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And now…. Don't kill me.

FEAR

I WENT TO BED BUT I COULDN'T SLEEP SOUNDLY. I woke up several times before I finally decided to just get up and go hang out near the cavern entrance as I had done so many nights when I was alone without Ian. I nodded off as I sat waiting but I heard the truck as it pulled up under the overhang. Someone had parked the van in the garage the night before. As soon as the truck stopped I heard the door open and slam shut. I got up and ran to Ian. I wanted to jump into his arms. I missed him so much.

Before I could touch him I felt his hand stop me dead in my tracks. He had put his hand around my throat. I could feel him squeezing my airway shut. I put my hands on his arm and tried to pull him off. I was on my tiptoes and soon my feet barely touched the ground. "How could you do this to me? My brother? YOU MARRIED MY BROTHER?" he screamed.

I couldn't breath let alone speak. It was deja vous. He wanted to kill me and for the second time my savior was Jeb. He came around the truck with his shotgun in hand.

"Ian, put her down! She didn't marry anyone!"

Ian released me and I fell to my hands and knees in the desert sand. I was coughing trying to fill my lungs with air. The ground was blurry.

"What?" Ian was mystified.

"Kyle said it to get you to come home for the real surprise. It seems you've got family here."

Now Ian was horrified. He fell to his knees and tried to apologize. "Wanderer, I'm sorry. I thought you left me for Kyle." He reached out to hold me. I was so afraid I didn't want him to touch me.

I cowered. "Don't touch me." I croaked.

I backed away from him while still on my knees. When I got to Jeb, he reached down to help me up. Ian was still on his knees. "What have I done?"

Burns had been standing there and witnessed the entire incident. I ran to him and put my arms around his waist. "Stay with me, please?" I croaked.

Burns didn't say a word. He scooped me up and walked away from Ian. He took me to Lily's room. Lily woke up as Burns placed me on the mattress.

"Burns! You're here…with Wanda…What's wrong?" Lily asked.

"I'll tell you in a bit. Let me get her settled."

I curled up in the fetal position. I couldn't even cry. I was too afraid. I was afraid Ian would come bursting through the door. Burns spooned me from behind and stroked my hair. I lay there for the rest of the day. Sometimes I slept but mostly I just rocked. I didn't know where Ian was and I didn't care as long as he wasn't here. I kept going over in my mind the similarities in the first strangulation and the second. Eventually, Sunny came to me. She talked. I didn't.

"Hey, girl," she whispered as she brushed my hair from my face.

"You should have woke me when you left. I could have been with you. Maybe Ian wouldn't have…" Sunny didn't finish her sentence but instead curled up in front of me and spoke very low. "Ian is not speaking to Kyle and neither am I. He wants to beat the tar out of him but Jeb won't let him." I shuddered at the thought of Ian beating his brother because I knew it could have been me. "Ian's asleep now. He was so exhausted. His mom is watching over him. He wanted to come to you but she said to give you some time." She stroked my hair. "Ian loves you. You know that. He was tired and angry and he just reacted." Finally I started to cry. The tears stung my face. Sunny wrapped herself around me while I cried.

After a while darkness settled in the caverns. Lily was with me now. She wanted to turn on the light but I didn't want her to. I felt cold but it was warm in the room. I heard footsteps slowly approaching.

"I brought you some food." It was Ian.

"I'm going to go and find Burns." Lily whispered.

She disappeared before I could reach out to stop her. Ian turned on the light. "No!" I pulled my arms around my head so I couldn't see him. My heart was racing but not in a good way. It was like being trapped with your executioner.

He turned off the light. "I'm sorry, Wanderer. You told me to trust you and I didn't. Can you forgive me?"

I didn't answer. I didn't forgive him but I was afraid that if I told him how I felt I could be in more trouble so I stay curled up in my fetal position. He reached out and touched my leg. I shied away from his touch.

"I'm a monster."

He was a monster.

"But I love you so much," he said in a tender voice.

He started to stroke my hair and he pulled my chin up to face him. I felt him start to lean in. "Ian, please don't." I turned my face away from him.

He stopped. He slid away from me and sat with his back against the wall. It was silent for a long time. Eventually I fell asleep. I had horrible nightmares. I dreamt that I was in my wedding dress and I was absolutely beautiful. I walked down the aisle and as I turned to face Ian all I saw was a monster who started choking me. I screamed.

I woke up and Ian was wrapped around me trying to calm me. "Wanderer, it's okay. It was just a dream." I panicked. I kicked to get away from him. He was my nightmare.

