the van. She threw up out the back door onto the roadway.

Jared was upset. "Are you okay Mel?"

I jumped out of the van and ran to the back. She looked terrible.

"Do you have anything for this?" Jared asked.

"Um, I think so. Aaron, give me my bag." Aaron reached into the front seat and grabbed my bag. He handed it to Jared who in turn handed it to me.

I started ripping the clothes out of my bag so that I could feel around to the bottom. Crap I had given the 'Heal' to Nate the other day. I don't know where the bottle went. "Here, I found it." I gave the bottle to Jared.

"Where am I supposed to spray this?" 'Heal was usually used on cuts, abrasions, or breaks. This was inside.

"I don't know. Maybe she could inhale it?"

Mel spoke. "It's okay. I'm okay now." Mel's eyes met with mine for a brief moment that indicated what I had suspected. She was throwing up because she was pregnant.

"Jared maybe you should drive now. It's getting dark. I'll stay with Mel."

"Mel?" Jared asked. Mel shook her head in agreement.

I climbed in the back, Jared slammed the door shut, and raced to the driver's seat. He did not feel comfortable being parked on the side of a highway, day or night. Aaron climbed between the seats and slid into the passenger side seat.

I pulled Mel to my lap. "You haven't told him yet?"

"No." She whispered.

"How long have you been getting sick?"

"About three days now. It's usually in the morning. Jared just thinks I'm going to the bathroom."

I put my hands to her ear and whispered, "Duh! That's why they call it morning sickness."

Lily was staring at us. She looked upset about being left out of our secret.

"We should tell Lily." I whispered.

Mel beckoned Lily to come over. She leaned across the van on her knees. Mel whispered in her ear. The look on Lily's face was classic. She was beaming.

"Wow." She murmured. Mel put her finger to her lips.

Lily mouthed the words "Jared doesn't know?" as she pointed to him.

"No." Mel said.

So we had our little secret society for now. I knew when Jared found out, it was not going to be pretty.

"I'm starving." I hadn't eaten since yesterday.

Lily pulled the cooler towards our little group. "There's plenty of food." She started handing out sandwiches and drinks to all.

"I don't know if I should eat." Mel uttered.

"At least try a little bit." Lily urged.

After we ate, exhaustion set in for me and I put my head in Lily's lap and fell asleep.

When I woke it was after midnight and we had just pulled into the campground at the halfway point. Aaron and Jared put the tarps on the ground along the side of the van. We each grabbed a sleeping bag and set it down. The guys slept on the outside and the girls slept in the middle. I had Lily on my left and Aaron my right. The bright sunshine woke me early. I found myself with my head on Aaron's chest. I guess in my sleep I assumed it was Ian. When I lifted my head to face Aaron, he was already awake and he looked very uncomfortable. "I'm sorry." I blushed.

"It's okay." He murmured. He got up immediately and headed off to the lone bathroom in this primitive campsite.

A wave of sadness spread over me as I realized how much I missed Ian. I sat quietly in my sleeping bag awash in the memories of his beautiful face. He had called me
Wanderer instead of Wanda for the last several days before we left. I imagine he was trying to tell me that he loved Wanderer the soul as much as Wanda the body. I wanted to jump in the van and race back to him. The sound of someone gagging caught my attention. It was Mel. She was getting sick again. She was fighting to get out of her sleeping bag. She crawled to her feet but only made it a short distance before she fell to her knees again and began to throw up.

I got out of my sleeping bag and ran to her side. Jared had been storing his sleeping bag in the back of the van. When he saw her getting sick again, he became alarmed. "Wanda we have to try to heal her."

Mel put her hand up to stop him. "I'm okay!" She was getting to her feet. She looked tired even though she had just woken up.

"Come on. We'll be home tonight and then you can see Doc." I put my arm around her waist.

"I'm okay." She insisted. "I need to talk to Jared."

My eyes widened. "Are you sure?"

"Yes."

I hightailed it to Lily and Aaron. "Come on. We are going for a walk." I grabbed each of them by the arm and began dragging them in the opposite direction.

"She's going to tell him?" Lily asked.

"Tell him what?" Aaron was out of the loop.

Then I heard it. Jared. I stopped dead in my tracks and listened.

"YOU"RE WHAT?"

I turned to look at them. Jared was flailing his arms. "Mel! We discussed this! No CHILDREN, remember?"

Aaron finally caught on. "Children? Mel's pregnant?"

