Disclaimer: SM owns Twilight

Chapter fifteen

The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. I internally rolled my eyes at Renesmee's words. I didn't agree with her in the slightest. Rebounding wasn't something I did, felt the urge to do, or believed in frankly. I wasn't a firm believer in casual sex at all really. It's never appealed to me.

I've always felt like sex should be between two people who are madly in love, they don't have to be married or anything but they should really care about each other. I know that sex feels good and stuff but wouldn't it feel better if you were sharing the experience with someone you deeply loved and cared for? I think so.

I know I'm a bit of a hopeless romantic but still, that's the way I feel. Which is why I'm getting so worked up over my unhealthy desire for Edward. I've never really lusted after someone before.

Sure, I felt lust for Jasper. I enjoyed his body and the waves of pleasure he gave me but I never felt an overwhelming desire for him. What small bits of lust I had for Jasper were nothing like the maddening urges I had for Edward.

That frightened me.

I wasn't sure how long I'd be able to ignore the urges I had for him. A part of me wondered if I really even wanted to ignore them. Edward was an asshole, I had barely spoken to him in the short amount of time that I've known him, but that much I was sure of. However, he intrigued me. I wanted to know him, I wanted him. And badly at that. One girl only has so much self-control. It was only a matter of time before my desire won the raging war between body and mind, inhabitation be damned.

I wasn't sure if I'd be able to handle the aftermath of Edward and I having sex. Surely, it wouldn't end well. Those things never do.

Throughout the duration of my shift at Spoons Renesemee and Embry kept staring at me with calculating expressions on their faces. Every so often they would turn away from me, whisper quietly to one and other and turn around, smirks playing at the edges of both of their mouths.

They were plotting my date, I knew it.

I found myself dreading the blind date I stupidly agreed to. I didn't want to date again. I didn't feel the urge to put myself out there. I didn't want to open my heart up to another person. I gave up so many pieces of myself in my relationship with Jasper, I wasn't sure if I was capable of letting anyone else in.

I sighed deeply and pulled a cigarette from the box, placing it between my lips. I quickly lit it and took a calming first drag as I walked over to my truck. With the hand that wasn't holding the cigarette, I opened the door and threw myself into the cab.

Once I had the keys in the ignition I reached over and flipped on the radio. I was hoping that I could find some sort of distraction from the music. I rolled down my window as I pulled out of the Spoons parking lot. I hung my hand out of the window as I drove, smiling to myself as the cool air burned my skin.

I flipped through the tracks on the CD I had left in the slot for a few moments, trying to find something I felt like listening to. Eventually I settled for Blink 182's All The Small Things and turned up the volume.

The upbeat, pop-punk sound deeply contrasted from my usual hard rock, heavy metal music choices but I still found myself nodding my head to the music and singing along to the lyrics of the familiar tune.

After a ten minute commute I pulled into my drive way and parked next to my sister's BMW. I pulled the keys from the ignition and stepped out of the cab. I took one last hit from my cigarette before throwing the butt somewhere in my front yard and entered the house.

My thoughts drifted back to Edward. I wanted to see him again, I hoped that he would be in biology tomorrow. I was more than agitated by his dickbag attitude, but I still felt an unexplainable desire to see him again.

I slowly dragged myself up the stairs and entered my bedroom. I quickly stripped my clothes and replaced them with a simple pair of sweats and an old band t-shirt. Without second thought I slipped into bed, burying myself beneath the duvets and sheets.

I felt sleep creeping up on me and I didn't fight it. Quickly I fell into a deep sleep with dreams of sparkling emerald green eyes, copper colored sex hair and colorful tattoos painted beautifully on the pale canvas of Edward's arms.

oooOooo

I felt slightly embarrassed at school the next day because my growing obsession for Edward Masen had escalated to the point of having dreams about him. I felt a small blush pool beneath my cheeks at the thought.

Mr. Banner gave me a skeptical look as I entered his class room. It was out of character for me to show up to his class at all, let alone three days in a row. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes at him as I made my way to my seat.

Class dragged on and it became clear that I wouldn't be seeing Edward today. I was disappointed by his absence, but not all that surprised by it.

I jumped when I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. I pulled it out, and slid it open so I could access the full keyboard.

One New Message: Embry

I quickly opened the text and frowned.

Come to my place after school for one last practice before Esme's tomorrow night.

-Embry

I groaned softly to myself. Thanks to my Edward hazed thoughts I had completely forgotten about my upcoming performance at Esme's.

When the bell rang, I quickly gathered my things and headed straight for my truck. I chain smoked half a pack of cigarettes on the fifteen minute drive to La Push. I drove through the reservation, quickly finding Embry's house and pulled into his drive along side Renesmee's car.

I entered Embry's home without knocking and made my way downstairs to the basement. Quil smiled widely at me when I entered the room. "Hey Bella," he said cheerily.

"Hello," I smiled at him. I acknowledged Embry and Rensemee with a quick nod and strode over to the microphone to stand next to them. With a smirk Embry handed me the all black electric guitar and I couldn't help but smile when my skin came into contact with the smooth surface of the instrument.