"I need to go to the bathroom." I croaked. I got up and bolted out the door before Ian could respond. It was quiet in the caverns. As I passed through the main cavern I saw that Kyle was asleep on the love seat. He was much too big for it and his limbs hung off in awkward positions. It was early morning; the sun was just coming up. I thought I should hurry back to Ian because if he decided to follow me and he saw Kyle, he would have his chance at retaliation. I reached the bathing room just as the bile came up in my throat. As I threw up the pounding in my head began. I hadn't eaten in twenty four hours. I looked in the mirror on my way out and I looked like hell. My neck was bruised. You could make out exactly where Ian's fingers had been. I brushed my hair but it wasn't helping. I decided to stick my head in the tub. The cool water felt good. I really wanted to get in but I was afraid for Kyle's safety. I wrapped my head in a towel and headed back to Lily's room. I wondered where Lily and Burn's were sleeping. Kyle was still peacefully snoring on the loveseat. When I got back to Lily's room, Ian was gone. I was both relieved and panicked. I tried to calm my fears. If Ian had gone to find me, I surely would have met up with him along the way. Maybe he went back to Ice's room which used to be our room and went to sleep. I turned on the battery operated lamp to search for a brush. No sooner had I found it when Ian entered the room carrying a tray with a sandwich and a drink.

He spoke very solemnly. "You wouldn't eat yesterday so I thought you might be hungry." Now that I had thrown up, I was hungry. "I made you a turkey sandwich with extra mayo and cheddar cheese just the way you like it. Please sit down and eat."

He placed the tray in the middle of the mattress. I sat down cross legged and silently took a large bite of the sandwich. Ian sat across from me although he didn't bring anything for himself to eat. He looked sallow to me. I took another healthy bite of my sandwich. I still had my hair wrapped in a towel and the fresh bruises on my neck were no longer covered by my hair. Ian reached out and lightly brushed my neck with the back of his hand. He lowered his head and put the palms of his hands over his eyes and began to break down.

My heart was dying to reach out and soothe him but my fear that he would interpret my actions as forgiveness stopped me cold. "I can't help you Ian." I paused and put down my sandwich. "I'm afraid that if I get too close that you will want to be even closer and I can't do that right now."

He looked up at me. "Do you hate me?"

"No, I could never hate you."

"But you don't love me anymore."

I took a deep breath because I wanted to explain my feelings truthfully. "Ian, I can't just stop loving you. It doesn't work like that for me. I'm…" I was almost afraid to say it because I knew it would hurt him. "I'm afraid of you."

"Oh god, I never meant to hurt you."

"I know you didn't, but you are like a ticking time bomb when it comes to me."

He was quietly contemplating my words. I took another bite of my sandwich. I chewed quickly and swallowed so I could speak. "Can I ask you a question?"

"Please," he implored.

"When you thought that I married Kyle, did you hate me? Is that why you strangled me?"

He shook his head. "Truthfully, I was destroyed by the thought of you being with Kyle but I never hated you. You just came at me so fast. My intention was just to stop you. I don't know why I…" He shook his head again. "Wanderer, I'll never stop loving you even if you walked away from me right now and chose Nate."

"Do you want the truth?"

"Yes."

I stared at my sandwich. "I'm considering it." I looked up at him ready to defend myself if necessary.

Ian closed his eyes to fight back the tears and his hands balled up into fists. "Is there anything? Anything at all I can do to convince you to stay?" he pleaded.

I pulled the towel off of my hair and let it fall to my shoulders. "I'm so conflicted." I held up my hand. I wanted to get one more bite of this sandwich because the conversation was getting intense and I had a feeling this bite would be my last. After I chewed and swallowed, I spoke. "If I were to go to Nate, I know he would love me with his whole heart and he would do everything possible to give me a happy life."

Ian nodded his head. He didn't speak but he got to his feet and turned towards the door. He assumed my decision was made. I spoke before he crossed the threshold. "The problem is I'll never love him the way that I love you."

Ian stopped but he didn't turn around. He took one step out of the room and paused before taking another. For the first time, I felt angry. I was angry at what he did to me but I was even angrier that he was about to walk out of my life…again. I spoke up. "So, first you try to kill me and now you are just going to give up and walk away. You know what you are? You're a coward." I threw what was left of my sandwich at him. He stopped and turned towards me. I expected him to be angry but he wasn't.

He was desperate. "Wanderer what do you want from me? I don't know what I'm supposed to do." He fell to his knees on the mattress. He lamented, "I want to take you in my arms and make love to you but you don't want me to touch you."

I looked down. I couldn't look at his face. I started fumbling with a crease in the blanket. I tried to change the subject. "So…How are your parents now that they are human?"

"They are grateful…to you…as I am…again. Wanderer, I love you so much. Please!" He put his hands on my face and looked into my eyes. "Anything you want, name it."

