Sorry I'm late guys, Went to Richmond and visited with my daughter.
"Solosis by the river" and "It's only Teenage Graceland" and unfortunately "I'm Comin' down with the Sickness"; yeah it's been that kind of weekend!
THE TALK
IAN SAT AGAINST THE WALL IN THE MORNING LIGHT and waited for me to wake up. "Good morning, my love."
"Good morning. What happened to Babydoll?"
"Well, you wanted to start fresh so I thought maybe a new nickname."
"No. I'm Babydoll and you are my Superman," I said adamantly as I rose up onto my knees to kiss him.
"Okay. That's suits me fine. You promised to take a bath with me remember?"
"I remember." We grabbed everything we needed and headed for the bathing room. Someone had made a sign that said occupied to put on the door. It was an excellent idea. I couldn't be with a naked Ian and not want him to make love to me. The cool water only prolonged the sex. By the time we left the room, there was a long line of people waiting including his mom. Ian's face was bright red by the time we passed her.
The rest of the day was a typical day in the caverns. We ate breakfast and went to find Jeb to find out what chores he wanted us to do. He put Ian and Burns on lookout and I cleaned the kitchen with Lily.
"I'm glad you got back together with Ian," she said as we began to scrub the pots.
"Thanks."
"When is the wedding?"
"I don't know. We really haven't talked much about anything yet."
"Ahhh. I see."
I reciprocated. "How are things with Burns?"
"Good, I just get this feeling though."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, you know how I lost Wes?"
"Yes."
"It's that weird feeling in the pit of my stomach that something is going to go wrong." I looked at her face and she looked like she was in pain.
"Nothing is going to happen to Burns. He's very cautious," I tried to reassure her.
"So is Ian and he almost died." A shiver ran down my spine just thinking about Ian's near death experience. I didn't like the thought that she was having premonitions about Burns. "Forget it. He'll be fine." She said trying to convince herself.
Lily and I hung out all day since it was our turn to prepare the evening meal. We decided to make a big pot of chili and some rice. The guys came in to eat after their shift at the lookout. They were talking about having a game of soccer after dinner. They figured Ice and Kyle would be up to the challenge as well. So, after dinner, Lily and I stayed to clean up the kitchen while the guys rounded up some players. By the time we arrived at the game room they had already chosen teams. It was a 'guys' only game so all the girls watched. One team was comprised of Ian, Burns, Jared, and Brandt. The other team had Kyle, Ice, Aaron, and Brandon. The teams seemed pretty evenly matched. Both teams worked up a sweat trying to win the battle. During the game, Jamie came looking for a phone. He wanted to run to the garage and call Megan. I decided to go with him because it would give me the chance to call Nate. I wanted him to know that I was okay.
I yelled out, "IAN!" He directed his attention to me. I waved him over. He jogged over a little out of breath.
"What's up Babydoll?"
"I'm going to go with Jamie. He wants to call Megan…" I didn't want to hide anything from him. "And I need to call Nate."
Ian's defenses immediately went up. "What for?"
"I promised him I would call besides I want to make sure he is okay."
His jealousy surfaced. "You didn't call me to make sure I was okay."
"No, I didn't and it wasn't because I didn't want to. Believe me." I paused. "Ian, I'm not asking your permission." I was waiting for the explosive reaction but I was hopeful he wouldn't do anything to me here in front of everyone.
He looked angry but he reeled it in. "You'll be back in an hour?"
"More like an hour and a half."
"How long are you going to talk to him?" His aggravation was obvious.
"I'm bringing Jamie, remember? Nate has the only phone up there which means Jamie has to wait for me to finish talking to Nate before he can talk to Megan. Have you ever seen teenagers talk?"
Ian shook his head in defeat. "I love you, be safe."
"I will. You kick Kyle's butt…in the soccer game I mean."
He smiled. "I know what you mean." I leaned up to his face and kissed him.
I turned to Jamie. "Come on, let's go." Jamie and I jogged out to the garage. I called Nate when we got close and walked the rest of the way.
"Hello Beautiful!"
"Hi, Nate. I'm glad to hear that you can still call me Beautiful."
"Well, you'll always be beautiful. Nothing will change that."
"Old age?"
"You know, I think you could push out twenty kids and you'd still be beautiful."
"Twenty kids, Nate? Come on. Don't even wish that on me."
