I am quite evil aren't I?

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

He leaned against the door, hand to his face, eyes closed and taking deep breathes as his body shook. Okay, control his breathing; he had to keep control. Did he know what was going on? No. Did he understand it? Certainly not. Even still he had to keep calm, he had to keep control-

"Are ya a'right in there?" Dirk's voice came, his fist pounding against the door.

He choked a bit and his body tensed, catching the glimpse of his reflection across from him in the mirror.

What was this? Who was this- he? Who was he now? Why did- no, keep calm, he had a situation to deal with right now. He had to keep Dirk off his trail; …name…he needed a name, a name and a reason- got it.

Taking a deep breath he exited the room, attempting to keep himself calm.

"I apologize," he said, trying to look casual, "I didn't feel well all of a sudden- I didn't mean to alarm you."

Dirk raised an eyebrow, scanning him, and only Kratos' years of keeping up lies kept his insecurity from being seen.

"Ya talk a mite fancy fer a traveler, don'tcha?" the dwarf asked.

"I wasn't always a traveler, sir," he said simply.

"Aye, ah see, ya don' have ta say anymore," Dirk nodded.

Kratos looked at him a moment and then sat himself back down at the table, glancing at his host at he did the same.

"Yer name, lad?" Dirk asked.

Kratos tweaked a bit at 'lad'. Granted the dwarf had called him that when they met before, but he had had the appearance of a younger male when that had happened. He was clearly older looking now- as a result of this- so why was he still being referred to as such?

"Pardon but I don't see why I'm being called that," he frowned a bit, scanning him. "I…am clearly not a child, as you can see."

"It's a habit ah'guess," the dwarf laughed, smiling, "I don' call anyone anything o'ther than that unless they're older than me, y'know. Sorry but it's just how ah talk. Now then…yer name?"

Hm, well that hadn't succeeded in throwing him off at all. Name. He asked for a name.

"Richard," he said, stating the name he had conjured up, "Richard Scott."

Though granted he had taken 'Scott' from Anna's last name…

"Ah see," Dirk nodded, scanning him again. "Now would ya mind tellin' me what yer doin' out here in the woods, Scott?"

"I lost my way," he said smoothly.

"Lost yer way and passed out at a woman's grave?"

"Yes," he said stiffly, though realized full well that he wouldn't drop the subject.

Truthfully he hadn't thought of a true viable excuse…but he had no choice but to go along with it now.

"Right," Dirk said, "I saw yer locket when I brought ya in, didn't mean ta, mind ya, but I noticed yer family picture."

Kratos froze.

"…"

Why was it he couldn't think of anything to say? This was- this was crazy, how had any of this happened? What was he supposed to say? He couldn't even make sense of this- was this some kind of trick? An illusion? A trap? But if it was…what did it matter? Yggdrasill and Cruxis already knew that Lloyd was his son….why would they be trying to do something like this? Even still this didn't seem like any kind of illusion…

"An' excuse mah for sayin' but…that woman looks an awful lot like the lady that is buried outside."

Any sense of control he still had promptly vanished.

Dirk scanned him and by his expression he had confirmed what he had suspected- though granted it was in a way that was both true and very, very wrong and the same time.

"Ah see," he said, "Yer his father ain't ya?"

"Wh-? I- I do not know what you are-"

"Lloyd," he said flatly, "that's yer son's name ain't it? The name of the kid in that picture o' yours."

Only a smack to the face could have gotten the same reaction. He tried to speak but his throat was dry, constricted, tight; he could barely breathe much less find it in him to speak. What was he supposed to say? What was he supposed to think? Was this all some kind of cruel joke by the fates? What kind of hell was this; that he became the man his son had envisioned as his father, and now was being called out as such! This was all some kind of nightmare, a dream-

…Or…was it…a dream come true?

The thought struck him and his flinched, his eyes widening a bit.

Did it matter…what was happening? How this had happened? Did it matter if...this was the case? Did it matter the reasons, when what he had wished for was happening right then and there?

Did it matter, and did he really…want to pass this up?

"Yah look jist like him" Dirk scanned him, "It's not hard to put the pieces tagether ya'know."

Why couldn't he speak? Why couldn't he think? Why was this happening? Why….why…

He could be his father.

His heart stopped.

He could be his father; he could really come out and be his father. It's not like he could go back to Cruxis like this anyway, and he- apparently it was obvious that he was Lloyd's father now. He could be his father! He could come out and tell him the truth- most of the truth, at any rate. He could tell him he was his father, he could tell him about his mother, about how he met her, saved her, fell in love with her and how he came into the world and how broken he was all these years when he had thought them dead…

No…there were still the lies, still the secrets, still his sins…

But….but…

He tried to say something, what, he wasn't sure. It didn't matter, because he choked on his breath and took a deep breath in an attempt to calm himself. Then suddenly he was aware of a dampness on his cheeks.

No…no way…this couldn't be...

"Yah don' have ta- ah realize this is emotional fer ya," he heard Dirk say, "ta find yer son's home, and ah know findin' out a non-human like mahself raised him might be hard fer yah too, but yah don' have to be scared or nothin'. Lloyd is alive and ah know he'll be happy ta see yer alive yerself."

