A/N: I wanted to be done with this by my birthday, but then school and life in general happened so... Anyway, here's another (belated) birthday present from me. I think some people have been waiting for this. You guys have waited long enough.

Enjoy!

. . .

Wasted – Chapter 13

Waddling in Watercolour

. . .

"You should change your relationship status."

That's Ino, stating the painfully obvious.

"Why?"

And that's me, completely oblivious to the social convention that states that any couple that has been dating for a minimum of two weeks should officially announce it on all the online social networks each party has an account on.

As Sai and I have been dating for two weeks, it seems my lack of Facebook-officialising is now wrong and off-putting for the public at large.

I'm just... worried of what people might say. I mean, most of the girls I'm friends with will congratulate me, like my status at the most, but what about the guys? How many of them will see it as losing me as a booty call? And some girls will call me out on not being a party girl anymore, or maybe not being able to have boyfriend, as I've proved over the past year. And then, Sai will read all of that and might rethink his decision to like me.

Every day since he came to help out at the shoot, we've been together. We walk to school, we spend free periods together, I do my homework in the art room, he does his in the editing room, and then he walks me home. We haven't done anything more than kissing, which is getting a little tedious, but considering that he hasn't been as sexually active as me recently and that we've only known each other for a month, making out is still huge progress in the right direction.

However, my birthday is coming up, so I might request an adult sleepover as my present from him.

Another thing we've been doing, and I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that one, is that we've been smoking up a lot. More than I thought anyone did and nothing I can't handle, but I've decided to sit one out once or twice because it was getting too regular for my taste. He's being very understanding and doesn't push me to do anything, but I've come to like the effect weed has on me. I'm so much happier and my creativity tripled over the past weeks. I'm better at editing than Ino is, so she usually makes the rough cut following our montage list and then lets me do whatever I want with the pace and rhythm. So, with my new habits, I've been making the riskiest montage I could've possibly made.

Our script was weird to start with, but watching my editing sober, I can't help but think that no one will get it. It's visually striking, yes, and if I may say so myself, very well edited, it just... doesn't make sense. And it makes less sense with my high-as-Bob-Marley-kite cuts. I've shown it to Ino, however, and she loves it. Says it's my best work since we've started the program and that "this will definitely get us into Videostock".

Videostock is the sort of gala we get at the end of each semester, nothing fancy, where the best videos (selected by the teachers) are presented to everyone who shows up. Then, prizes are handed for Teachers' Favourite, Public's favourite and Best Overall Production, which congratulates the team that did a stellar job on the paperwork, handed everything in on time and respected all the guidelines. Even better if they overcame imponderables, which are the really sucky, unpredictable problems each team encounters at some point, like absent actors, broken equipment, missing accessories and so on. The gala is usually a jolly time for everyone involved and yes, it's named after Woodstock.

Oh, and the Teachers' Favourite is sent as a submission to one or two minor film festivals. And that's what everyone strives for.

But back to Sai and me.

His reaction to my editing usually involves kissing me and telling me I'm beautiful. That makes me happy, yes – incredibly happy – but I'd appreciate it if he also complimented my ability to do what I intend to do with the rest of my life. Since, you know, if things go right, I'll be talking to him about for the rest of my life. Not that I plan on marrying him just yet, but... Well, he's making me happier than I was even at the beginning of my relationship with Idate.

I can feel myself falling. It's scary, but I have no intention of refraining myself.

. . .

It's March 26th. I just left the art room. It's pretty late, but Sai had to stay longer to work on a project due Monday. I asked him to come over on Sunday, because I wanted to celebrate my birthday with him. I'm having dinner with my parents, tomorrow night, but Sunday will be all about him and me. We've been Facebook official for a week; I should be able to get him to do something more than kissing. He seemed eager when I told him, and his kiss goodbye was a lot more intense than necessary. Maybe he's looking forward to it like me.

The rain outside is terrible. Rain in March is worse than snow. It's wet, freezing and doesn't get absorbed into the ground because everything is still frozen, so everything is ten times more slippery. I run through the parking lot and up the street to my apartment. It wasn't raining this morning, so I didn't bother bringing an umbrella. Good job, me.

I need a shower, I need my pyjamas and I need to make my room presentable for Sunday. Or maybe I could go to his place. Unlike me, Sai lives on his own. I have all my flatmates to consider, plus the state of my room is reminiscent of the aftermath of a hurricane. Yeah. I'll call him when I get home and ask if we can go to his apartment instead.

Oh, look, someone's at the door. They must be freezing.

I reach into my bag to fetch my keys and arrive next to the visitor who seems to have spent at least an hour in the rain. There's a suitcase at their feet.

"Are you okay?" I ask. The person turns to me.

Oh, no.

Oh, Jesus, no.

It's Sasuke.

But... Oh, my God, he looks like death!

"Sasuke!?" He leans forward. "What's wrong?"

Oh, he's not leaning. He's falling. To the ground.