"Ya know Bella," Quil smiled as he took a seat behind his drum set, "if I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together."

"Shut up Quil," I laughed. He winked at me in response and I shook my head at him.

Renesmee smiled wickedly at me as she strummed a few notes on her bass guitar.

"What?" I demanded a bit harsher than necessary.

"Oh nothing," she laughed. I raised an eye brow at her and she smirked in response. "Embry do you want to tell her or should I?"

"You can do the honors Ness," Embry turned and winked at me.

"So," Rensemee began, "I hope you haven't forgotten about the date you agreed to."

"Like I could forget," I muttered under my breath.

"Well," she smiled, "I would like to inform you that we have found an acceptable candidate to fuck Jasper out of your system."

I blushed lightly and glared at them. "Who is it?"

"Not tellin' ya," Embry smiled smugly.

"That's the point of a blind date," Resemee said, "you're not supposed to know who it's with."

"At least give me something to work with!" I almost whined.

"He's hot, and Emmett's cousin" Renesmee informed me and I groaned. Great.

oooOooo

Finally the performance reared it's ugly head, much to my displeasure. I fumbled with my clothes as I got ready. I pulled on a pair of dark washed tight-fitting skinny jeans, with a brown belt and a dark grey long-sleeved shirt.

I picked up the straightener and quickly straightened my hair layer by layer, making sure every strand hung string straight. I applied a few swipes of black mascara and a swipe of light pink lip gloss before slipping on a pair of fuchsia crocheted Toms.

I sprinted down the stairs and rushed into the kitchen. I grabbed a Red Bull from the fridge and turned to leave. From the corner of my eye I noticed a bottle of Jack Daniel's on the counter, and I smiled to myself. One shot couldn't hurt.

I opened the cabinet above the sink and pulled out a small shot glass and snatched up the bottle. I poured myself a shot and threw it back. A warm smiled formed on my face as the brown liquid traveled down my throat, burning my insides and easing my nerves.

I grabbed the keys from the hook and hastily made my way over to the truck. After I peeled out of the drive way, I lit myself a cigarette, willing the gentle smoke to calm my nerves.

I parked my truck next to Renesmee's car and entered the shop. I noticed Quil, Embry and Renesmee talking with Emmett and Jacob on the far side of the room but I avoided them. Esme smiled warmly at me as I approached the bar. I took a seat on one of the bar stools and asked Esme if she could whip up my usual.

I sipped on the caramel macchiato with a nervous frown.

"Are you alright?" Esme asked.

I nodded in response "yeah, I'm fine." She raised an eye brow at me and I sighed in defeat. "I don't want to do this," I mumbled and took another sip of my drink.

"You'll do great sweetie," Esme cooed and took my hand in hers. I shook my head and stared down at the ground. "Everyone loves it when you perform," she said reassuringly.

"You're so talented," she gave my hand a gentle squeeze. I looked up at her and smiled nervously. "You really think so?"

"Of course I do Bella," she smiled. "You have a real gift, and you love what you do. We all see that, you need to be more confident in your abilities. You really have no idea how amazing you truly are."

I blushed lightly at Esme's words and stared down at the ground. "Thanks Esme," I whispered. I looked up at her and she smiled widely at me. I suddenly wished that my caramel macchiato was spiked with alcohol.

From the corner of my eye I noticed Alice and Jasper sitting at their usual table. I sighed deeply as I watched Jasper lean over and place a soft kiss on Alice's forehead. He loved her, it was obvious. I felt a sharp pang in my chest as I watched them.

I briefly considered walking out, going home and drinking myself to sleep. Before I had the chance to make a break for it, Esme called Embry, Quil, Rensemee and I to the stage, signalling that it was time for us to perform.

Slowly, I dragged myself to the stage. The atmosphere was buzzing with energy and I felt the urge to throw up. I could feel Alice and Jasper's eyes on me as I made my way to center stage and picked up the all black electric guitar.

Despite my best efforts not to, I glanced up at them, making eye contact with them. After a few moments, I closed my eyes and broke the contact.

"Bella and I wrote this song together," Embry spoke into the microphone, I could hear the smile in his voice. "It's called Caraphernelia."

I opened my eyes and glanced at Embry from the corner of my eye. He smiled reassuringly at me and gave me a thumbs up. I turned to my right and glanced up at Renesemee, she smiled cheerily at me and mouthed 'you got this'.

I took a deep breath and strummed the opening notes of the song before I lost my nerve.

Author's Note: Hello! I apologize for taking so long to update. I had some writer's block while writing this. I hope it turned out alright. Expect another update from me around Wednesday, Thursday or Friday. Thank you so much for reading my story, following, favoring, and reviewing. I love all of you! So many people are following this story, it's crazy. I would just love it if you guys could give me the pleasure of reviewing. I love hearing from you guys, I deeply encourage each and every one of you to leave a review.

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