Yeah, I cried.

DESPAIR

IT WAS TWO DAYS BEFORE IAN'S BRTHDAY. I needed to get his cake and the food for the party. I figured a quick one night road trip to the nearest town would suffice. Ian really wanted to go but I told him that I didn't want him coming with me to get stuff for his birthday. Sunny wanted to spend the morning decorating for the party. Brandt volunteered to go. He said he hadn't been out of the caverns in a while and needed to get out.

Ian didn't run to the garage with me because we left late. He kissed me good bye at the entrance to the caverns and Brandt and I ran alone. I figured I'd give Nate a call once we were on the road so I could find out how things were now that Burns was back.

Brandt drove and I settled in for the ride. It was a beautiful night. There was a full moon so the desert sand glistened in the moonlight like waves on the ocean. We reached the highway just before midnight. I was busy writing a list so I wouldn't forget anything when all of a sudden my body shot across the seat and slammed into the door. The van spun out of control. I pulled myself in a ball to protect my body as the wheels squealed across the pavement. In seconds we were off the road and into a ditch. The van came to a stop and my knees slammed into the door since my legs were shielding my upper body. The first thing I felt was pain. I must have hit my head because I was bleeding.

It took a minute for me to get my bearings. I looked over at Brandt and he was unconscious and bleeding. The van had been hit on his side. I looked for the other car and the driver in that car was not moving either. I was in a panic. I had to think clearly. I couldn't let anyone find Brandt or we could all be in danger. I could take the cyanide pill in the ashtray. No, I didn't want to die. The only other option was to get Brandt out of the van and away from the scene of the accident. I pushed the pain to the back of my mind. I opened my door and practically fell out of the van. I limped to his side but I couldn't open his door. I rushed back to my side and pulled him across the seat towards me. He fell to the ground in a heap. I wasn't even sure if he was alive. I grabbed him under the arms and began to drag him. He wasn't as big as Ian, but still, I thought my swollen knees would buckle under the strain. I managed to drag him to the opposite side of the street as far away from the accident as I could and laid him in the ditch.

"I'm sorry, Brandt. I'll come back to get you as soon as I can." I was pretty sure he was still alive but he was in bad shape. I limped back to the scene and pulled out my phone. I dialed 911.

"911. What's your emergency?"

"I was driving down highway 722 and I was broadsided by another car. He's not moving."

"What exit are you near?"

"I'm a ways before Red Rock."

"Where you driving north or south?"

"Um…north. Hurry please!"

"Emergency vehicles are on their way."

I hung up. I was shaking.

I dialed Nate.

"Hello Beautiful!"

"Nate. I was in a car accident. Brandt is really hurt. I left him in a ditch. The van is totaled. The ambulance is coming for me. You need to get to Brandt. I don't know how long he'll survive!"

"Whoa! Are you okay?"

"I'm bleeding but I'm not worried about me. You have to get to Brandt. We are just outside of Red Rock!"

"I'm going to Burns right now. We'll leave immediately. Where are you bleeding from?"

"What? Um…I don't know. My head maybe? And there's a gash in my arm. Um…my knees. Brandt, he's unconscious. I'm scared, Nate!" I started to cry. I was shaking uncontrollably.

"Okay, I'll stay on the phone with you till the ambulance gets there. What about the other driver?"

"He's unconscious too. I think Brandt forgot to turn on the lights and this guy didn't see him coming down the highway. Oh, Nate, it's all my fault! I made him come with me to get cake and food for Ian's party."

"It's not your fault. It's an accident. Accidents happen even to souls. Do me a favor and go to the van and turn on the lights so they won't know you were driving without them."

I limped back to the van and climbed in and pulled the lever for the lights. I heard the sirens coming down the road.

"They're coming."

"You did good. Brandt is out of sight and you turned on the lights. Now when they get there you act as though the other driver was in the wrong. Can you do that for me?"

"Nate, I'm so scared."

"It's okay to be scared. It's a natural reaction. It's expected. Just act like you never saw him coming."

"I didn't!" I cried.

"Then you won't be lying." He paused. "I love you, Wanderer. You come back to us."

"If I can." I hung up the phone.

