Chapter Eight.
I wished that I had time to visit Rosalie after school today. I had told Emmett I would work extra hours on the weekends because school was starting. Emmett being the softy that he is he told me I didn't have to, but I needed the money. I wasn't going to rely on Rosalie for everything. I'm eighteen now, so I figured I might as well act like it.
Sighing I pulled into the empty Forks High School parking lot, and shut off the ignition. In a way, I was excited for the beginning of a new school year. I was finally a senior and that much closer to graduating. On the other hand, I had to stand back and watch Alice and Jasper continue their lives as if they had never known me. I wasn't sure if I could handle that. I griped the steering wheel tightly with both hands, and bit my lip as I tried to hold back the tears of frustration.
Neither of them deserved my love, and I was well aware of that fact. I couldn't stop loving them. Regardless of what they did, they were still my best friends. They betrayed me when I needed them most, the pain and resentment from that has left me bitter, and cold. I still love them though. I could never truly hate them, and for that, I hate myself.
The tears fell from my closed eyelids before I could stop them. Roughly, I banged my forehead against the steering wheel. I wasn't sure what I was hoping to get from that. I didn't make me feel any better, and it didn't stop the tears. I hated crying, and it seems like I've been doing a lot of it lately. I reached over, and flipped on the radio hoping Chester Bennington's voice would console me.
At that time cars started pulling into the lot, I didn't pay them any mind. I was too busy drowning in my own misery. I longed for the numbness I had felt after Charlie died. I was tired of feeling like this - like my chest had been tore open and someone had come in and ripped my heart out. I'd rather feel numb. Numb was easier. Numb was safe.
Finally I was able to control the tears. I sat up and took a deep shaky breath to calm myself. I reached into my bag, and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. I put one in my mouth, and lit it. I took a hit, and pinched the bridge of my nose between my forefinger and thumb. Pulling my phone from my pocket, I checked the time and groaned. It was time for me to leave the safe confines of my truck, and enter the splash zone. I had butterflies in my stomach, and they weren't the good kind. It felt as if my heart had dropped into my ass, and my pulse was racing.
I checked my face in the mirror, making sure nothing strange was oozing from my eyebrow piercing, or my monroe piercing. Tucking my hair behind my ears, I examined the gauges, and the other five ear holes. I turned the barbell in my industrial a few times, before fixing my hair and bending down to look at my new tattoo.
I was stalling, but I need to calm my heart rate before I went anywhere. Once I was sure, I looked almost perfect, I took the keys from the ignition, grabbed my bag, opened the door, and slid out of the cab. I took one last hit from my cigarette, and tossed the butt somewhere off to my right. Hesitantly I shut the door, and locked it. Without taking a step forward, I took in my surroundings.
The underclassmen rushed off the yellow school busses. It was easy to tell which ones were freshman, because they looked just as scared as I felt. The upperclassmen arrived in their cars, pulling into the lot, greeting each other with smiles. Most of them I recognized, they were classmates of mine. However, there was someone I didn't recognize. I watched him as he parked his Harley only a few spaces down from me, I stared in wonder as he removed his helmet, and ran his fingers through his dishevelled copper hair.
Whoa. tried to examine his features from where I was standing but I was finding it annoyingly difficult to do without my glasses on. I wondered who he was. I couldn't tear my eyes away from this beautiful stranger. I watched as he tucked his helmet under his arm and head for the building. Almost every female in the parking lot was watching him, and I didn't blame them.
I was shocked out of my thoughts by someone smacking the back of my head. I looked up to find Angela smiling at me. I smiled back at her, and pulled my cigarettes from my bag, lighting another one. One quick smoke before the bell couldn't hurt. I thought to myself. I heard Angela "tsk" from behind me, but I ignored her.
"Did you catch a glimpse of the new kid?" she asked. I nodded, taking a long drag from my cigarette. "Yeah, I did. He's quite the sight." I told her, smoke blowing out of my mouth as I spoke.
"I wonder who he is," she said under her breath. "Hell if I know," I commented back. We were silent for a few moments, I hit the cigarette again and blew the smoke out of my nose.
"How's Ben?" I asked her. She smiled her eyes, tucking a piece of her dark brown hair behind her ear. "We're wonderful."
"I'm happy for you."
I loved Angela, she was probably one of the sweetest girls I've ever met. She was quiet, and reserved like myself. I hadn't really spoken to her until Alice and I stopped being friends. I had a tendency to limit myself to only Jasper and Alice, which I regret now.
