Battle for Competency: Preparations
Snape sat at his desk reading the names on the magical scroll that increased in length each time someone signed the line on the Daily Prophet article. He had spent the last many hours crossing out the names of those he didn't know and circling the ones he considered to be semi competent. In his mind none of these people were fully competent, but there were a few names he had circled that he thought could do the job reasonably well.
Exhausted, and with many names left to go through and a mere 23 on his list, he called out, "Dizzy, Fazzle." Two elves popped into the room.
"You called, sir?" The two elves responded.
"You have both been here for many years, yes?"
"I be being here for 114 years sir, and Dizzy being here 132!"
"That should do. I would like you to go through this and circle the names of people you think would be good defense instructors. Once you have 27 circled names you may stop. Write the names you circled on this list then owl a copy of this acceptance letter to everyone on the list."
"That be putting a lot of trust in house elves sir."
"We be doing our best sir!" With that, the two disappeared with the list.
The two elves sat ensconced at a table making occasional comments such as...
"Not him, he pulled Dizzy's ears."
"That one would do. He rescued Fazzle when a scary thing came out of a cupboard."
"She protected McKinnen when McKinnen be being bullied."
On and on and on they went, crossing out names and circling the names of the ones they had seen help others out of scary situations.
Little did Snape realize that by enlisting the elves help he was dooming himself to spending several years working along side someone he hates.
Battle for Competency: Competition Phase
Flaggrate Field
Saturday morning arrived. Hermes DeMetis (AKA 009) sat at the registration table hassling the entrants.
"If you're not interested in the prize then don't sign."
"Why should I have to sign a contract?"
"The prize is worth 30,000 galleons. Of course there is a contract."
"But what does it say? What is the prize?" whined the contestant.
"If you are incapable of reading perhaps you shouldn't participate in this competition," replied Hermes with a raised brow.
The man grumbled and walked away. A few others did likewise, as they were equally unwilling to read or sign something they hadn't read. The majority, however, were too enamored with the value of the prize to care what was on the contract.
The Competition Begins
Forty-five of the forty-six contestants that had signed the contract were lined up for the start of the competition. Hermes grabbed hold of Lockhart's arm and began to haul him away from where he had been hawking books, smiling for cameras and signing every piece of paper in sight. "Stand here," demanded Hermes.
"Are we taking a group picture?" questioned Lockhart. Snape just rolled his eyes and walked away.
"For the first phase of the competition each of you will be hunting another competitor."
The eyes of some of the more dangerous competitors brightened at this, they had joined the competition for the chance to use dark spells without getting in trouble with the ministry. This was a dark arts competition after all! They must be allowed to use dark spells, right?
Hermes waved his wand and a number appeared on each competitor's back; a second swish and each competitor held a small piece of paper in their hand with a number written upon it. The papers disintegrated moments later. "Hunting someone other than the person assigned to you will result in immediate disqualification." This incited groans of disappointment from a few of the competitors. "Once you have eliminated one competitor a new number will appear in your hand. Phase One will end when twenty competitors remain. Begin," intoned DeMetis.
Some of the competitors proved to be idiots, as they casually walked around looking at the numbers on others backs as though they were socializing at a party. Many of those idiots collapsed within one minute. The more intelligent ones took cover or disillusioned themselves, then quietly snuck about looking for their prey while keeping an eye out for their predators. A few ignored the rules and just randomly began cursing anyone they could see. The rule beakers quickly found themselves in a body bind and lifted from the field and portkeyed away.
Number 32 used his senses, and hiding position behind a tree, to his advantage. He spied his prey from a distance, then used his superior hearing and scent to identify the location of his stalker. As he could only directly attack his prey he transfigured the spines on pine cones into sharp blades and surrounded himself with them. There was a scent in the air of prey. A flick of his wand and he had his prey firmly glued to a tree with the tree's own sap. One swish turned the goo into solid amber incasing the prey and their wand. A step and a scream was heard behind him as his stalker's foot landed on the sharp, bladed pine cones. Number 32 disillusioned himself and snuck away, in search of his next victim.
When a horn signaled the end of phase one Lockhart was found cowering behind his sales table. Since the table was not considered out of bounds Lockhart pompously made his way to the group moving on to Phase Two. "One of the best tactics can be to simply know how to stay out of dangers way." Lockhart grinned as he posed for a photo.
The twenty remaining competitors gathered round Hermes near the edge of the woods. "For phase two you each will be given a list of three potentially dangerous, magical creatures that exist in these woods. It is your job to subdue and retrieve one of the creatures on your list. Do not harm any creatures. Protect yourself, defend yourself as needed, but injuring any of the creatures will result in disqualification. The first ten competitors to complete the task will move on to phase three.
Ron would recognize the names of the creatures on some of the competitors list: red caps, flesh eating slugs, lithifolds, and blood sucking bearbug.
Number 18 captured a cockatrice, which can petrify a person. First he cast aguamenti on the ground creating a mud hole. Then he cast a bird call charm to attract the cockatrice. Once the cockatrice was standing in the mud he cast heat and pressure charms, changing the mud to rock around the cockatrice feet. It seemed just to use rock to capture the creature that changes its enemies into rock. Then he approached it from behind and cast a stunning charm.