I pulled my face out of his hands and looked down at the blanket again. Again I paused before I spoke. I spoke slowly and deliberately. "When I first came to the caverns, you were happy; no, more like thrilled with any attention that I gave you even if it was something as simple as holding my hand. And you knew that I loved Jared." I stopped and sighed before I continued. "Now, you expect….no, that's not the right word, you demand all of my love and attention. It's always all or nothing with you. What happened to that guy that was grateful for just spending time with me?"

He reached towards my hand and played with my fingers. He too was looking down only he was paying close attention to my reaction to him touching my hand. "So, you want to go backwards," he concluded.

"I want to start all over again. I want you to be the sweet kind Ian that I fell in love with. Can you do that?"

"I'll do anything if it means that I don't lose you."

I went for broke. "Your jealousy needs to be put on the back burner. You know, I was told that every time I leave the mountain Holly resumes her roll as your 'pet'. I've never confronted you on it. You've slept with Heidi, Lydia, and Lily and I was very upset but once I came to terms with it; I let it go. I'm sorry that my body is so appealing to men. Do you want me to find another less appealing body?"

He rubbed my fingers with his thumb. "No, you're perfect. Maybe, I'm just scared."

"Scared of what?"

"Scared of losing you. You're so damned perfect."

"I'm not! I'm too young and I've cheated on you. I'm surprised your parents even like me at all after they heard about the Nate thing."

He was surprised. "You think you are too young for me?"

"Yes, sometimes I think that is why you treat me the way you do. I think you see me as your kid instead of your equal."

"I know. You're right. I guess that's why I was so impressed when you put me in my place."

"Ian, I'm ten thousand years old."

"I know." he chuckled quietly. "Thank god you don't look it." I looked up at him for the first time. "You're beautiful."

I smiled. "Do you think we could lie down and maybe you could just hold my hand?"

"I'll try and restrain myself," he joked.

"Don't be silly. I really mean it."

"I'm not. I really mean that I'll try to restrain myself. I want to kiss you so badly right now it hurts."

This was exactly what I had been trying to avoid. "You're pushing. I need you to promise not to push. It's difficult for me right now just to lie next to you."

He didn't answer. Either he couldn't make the promise or he was too hurt by my comment to speak. I was okay with the silence. He turned off the light and lay down facing me in the dim light. He reached out and held my hand loosely.

Later that morning when I woke, his mother was sitting next to me reading one of Doc's books. "Mrs. O'Shea? What are you doing here?"

"I sent Ian to take a bath. I wanted to talk to you."

I sat up. "Okay."

"First, I want to thank you for what you did. Bringing me and my husband here was very brave of you but I guess you've always been a brave soul." She chuckled. "How about that, I just made a pun!"

I smiled. She pulled the hair away from my neck to see the bruises. "Ian is really upset with himself." She let my hair fall back to my shoulders. "Can I tell you a true story?" she asked.

I nodded my head.

"A long time ago when Ian was just nine or ten years old, my husband and I were going through a rough time. I felt unappreciated and I was tired of being Kyle's mom or Ian's mom. I thought I had lost my identity. Seems silly now considering the souls really took my identity. Anyway, I used to accompany my boys to the baseball field for all of their practices. There was another boy on the team whose divorced dad was always there. Sometimes he would help coach but most of the time he would come over and talk to me. He was very intense. He would look right into my eyes whenever I spoke to him."

I nodded my head. "I know what you mean. Nate does that. He always makes me feel like I am the only person around when he talks to me."

"So, you know what I mean. One day this man, his name was Scott, invited me to have lunch with him. Before I knew it, he swept me off my feet and we were having an affair. My husband and I fought more and more. I wanted out. Ian would go into his room and turn the music up really loud to drown out the fighting. Kyle was older so he would just go out to his friend's house. I knew my fighting was tearing the boys apart. The day my husband found out about the affair, he slapped me in the face and pushed me down. I fell over a chair and got pretty bruised up. I almost left that day but when I realized how much Tom loved me, I decided to stay. It took a lot of work on both of our parts but I'm glad I stayed. I don't know how much of that story Ian or Kyle know so I would like you to keep that between you and me. My point is Ian obviously loves you. I've never seen him so emotional. The last time I saw him cry, he was thirteen and his grandmother died. You have his heart, be careful with it."

"Thank you Mrs. O'Shea."

She got up. "Please call me Maggie. I hope one day you'll be able to call me mom." She looked into the hall. "I want to go to the kitchen. Can you point me in the right direction?"

"Sure, if you give me a minute to get a change of clothes and a towel, I'll walk you there."

I escorted Ian's mom to the kitchen. Tom was there waiting for her. He was talking to Mel and Jared. Burns was there as well and he flagged me down. "I was planning on taking the cryo tanks to the shuttle port tonight. Do you want to come with me?"

"Yes, definitely."