We both groaned when the bell rang, signaling that we were late for first period. I threw the unfinished cigarette across the lot and rushed to class with Angela. Silently we snuck into Mr. Varner's classroom. He glared at us as we took our seats, but didn't say anything, which was good. The period went by slower than I would've liked. I was more than relived when the bell rang. Ben was waiting outside of the classroom when the bell rang. Angela greeted him with a kiss on the cheek. Smiling I told her I'd see her in P.E.
With a smile on my face, I strutted down the hall, heading for my locker.
The smile dropped the minute I saw them. The way he looked at her, it was like she was the only person that existed for him. He never looked at me that way. I felt my heart break into a million tiny pieces as he looked over at me with a sad smile. I looked away and turned to my locker. With a sigh, I opened my locker, and buried my face inside it as a single tear rolled down my cheek.
I was instantly reminded as to why I did not want to be here. Without taking anything out, I slammed my locker shut, and quickly turned away before I broke down the middle of the hallway. I pulled my schedule from my bag, and groaned when I realized I had biology next. This was probably the worst class you could possibly have to take. I've already taken it twice, and failed the course each time. Skipping class has that effect I suppose. The only reason I was still taking it is because having that class is a graduation requirement, and I was not graduating a year late because of biology.
I walking into Banner's classroom with a frown. "It was nice of you to show up Ms. Swan." Mr. Banner greeted me was I walked in. "It's not too late for me to skip. Don't test me." I shot back. He chuckled. "You've been quite the entertainment these past two years." I forced a smile.
"Where's my seat?"
Glancing at the seating chart, he pointed to a desk that was all the way in the back. A small smile painted itself on my face when I noticed the new attractive student sitting next to my empty seat. "Your seat is all the way in the back, next to Mr. Mason." He informed me. I nodded sharply, and walked slowly to my seat.
I could feel his eyes on me as I removed my jacket. I glanced up at him through my eyelashes, and my breath caught in my throat.
The first thing I noticed about him was his beautiful green eyes. They were a deep emerald color, and sparkled with mischief. After a few moments, I moved on from his eyes, to examine the rest of him. He had a perfect pointy nose, and angular cheekbones. His hair was disheveled auburn mess that I longed to run my fingers through. He had his sleeves rolled up exposing his pale tattoo covered arms. My eyes bugged out of my head, and I sucked in a shaky breath.
Holy shit. I thought. I couldn't tear my eyes away from the canvas. His tattoos were beautiful. They told a story, and I longed to know the meaning behind each one of them. I clenched my fist to keep myself from reaching out and running my fingers over the pink hibiscus flowers that covered the inside of his forearm.
"See something you like?" He smirked. His voice was just as beautiful as the rest of him. It was smooth, masculine, and music to my ears.
I scoffed at his arrogance, and reluctantly pulled my eyes away from his arms.
"Not a chance," I replied, fiddling with my monroe piercing with the tip of my tongue.
"I'm Edward. Edward Mason." He introduced himself, holding his hand out to me. With a small smile, I took his hand in mine. "I'm Bella." I breathed. I ignored the surge of electricity that shot up my arm when my thumb came into contact with the blue sparrow on his wrist, brushing it off as Jasper induced nerves.
"It's nice to meet you Bella," he smiled a crooked smile.
"Like wise."
A heard of students rushed into the classroom seconds before the late bell rang. I was more than proud of myself for being on time today. The thought of getting up and leaving was tempting, but the need to actually pass this class kept me from moving. I kept stealing glances at Edward from the corner of my eye, every time I would look over at him he would already be looking at me, and unreadable expression on his face. I had a slight attraction to Edward, he was a God; how could I not be somewhat attracted to that?
It reminded me of the first time I had seen Jasper. I instantly felt a connection between the two of us, and I knew we would be great friends. He was a perfect gentleman. He had a great smile, beautiful blue eyes; his surfer boy blonde hair was ultimately my downfall. His slight southern accent was an added plus.
My stomach was attacked by swarms of butterflies whenever he was around, and I found myself smiling at the thought of him. I fell fast and hard for Jasper. He was my first love, and I doubt if I'll meet anyone who could have that effect on me ever again. Obviously, Jasper had no problem finding someone new, I only wished that it were that easy for me.
I frowned, blinking away the unshed tears. I hated that he still plagued my thoughts. I wish I could just dispose of him, like old shoes.
Jasper was old shoes, the old shoes that you've had for what seemed like forever. You know you should toss them in the trash but you have so many memories with those shoes you couldn't imagine your life without them in it. My eyes burned from the sting of the unshed tears. When the bell rang, I stood up quickly, gathered my things and almost ran from the room without looking back.