"Sasuke!" As if yelling will help. I catch him in my arms and heave him to the door. I struggle with my keys and nearly fall through the door when I finally get it open. I drag him to my room. Apparently, none of my flatmates are in, because no one comes to help me.

Once in my room, I shove him onto my bed and run back out to go fetch his suitcase. It's heavy and wet, so I leave it in the entrance hall. I rush back to Sasuke. He's still lying on my bed, but he's awake and he's shaking like a leaf. I sigh.

"Okay. I'm gonna have to undress you. Don't try anything funny."

Even in his weak state, he's able to send me a look that says "Do I really look like I'm going to try something?" I get started on his snow coat and go hang it in the bathroom. Then, I pull off his shoes and socks, trying to keep the inevitable awkward for last. I get him to sit so I can pull his shirt over his head. There is nothing even remotely sexy about this and I still manage to get worked up. My God, I'm stupid.

I unbuckle his belt and undo his pants. I know his underwear will have to come off as well, but I still try to put it off for as long as I can. The fabric of his pants is sopping wet and incredibly difficult to pull down his legs. I hang them in the bathroom with his coat, then shove his shirt and socks into the dryer. I'm left with his underwear.

They're gray boxer-briefs, and even while he's suffering from hypothermia, I can't help but think that they're incredibly sexy.

No! Bad Sakura!

Okay. Let's think about this. How could I make this not awkward? Well, less awkward? I can't ask him to take them off, it'll feel like a strip tease. I can't take them off while he's in my bed, it'll feel like I'm cheating on Sai.

Oh, I know! I'll give him a bath. That's a good reason to take his underwear off and it'll clear him from my bed for half an hour. Then I'll be able to change and he won't die! Yes! Good Sakura. You're being smart, today. I cover him with my blanket and get the hot water running.

Once the bath is full, I get him to walk to the bathroom, still wrapped in my blanket, then I peel it off of him. I warn him about what I'm about to do, then stand behind him so as to not get a full view of what I've seen before but don't intend to see again, hook my thumbs into the elastic band on his hips and slip his underwear down. I push him towards the bath and help him sit into it, without looking any further down than his chest. I leave him there, with the shower curtain pulled in case someone walks in, and go to my room to bring back my blanket and change.

I wanted to take a shower, but Sasuke's sudden return to the land of the visible kind of shot that horse in the face. I tie my wet hair as gracefully as I can and slip into my warmest pyajams. I also put on my... well, I don't know what they're called exactly. They're like slippers but they continue into socks. I called them "slippocks" in a stroke of creative genius. They're really comfortable, though! But I digress.

I walk back to the bathroom and sit on the toilet lid. I dare not pull the curtain back, but I call Sasuke's name to signify my presence and to make sure he's still alive. He grunts back. There's a moment of silence. I break it.

"Why are you here?" I ask. It takes him a while to answer.

"... Needed a bath."

"What!?"

"Don't yell."

"I'm not yelling!" He just sighs. "Sasuke?"

"What?"

"Where have you been?"

"... Around."

"That's not an answer." He sighs again.

"Not tonight."

"Sasuke..."

"Please."

His tone is so strained and tired, I can't bring myself to insist. It's like the weight of the entire world is on his shoulders and knowing about his upbringing like I do, it's not something he's used to. It's like he's really saying "Kill me now". I sit on the toilet lid in silence, looking at my feet. I know there's nothing I can say that's going to dissipate the heavy atmosphere and it makes me feel powerless. He doesn't say anything else either and we stay like that for half an hour, until he tells he's cold. I go fetch him a towel and his dry shirt and underwear. I tell him to come back to my room when he's done and leave him to change.

Back in my bedroom, I pick up some dirty clothes and pile up dirty dishes I haven't brought back to the kitchen yet. I make sure there's nothing on the bed that could prick, poke, cut or otherwise hurt him during the night, then I create a barrier in the center of the mattress with my mountain of pillows. Sasuke walks in as I plop down on my side of the bed with my laptop. He eyes the Great Wall of Made-In-China Pillows with a raised eyebrow but otherwise doesn't say anything and slips under the covers.

I eventually turn off my laptop, switch off the lights and lie down under the covers next to the pillow fortress. And I can't sleep. I don't like having Sasuke in my bed, but I couldn't just make him sleep on the floor, could I? I can feel the mattress shake and I know that he's still cold. The truth is, I am too, but I don't really feel like getting up to take a shower.

"Sakura?" His voice makes me jump.

"Yeah?"

"I'm cold."

He sounds like a little boy calling out to his mom. I can feel my heart melt, but I try not to pay any attention to it. If anything, this is a trick to get me to have sex with him. He'll say something like "Wanna warm me up?" and make a suggestive face and it'll be awkward and ugh. So, I don't answer.

Argh, but he sounds so pitiful!

And, really, there wouldn't be any harm in me warming him up, as long as nothing of a sexual nature is involved. Right? It's not cheating. I'm... helping a friend in need. There. That's what Sasuke wanted us to be. Friends. He's getting what he wanted.

"Alright, come here."