Even after I hung up the phone it took a long time for the emergency vehicles to arrive. The sound had carried downwind so I could hear them long before I could see them. I sat down on the road in front of the van to wait because my knees were buckling. I had to think. I needed a story. I could use Burns as my brother, my contact. As I sat there shaking, there was one thought I couldn't suppress; it could have been Ian. He wanted to go and I wouldn't let him. I felt both relieved and guilty at the same time.

The police car arrived first. The officer jumped out.

"Miss, are you okay?" The officer asked.

"I don't know. My head hurts. And my knees. The other driver, he's unconscious."

"Okay, the ambulance is on its way. Don't get up. I'm going to check on the other driver."

A few minutes later, the ambulance pulled up followed by a fire truck. Things got very frantic then. One paramedic came over to address me and the others went to the more seriously hurt man in the car.

"You were the driver of the van?"

"Yes."

"You got out of the van, so I assume you can walk?"

"Yes, I got out of the passenger side because I couldn't open my door."

The gash on my left arm was from hitting the console but it easily could have been from the driver's side door had I been sitting there.

"Your head is bleeding. Did you pass out?"

"I don't remember. Maybe for a minute. I think I hit it on the steering wheel."

"No air bags?"

"It's an older model."

"Why would you drive an old van?"

Now, I would fabricate my big story. The reason for driving a van and the reason I needed to get out of here in a hurry.

"My brother gave me the van when I started college. I'm a theater major and we often have to take costumes and sets with us on location. We use the van."

"Hmm. You don't look old enough to be in college."

I chuckled nervously. "Yeah, I get all the parts to play a kid or a teenager. It's guaranteed work. I need to get back to school. We have a show going up tomorrow and I'm one of the lead characters. I need to get out of here!"

"Okay, calm down. We are going to get you to a hospital first, so they can check you out and get you properly healed."

"What about the other soul?"

"It's going to take some doing to get him out of that car. We'll take you in this ambulance and the next one should arrive for him before they get him secure. Come on."

He helped me up. "What's your name?"

"Shadow dancer."

"Good name for an actress."

"Thanks."

The paramedic helped me into the back of the ambulance and wrapped my head and my arm. He gave me a slip of 'No Pain'.

"Do you want to call your parents?"

"I don't have parents. They died during the transition. I just have my brother."

"What is his name?"

"Fire Starter."

"Mind if I call him? You just seem so young."

"No, go ahead. I already called him. He was very worried."

The paramedic handed me the phone. I dialed Nate's phone.

"Wanderer, are you alright?" Nate asked.

"Hello, Fire Starter, it's me, the paramedic wanted to talk to you to let you know that I'm alright."

"Okay. Put him on."

"Hello, Fire Starter. I'm a paramedic from the Red Rock Fire Department. I have your sister Shadow Dancer here."…"Yes, she appears to be okay. She has mainly superficial wounds to her head and her arm. Her knees have suffered some trauma but I'm sure they will be able to heal that quickly."…"Yes, she will need to be picked up. The van was destroyed. She's lucky to come out of it alive."

I started to think about Brandt and a lump rose in my throat. I started to cry.

"Can I talk to my brother, please?" I said through the tears.

The paramedic handed me the phone. "The other driver was much worse than me. I feel so bad for him." Nate knew I was really talking about Brandt.

"We're on our way right now. You take care of you, okay?"

"Don't pick me up. I need to get back to school. I'll rent a car. It's the only way I'll get there on time. We can worry about getting another van later." I was regaining my composure by the end of my sentence.

"That's good. You're thinking on your feet. That's my girl. Stay strong. I'll see you soon. I love you."

"I love you, too…Bye."

We arrived at the hospital and I was immediately taken to an examining room on a gurney. They wouldn't allow me to walk from the ambulance into the hospital, some kind of rule, they said.

The healer came in and checked me over. He was tall like Burns and he was of American Indian descent. He had beautiful jet black hair that was pulled into a ponytail and banded with leather. "I hear you were very lucky," he said calmly.

"I don't think having an accident is lucky," I replied.

"But surviving is."

A lump rose in my throat as I thought about Brandt lying in that ditch.

"I need to get back to school. Where is the nearest car rental place?"

"Probably at the shuttle port."

"That's an hour away from here! How am I supposed to get there?" I started to cry.

"Now, now little lady. I'm sure we can figure out something."