"Well some of them would be mine of course."
"That's not even funny. You know you are not so bad looking yourself,"
I reminded him.
"Thou doest flatter me, milady."
"You seem to be in a good mood."
"That's only because I'm talking to you. The rest of the time is a very good façade, but you sound happy."
"I didn't sound happy when I was with you?"
"No, you did. I guess I should say you sound happier."
"Well, I am happy…for now. It seems we are in the honeymoon stage."
"So, you haven't told him about what happened with me?"
"No. I think we are both avoiding the 'talk', but it's got to happen soon or the whole relationship will be a sham."
"Well, just make sure you tell him that I stopped when you told me to and believe me; I did not want to stop."
"I know. I'm sorry about that. I really thought I was ready to take the next step."
"I knew you weren't but I so wanted you to be that I lied to myself. I am just as much at fault."
"It doesn't matter. The truth is we have feelings for each other and no matter how much I love Ian, nothing is going to change that…at least for me."
He was silent on the other end.
"Nate?" I got no response. I wanted to tell him that I loved him but I thought it would be cruel to say it.
"Nate?"
"I'm here."
"Listen, Jamie is with me and he wants to speak to Megan. Maybe you could look for her while we talk."
"Okay, she's in the house with Sarah, I think."
"Where are you?"
"Um…" He hesitated. "I'm in the second building. I was in the game room but it's quiet in here. It's cold out tonight. I can't believe it's almost October."
"Oh, crap!"
"What?"
"Ian's birthday is next week!"
"So? You have plenty of time to plan a party."
"That's not it. If we have 'the talk' now, I could ruin his birthday."
"So, you're going to wait another week?"
"I don't know."
"If it were me, I'd rather know the truth as soon as possible so that I could move on," he said flatly.
"You think he'll leave me?" There was panic in my voice.
"I meant move on with the relationship."
"Oh." I was relieved.
"Well, you do what you think is right. I'm always here for you if you need me," he reassured me.
"I know that."
"And for the record, I'm still in love with you."
"Nate, you're going to make me cry!" I lamented.
"Don't cry, be happy. Megan is right here chewing at the bit to talk to Jamie."
"Okay, I'll talk to you soon."
"Bye, Beautiful," he sounded sad.
I handed the phone to Jamie. Sadness for Nate's broken heart washed over me. I had been pacing back and forth while I talked so it would be harder for Jamie to hear the conversation. Jamie was sitting in the front seat of the jeep. I climbed into the passenger side and folded my arms over my chest and put my head back. I squeezed my eyes tight to keep the tears from forming. I didn't want to cry. After all, I had chosen Ian. I was supposed to be happy. I pulled my knees up onto the seat and leaned away from Jamie so he wouldn't see my sadness. I could hear the droning conversation Jamie was having. It sounded like Megan was giving him a play by play of a show she was watching by the questions he was asking and the long periods of silence…
I woke up to Jared yelling at Jamie.
"What the hell is the matter with you boy? Do you know what time it is?"
Ian was there too but he didn't speak. He slipped his hands under my legs and lifted me from the seat.
"I'm sorry, I fell asleep," I said in my defense.
"It's okay," he whispered. He was very solemn. He started to carry me towards the caverns.
"I can walk," I protested.
"You sure? It's late. I can carry you," he replied.
"What time is it?"
"It's after eleven."
"I'm sorry Ian."
"You were gone for nearly three hours. I was worried."
"Ian, please put me down. I can run." He let my feet drop gently to the sand. He took my hand in his.
"Come on."
We ran in silence. Ian ran faster than was comfortable for me but I knew he was angry so I pushed myself to stay caught up with him. We were only about a half a mile away when I could not longer keep up. I let go of his hand and stopped. I bent over clutching my side. I was out of breath. "I can't keep up that pace," I huffed.
"Why didn't you say anything?"
"Because you were already mad. I didn't want to make it worse."
He scooped me up in his arms. "I'm not mad." He didn't smile.
He put me down when we entered the caverns and he walked me back to our room.
"You go to bed. I'm going to let my mother know you're okay. She's worried too."
"I'll come with you."
"No." He was curt. He turned quickly towards me and I stepped back as he said, "Stay put." A second later he was gone.
I needed to go to the bathroom but I was afraid if he came back and I was gone he'd flip out. So, I waited. When he came back I was still standing near the bed.