I bring down my fortress and shove the pillows aside. Sasuke trembles his way across the mattress and curls up around me, surrounding me with his arms.. I make sure the blanket covers him from ear to toes and wrap an arm around his midriff. I even go as far as entwining one of my legs with his. His feet and fingers are cold as ice and his trembling makes my own body shake. I run a hand up and down his back to soothe him. My mom told me once that when you're cold, what makes you shake is the contraction of your muscles caused by the cold. The best way to get warmer is to calm down. He tightens his hold on me and I feel his deep exhalations against my hair.

Soon enough, I start feeling sleepy. I can tell Sasuke's already asleep because he's stopped shaking and his breathing has slowed down. I'm only lazily grazing his back with my fingers, now, and I can't help but think that this position feels really natural. I feel so comfortable, so safe. I close my eyes and let myself be rocked to sleep by his breathing.

. . .

Sasuke's hands. Around me, on me, holding me.

Warm. Soothing. Safe.

Oh, that's a first. His lips. On my forehead, my cheeks, my neck. I try to get him to kiss me, but then I remember I don't have a physical representation and it would be silly for him to kiss a big pile of nothing.

His hands are getting adventurous. So are his lips. Going down, down, down.

Oh God!

. . .

I sling my bag over my shoulder. I got up earlier than usual, this morning. After waking up from my dream, I felt dirty and wrong, sleeping next to Sasuke – well... more like in his arms, but for my sanity's sake, let's pretend that wasn't where I was. I jumped out of bed and decided to start my day early to avoid talking to him when he wakes up. It's Saturday and I don't really have anything to do besides going home to have my birthday dinner with my parents.

In the hall, I meet Temari who's coming back from a run (because she runs, apparently). She nods her head at me as she pulls a leg up to untie her shoe. I walk up to her and think of only one thing to say.

"There's a guy sleeping in my room." She sends me a weird look.

"Like, a hobo?"

"Oh, no, don't worry, I know him."

"You know a hobo?"

"What? No! He's not..." My God, I've lost all powers of speech. "Just don't freak out if a man comes out of my room."

"Oh." She doesn't seem reassured at all. "Okay. Thanks."

I walk out as quickly as I can. You know, for flatmates who've been living under the same roof and attending the same classes, Temari and I are really awkward around each other. We don't really talk, which is a shame because I hear she's really creative when she needs to come up with scenarios. And she gets how to properly write scripts, which is a plus. Ino and I could've really used her help, because our asswipe of a script barely got the "okay" from the Video Creation teacher, which we need to get before we can start on the rest of the superfun paperwork.

I get to school and try to figure what I can do with my day until it's time to take the bus to my parents' place. I could go work on the movie, but the editing room has probably already been reserved. I could get started on an English essay I know I'll have to write towards the end of the semester (it's written in the course plan). I could... walk around and try to find secret passageways. I could go get a workout in, but that's not something I usually do, due to my complete lack of physical aptitude, and anyway, I don't have my gym clothes with me.

I could go read comics in the library, or even better yet, unofficial biographies of my favourite cinema-related people. I could ask if there's a camera in and take it out to film my day. I've been thinking about starting a vlog. But then again, I don't think my life's that interesting. Maybe one day, when something substantial actually happens to me.

"Sakura!"

I whip my head around, recognizing Sai's voice. He's approaching me with his smile (and no shirt), he pants full of paint. I smile back.

"What are you doing here?" I ask.

"I still have work to do. This piece is killing me," he answers, arriving to where I am and taking my hands in his. "How are you?"

Oh, I'm fine, you know, besides the fact that my ex-fuck-buddy that I haven't seen in over a month stayed at my place last night and is currently sleeping in my bed. Did I mention that he went MIA over a month ago and failed to contact me for whatever reason, then reappeared out of fucking nowhere, nearly frozen to death and completely unwilling to tell me where he's been all this time. Ah, but wait, I can't tell you that because then I'd have to explain the existence of a fuck-buddy of mine and the reason why his disappearance and reappearance upsets me so much, which is not something I understand myself, so better luck next time.

"I'm good, I'm good," I simply answer.

"Good," he says, then leans down and gives me a kiss. I wish it could've lasted longer than it did, because kissing him feels incredible, but what he gave me was good. It brings a giddy smile to my face. Even the faint smell of weed doesn't dampen my giddiness. "Are you free, right now?" He asks, still holding my hands.

"Until four, I am." Hell yeah, I get to spend the day with my-

"Awesome. Come on."

... boyfriend.

Excuse me while I squeal.

. . .

I manage to make it back to my apartment on time, still coming down. The fumes are slowly dissipating from my brain, but I know that I'll have to make sure I'm in full control of my actions before I leave for my parents' house. I stumble into the wall, kind of giggly, and stop dead in my tracks when I see who's sitting at my kitchen table.

Oh. Right.

Sasuke's still here.

I frown at him and walk straight to my room, then slam the door behind me. I have to let him know that I'm displeased with his presence here. I strip down to my underwear and plop down on my bed. I've discovered that walking around in my underwear, with my hair brush against my back all the way down to my waist is a truly enjoyable thing to do when I'm baked. I slump forward, for the ultimate hair-against-back experience and barely register Sasuke walking in.