I told him the theater student story as he went to work healing first my head, then my knees, and finally the gash on my arm. When he finished, he walked to the pager system on the wall. "Miss Winter, would you come in here please?"

Miss winter came into the room. She was a pretty woman in her early thirties I would guess. She was wearing scrubs but I could see that she that she had a lovely figure.

"Could you do me a favor?" The doctor directed his question to her.

"Sure Doctor Black."

"This young lady needs a ride to the shuttle port so she can rent a car. She was in a car accident and she can no longer drive the vehicle."

"Sure. They are bringing the other driver in now. He's in pretty bad shape but they think we can save him."

I let out a sigh of relief. At least, the other driver wasn't going to die. I was hoping that his memory would be fuzzy and he wouldn't remember that the lights in the van weren't on.

"The officer is outside. He wants to get a statement from you before you go."

"Okay."

"You come and get me when you are ready to go. I'll be sitting at the front desk."

"Thank you, Miss Winter." Dr. Black said in approval.

"That was very nice of her."

He grinned. "Eh, she's my girlfriend. I knew she'd do it."

"Thank you Dr. Black."

"Well you, what is it they say? 'Break a leg'." He chuckled at the irony.

I went to the officer and gave him my statement. I gave him a false address in California just a few blocks from Maggie and Tom's house. Magnolia Street just stuck in my head for some reason. When the officer was satisfied that he had asked me all of the questions he could think of, he let me go. I went and found Miss Winter. She gave me a clean pair of scrubs to change into since I was covered with blood, and we were on our way. We had light conversation during the drive. She shied away from talking about the accident and focused on her hopes for a life with Dr. Black. She talked a lot which was good because then I didn't have to talk so much. When we got to the shuttle port, I thanked her and waved as she drove away. As soon as the car turned the corner, I bolted to the car rental desk.

I rented a mid size sedan with tinted windows. I took it for a week since I had no idea what to expect anymore. I filled out all the paperwork with fictitious name and address. They asked for my identification and I told them it was still in the van and that my brother would be retrieving it in a few days. They believed me.

By the time I got on the road back to the caverns it was four in the morning. The accident had happened before midnight so Brandt had been lying in that ditch for over four hours already and soon the sun would come up and he would have no protection from the heat. I drove as quickly as I could pushing it over the speed limit. I prayed I wouldn't get pulled over but I had to get back to Brandt. I wanted to call Nate but I was concentrating on the road. I was tired now and the closer I got the more I began to shake with fear at what I might find.

The sun came up before I reached Brandt. I pulled to the side of the road and ran to where I had left him. He was there and the flies were buzzing around him. I was too late. He was gone. I tried to pull him from the ditch but he was stiff and I was exhausted. I got back in the car; the tears were streaming down my face. Again, the thought that it could have been Ian flashed through my mind. Even though it was light I drove through the desert directly to the overhang.

As I pulled into the overhang Ian came out with the shotgun in his hand. I opened the door and put up my hands. "It's me."

"Wanderer?"

I rushed from the car. "Ian, we were in a car accident. Brandt, he's…he died." I just stood there shaking.

Ian dropped the gun and ran to me. He threw his arms around me. "Oh my god. Where is he?"

"He's in a ditch near the scene of the accident. I dragged him there last night."

"Are you okay?"

"No! Brandt is dead!" I started to sob.

Ian remained in control. "Okay, we have to go get him. You'll take me to him?"

"No! I don't want to go back!" I was hysterical now.

Ian put his hands on my arms and shook me gently to get my attention. He was leaning down to my level so he could see eye to eye with me. "Wanderer, keep it together just a little longer. We have to get his body out of that ditch before the buzzards come or the police might find him and then come looking for others. Please Wanderer. You have to do this, okay?"

I looked at his beautiful sad eyes and nodded my head.

"You wait in the car and I'll be right back, okay?" He walked me back to the passenger side of the car and shut my door after I got in. He went back and picked up the gun and disappeared inside the caverns. He emerged about five minutes later carrying a sheet. He opened the ashtray and dropped a cyanide pill into it. He started the car and we sped off.

"If we get caught, you tell them that I kidnapped you, okay?"

"Ian, I…"

He interrupted me. "Wanderer, for the sake off both clans, if we get caught, you have to protect them. Do you understand?" I did understand. It was exactly what I did when I dragged Brandt to that ditch.