I had to go and help Mel. I turned and marched back to where Jared was screaming at her in an endless tirade.

"How could you do this?" He yelled at her. She just stood there wincing with tears in her eyes with every accusation he threw at her.

"STOP YELLING AT HER!" I bellowed.

"Shut up, Wanda. Mind your own business." Jared growled at me.

"This is my business. I was in that body with her, remember? The same day they took me out, you made love to her, didn't you?" He didn't answer. "Didn't you? Did you even consider birth control that night?"

He didn't answer. He just walked away.

"THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT!" I called after him.

Mel was shivering. I hugged her tight to me. "It's okay, It's out now. Let him chew on it for awhile." I used my thumbs to wipe away her tears. "You and Jared are going to make the most beautiful baby!"

Mel chuckled through her tears.

"You'll see."

It was daylight again so I had to drive. The others got into the back of the van. Lily held Mel to her side and glared at Jared who sat as far away from Mel as he could.

The next few hours were dead silence. I decided to pull off the exit to a mid size town and stopped to get gas and fried chicken for everybody. There was still plenty of soda in the cooler. Mel refused to eat citing that just the smell was making her nauseous.

When we pulled into the first of our 'parking garages'; it was still light. We had to wait for the cover of darkness before we could continue. I took the opportunity to call Burns and see what happened after I left. I crawled into the back seat of the Jeep we would be traveling in. Mel and Lily were still in the van. Jared who couldn't wait to get out, was helping Aaron load things into the back of the Jeep.

Burns had programmed his and Nate's cell phone numbers into my contact list. It was about six o'clock so they would most likely be getting ready for dinner. The phone rang four times before Burns answered it.

"Hello?"

"Hey, it's me."

"How are you holding up?"

"About as good as can be expected. Mel got sick on the way home. She told Jared that she's pregnant."

"Are you kidding?"

"No. I'm not kidding. And Jared is not too happy about it."

"Oh."

"The good thing is, all her drama helped to keep my mind off all my drama."

"I guess that's good."

"How is he?"

"Not so good."

"Care to elaborate?"

"Sure. Well, Ian was at the field when you left. Nate tracked him down and told him what happened with you. Apparently he was upset."

"Well I can understand how he would be upset that I kissed Nate."

"He wasn't upset about that. Well, maybe he was but he told Nate that he was upset that Nate didn't go with you."

"Yeah, he was pretty adamant about me spending time with Nate. He wanted me to make sure my decision was well thought out. That's why I asked Nate not to say anything until I was gone. He would never believe that I could make up my mind after one kiss."

"Yeah, well, he didn't come home last night."

"What? Where is he?"

"You're never going to believe this." He paused. "He slept on the field."

"What?"

"I found him asleep next to the bench." He chuckled. "He was a grassy dirty mess."

"Oh, no. Burns you were supposed to watch over him."

"Well he showed up for dinner and then he disappeared again. He didn't say two words to anyone all day."

"How is he today?"

"I don't know. I told him that you are 'in love' with him. He's still not talking."

"Please make sure he sleeps in the house tonight. Tell him that I said if he really loves me he will sleep in the house."

"Okay."

"How is Nate?"

"Nate's been quiet too. It's been really quiet around here."

"Okay, do you want to talk to Lily?"

"You know I do."

"Hold on." I got up out of the jeep and went around to the van. "Lily. Do you want to talk to Burns?"

As she scrambled to get out of the van, I spoke to Burns again "Here she is."

"Wanda?"

"Yes?"

"Take care of you okay? I love you, little sis." That was it. The waterworks started all over again.

"I love you too." I handed the phone to Lily.

It was just as hard being away from Burns as it was from Ian. He really was like my big brother. Then I began to think about Ian lying in the baseball field. What could have been going through his head? There was a huge lump in my throat. My eyes stung. I climbed back into the van with Mel and we hugged each other and cried. I cried for my man and she cried for hers. It was almost like being together in one body again.

Darkness settled on the desert. We piled into the jeep. All three of us girls were teary eyed. Lily had started to cry when she had to say good bye to Burns. Jared was still livid about Mel's pregnancy. Aaron was just glad to get home so he could get away from all of us.

The run to the cave was silent. Since Mel wasn't feeling well, the pace was much slower so I was able to keep up. We even stopped twice and walked for a bit.

Brandt was the first one to greet us. He was look out. "Good to have you back."