I groan when he sits down next to me and grips my head to make me look at him. He scrutinizes my eyeballs and I just know what's happening in his head. He presses two fingers to my throat, where my pulse in palpable and it's clear that he's figured it out. His serious expression is hilarious, so I laugh. But not for long. After the first three seconds, it's not funny anymore.

"Right. You're going to bed," he says, pushing me down towards the mattress. I try to shove him off me, in vain.

"No, I'm going to see my parents," I manage to articulate.

"Not like that, you're not," he says in the most annoying, parent-like tone ever.

"Let me go!" I struggle in his arms. "You're in my house, young man, you do as I say!" Oh God, I sound so old. Sasuke snorts.

"Like hell I am. Come on." He pulls me to my feet. "I've changed my mind."

He has to carry me to the bathroom – over his shoulder, which is really uncomfortable – and undress me himself to get me in the shower. A cold one, I might add. I stand there screaming for a few seconds until he steps in with me, completely naked as well.

"What the fuck are you doing!?" I yell.

"Relax. I'm just helping." He pushes me backwards under the stream. "Besides, it's too cold."

For the most part, he hands me things, like my soap bottle or a face cloth, but eventually, he's the one to lather my hair with shampoo, which he's done before. My back faces him and I fix the wall pointedly, getting warmer by the second, despite the cold water. I know I shouldn't be reacting to him, but despite the resentment I feel towards him, I can't deny that he's freakin' sexy. Like yesterday, I don't look anywhere below his chest, but in my woozy state – although I'm definitely clearing up – it gets really difficult not to give in and look down.

I feel a little sad. Mostly for him, because he doesn't know about Sai yet. He probably thinks I'll take him back in (in more ways than one) and I'm not really sure how to break the news of my spanking new relationship to him in a delicate way. And the way his hands move against my scalp makes me want to throw it all away and jump his bones. For old times' sake, of course.

But I can't.

"I have a boyfriend," I say, hearing the resignation in my own voice. There's silence behind me for a while, but his hands don't stop moving. I let him keep going, waiting for an answer, starting to shiver under the cold water.

"So you do," he finally answers.

What!? What kind of reaction is that? He's naked in a shower with me, naked as well, lathering shampoo in my hair, and he's not even a little bit peeved that I'm unavailable? I'm offended.

"That's it?" I ask.

"What's it?" Oh, right, fake being oblivious. I totally believe it.

"You're not jealous?"

"No, of course not."

"Why not?"

"Why would I be?"

"Well-..."

"Do you want me to be?"

"No, I-" I sigh and frown. "Nevermind."

"Rinse," he says.

I turn around, my arms covering my chest, and tilt my head back under the stream to rinse off the shampoo. I know it's silly to hide myself, considering I've gone way beyond that step with Sasuke, but I don't want him to think I'm trying to tempt him. Eventually, though, I do need to use my hands to get all the soap out, but he doesn't say anything. I keep my eyes closed to stop myself from checking if he's looking at me. When I'm done, I turn around again and he starts rubbing conditioner into my hair.

"There's no need for me to be jealous," he says after a while. I stay quiet, letting him massage my scalp again. I only answer when I'm back to rinsing.

"Why?" I ask.

"Because I know you'll come back to me," he says, and I catch the smug smirk on his face.

"You shouldn't presume of such things," I say, glaring.

"I'm not presuming. It's a fact." I want to smack that smirk off of his face. "Eventually, you're going to have sex with him and realise that no matter how good in bed he is, I'm better. And when that happens, you'll come back running." He grabs my hips and pulls me flush against him. I let out a yelp.

"What are you doing!?" I sound offended, but as soon as my pelvis came in contact with his, all my senses ignited. His have ignited a while ago, obviously, because I can feel him already hard against my lower abdomen. I shove him away. "Don't do that again," I say, hoping I sound authoritarian, but I know that my voice is shaking.

Instead, I stumble out of the shower, wrap myself in a towel and stomp back to my room. My head is ten times clearer than it was before my shower and I start getting dressed to go to my parents' house. I pitifully braid my wet hair and slip into semi-fancy clothes. Sasuke only walks in once I'm completely dressed, either by good timing or by being considerate, and sits on my bed. I look at him as I pin earrings on and give a sigh.

"Sasuke, why are you here?" I ask, exasperated and dying to know.

"Well, I just had a shower, so-"

"I mean here in my apartment. Don't you have a mansion to go home to?"

He doesn't reply. In fact, he looks like he's ignoring me. I roll my eyes and step into my snow boots. There's no more snow outside, but a visit at my parents' doesn't really necessitate dressy shoes. I'll be walking around in my socks anyway. I put on my coat and pick up my beanie. I make sure my I.D., bus card and debit card are in my pants' pocket and walk to the doorframe of my room.

"If you're still here when I get back, you'll have to tell me what's up with you. If I'm to let you stay, I should at least no why." He doesn't move or say anything. I sigh again. "Whatever. I'm going," I say, stomping out.