"Why aren't you in bed?"
"I have to go to the bathroom."
He looked confused.
"You told me to stay put. I was…afraid."
Ian closed his eyes and sighed. "Wanderer, I told you I'll never hurt you again. I meant it. Please go to the bathroom."
I moved quickly through the tunnels. By the time I got back, Ian was sitting in the bed. He was playing with a rose petal turning it over and over in his hand.
"I didn't want you to come with me to see my mother because I was frustrated and I knew she would know what to say to make me feel better."
"What did she say?"
"She said what happened tonight wasn't your fault and I should make sure you know that. So, I want you to know that I was worried about you but I don't blame you. Jamie should have been more responsible but I'm sure Jared took care of that."
I changed out of my clothes into my camisole and climbed into the bed next to him.
He was still turning the petal in his hand. He didn't look up when he spoke. "I think we should talk."
"I don't want to talk," I said bluntly.
"Why?"
"Because next week is your birthday and I don't want to ruin it."
"You won't ruin my birthday."
He pulled the letter he had given to Burns from under the mattress and handed it to me. "I want you to read this and then tomorrow night, we'll talk."
"Ian, I don't want to read this," I said as I tried to push the letter away from me.
"Please do it for me. Will you read it for me?"
I relented. "I'll read it tomorrow." I didn't want to but he wouldn't take no for an answer.
"Okay."
I put the letter on the shelf. We didn't have a long drawn out kiss. It was a small romantic kiss and then he held me close until I fell asleep.
I woke up first probably due to the long nap I had taken at the garage. I wanted to go and bathe and I figured I should go alone. I didn't want a repeat of yesterday with the line.
I shook him gently. "Ian." He was sprawled out on his back. I kissed him on the lips. He jumped as if I had taken him from a dream.
He fixed his eyes on my face. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing. I just wanted to let you know that I was going to take a bath. You go back to sleep."
"Okay." He rolled to his side and immediately fell asleep. I wondered if I had actually waked him at all.
At the bathing room, Melanie was waiting ahead of me. She offered to share the tub so we would have a chance to talk.
"So, you and Ian are back together. You know I always thought your relationship was a little manic. The highs and lows you go through could make a sane person dizzy."
"So, you think I'm insane?"
"I think you're both insane. You are both strong people and neither of you are willing to bend and what's this thing with Nate?"
"I love Nate."
"I thought you love Ian."
"I do."
"See? Right there, insanity," she quipped.
"What if you found someone you could love as much as Jared?"
"It wouldn't happen," she said dryly.
"Why?"
"Because I wouldn't let it," she said it as a matter of fact.
"So, you are saying not that it couldn't happen but that you wouldn't allow it to happen."
"You are twisting my words." It made me think of Nate and the way he cleverly had Ian thinking that I had slept with him.
"No, I'm not. You said 'because I wouldn't let it happen'. That means it's not that you aren't capable of loving two men. You just choose not to. Why?"
"Because that's they way we humans are brought up."
"But I'm not human," I reminded her.
"But you have chosen to live here with the humans."
"True, the problem is I already love them both. Even though I chose Ian, my feelings for Nate will not diminish."
"Wow. You were better off in my head with me."
"Mind if I come back?"
Mel looked down at her expanding belly. "Surgery not really an option for me right now." We both laughed.
As Melanie and I parted ways, she wished me luck on my dilemma. When I returned to our room Ian was still asleep. I knelt down by his side and dragged my damp hair across his torso. He sucked in his breath as he opened his eyes.
"Hey, Superman, you gonna sleep all day?"
"Sorry, I didn't sleep well last night."
"I'm sorry. I hope I didn't have anything to do with it."
"The fact that I breathe these days is because of you. I'm just nervous about tonight."
"Me too."
"You'll read my letter?" he pressed.
"I will."
"I want you to read it before tonight because I want you to understand what I've been feeling. The stress I'm under is enormous. You've come back but now I'm so afraid that I'll do something wrong and you'll turn around and leave again."
"I'm afraid that when I tell you the things I need to tell you that you will tell me to go away."
"I'll never again tell you to go away. I hope the letter will help you to understand that."