"Okay, but it won't come to that." It was wishful thinking on my part.

He reached out and held my hand firmly in his.

"Who was driving?" He kept his eyes on the open desert as he spoke.

"He was." My voice hitched. He squeezed my hand.

"It was an accident," he reassured me.

"He didn't turn on the lights when we reached the highway. I don't think the other driver saw us coming."

Ian was quiet for a few minutes before he spoke again. "You're alright? No injuries?"

Ian turned onto the road by the wash and headed towards the highway as I answered his question. "They took me to the hospital and I was healed there. I had to go to the shuttle port to rent the car before I could get back."

He pulled my hand to his lips and kissed it. "You're sure he's dead?"

I started to cry. I couldn't answer him. At the highway he waited and turned in the direction we had been traveling. We drove a few miles.

"Oh crap," he muttered.

"What?"

"Vultures."

Ahead of us high in the air the vultures were circling. I pointed out the spot where I remembered leaving him. It was obvious because there were skid marks where the van had been hit and then spun. Ian slowed and made a U-turn and pulled to the side of the road where Brandt lay in the ditch. He looked for vehicles coming in either direction and then got out of the car and rushed into the ditch behind the car. I got out but I couldn't follow him. The scrubs I was wearing were already covered with Brandt's blood. Less than a minute later Ian came back carrying Brandt's body wrapped in a sheet. Tears were streaming down his face as I opened the back door and he slid the body into the back seat.

"Get in," he croaked. I obeyed. He ran to the driver's side and sped off just as another car was coming up the road from the opposite direction. He had both hands on the wheel and I could see the anger and the hurt in his face. He tried to wipe the tears from his face with his forearm but they just kept coming. I couldn't bear to see him like this so I curled away from him towards the door. When we reached the overhang I flew out of the car. I heard Ian call my name but I was in full sprint. I ran to the one place I knew I would be alone. I went to the storeroom and crawled into my little hole that was home to me the first few weeks I was here. This body was much smaller than Melanie's and I was able to scramble in quickly. I curled up in a ball and lay there sobbing.

Ian didn't come to me for about an hour. When he did he sat outside the hole and he cried too. It was heartbreaking hearing him in agony over Brandt. Brandt was one of his closest friends. He was one of the fab four as I thought of them; Ian. Kyle, Aaron, and Brandt. Now, because of me, there was only three. Ian must hate me because I hated myself.

After a while Ian fell silent and he was quiet for a long time. Finally he spoke. "Wanderer, I know you want to be alone but I wish you would come out here." I didn't respond. He reached in and put his hand on my ankle. I slowly pulled my leg away from him because I couldn't face him right now. He tried again. "I love you and I know it wasn't your fault." In my mind, it was my fault. I dragged him out there in the middle of the night and I should have reminded him to turn on the lights.

I curled up and began to cry quietly in my little hole in the wall until I eventually fell asleep. When I woke up I had no idea how long I slept. It could have been an hour or it could have been a day. There was no way to know in my prison I had put myself into. As I moved around, Ian became aware that I was awake.

"Wanderer, my love, please come out of there," he pleaded.

I thought to myself, with girlfriends like me, who needs enemies?

"You should hate me. I do." I finally responded.

"I don't hate you. It was an accident."

"An accident that would have been prevented if I hadn't dragged him out in the middle of the night."

Ian fell silent again because he couldn't argue with me.

A while later he tried another approach.

"Do you need to go to bathroom?"

"No."

"You must be hungry. Come out and we'll get some food."

"No."

He fell silent again.

Suddenly there was conversation outside the hole.

"What are you doing here? Who called you?"

"She did. Right after the accident." It was Nate. "She begged me to get to Brandt. She told me that she dragged him into the ditch and that he was hurt badly and she was afraid he wouldn't survive."

"He didn't make it," Ian said softly. I could hear the pain in his voice.

"I know. I'm sorry. Where is she?"

"In there. She won't come out," Ian replied.

"Has she slept?"

"Yes, for a little bit."

"Have you?"

"No."

"Mind if I try?"

It was quiet for a moment and then I could hear Nate speaking into my prison.