. . .

When I get back home, Sasuke is indeed still in my apartment. He's sleeping on my bed, wrapped up in my covers; he looks absolutely adorable. I set my bag of presents on the ground, take off my coat and boots and get to changing into my pyjamas.

The dinner at my parents' house was pleasant. I got great presents, the food was delicious and I hadn't seen my parents in forever, so it felt good to talk to them for a while. We did what we usually do: eat, talk, joke about the silly things I did as a kid, put on music and sing and dance terribly. My parents have great taste in music, and they've passed it on to me, but none of us can hold a note to save our lives. It's ridiculous. And then we laugh at ourselves and have a jolly time.

I dreaded the time to go back, but the prospect of seeing Sai tomorrow night motivated me to embark on the bus ride back to my apartment. And now, here I am. I slip into bed next to Sasuke. Thankfully, he's not cold tonight, so I don't need to hold onto him. However, as soon as I'm in a comfortable position, I hear his voice.

"I had a fight with my father," he says, sounding completely awake. I don't know what to answer, so I let him continue. "Long story short, he wants me to work in the police force like him and I don't."

"Is that what I heard on the phone?"

"When?"

"The last time we spoke before you vanished from the surface of the earth."

"Oh... Yeah," he sighs. "And apparently, to him, that's a good reason to kick me out."

"He kicked you out!?"

"Yeah. Disowned me, too."

"Sasuke..."

"What?"

"There's something you're not telling me." He sighs again and hesitates before replying.

"I... I told him I didn't want to study in Administration anymore, either."

"Aaaand?"

"And... I said one or two colourful things about him and the family."

"Oh, Sasuke!"

"He said 'Fine! If you hate this family so much, I don't see why you should stay in it.' The next day, all my credit cards were blocked and my dad had my car towed to a hangar somewhere."

"And where have you been staying up until now?"

"The first few weeks, at Naruto's. I'm surprised he didn't tell you."

"I didn't see him much."

"After that, I did a week at Nara's. And this week, I've been sleeping in the bus station. Eventually, I got busted by the night guard, so I had to leave... And now, here I am."

I stay silent for a while. The story sounds ridiculous, but at the same time, he does look tired and hungry and permanently sick. And I didn't even feed him! Oh God, I'm a terrible person. I roll over to face him, but his back is still turned to me. I scoot over to him and sling an arm around his waist.

"Can I stay here?" He asks, sounding more miserable and lonely than ever. "For a little while. I'll find a way to pay rent." I give him a slight squeeze.

"Yeah," I say. "But we're gonna have to get you your own mattress."

. . .

"Welcome," Sai says, leading me through his front door.

I'm much more excited about being here than I thought I would be. Mostly because I'm anticipating what's coming, but also because it's the first time I'm in my boyfriend's place of residence without also being in the presence of his parents. Even if nothing below the waist happens, we can still be cute and cuddly and not be snickered at. Idate's parents were unbearable. If we made the mistake of even just glancing at each other during dinner, someone inevitably exclaimed: "Aaaw, look at the two lovebirds! Aren't they just adorable together?" Not that I minded being called out on the cuteness of my couple, especially at that time in history when I didn't know or even suspect that I was being cheated on, but I don't fare well in the spotlight and it made me avoid eye contact with him for hours on end, which really gets uncomfortable after a while.

Here, Sai and I have peace and quiet. No one to comment, no one to sigh wistfully, no one to let out an immature snicker. I smile at him and he smiles right back, then leans down and kisses me and it feels like magic. Butterflies, shooting stars, fireworks. I slide my arms around his neck and pull him closer to me. He heaves me up and when my feet leave the ground, I squeal against his lips. He unbuttons my coat and pulls it off my shoulders, then lets it flop to the floor and gets started on his own coat. I pull away from his mouth and bend down to take off my snow boots.

Oh, look, my hands are shaking. Sai squats to untie his own boots and I notice that his hands are shaking too. Apparently, he's just as nervous as I am. I know he said he didn't want to have sex with me until we were in love and I know that I might be rushing into this a little, but he's been so great to me that I can't make him wait any longer. I know he loves me and even if it's wrong of me to make him believe that I love him too just to get some, I can tell that it won't take me long to get to his level of affection. Who knows? Maybe having sex with him is the last step to take.

He takes my hands in his, smiles his lovely smile again and pulls me to his room. I can't look away from his eyes. So calm, so soft, so reassuring. He seems to want to be in control and I let him. Everything is slow, deliberate, almost calculated. He kisses me softly at first, then as his hands travel up my shirt – whoa, already? – he grows more passionate.

He brings me over to his bed, where we lie down facing each other, and we pick up from where we left off. His hands roam my body, and besides some clumsy groping – probably caused by nervousness – I find myself feeling warmer by the second.

I try to take over, make it more intense, but he pulls away from my mouth and says "No. Tonight, we go slow." His words make my heart melt until I get a flash of Sasuke, that first (well, technically second) night back in January, when he kept me from going down on him by pulling me up and simply shaking his head.