The good thing was our fears were the same. We didn't want to lose each other. We shared breakfast in the kitchen and then he and I worked in the field in the main cavern. It was time to plant 'winter' crops as Jeb called them. After lunch Ian went back to the field. I thought I should go and read the letter that had been on my mind all day. I sat on the mattress and turned it over and over in my hands. I didn't want to read it for the simple fact that the original instructions were that I read it only if Nate and I had gone to the next level and that never happened, at least not in the physical sense. I finally summoned my courage and opened the letter.
Wanderer,
Last night I realized that I have lost you. What I did was reprehensible and I am truly a monster. As much as my selfish mind begs for your forgiveness, I cannot forgive myself. I know you are going to Nate. You deserve his love and he deserves yours. I have so much running through my head right now. I want to die if I can't be with you but I want you to be happy and I'm afraid you will never be happy with me. I've never loved anyone before. Women have always been toys for me. I don't know how to love you and give you the freedom to love me back. I know a big part of our relationship is physical because you are very physical in that body you have inherited. You deserve to have all the pleasure you desire. I know that Nate has clung to the hope that he can have that with you. As much as it blows a hole in my very being, I know you need to experience this with him. This is killing me. I want you back. I can't even think straight right now. No matter what happens when you are there, please, please, come back to me. I'll change. Whatever has happened between you and Nate by the time you read this letter, I swear I won't hate you and I won't hate Nate. I just need you back. I'm begging. I love you.
Ian
I didn't cry. I wanted to but I tried to look at the letter as a breakdown of his emotions. I saw in the beginning his remorse and the fact that he wouldn't blame me if I walked away and never came back. By the end of the letter I saw a broken man desperate to hang on. I could have done anything at all with Nate according to this letter and he would take me back without question. The problem was this letter was written before I came back to him. Now that I was back, how could I know if he would still be so open minded?
At this point I needed to decide how much I wanted to tell him about my relationship with Nate. In truth, if I wanted my relationship with Ian to heal I should tell him everything both physical and emotional. The letter made me hopeful that if Ian wanted me as much as I wanted him that we might be able to speak about emotions we haven't been able to address in a long time.
I put the letter back under the mattress and I went back to the field to join Ian in the tilling of the soil. Tomorrow we would plant. I thought it was odd that Jeb had only me and Ian working this field. Usually there would be anywhere from four to six people doing this. It had occurred to me that if Ian and I could till the whole field and plant it then it would be our field. It would be something that he and I did together from the beginning to the end. It was therapy. Jeb's therapy.
Ian was glistening in sweat when I got there. I grabbed the hoe and began turning the soil that Ian had dug up in my absence. We didn't speak. We just worked. By the time we finished the field it was already past dinner and we were both dirty.
"I think we did a great job," Ian commented as he wiped the sweat from his brow with his forearm.
"We make a good team," I announced.
"I had forgotten how good we could be together outside the bedroom. Remember when we put up the dugouts?"
I chuckled. "I remember being stuck on the roof."
"You were so brave."
"Are you kidding? I felt like such a weakling!"
He pulled me into his sweaty arms. "I love you." He planted his lips on my dirty face and gave me a slow passionate kiss right in the middle of our field.
"We need to bathe," he said.
"Ian, if we get naked in that tub together, you know what will happen."
He sighed. "I know. We need to talk with a clear head. Let me take my bath first and while you are taking yours, I'll get us some dinner and bring it back to our room."
By the time I finished with my bath Ian was waiting for me in our room with dinner. Sharon and Aunt Maggie had made chicken and dumplings. We were lucky there was any left considering we missed the dinner hour. After we ate Ian moved so that he was facing me on the mattress. He took my hands in his.
"Do you mind if I start?" he spoke in a low tone.
"No, go ahead."
He took a deep breath and he licked his lips. He fumbled with my hands pulling them securely into his as if to keep me from getting up and bolting from the room.
"I want to start by thanking you for risking your life to bring my parents here. I know that I was your sole motivation and had I not been such a monster I would have been able to thank you that day. Having my mother here is a gift."
"I wanted her to be able to see you and Kyle get married. I'm just glad that I was right about them still being in there."
"I shouldn't have doubted you. I want to tell you how sorry I am for losing it with you. I don't know what I was thinking. You are my world and if I destroyed you I would have no reason to live. I was stupid and I pray that I never go down that dark road again."
"I guess what I don't understand is how you believed Kyle. Where would we have found someone to marry a human to a soul?"