He choked again.

"I….I…"

He tried to think of something, but instead his words began to run away without his thoughts.

"How can I face him?" he whispered, hanging his head. "How can I possibly face him now?"

There was just another moment of silence as Kratos shook, clenching his fists.

"What's stoppin' yah?"

"What's-?" he opened his eyes, looking up at the dwarf. "What do you mean what's- stopping- I thought he was dead for fourteen years and I…find he's alive- I …I abandoned him."

"Yah thought he was dead, that's more than understandable in this world, with them Desian bastards," Dirk scowled, "That's not yer fault, ah can see…"

"How can you?" he snapped, growling just a bit, ignoring the itching in his eyes again. "How can you possibly say this isn't my fault-!"

He cut himself off in mid-shout, forcing himself to take deep breathes to calm himself. What was he doing…why was he losing control?

"Ah don' see a man that'd 'abandon' his family carryin' their picture around his neck," the dwarf said sternly, meeting his eyes.

Kratos met his eyes and found his mind blank, his tongue tied, and any frustration and rage replaced with some hollow feeling he couldn't- fear. He was afraid. Afraid of what exactly- …no he knew what he was afraid of.

"…" he closed his eyes, attempting to calm himself again. "I thought he was dead."

He repeated it, he knew there was no point in it, but he did. Why was that? Or was it he was finally breaking? After all this time, all these years, all the guilt and grief…was it right here and now he was finally losing control?

Dirk said nothing, rather just sat there and looked at the man and he tried to collect himself, shaking, his hand gripping his head.

"I can't," he finally whispered.

"Eh?"

"I can't see him," he said, "I can't intrude on his life this late- I failed to protect him and his mother. I failed, I can't see him, I don't deserve to-"

"Baloney!" Dirk scoffed, knocking his fist against the table.

Kratos flinched slightly, somehow the sound alarmed him. It shouldn't have though, it wasn't nearly as loud as things usually were- ….

Nothing was, as a matter of fact.

Oh no.

However he didn't get much time to think about that.

"Ah won' be hearin' such talk!" the dwarf scoffed, getting to his feet, though the affect was diminished by his diminutive stature. "He'll be happy as hell ta see ya, an' I won' have ya showin' up and then jist leavin' him, ya hear me?"

Kratos looked at him and then back down at the table, forcing himself to take calm breathes.

"He already has a father," he whispered.

His mind began to wander and he found himself thinking back to his conversation with Lloyd that night, then to other times spent with him, to when he carried the child in his arms…and how he had killed his mother, abandoned him, and betrayed him.

"How can he ever forgive me?" he whispered, eyes misted, barely realizing he had spoken out loud.

"Well ya won't know until ya speak ta him yerself," Dirk said.

Once again they fell to silence as Kratos tried to get his thoughts together, tried to make sense of his emotions and his situation.

Perhaps this was all a dream, he hadn't slept in years, but….perhaps he had somehow. What else could it be? Even so…

"Well ya'll find out soon enough," Dirk said, "He should be back soon."

He flinched, his eyes widening. Back-? No that was impossible! Lloyd was making the pacts, how could he be-?

"He said he and his friends'd be back today, said they had somethin' important to do."

Something important to do…of course, the summon spirits in Sylvarant. They went to make the pacts in Sylvarant- wait. No, if that's where they went, then they really could be back soon-

No. No he had to go.

He got to his feet and nearly headed for the door.

"Yer not tryin' ta leave are ya?" Dirk scowled. "I thought ya felt bad ya thought you abandoned him, and now yer tryin' to do it for real?"

His foot stopped and he almost stumbled forward, his body freezing in place.

Abandon…him…

No. No he didn't want to abandon him- he couldn't- but no! This was wrong! He couldn't do this, he wasn't- this man he had become wasn't Lloyd's father- …but…he was Lloyd's father, right? So…why couldn't he-? It was a lie, wasn't it? But if it was him and he really was Lloyd's father then…was it really a lie?

"He…" he choked, frowning, "He already has a father. He doesn't need me…"

"I'm thinkin' ya need ta wait for Lloyd ta decide that himself," Dirk said gently, but still stern.

Decide that himself? Could he really do that? Could he really deserve such a chance?

"Yer afraid, an' that's a'right," Dirk said. "but if yah don' stay, ah'll tell him about ya anyway…and as headstrong as he is he'll find yah."

"…His mother always was stubborn," he whispered, clutching the locket.

"Then ah'm guessin' that's where he got it," the dwarf smiled good-naturedly, "Speakin' of his mother…if yah really aren' sure if yah can do this, try ta think what she'd say to yah."

"…." He hesitated, looking back at him, "What she would..say…"

"If she knew yah finally found yer kid after all this time, what would she tell ya to do?"

Kratos looked at him a moment and a bitter laugh escaped him, his face falling as a sad smile graced his lips.

"She would have smacked me silly and told me to 'get in there and hug him', probably add some profanities too," he smirked weakly, remembering how he had thought she would do such when he first saw her grave.

But…he had been too weak, too cowardly to…

Still, this situation was different. What would she have wanted?