Damnit.

I try shooing away the mental image by attacking Sai's mouth and rubbing myself against him, but he pulls away again and says "Sakura. Slow." And suddenly, I realise that he's going too slow. Way too slow and it's getting awkward. So I push him down on the mattress and climb on top of him. I keep seeing Sasuke in my head and I need to get him out. I grind my pelvis against Sai's once, trying to get a reaction from him. I yank my shirt off, take his hands, slap them in place on my hips and grind again. He was already hard when I sat on top of him, but it was nothing impressive and I notice no change from my actions.

I grip his shirt and pull him up so he can kiss me. He seems to get a little more responsive, so I keep going in that direction. I pull his shirt over his head, give his another searing kiss and shove him back down on the mattress. I reach behind my back to unclasp my bra, but he catches my arm.

"Sakura," he says more firmly.

And now, I feel stupid. This is our first time together. It's supposed to be special. He probably just wants to make it really romantic and here I am, going about it like it's a one night stand. I'm a terrible girlfriend. I'm just about to climb off of him when he raises a hand to my face and strokes my cheek.

"Don't try so hard," he says. "I just want you to enjoy this."

Then he smiles and I melt again. He pulls my head down to his and kisses me softly. I don't think I mind him being slow anymore. A bit awkwardly but still effectively, he manages to flip us over and take back control. He holds my head, kisses every inch of my face and my neck. His breath is warm and soothing against my skin. He makes me forget where we are and lose the notion of time.

Clothes are removed, skin is grazed, lips are pressed against lips and hands are running free. Sai is still a bit too slow, but I reckon it's because I'm so used to getting it rough and torrid from Sasuke (and forceful and hurried from every other guy I've slept with) that I mind. But I don't let it get to me. It can only get better. And if he wants, I could teach him to do better next time.

Whoa.

Whoa!

Why is he already going in? I'm nowhere near ready to take–

Oh.

Oh, God.

Okay, Sakura, stay calm. Just go with it.

It's fine, it's okay.

Oh my God, it is not okay!

How can it be so small? How could I have not noticed?

He's trying to compensate with his hands, and it's kind of working, but I know I'll have to fake it. And I'm not sure how well I can fake it. Other guys were either too drunk to care or Sasuke, and Sasuke, well...

Is... Is he...?

Is he squeaking?

OH MY GOD, HE IS.

I try to make my moans convincing, but I've completely lost the feeling. Without pleasure, I find myself focussing on things I never noticed before about sex. Copulating bodies get wet and gross and the sound of bare skin slapping bare skin is kind of weirdly repulsive in the dead silence of the apartment that's otherwise only broken by the creaking of the bed. Yeah, because he has a creaky bed.

It's now too warm. Sai's squeaking is just annoying and the inevitable bouncing of my breasts from Sai's movements is getting uncomfortable. Our position feels awkward and I find myself looking forward to a shower. His eyes are closed and he seems to be having the time of his life, completely oblivious to my lack of reciprocation, and I turn my head to find another focal point. My eyes fall on the condom wrapper, ripped open and lying next to my head.

It's kind of sad that this little square of plastic is the only good thing about this anymore. Sai's thrusts become erratic, he lets out this great, big, high-pitched noise and then I guess it's over. He slumps down onto me, panting, and I pretend to be extenuated as well. He raises his head and smiles tiredly at me. His smile is still as lovely as before, which is a relief, but now I don't have the heart to tell him how terrible that was. So I just smile back and hope my disappointment doesn't show on my face.

Actually, disappointment wouldn't be so bad compared to the blood-curling dread that's slowly overtaking me. There's only one thought in my brain and it's that Sasuke was right. He didn't predict this exactly, but there's no way I can deny that he's better in bed than Sai.

He can't know. Neither of them can know. And I can't let this get to my head. So Sai sucks in bed. So what? Sasuke sucks at relationships and Sai's a champion in that department. A good relationship is way more important than good sex. Right? A-and it's not like it's a deal-breaker. I can teach Sai. Train him to become better. And then, Sasuke won't have anything on him. Yeah. That's what I'll do. And I can't give in to Sasuke.

Sasuke, who's living in my room, sleeping in my bed and sharing a common history of beneficial friendship with me.

Oh God.

Oh, sweet Jesus, have mercy upon my soul.

Okay. No. Things are okay. Things are great. And if they're not, they're going to be. Right?

"I love you."

I have to leave.

. . .

The cold wind bites the skin of my cheeks and seeps through my snow coat despite it being made for this kind of weather. My boots weight me down as heavily as two dead bodies and I can feel the dark circles under my eyes getting deeper by the second. My eyelashes are heavy with teardrops frozen solid by the wind and I'm too cold and tired to keep crying. I waited until Sai fell asleep, which took about as long as it took him to come – okay, that was mean – and ran out, not even bothering to think of a bullshit excuse to tell him tomorrow.

Overall, I didn't even stay an entire hour at his place.