"Glad to be back." Aaron spoke for the group since none of us were in any mood to talk. It seemed that we had a lot to tell but no one really wanted to tell it.

Once we got to the main cavern, we were spotted by Jamie.

"You're back!" He called and he ran around the garden to get to us. He ran to Mel first. He grabbed her and she held him tight in her arms. She seemed like she would never let go.

"Oh, Jamie, I missed you!" She looked at him and her eyes began to well up with tears. I was sure the pregnancy only added to her emotional state of being.

"Don't cry! I'm fine, look! Not a scratch on me. Doc and Jeb took real good care of me." Then he hugged Jared. Jared didn't smile but hugged him back.

"Where's Jeb?" Jared asked.

"I think he's in the infirmary with Doc. Jeb's been thinking about a new lighting system in the lower levels. They've been drawing up plans. They've been waiting for Wanda to come back to get what they need." Jared walked off to the infirmary.

"Hey ,Wanda." I was overwhelmed by his cheeriness as he picked me up and spun me around before putting me down again.

"Lily, nice to have you home." He hugged her as well.

"Where's Ian?"

I bit my lip. I couldn't answer the question.

"He's not here." Mel responded. She grabbed her brother and led him away down the hall leaving me and Lily behind.

Lily was sullen. "I'm going to bed."

"I don't think I can go in that room right now. Do you mind if I sleep with you?"

"No, I don't really want to be alone either."

We headed off to Lily's room. I dropped my bag and my CD player in a corner, I remembered how neat Lily was and I didn't want to make a mess.

"I'll just go get my pillow and blanket."

I walked quietly through the dark tunnels. They seemed so dreary to me now after spending so much time in the outdoors. Even if the circumstances weren't what they were, I could see why Ian would have stayed. This was basic lodging. I would have to see about acquiring items to make this place more like home. Actually the lighting idea was a good idea. Jeb always thought practically. It would be nice to have the game room more homey. TV was out due to the lack of reception but there was always the option of movies. I got to my room and when I stepped inside I saw the room was just as I had left it. The blanket was still folded neatly with the pillows on top. Ian's baseball cap and his little box of pictures were still on the shelf where I had left them. What was missing was a door. I guess he did destroy the door the last night before we left. If only we could go back to that night. I swear I would have reacted very differently than I did to his sexual past. That was where this whole thing started. I fell to my knees and picked up his pillow. I held it to my face and I began to sob uncontrollably.

"Wanda?" I must have been hearing things. I could hear Ian's voice calling my name. "Wanda? There you are."

It was Kyle. I had forgotten how much they sounded alike. He found me on my knees sobbing into the pillow. He approached me very cautiously. "What happened? Why didn't Ian come back with you?"

"It's all my fault." I cried. He got down on his knees and took the pillow from me and held me in his arms. It was almost like being in Ian's arms. It felt good and yet at the same time it just made me even sadder.

"Talk to me, what happened with my brother?" He was pleading.

"You remember Nate?"

"The leader of the mountain clan. Yeah, nice guy."

I took a deep breath. "Nate … well, he decided that he liked me. He's not the type of guy to sit in the shadows. He was charming and …"

"Did you sleep with him?"

"No!" I paused. "He's a very smart man. He knows how to manipulate people and situations. Ian saw what Nate wanted him to see. I got confused."

"What the hell are you saying Wanda?" I could see his hands tensing.

I bit my lip. I was afraid of Kyle. He had come very close to killing me more than once.

"I have to go."

He grabbed my shoulders to stop me. "Wanda, what did you do?"

I winced. "Kyle I'm afraid."

"Afraid of what?"

"Of you!"

He let go of me. He sat on the mattress. He looked down. "I don't mean to frighten you. I'm just concerned about my brother."

"I'm supposed to think about what I want. He wants me to make a decision."

"What's your decision?"

"I love Ian with all my heart."

"Then what's the problem?"

"It's complicated."

"I've got all night."

I sat with Kyle for a long time and I told him everything I could remember. It brought back memories of things I wanted to forget.

"So you broke him." He finally said.

"I didn't mean to!" My emotions were riding so close to the surface. Almost anything he could say would have set me off. "I'm so tired of crying, but I can't seem to stop!"

"Come here." He pulled me down on the bed and wrapped himself around me. "Close your eyes. Sleep. I know my brother. He loves you. He will come around. I'll watch over you till he does." He held me until I drifted off to sleep.