"Hey, Beautiful. It's me, Nate. I came just like you told me to. I'm sorry I was too late. You were really brave. You saved both clans by reacting the way you did. The paramedic told me you would be okay but I'd like to see for myself. Will you come out here so I can see?"

Ian spoke up. "You talked to the paramedic?"

"Yes. She told him I was her brother, Fire Starter, of all things. He said she was bleeding from the head, a laceration to her arm, and her knees were in bad shape. He wasn't sure if she had broken her kneecaps."

"She didn't tell me any of that. She's barely talked at all," Ian sounded broken.

Nate called back into my hole. "Wanderer, I drove two days to see that you are okay. Please, come out here or I'll have to leave without seeing you."

I knew that Nate didn't blame me. He was my rock through all of this. I couldn't let him leave without seeing him. I slowly climbed backwards out of my hole.

"That's my girl. Come on," he said.

I backed out of the hole and turned to him on my knees and buried my face in his chest. He sat there holding me and stroking my head. It was soothing. He kept on petting my head as he spoke.

"That's a good girl. You know you couldn't have saved him. Even if the souls had saved his life they would have taken him away and placed a Seeker into him and they would have found us."

"I should have reminded him to turn on the lights," I sobbed.

"Sweetheart, you can't remember everything. You weren't even driving," he remarked.

"You know what the worst thing is?" I croaked.

"What?"

I started to cry again. "I was just grateful it wasn't Ian. He wanted to go and I wouldn't let him. How horrible am I?"

"You're not horrible. You're in love. You know he's right here and he really needs you. You want to go to him?"

I nodded my head.

Nate passed me gently to Ian who was sitting on the floor next to him. Ian wrapped himself around my body and held me tight and he began to sob.

"I must be as horrible as you because I was just grateful it wasn't you," he blubbered.

Nate got up and walked away.

"Don't go Nate," I pleaded.

"I'll be back," he said as left the room.

I turned my attention back to my sobbing Ian.

"You don't hate me?"

"Never."

"You're not disappointed in me?"

"I'm proud of you. You did everything right. I don't know if another person would have kept their head as well as you did."

"But Brandt was your close friend."

"He was, and I am going to miss him terribly. Life goes on and thankfully I still have you."

I got up on my knees and wrapped my arms around his neck and hugged him tightly. "I love you."

"I adore you," he whispered.

I slumped back onto the floor and leaned into his chest. He held me tight but after a while he loosened his grip and started to nod off.

Nate came back into the room carrying a tray with food. He placed it on the floor.

"Hold on, I brought something else." He ran out of the room and came back dragging a mattress. He laid it next to Ian. Ian woke up. Nate knelt next to him.

"Ian, you need to sleep. Lay on the mattress. I'll take care of her."

"Wanderer?" he questioned.

"It's okay. Nate is right. You're dead on your feet."

"You won't climb back in that hole, will you?"

Nate answered him. "I won't let her."

Ian scrambled onto the mattress and lay on his side. I brushed my fingers through his hair as Nate had done to me. Ian was asleep in less than five minutes.

"I brought you some food. Will you eat for me?"

"I really need to go to the bathroom."

Nate jumped to his feet and reached down to pull me to mine.

He wrapped his arm around me and I wrapped both of my arms around him. We walked wrapped around each other to the bathroom. There were people congregating on the loveseats in the main cavern but I couldn't look at them. Someone called out. "How's Ian?"

Nate answered. "He's exhausted. He's asleep."

I'm not sure if they asked because they were worried about him or for him considering I was with Nate.

When we got back to the storage room, I slumped back to the floor. Nate urged me to eat the sandwich he had brought. I ate it. When I was done I nestled back into Nate's arms where I felt protected from my own grief. Nate kissed the top of my head. "Sleep."

When I woke I was in my own bed with Ian. He was still asleep. It was daylight. It was either Ian's birthday or the day after. I wasn't sure. Ian was all sprawled out on the bed in his Ian way. I rolled over and put my head in his armpit and my hand on his chest. I lay there quietly. After a while, Ian woke up. He rolled towards me. He pulled my chin up to meet his gaze.

"Hey," he whispered.

"Hey," I replied.

"I hope you don't mind. I didn't like seeing you in that room. It brought back bad memories."

"This whole thing is a bad memory. Is today your birthday?"

"Yes."

There was a knock on the door. It was Nate.