"Okay, we'll leave as soon as it gets dark. Is Ian coming with us?"

"No. I need to spend some time without him. I'm afraid he'll try to rush things and I'm not able to deal with that right now."

"Okay, we'll talk tonight when we're alone."

"Okay." He hugged me and I was off to the bathing room. I passed Ian along the way.

"Hey."

"Hey," he responded.

"I'm going to take a bath and wash this rat's nest."

He grinned. "I love your rat's nest." He paused. "Wanderer?"

"Yes?"

"I have a confession to make."

Confession. That word scared me. "What?"

"I know you don't want me to touch you, but this morning when I woke up, I couldn't help myself. I kissed your fingers, and I kissed your nose, right there." He touched the tip of my nose. "And I kissed your forehead and I kissed your lips. I wasn't lewd about it. I just needed to taste your lips. Then I left because I was afraid I might not be able to stop myself from waking you."

"Why did you tell me that?"

"Because I wanted to be truthful."

"You've never been a liar. It's your possessiveness and your jealousy that has been the issue. You kissing me when I specifically asked you not to is pushing the relationship. You promised not to push."

"I'm sorry. I needed you."

"I need to be alone. I want you to know that I am going with Burns to bring the cryo tanks to the shuttle port tonight. I want you to stay here. I promised I would call Nate and I don't think it would be a good idea for you to be in on that conversation. If you want to talk some more I will meet you on the loveseat in the main cavern after my bath. It's up to you."

"What do you want, Wanderer?" I had struck a nerve.

"I'd like to talk more if you don't mind."

He sounded defeated. "Sure, I'll meet you at the loveseat in say an hour?"

"Fine."

After I bathed and primped, I strolled back through the main cavern and Ian was sitting on the loveseat with breakfast for me. "My mom made this and she asked if I would bring it to you." It was bacon and eggs over easy with toast and orange juice.

"Tell your mom I said thank you. She and I had quite a conversation this morning."

Ian was serious. "She told you about the affair didn't she?"

"You knew about that?"

"She may have hid it from my father but she didn't do a great job at hiding it from us. I was afraid she was going to run off with Scott. Kyle and I had different views on how we could get her to stay. Kyle decided if he was the bad boy she would have to stay to keep him on the straight and narrow. I, on the other hand thought if I was as good as I could be then she wouldn't want to leave me. That's really the moment when Kyle started to bully me. I guess it was his way of getting his aggressions out that he had for her. It's another reason why we went to different colleges. He and I didn't become close until we had to depend on each other because there was no one else. Don't get me wrong, I love my brother but he's always gotten pleasure out of getting the best of me."

"Why didn't you ever tell me this before?"

"I don't know. It seemed unimportant especially considering all the crap you went through just to be alive."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be." He paused as I ate my breakfast. "What are you going to tell Nate?"

"The truth."

"I mean about us. Where do we stand?" he pressed.

"I don't know where we stand. I asked you last night to respect my limits and you've already broken that."

"I don't understand why we need limits. I love you, Wanderer. If you'd let me I'll show you how much."

"Right. If I let you make love to me right now, tell me what do you see happening in our future?"

"I see the future we planned."

"I see us falling into old habits. I try as hard as I can to not upset you and you freak out the first time Nate or Kyle get close to me. How would that strengthen our relationship?"

"At least in my picture, there is a relationship," Ian said defensively.

"I did nothing wrong but I pay the price whether I keep you or I lose you."

"How do you pay the price if you keep me?"

"Haven't you been listening? I might as well open the door for you to take me down again."

"I wouldn't do that."

"I didn't think you'd do it this time."

"Wanderer, I didn't mean to hurt you!" his voice cracked.

"But you did! I'm getting a headache. I'm going to lie down. Thank your mother for breakfast." I handed Ian the tray and I got up and fled to Lily's room. I was depressed and all I wanted to do was sleep\. The problem was sleeping for me wasn't peaceful.

When I woke up Ian was sitting in the room against the wall. "I swear I didn't touch you. I just wanted to be near you. Is that okay?"

I felt better now that I had slept. "I'm sorry I was angry. Do you want to lay here with me?"

"Yes," he whispered. He scooted across the floor to the mattress and he lay about a foot away from me.

I reached my hand out and he did the same. We put our palms together as if measuring the sizes of our hands. His hand was huge next to mine. "Do you know one of the things I loved most about you?"

"You said loved, past tense," he said quietly as he stared at me.

"I still love you, Ian. This particular trait is not something that I love so much anymore. It's the reason I'm afraid of you."

"What is it? Maybe I can change it," he said desperately.

"I don't think so."

"What is it?"

"I always loved how big and strong you are. I thought you would always protect me and keep me safe. Now, your size and strength scare me to death. If you wanted to, you could crush me like a bug."