Number 3 captured a flesh eating slug by retrieving fish from a stream and laying them out on the ground. She then hid on a tree branch and waited for the slugs to consume the fish, which they did. Violently. She stunned one of the slugs, and levitated it into her handbag. 30,000 galleons was worth sacrificing a handbag.
Number 32 captured a northern lethifold by pretending to be asleep in a cave. The wizard in question laid in wait. As the lethifold flowed closer the wizard cast a net shield over the opening of the cave then cast a patronus at the lethifold. The lethifold fled toward the cave opening and was trapped in the shield net.
Number 16 captured a mackled malaclaw, but was bit by it which resulted in a week's worth of bad luck, beginning with slipping on a wet stone and getting mud all over his new robes and ending with an argument with his wife that left him sleeping alone on the couch for several nights.
Number 7 captured a blood sucking bugbear by enlisting the help of his nephew and niece. The two had been bickering all day. All he had to do was lead them twenty feet into the woods and let them be themselves...
"Give me my doll."
"I don't have your doll snake breath."
"Do too snot nose." Then the pushing and shoving started. Forty seconds later the wizard had his bugbear and was ushering his sister's children out of the woods.
The red caps attacked Number 43 from the upper edge of the last remaining wall of an old battlement. A rock struck his head and he dropped to one knee. Another red cap ran up to the wizard and with teeth barred swiped his hand across the wizard's bloody forehead and smeared the blood across his own head. The wizard cast a jelli leg jinx on the four foot tall creature and then quickly bagged the flopping being.
Lockhart, who had finally caught on that he was in a competition used a memory charm on another competitor, stole the mackled malaclaw and delivered it to Hermes. Double o'nine glared at Lockhart but accepted the creature. Snape was not pleased. Lockhart wasn't supposed to make it this far.
A kelpie, graphorn and an ashwinder were also captured. Ten people were eliminated for either delivering their creature too late or failing to obtain one completely.
"Phase Three," Hermes spoke to the remaining witches and wizards, "Is about recognizing and explaining how to defend against different dark spells." A Jeopardy style board materialized behind DeMetis. "The top three point earners will move on to the final round." DeMetis went on to explain the rules of Jeopardy to the pure-bloods that remained, not disclosing that it was a muggle game. Meanwhile, a few of the less pure competitors tried their best to hold in their snickers at the supposedly superior pure-bloods who seemed quite intrigued by the game. Finally, round three began.
"Number 18, as first back you get first choice. Competitors, buzz in when you know the answer," recited Alex (AKA: Hermes DeMetis, AKA 009, AKA Snape).
"I'll take jinxes for 300."
"This jinx produces purple light and causes pustules."
"Lockhart," gritted Hermes at the sound of the buzzer.
"What is conjunctus? It can be countered with a dejunctus," grinned the former Ravenclaw. He may not be able to perform spells worth a knut, but like any Ravenclaw he was well studied in the names and descriptions of spells.
"Correct," stated a pissed off Snape.
"Curses for 400."
"This curse causes hags to look attractive to the person it was cast on."
A women competitor huffed, but answered none the less.
And so the competition continued. In the end, Lockhart, Wizard number 32 and Witch number 3 moved on to the final round.
"For your final challenge you will enter one of those three structures and defend yourself against what you find inside. The competitor that best deals with what they find and comes out with the fewest injuries will win the competition and the prize valued at 30,000 galleons."
The three remaining competitors each entered one of the three dilapidated structures through a different location, either door, basement hatch, or broken window. They were each met with an unexpected site: animal inferi. One met with an inferi grizzly bear, another was set upon by rabid raccoon inferi, a third was attacked by inferi fire salamanders. The one who met with the cantankerous bear fled the scene. The competitor set upon by a gaze of raccoon inferi set them ablaze, but the wooden structure burned as well and the witch escaped, but sported many burns.
The final competitor had the greatest challenge to deal with. Inferi flee from light, while fire salamanders crave flames. Still, his first instinct was to react to them as though they were only the prior, not the secondary. First he cast a shield charm on the structure so it wouldn't burn along with the inferi, then he cast the flame. The fire salamander quickly multiplied in number until there was a swarm. Realizing his mistake he dowsed the flames and instead conjured sunglasses then cast the brightest light he was capable of. Each salamander scurried to any crevasse and crack they could fit into. The wizard sealed each space as the creatures disappeared within.
Lupin emerged from the structure the victor of the competition.
Snape fumed. His own machinations had caused the wolf to become the Defense Professor of Hogwarts for the next three years.
The fine print on the contract each competitor and McGonagall had signed included:
The victor of the Dark Arts Competition will be paid a salary of 10,000 galleons plus room and board, annually for a minimum of three years in return for services as the Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
Lupin was so grateful upon finding out what the prize was that he hugged a steaming 009 and was nearly burned by the heat rolling off the man.
Lockhart had fled via disapperation, this left him with the ability to spin a tale for his adoring public, "Just as I entered the structure I was signaled by the Howardsville Mayor that their town was in danger. I once rescued their people from a dragon. They gave me a pennant that would vibrate if ever they were in danger again. I had no choice but to do my duty and leave the competition to help the citizens of Howardsville."
I used information from the HP Lexicon Bestiary to help me decide which creatures to use and how best to capture each.