But that's not what gets me the most. It's that I'll have to confront Sasuke and explain why I'm back so soon. And he'll know. I know he'll know. It'll be too obvious. You don't rush back from your boyfriend's place in the middle of a snowstorm at ten-thirty at night because you've just had the greatest sex in the world. Just for that, I should've stayed.

In retrospect, it was kind of stupid of me to leave, but... I got spooked. Yes, like Tom Cruise in Cocktail. Sai telling me that he loves me scared me, because I know that I'm not there yet, especially after tonight, and I really don't want to play him. Even though that's kind of what I did. I didn't explicitly make him believe that I'm in love with him, but it was implied and I did it on purpose. I did it to get some and, okay, maybe to prove Sasuke wrong, too.

Boy, did that backfire.

Really, I shouldn't have left. It looks (and feels) like I'm running right back into Sasuke's arms, like I'm two-timing, and I don't think I could ever live with myself if that were true. If Sai were to find out, he'd hate me. Any explanation I'd try to give him would be futile and I know for a fact that Sasuke's not going to help. He'd rather watch my love life go up in flames so I'll need him again. He'd like that too much.

But I've passed the halfway point back to my place, and I know it's too late to go back to Sai. In any case, he's sleeping, now, so even if I were to go back now, it wouldn't be some big reunion scene like in TV dramas where the girl comes back to the guy's place, apologizes for getting spooked and says that she's ready to make it work.

(Except that usually, the genders are flipped, but I digress.)

Besides, that's my apartment Sasuke's staying in; if he gets on my nerves, I can just kick him out. Really, he was the one who put a stop to whatever we were doing, two months ago, so he has no right to demand anything from me. I don't owe him any favours and even if I did, he doesn't deserve anything from me, right now. Despite the fact that he's now homeless.

And poor.

And disavowed.

And he's been kicked out of Naruto's and another of his friends' place, so I'm basically the only thing he has left.

Oh God, I can't kick him out.

I stumble my way to my front door, pull out my key and try to get it in the keyhole before I die of hypothermia. Apparently, nobody's home again because the carport light isn't on, and it's impeding the visibility around the door. I finally get the key in and turn the lock, grateful to feel the warmth of the entrance hall wash over me when I swing the door open.

I shrug out of my coat and toe my boots off, then walk to my room. Sasuke's there, of course, sleeping on my bed very close to the edge, and all the lights are off except the lamp on my bedside table. The book I'm reading lies open, pages down, on the floor and I can only assume that he's been reading it and dropped it when he fell asleep. I tiptoe over to him, careful not to make any sound.

I pick up the book, set it on my bedside table and sit on the floor, at eye level with Sasuke. There's this peculiar thing about him. It's only when you see him sleeping that you realise how tense his face is when he's awake. Like it pains him to even have to face reality. He's not always frowning – although, I'll be honest, he is a hefty majority of the time – but he's always thinking, analysing, doubting. He has an innate talent for skepticism and it shows. But when he's sleeping, he looks like you could make him believe anything. Like he'd be naive and wide-eyed, almost. It's very endearing. I like him when he's sleeping.

Mostly because he's not speaking, but that's not the point.

I go to the kitchen. After a quick inspection, I realise that he hasn't eaten anything. There are no new dishes on the counter or in the sink and the scarce amount of food in the fridge and in the pantry seems untouched. I pull a frozen pizza out of the freezer and turn on the oven, then walk back into my room and sit back down in front of Sasuke. I brush a strand of hair out of his face.

"I'm not kicking you out," I whisper to him. I know he can't really hear me, but I still felt like saying it. Maybe because I know that if I said it while he was awake, he would've snickered and come up with a clever retort to make me feel silly and cheesy and unbelievably dumb for saying it. Like this, he can't ruin it.

I need a shower. Now that I'm back home, I feel dirty. I'm not actually cheating, but it sort of feels like it. Like leaving his place to come back to mine equals going back to sleeping around. Figuratively and literally, because back then, I'd rarely stay over at guys' places. Just like I did tonight; wait until they're asleep and fly.

The warm water barely does anything to make me feel better, except maybe take away the shivers I still have from walking outside for so long, but at least I smell good and I've washed off Sai's sweat, my tears and my makeup. My hair sticks to the skin of my back all the way down to my coccyx and it's the first time in a while that I realise how long it is. I haven't cut it since Idate and I first started out, and even then, it wasn't that short. However, he said he wanted to see me with long hair and I was too smitten to not do as he asked. I forgot about it over time.

Not that it bothers me, but... Maybe it'd be an appropriate way of letting go. As opposed to sleeping with every guy that looks my way. It'd be more symbolic than anything else, but maybe it would make things better. Shed the old skin, let go of the heartbreak and the thirst for revenge, all the guys I've slept with and almost slept with...

... Sasuke, too...

... Maybe not yet.

Besides, long hair looks good on me.

I turn the water off and step out of the tub. I dry myself quickly, slip my pyjamas on and braid my hair down my back. I walk back to my room, where Sasuke's still sleeping, but has turned around to face away from the edge of the bed.