"How can I prove to you that I won't do that?"

"I don't know."

He looked so worn out. "Please let me kiss you."

I tried to stand my ground. "I can't."

"Can't or won't," he argued.

"Does it matter? No means 'no'. Doesn't it?"

He rolled to his back and put his arm over his eyes. "Yes."

"If this is too difficult, I can leave."

"Don't leave," he sighed. "Would you like to put your head on my chest?"

He was pushing but I always felt comforted when my head was perched on his chest. I slid over towards him and I lay my head down. He put his arm behind his head to keep from wrapping it around me. He was trying. I put my hand on his abdomen. I could feel the ripples of his hard body beneath his shirt. His body was better than any I had ever seen.

"I love you, Wanderer."

"I know you do. I just don't know if you know how to love me."

After a few minutes, Lily came to the door. "Hey guys, I hope I'm not interrupting anything. They are showing 'The Notebook' in the game room. You want to go?"

I popped up off of Ian's chest. "Absolutely." I wanted to get my mind away from the conversation that was going nowhere. I turned to look at Ian. "You want to go?"

"Sure." He didn't sound so sure though.

I got up and started walking with Lily. "Where did you and Burns sleep last night?"

"We slept in your room. I hope you don't mind."

"Then where did Ice sleep?"

"He slept in Doc's office."

"Oh. I thought he would have liked to sleep in Heidi's room." Sunny chucked and then proceeded to tell me about the competition between Heidi and Candy.

Ian split off to go to the bathroom. When we got to the game room I saw Sunny. Burns was waiting for Lily so I ran over and sat next to Sunny.

"I saw Kyle sleeping on the loveseat in the main cavern last night."

"Yes, he'll be spending some time there for at least a few days. I haven't decided how long I want to punish him yet."

"Oh, Sunny, you don't have to punish him!"

"Well, aren't you punishing Ian?"

"I don't mean to punish him but honestly, I don't know what I'm going to do."

"Well, you love him right?"

"That's the problem. I do love him. If I didn't; this decision would be easy. I'd be gone. I'm wondering if Ian is the person I am supposed to be with."

Sunny looked shocked. "You don't mean Kyle?"

"No! Kyle is your guy. He and I have never been more than friends. I was talking about Nate." Sunny was relieved but still concerned.

"No one will ever love you the way Ian does. You know that."

Ian entered the room and walked over to where we were sitting. "Do you mind if I sit with you?"

I patted the floor next to me. Normally whenever we watched TV I would sit between his legs and he would wrap his arms around my waist. He sat down but left about six inches between us. He put his hands in his lap. The movie began and as the movie started to get emotional so did I. Ian's mother picked today's movie and I couldn't help but wonder if she chose this particular movie on purpose. As I felt the tears begin to well up I reached over and held out my hand to Ian. He immediately wrapped his hand around mine and interlaced our fingers.

He leaned over and whispered in my ear. "I'd build a house for you."

When the movie ended I was again emotional. "It's so sad."

Ian looked at me. "Why is it sad? They spent most of their lives together and they were happy."

"It's sad because they die."

"Everyone dies…except you," he murmured.

I didn't want to die. I didn't want Ian to die. It suddenly occurred to me why the human race was so passionate. They had so little time.

Ian turned to me. He had both of my hands in his. He leaned in to my face. "I love you."

I looked down at our hands. "I love you, but…I can't."

He nodded his head as if he understood. Whether or not he really did, I don't know.

"I want to go see Mel and Jared. Do you mind?"

"No. You do what you have to do."

We walked hand and hand until we came to a parting point where the tunnels split. "I'll see you later." I promised.

"Later." He watched me walk away.

I spent the remainder of the afternoon with Jared and Mel. At least, they were happy. Like Sunny, they both assured me that it was destined that Ian and I should be together. It seemed as though everyone was rooting for us. I was still conflicted.

Before dinner, I went looking for Ian. I found him in our room. He was lying on his back with his arms folded behind his head and his feet crossed. His eyes were closed but I knew he wasn't asleep. He would never sleep in that position.

"Hey."

"Hey," he replied.

"You want to go eat?"

"Do you want me to eat with you?" He sounded like he was angry again.

I remained in control. "Yes. That's why I came to get you. Burns and I leaving right after dinner so …"

Ian scrambled to his feet. He reached for my hand and I gave it to him freely. We walked quietly through the tunnels to the kitchen. It was full of people. Kyle was there but he wasn't with Sunny. I felt bad for him. It was true that he was the cause of all of this in a way, but I didn't mean to screw up his relationship as well. When Kyle saw Ian he avoided being too close to him. I hoped Ian and Kyle would work things out when I was gone. I didn't know if they had talked since all that had happened. I think each of them was too busy trying to salvage their relationships with me and Sunny. Kyle left the kitchen shortly after we got there.