…She would want him to tell the truth. No- he couldn't do that- he just- Lloyd would never accept or believe it, for one. Especially now that he looked like this, he would never believe it…

Still conflicted, he found himself sitting down again, holding the locket tightly, trying to sort out his thoughts. Should he stay? Go? But if he stayed…but then, if he went, where could he go? He couldn't go back to Cruxis like this, and even if he could get back to Tethe'alla…

"Jist sit tight then," Dirk said, "Lloyd'll be back in a few hours-"

However, Dirk was wrong; seeing as the door just opened. Kratos froze solid, his eyes widening as the group entered, a tad sunburned and bits of sand still sticking to their hair and clothes.

"Lloyd-?" Dirk began.

"Hey Dad, you won't believe this, we ran right into a sandstorm, we couldn't even get to Triet-"

They locked eyes.

A dead silence fell over the room, and all either swordsman was aware of was the other. Kratos was frozen, staring at his son, feeling his body begin to shake slightly, despite his best efforts at control. Lloyd stared at him, his eyes wide, the brown orbs stuck in place before hastily scanning the man he looked at, like a scurrying mouse frantically searching a floor for the last crumb of cheese, the teen held that same panic, and yet that same hopefully desire that he would find what it was he was looking to see.

"…Dad?" he whispered, turning his head to Dirk, though his eyes didn't leave Kratos, "Who is this?"

Kratos swallowed, and then swallowed again. Why couldn't he breathe right? What was this? He had never had such problems controlling his body; not since he was human- ….of course. It had to be that…

"Why dontcha introduce yerself, eh?" Dirk said, looking at him, ignoring his adoptive son.

"Introduce…yourself-? Wait! Who- who are you?" Lloyd asked, taking a step forward, staring at the man sitting in his living room.

Was he really seeing this? This person in front of him looked just like- but that was impossible- could it really be? He looked exactly like- He swallowed, his heart beginning to pound in his chest, his throat constricting.

"Dammit, stop staring at me and tell me!" he shouted, clenching his fists.

Kratos hesitated and hung his head a moment, shaking a bit. He took a deep breathe and then stood up, frowning and turning to look at Lloyd again.

"My na-" his voice faltered and he swallowed, reinforcing his voice, "My name is Richard Scott."

Could he still back out of this? Could he have managed to get out of this now? Maybe, just maybe, but…the part of him that didn't want to had begun to win out.

"Richard…" Lloyd trailed, but the name obviously didn't seem to matter much, his eyes still scanning the man before him. "What are you…doing here, then?"

They looked at each other a minute and Kratos tried to speak, but stopped when he felt he would not be able to. He closed his eyes and his grip tightened around the locket in his hand- …

"I…know this is…uncomfortable," he managed, "I merely- I just-"

He stepped forward and slipped the locket off his neck, holding it out to Lloyd, who stared at it, then at him and then back at the piece of metal. Lloyd blinked and slowly took it, opening it up and looking inside.

"It's a family," he said dumbly, knowing what it meant deep down, but finding himself unable to confirm it.

"Yes," he said weakly, "My wife Anna…"

Lloyd jerked and looked up at him, his eyes widening dangerously, mouth slightly agape.

"A- Anna-?"

"And my…son…" he whispered.

There was no way he was getting out of this now.

"My son, Lloyd," he finished, bracing himself for a reaction.

Once again there was nothing but dead silence. Until Lloyd began to shake violently, gritting his teeth, locking eyes with him.

"You're my father," he said flatly, his body tensing.

"I- Lloyd, I know you must be upset-"

Kratos choked on his words, the younger swordsman having thrown his arms around his body in a crushing hug. The ancient man stared blankly at nothing, his body unresponsive, only aware of his son embracing him in a tight hug.

Was this really happening-?

"You're alive-! You're really- you're really alive!" the teen cried out in an euphoria.

He choked out a sound that he might have one time intended as a word, but he wasn't sure anymore. His body felt frozen, stiff, as if he had been turned into a statue right on the spot, his limbs stolid and immobile. What was he supposed to do? It felt like any and every bit of information in his mind had deserted him, like he was a child, new to the world with nothing to reference, nothing to look back on. So what was he to do?

"I can't believe it!" Lloyd drew back just a bit, still hugging him, his eyes wet with tears of joy and a grin plastered on his face. "You're really alive! You're my dad-! You're- you're-"

The look in Kratos' eyes cut him off, and for an instant of horror, the teen thought he had made some grave mistake. Seeing this flicker of despair, Kratos finally reacted. His arms wrapped around Lloyd in response, holding him close, and a sting began to develop in his eyes. He closed them and held Lloyd close, his voice coming out as a choking stutter, but coming out nonetheless.

"Lloyd- Lloyd-"

He wanted to say a million things right then. Many of which he wasn't even sure how to say at all. An apology, a confession, and to beg for forgiveness… Finally he went to apologize, went to say sorry, to spill his guts to his son, to tell him everything and tell him how sorry he was, tell him of all his crimes and then let the boy take out his vengeance.

Instead he said the thing he wanted to say most.

"I love you." he choked.

…n.n

…I'll update something else soon, really (pouts)

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