The rest of the day passed by quicker than I would've expected, and I was thankful. When the last bell rang, I darted from the building and headed for my truck. I smoked another cigarette on the drive to Spoons, after a few short minutes I pulled my Chevy into the Spoons Ink parking lot, and shut off the ignition. Grabbing my purse, I slid from the cab, tossed the cigarette butt to the side and headed inside.
"Woo! Bella's here!" Embry shouted, leaving his seat from behind the counter and pulled me into a tight hug.
"It's nice to see you too, Embry." I laughed. After a few moments, I managed to free myself from his arms. I turned to the coat closet, and quickly hung up my jacket. I pulled my hair into a high ponytail and made my way over to the front desk. I dropped my bag on the ground, and took a seat.
"How was school?" Embry asked with a wide grin.
I laughed. "It was fine." I replied wryly, and turned to Renesmee. "Is he alright?" she groaned. "We went to Esme's this morning for coffee, and he had like five espresso shots."
I burst out into a fit of giggles. Renesmee smacked me on the back of the head, which caused me to laugh harder. "So... he's... be-e-en like... this... all... day?" I managed to choke out between giggles.
Renesmee glared at me and I took that as a yes. I was more than thankful that I had school today. Embry without any caffeine was a handful, I couldn't even begin to imagine the shit Renesmee went through today with him on five espresso shots. After a few moments, I managed to control my laugher, and turned to Renesmee.
"You're a bitch." She groaned. I shrugged, I wasn't going to deny it. Renesmee chuckled. "How was school?" She asked, giving me a strange look and I knew she was referring to Jasper.
"It wasn't horrible." I told her honestly.
"Did you cry?"
"I almost did." She didn't say anything. We sat in silence for the rest of the afternoon; I fiddled around on the computer playing solitaire. I nodded my head to the music playing in the shop fighting the urge to break out with some air guitar.
"Where's Emmett?" I asked, breaking the silence.
"He's been with Rose all day." Renesmee replied. I nodded, but didn't say anything. I would rather be with my sister right now but I had told Emmett I would work extra hours, and I wasn't going to go back on my word. Eventually playing solitaire got boring, I reached into my bag and pulled out my sketchbook.
"I need a drink." Renesmee whined. I nodded in agreement. "You're not the only one."
"I'd say let's send Embry, but he's passed out." I laughed nodding to his sleeping form.
"I knew he'd crash eventually," Renesmee scowled. I sat my sketchbook on top of the counter, and reached into my bag, pulling out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. I hopped of the stool, and headed outside. "Come with?" I turned to Renesmee. She nodded, and followed me outside.
As winter drew closer, the days became shorter. While I hated winter, the only thing I took solace in was the shorter days. I loved the night. Life seemed easier at night - at least to me anyway.
The air was crisp, and freezing. It burned my skin, but I welcomed the feeling. I breathed in the dry winter air, as I tried to clear my head. I could see visible puffs of air as I breathed. I pulled out a cigarette and lit it before handing the pack to Renesmee. Once she lit her cigarette she handed the pack back to me, and I slid it inside my back pocket.
I took a long drag from my cigarette, and stared up at the sky. I tried counting the stars in an attempt to get my mind off Jasper. "Ness, I don't know what to do," I said, taking another hit from the cigarette. "I wish I could just move on." I admitted.
"You'll find a way." she smiled. I chuckled darkly. "It's been so long that I doubt if I'll ever be able to."
"I know what you're thinking and you're not destined to be alone." I rolled my eyes, chuckling darkly.
"The course of true love isn't easy." she tried to sound serious and I laughed. "If you're going to quote Shakespeare at least quote him right. 'The course of true love never did run smooth'."
"Sorry, I'm not a nerd like you." She giggled.
"Nessie, I just feel really stuck, and I hate it." she opened her mouth to say something but I wasn't finished. "I hate sitting in the background watching Jasper and Alice change, and move on with their lives, and I'm still the same. I'm in love with Jasper, and I miss Alice. Why can't it be easy for me like it was for them?"
"What makes you think it's been easy for them?"
"You do remember what they did to me, right?"
"Yes dear, that couldn't have been easy for them. They love you."
I scoffed. "If they loved me they wouldn't have done what they did." "I'm ready to move on..." I trailed off. I took a final hit from my cigarette, and tossed the butt out into the parking lot.
"Just stay strong baby. I think some things are gonna change around here." She smiled pulling me into a tight hug. Taking one last hit off her cigarette, she kissed me softy on the forehead. "Just wait and see. Things are gonna change."
Untill my next update,
Raybabiieex3.