After we ate, Burns came to me. "Are you about ready to go?"

"Yes."

"When will you be back?" Ian asked.

"Tomorrow night. We'll drop off the cryo tanks and Doc asked if we could get a few more just in case and some more meds. Tomorrow we need to shop. I have a list that Sharon gave me from Aunt Maggie. It's funny, we have two 'Maggies' now."

"I'll get my bag and I'll meet you at the entrance to the caverns." Burns announced as he left us to finish our dinner.

Ian walked with me back to Lily's room where my clothes were. I packed my bag while Ian leaned against the wall and watched. "Do you mind if I run with you to the garage? I need the exercise. I feel like I'm dying here."

I needed to stand my ground. "No. I don't mind but you aren't coming with me."

He sighed but he didn't speak.

Burns and Lily were already at the entrance when we got there. The four of us ran to the garage. It was nice to be able to jog the whole way without having to stop and catch my breath. When we got to the jeep, Burns and Lily went to the driver's side door and said their good byes. There was a lot of kissing.

Ian looked at them and then looked at me. I put my hands out to stop him. He took my hands in his like he did after the movie. "Okay." He chewed on his upper lip. He pulled on my hands causing me to take a step closer to him. "I miss you already."

"Don't." I wanted to stop him from kissing me.

"Please. Just one. A little one, please. I'm begging you, Wanderer."

"I want to, but…"

He leaned in and put his open lips on mine. It was a simple kiss but his lips were warm and inviting. He pulled away after just a few seconds before I had the mind to pull away myself. He leaned his forehead against mine. "Thank you."

"I have to go." I took a step back and let go of his hands. He helped me into the jeep.

"I love you Wanderer, so very much."

I couldn't reciprocate after that kiss even though I knew in my heart that I loved him too. Burns pulled out into the desert and we drove to the wash in silence. It wasn't until we got to the highway that he spoke.

"So, you and Ian seemed kind of reserved. Usually he has to peel you off of him."

"Was I that bad?"

"I definitely don't think that he thought of it as 'bad'. So, what's the deal with you two?"

"I don't know." I paused. "I don't know if I can forgive him."

"Hmm." He rubbed the bottom of his chin with his thumb. "So, you are going to keep him at arms length until what?"

"Why do you have to be so cerebral all the time?"

"I'm just asking a question," he said defensively.

"Everyone has offered their opinions," I replied expecting the same from Burns.

"I may or may not have one. I don't have all the information to form an opinion. Do you plan to take him back or what?"

I took a deep breath. "You know I love him."

"You have a lot of love to give," he remarked.

"I'm afraid of him, Burns," I blurted out.

"Ah, I see. So, you're waiting for the fear to pass?"

"I don't know. I can't help but wonder if it's Ian I'm supposed to be with."

"And by that I suppose you are talking about Nate."

"Yes. I never really gave Nate a chance. The first time I kissed him just to prove that it was Ian I wanted. The second time I freaked out because I liked the kiss a little too much and I was cheating on Ian. If I took Ian out of the equation, how do I know that Nate wouldn't be perfect?" I replied as I tried to rationalize my thoughts.

"Even if you took Ian out of the equation, you can't erase the history between you. He was the first one to love you for who you really are. You are a parasite Wanderer. Don't forget that."

"What if Nate had been in the caverns back then. How do I know he wouldn't have been the one to do all the things that Ian did?"

"I guess you'll never know that."

"I don't know what to do. That's why I'm keeping Ian at bay. I know if I let him have his way with me, he'll assume I have forgiven him and the truth is I haven't. He's strangled me not once but twice."

"The first time he hated you. Can you really count that?"

"Yes, but the second time he loved me. Could you strangle Lily?"

"No, but I'm a soul not a human. In his defense, he did not sleep one wink the entire drive to the caverns. I slept when he drove. I don't think by the time he got there that he even knew what he was going to do and you came running at him like a bat out of hell. Then again, in Nate's defense I do know that he loves you too."

"You're a great help." I said sarcastically.

"Well, you wanted my opinion. I'm not in love with either one of them. I don't envy your position."

"I'm going to call Nate." I dialed his number. He answered after a few rings.

"Hello, Beautiful!" He was exuberant as always.

"Hi, Nate."

"How are things with my favorite girl?"

"Not so good."

"What's wrong?"

I swallowed. "Ian tried to strangle me."

"What?"

I started to cry as I told him the story. "When he got back to caverns, I ran outside to tell him that I didn't marry Kyle but I never got the chance. He strangled me and I couldn't talk." My final words came out as a squeak.

"Oh, sweetheart, I'm sorry. I wish I could be there for you."

"I'm glad you are where you are. You are safe."