"Um…they are gathering outside for the funeral. I thought you would want to know."

Ian got up immediately. "Come on, Wanderer. We have to say good bye."

"I don't want to say good bye."

"I know but it's our only chance. Nate and I will be with you."

I crawled out of the bed and walked sluggishly towards Ian. He took my arm in his and led me to Nate. Nate offered me his arm and I took it. We walked slowly to the entrance of the cavern. I was still wearing the scrubs that Miss Winter had given me two nights ago. Burns was waiting for us with Lily at the entrance and Kyle and Sunny were waiting just outside. We went as a unified group to the gravesite.

When we arrived the entire 'family' was present. Aaron was up front. He was trying very hard not to cry but he was Brandt's best friend. Jeb spoke first.

"Today, we bury our very dear friend Brandt who was taken from us too soon. He was good man and loyal to the clan. I will miss him greatly and hope he has passed on to a better place." He threw in a handful of dirt.

Aaron stepped up next. He broke down as he spoke. "You were my best friend."

I couldn't take it. My knees buckled and Ian quickly scooped me into his arms. I buried my head.

Nate spoke low to Ian. "I'll take her. You say good bye to your friend."

Nate came over and took me from Ian and walked back to the entrance of the cavern. I was hysterical. He just walked in circles trying to calm me.

"Shhhh. It wasn't your fault. Nobody blames you."

After a few minutes he put me down on the hood of the rented car that was still parked under the overhang. He sat next to me and held my hand. About a half hour later Ian came back. He was wiping away the tears. The others passed by as they entered the cavern. Some of them stopped and rubbed my knee as they passed. Aaron stopped.

"Don't blame yourself." He turned slowly and walked away.

Ian confronted me. "You are going to take a bath with me, today, now. It will help us both to feel better."

"Ian, I don't..."

He put his finger to my lips. "Brandt wouldn't want us to grieve like this. You need to get over this. Do you love me?"

"Yes, but..."

Ian interrupted me. "It's my birthday. I want this." I couldn't fight him.

Nate nodded his head and smiled. Then he turned and stepped towards the entrance.

"Nate," I called.

"I'll be around." He bowed and then walked inside.

Ian held out his hand and I took it willingly. He led me back to our room and we picked out clothing and grabbed towels. As we walked to the bathing room, I put my head down in shame.

As we passed Doc and Sharon, he said, "Head up, my dear."

Once we got to the bathing room. Ian came to me.

"Arms up." I put up my arms and he pulled my scrub top over my head. He got close and reached around to my back and unsnapped my bra.

"I can do it myself you know."

He smiled his brilliant smile. "I know." He continued by pulling my pants down and pulling each leg out. He slipped off my panties. "Get in." He helped me slip into the tub. The water was cool and refreshing. Ian stripped out of his own clothes and slid into the tub. He went under water immediately. He stayed under the water for a long time before he came up and took a deep cleansing breath.

He walked over to me and bowed his head. "Do I have any gray hairs?"

"Great, now I'm giving you gray hairs?"

"You've been giving me gray hairs since the day I met you. I meant that I'm twenty six now. I'm nine years older than you. I'm practically your father."

"That reminds me. I meant to tell you. Nate knows that I am seventeen. The night we almost, you know, he had champagne. He apologized saying he knew I was only eighteen. I had to correct him."

"See. There goes another gray hair."

I smiled for the first time in days. "Even when all of your hair is gray, I'll still love you."

"Ditto."

"I'll never have gray hair. I'll dye it every other week if I have to."

He cradled my chin in his hands. "You're so vain."

"This is news to you?"

"No." He leaned in and kissed me. It was a slow burn kiss but he didn't allow it to go any further and that concerned me.

"You don't want to make love to me for your birthday?"

"Tomorrow," he paused. "Let's just enjoy life today."

Ian proceeded to wash my hair and I washed his. Then he cradled me against his chest and washed and caressed my breasts and abdomen. It was all very pleasurable and yet innocent. "Thank you," he murmured in my ear.

"For what?"

"For being here for my birthday."

"I want to thank you too."

"For what?"

"For being so wonderful about Nate."

"He did what I couldn't do. He got you out of that hole. I'm pretty jealous of that," Ian admitted.

"He did it for you," I pointed out.

"Yes, I guess he did."