"Who did we choose to marry us?"
"Jeb." It all made sense now.
"I know it's stupid but I thought Jeb married the two of you and that you were off on some sort of honeymoon. It was the only explanation that made sense. Why else would the two of you take off in the middle of the night? I couldn't see any reason for him to go with you if you were going to see your mother."
"How could you doubt me Ian? I was engaged to you."
He squeezed my hands. It made me pull them away from his. I didn't know the reason for the tightened grip and it made me nervous. "What? What's wrong?"
"You said 'was engaged'."
I held up my left hand revealing no ring. "I love you but…I don't know Ian. I don't want to rush things."
Ian exhaled quickly. "And I thought three time's a charm."
"It was."
"Until I screwed it up, which brings me to my apology. Wanderer, I swear I'll never hurt you again. I don't even want to show anger in front of you. Please, be patient with me. That's all I ask."
"We have nothing but time."
"Thank you." He took my hand in his and pressed his lips to my palm.
"I guess it's my turn to talk."
I pulled my arms around my body and tucked my hands under my armpits before I spoke. Ian reached out and pulled my arms loose from my body. "Relax, please." He stared into my eyes. "Didn't you read my letter?"
"I did."
"Then you should know that's it's not necessary for you to say anything. You broke off the engagement." He held up my left hand and pointed to my ring finger for effect. "Whatever happened with you and Nate is none of my business."
"I wanted to tell you that I didn't want to read the letter because you had said to read it only if Nate and I had reached the next level."
"I don't understand."
"I never slept with him. I came very close, probably too close but you stopped me." He looked even more confused. I held out my hand that had his ring on my finger. "You were watching me. You were always watching me. I couldn't betray you."
He paused for a moment trying to make sense of what I said. "Why didn't you take the ring off?"
I chuckled nervously. "I tried that. I had dreams about you…nightmares really."
"Oh god, please tell me that I didn't hurt you in your nightmares."
I reached out and put my hand on his face. "No. I hurt you. My first nightmare was the second night I was there. I took off the ring but I couldn't put it in the drawer, I put it back on. I had put it onto my right hand earlier in the day because Nate said that it bothered him. That night I dreamt that I was walking down the aisle in my wedding dress and you were there waiting for me. Nate jumped out and stabbed you and grabbed me and dragged me away from you. Burns heard me screaming from his room. My second nightmare was worse. That was the night I took off the ring and put it in the drawer before I went to bed. This time I dreamt it was me who stabbed you in the heart and left you at the altar dying. After that, I put the ring back on."
Ian put his hands on my knees and he looked as though he would cry but it sounded like he was laughing.
I continued. "You own me, whether you know it or not. But…I'm…still in love with Nate."
I was waiting for the anger to surface, but it didn't.
"I know that."
Now, I was the one who was confused. "How?"
"Don't you remember what you told me before you left? I asked you if you hated me. You said no. Then I said 'but you don't love me anymore'. Do you remember what you said?"
I was searching his face for an answer to a conversation he obviously had stored in his head.
"You said you couldn't just stop loving me. You said it didn't work that way for you. How could I expect you to keep loving me after what I did to you and then think that you would stop loving Nate when he's done nothing wrong?"
I couldn't believe it. He understood. I pounced on him knocking him backwards on the bed. "Oh, Ian. Thank you for understanding."
"Hold on." He flipped me off of him so that I was lying on my side and he was facing me. "I want you to know that even though I understand that you are in love with Nate; it doesn't mean I'm happy about it. I just need you to understand that I'm very jealous of Nate and I am asking you to keep your affections for him out of my sight. I really don't want to see you kissing him. I'm trying really hard here but I don't know if I can keep it together if I saw that."
"I understand."
"And…the day you say 'I do' is the day that anything other than platonic hugs and kisses on the cheek stops."
"I understand that too."
He pulled my hair back behind my shoulder.
"So, will you marry me?"
"Ian!"
"Hey, I'm just putting it out there. It's an open invitation. You can say yes when you are ready. I'll wait. I have you here now and that's more than I could have hoped for. You don't even have to say anything. Just move that ring to your left hand and I'll know."
The talk that I had been fearing couldn't have gone better had I written it myself. "I love you."
"I love you more." I pressed my lips to his and the rest of the night belonged to us.