"He apologized though, right?"

"Yes, but…"

"He didn't hurt himself did he?"

"No. Thank god. I just don't know if I can forgive him. I'm afraid of him."

I heard Nate blow out his breath into the phone. "If you need to come here to sort things out you know that you are always welcome, both of you, whether you are apart or together."

"I know. This whole thing has just gotten me thinking."

He hesitated before he spoke. "About what?"

"About how I've never really given you the chance you deserved."

"Don't play with me Wanda. You know how I've wished that Ian was out of the picture. I never wanted him to hurt you."

"I know. I haven't made up my mind yet. It's difficult because I still love him."

"Right. Sure, of course you still love him."

Nate was so damn understanding. Couldn't he show me just a little selfishness?

"I'm here for you in whatever capacity you need me to be."

"Thank you Nate. I'll call you soon."

"I'll sleep with my phone on the pillow."

"Bye." I hung up.

Burns chuckled.

"What's so funny?"

"You know Nate is doing a little jig right now."

"Oh, no he's not."

"I would be so I'm sure he is."

Burns and I took care of business at the shuttle port. We also went to the hospital and picked up some supplies. Then we headed to the hotel to sleep. Since we were both able to go to the check in counter we got a room with two beds. The next day we shopped for food and Burns had a good time pretending to be my husband. He was silly. He even kissed me on the cheek in the store. This was best I had felt since the incident. It was easy hanging out with Burns. When we got back to the caverns, Ian was there waiting for me.

"I wanted to get some exercise so I thought I would run the van back to the wash after we unloaded the groceries. Would you like to accompany me?"

"Honestly? I'm a little tired." The truth was I didn't want to be alone with him out there in the desert. I knew he would question me about my conversation with Nate and I didn't want to talk about it with him.

"I'll go with you." Brandt offered. He had been on guard duty.

Ian and Brandt drove off and I sighed with relief. I helped to carry the groceries into the kitchen. I was putting things away when Kyle came in sporting a cut up fat lip. He had obviously been punched in the mouth after I had left. I was horrified.

"Ian did this to you?"

Kyle smiled. "Yeah but I asked him to. I told him I'd give him one shot. He didn't really want to do it but I sort of provoked him."

"That doesn't matter." I walked away shaking my head.

"Look, I wanted him to do it so Sunny would take me back. I knew if she saw me broken and bloodied, she'd be quicker to forgive," he said as he tried to reason with me.

"Get away from me, Kyle." I stormed off. I went looking for Burns. I went to the one place I figured he'd be. I went to Lily's room.

"Knock, knock." I yelled.

"Wanda, come in." Lily opened her door.

"Burns I'm going back to the mountain with you and I want to leave as soon as possible, tonight even."

"Wanda, we just got back. I'd like to spend the night with my girl. Can we leave tomorrow night?"

I was being selfish. I surely didn't want to take away from his time with Lily. "Sure. That would probably be best. You two have a good night."

I went to find Maggie next. I wanted to tell her that I was leaving and that I needed her to make sure Ian didn't do anything stupid. By the time Ian came back to the caverns I was sitting in our room in the middle of the mattress. I had my head between my hands and I was looking down at the blanket. I did not look up when he entered the room.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"You hit Kyle?" I spoke in a low tone.

"He wanted me to."

"How am I supposed to not be afraid of you when all you do is hit people and walls and break cell phones. That's the second one you've broken by the way."

"I'm sorry."

I looked up at Ian. "I can't do this anymore. I'm going to the mountain," I said in anguish.

"I'm coming with you," he offered.

"No. I don't want you to come with me," I said emphatically.

"Why, so you can be with Nate?" His jealousy was easy to see.

"Are you going to hurt me because Jeb is coming here right now." It was a lie but I thought it might be enough to protect me.

Ian walked to the wall and slid down until he was sitting. "You're breaking up with me?"

I started to cry. "I need time Ian."

"I thought we were going to work on this together," he pleaded.

"You want more than I can give right now. If I go to the mountain, you can spend some much needed time with your family. You and Kyle need to resolve your issues."

His eyes were filled with tears just waiting to spill over. "And you get to spend time with Nate." It wasn't a question but it required an answer.

"Yes." I spoke only barely louder than a whisper.

Ian put his head down and he started to cry. His body heaved with each sob. "I've lost you."

"Ian, I love you and I haven't made that decision but you were right so many months ago when you told me to spend time with Nate before I made up my mind but I was so hooked on your perfection that I couldn't see it." I was surprised that I was keeping it together.

"Will you promise me one thing?"

"Only if you make a promise to me in return."

My stomach was in knots. I was already hurting inside at the thought of not having Ian in my life. Ian slid over towards me and grabbed my face gently. He looked intense. "Promise me you won't make love to him in our bed?"

"I promise. I need you to promise me that you won't come looking for me. Stay here with your family until I decide to come back here."

He released my face and started to cry again. He was so broken. I couldn't stand it. I grabbed his face and I kissed him. He kissed me back. His lips were on fire. I could taste the salt from our tears. He gripped my face and after a minute he pushed me back onto the bed and he was on top of me. He was chewing on my lips which sent me into a frenzy. I couldn't stop touching his marvelous body. I wanted him so badly but I knew it would be wrong.

"Stop." I murmured but he kept kissing me. "Ian, stop!" He stopped. We were both panting.

"Let me make love to you one last time."

I pulled my shaking hand up to cover my eyes. "I can't!" I was hysterical.

He pulled me to a sitting position. "I'm sorry."

He got up to leave the room.

"Ian don't go," I pleaded. I had never been so torn in all my lives.

"You can't have it both ways. It's all or nothing with me, remember? This is torture."

Ian was right. I was torturing him. I cried myself to sleep. In the morning, I didn't know what to do. I was afraid to leave the room for fear I would run into Ian. I lay in the bed wishing the day would pass quickly. Sunny was the first one to come looking for me.

"Can I come in?"

"Sure, Sunny."

She sat on the bed. "You're leaving." It wasn't a question. It was a statement so she must have talked to Ian.

"How is he doing?"

"Not good. He's in the game room lying on the couch. His mom said he cried all night. I don't think he's slept."

"What should I do?"

"I don't know. He just keeps saying 'I've lost her.'"

"I have to go to him before he does something stupid. It was lack of sleep that made him hurt me in the first place."

I went with Sunny to the game room. His mom met me at the door.

"Maggie, what should I do?"

"Is this the end for him and you? Because if it is, you should walk away now. If there is still a chance that you will choose him, then give him that hope."

I entered the game room. It was dimly lit. "Ian, can I come in?"

"Why? You want to torture me some more?"

"No! I don't want to torture you but I want you to know that I haven't made any decisions. I am still in love with you. I just need to know that it's you that I should be with."

"Look, I'm really tired and I'm really bitter and I don't want to say something that I will regret."

"Then don't say anything." I knelt down by the side of the couch and I stroked his hair. "Sleep." His back was to me because he was facing the back of the couch. I put my head on the back of his shoulder and continued to stroke his hair. "Sleep." It didn't take too long for him to surrender to his exhaustion. Even after he fell asleep his body still jumped like a baby who had cried himself to sleep. After I was sure he was under I tiptoed out of the room.

"He's asleep," I said to Maggie. "When he wakes, if he wants to say good bye tell him I would like that."

I spent the rest of the day explaining to my friends that I was leaving because I needed to figure some things out and I couldn't do it with Ian pushing me. I didn't see Ian all day so I assumed he was sleeping. At dinner, I hung with Sunny and Kyle. I made it clear to Kyle that he and Ian needed to clear up some issues that obviously Ian had been carrying with him for a very long time. I also told him to keep a close eye on Ian.

After dinner there was still no sign of him. I went to my room and packed all of my clothes for the trip. I went to the bathing room and freshened up. I met Burns back at the entrance to the caverns.

"Are you ready?" Burns asked.

"I guess."

"Hey, if you don't want to go, I'm willing to stay for a while."

"No. I was just hoping…"

"It's probably too painful for him to say goodbye."

"Yeah, you're right."

We stepped out into the desert and began to jog. The further we got from the caverns the more emotional I got. Tears were streaming down my face. We were just entering the garage when I heard him. Ian was calling my name. I wanted to run to him, but the last time I did that I nearly died. I stood there clutching Burns by the arm.

Ian ran right up to me panting because he had been in a full out sprint the entire way to catch us. "I wanted to see you one last time," he said trying to catch his breath.

"I'm sorry. I didn't know. I thought it would be too painful for you."

Ian reached out and wiped away the tears that had run down my face. "I love you." He grabbed my head and pressed his lips to mine. I grabbed his arms and held on tight as I kissed him back. He pressed his forehead to mine as he spoke. "You do what you have to do but remember I am here and I am waiting for you. If you want to talk to me tell Lily when she calls Burns and I swear I'll run out to call no matter how late it is."

I was crying. "Promise me you won't do anything to hurt yourself or Kyle. Will you please promise me that?"

"I promise you that the whole time you are gone I will be working on my anger and my jealousy issues so when you come back to me, and you will, I have to believe that; I'll be everything you fell in love with."

"I can't go." I wrapped my arms around him.

"You have to go." He pulled my arms from around him.

He helped me into the jeep. I couldn't look back as we drove away. I was sobbing so hard I couldn't see. I wasn't sure if we were driving towards or away from my future.