I pull my book from the bedside table, climb into bed to sit against the wall and pick up from where I left off. I have to read it for my English class, but students were allowed to choose, so I decided to please myself and read A Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy because it's one of my dad's favourite books. I don't usually make choices based upon my parents' tastes – if I did, my love life wouldn't be the mess it currently is – but my dad has a track record of amazing pop-culture choices, so I figured I could trust him on this.

I'm not disappointed. Hitchhiker's Guide is hands down the funniest book I've ever read and I've heard that the movie adaptation isn't so bad either. Science fiction in the sixties and seventies was so incredibly different from nowadays' science fiction. It was so much more uplifting, happy and eager for the future. There were crazy inventions, wonders created, new worlds discovered and everything seemed to become more beautiful with time. These days, science fiction deals with post-apocalyptic accommodations, tyranny, mind control and/or zombies.

The future, as seen from the sixties and seventies' point of view was so bright and inviting. One day, I'll make a movie like that.

"Mhey."

I look up from my book. Sasuke's awake, his eyes still squinty and tired but entirely focussed on my face. He doesn't smile or frown or glare, and his face still retains that peaceful expression he bears when he sleeps. He raises a hand to rub his eyes and gives a great sigh.

"What time is it?" He asks in a sluggish tone.

"Eleven," I answer, awaiting the mockery.

"In the morning?" He raises his head, frowning in confusion at the window where, obviously, the sky is still dark.

"No. Eleven at night." Come on, just say it. The sooner you do, the sooner I'll start recovering.

"Of what day?" He rubs his eyes again.

"Oh my God, really?"

"Yeah."

"March twenty-eighth. Do you need the year, too?"

"No, I'm good." There's a silence, and by the look on his face, I know he's trying to work things out. I go back to my book to pretend I'm not waiting for him to figure it out, but I know it's not going to take him long.

"You left two hours ago." Aaaand there we go.

"I did." I have to keep my voice in check.

"But you said–"

"Yeah."

"And you were so excited, too."

"I know."

"And smug." I groan. Just get to the punchline, will you? "Did you fight?"

Did we... What!? That's not what he's supposed to ask. He's supposed to mock me, to mock Sai, to be a real prick about it and brag about his sexual prowess and how I can't resist him.

"N-no! We didn't," I squeak out.

"Then, what's wrong?"

I don't know what to say. It's like he's not the same person as before. It's like he cares. I mean, not that he didn't care before, but he wouldn't have reacted like this. Even his tone is different. Most of the time, he just sounded bored or smug. Now he just sounds genuinely concerned about my well-being. And I'm not really used to that, coming from him. I guess my confusion is showing on my face, because he explains his question.

"Your eyes are all red and puffy." I raise a hand to my face by reflex. "You've been crying."

"Since when are you observant?" Okay, too snappy, Sakura. He glares at me but otherwise ignores my question and I take it he's waiting for me to answer. "I..." I sigh. "Things didn't... go as planned." Yeah. Let's leave it at that. It vague and doesn't entail to anything. It doesn't specify what went down (and failed to get back up again) and there's no way Sasuke can guess–

"Was it that bad?"

...

HOW?

"Was what bad?" The key is to pretend I don't know what he's talking about. Who knows? Maybe he means something else.

"The sex." Of course he doesn't.

"What makes you think we had sex?" Hm, maybe not the best repartee I've ever come up with, but let's hope it works.

"Is that why you left? Because he wouldn't screw you?"

"Must you make it sound so vulgar?"

"We've done worse." I WILL SCRATCH HIS EYES OUT.

"What makes you think Sai and I didn't do even worse than that?" As soon as the words leave my mouth, I know I just shot myself in the foot.

"You said you didn't have sex." I stay silent. I don't know what I could possibly say to stay afloat, now. "So, you did, then."

I'm too embarrassed to say anything, so I just nod. I don't even make eye contact with him; I can just feel the smirk creeping up onto his face. He looks at me for a while, maybe waiting for me to say something. Or maybe just using the silence to make me feel more uncomfortable by the second.

"And it was terrible," he finally says. This time, I don't even nod. My cheeks are burning and I feel tears pooling in my eyes, but I think it's more out of humiliation than actual sadness. That's all the answer he needs, really, and he chuckles. "Look at that, I was right."

Oh my God, I hate him. He was never actually concerned about me; I bet he just wanted to get a confession about the sex out of me, just to make himself have more confidence in his own abilities. Actually, you know what? It's his fault. Hadn't he pursued me for casualness, I would've never known such good sex and I wouldn't have reacted so badly to Sai's... attempt. I also wouldn't be so frustrated right now and he wouldn't be laughing at me while squatting in my living space. He's taking complete advantage of the meaningless relationship we had and that pisses me off!

He turned away from me, so I hurl my book at his head and throw myself under the covers with a huff, my back to him. He chuckles again and slips under the covers too, I'm guessing still facing away from me. He turns off my bedside lamp and then, there's a silence. A really long, really heavy silence, and the darkness doesn't really help. That's when the tears come down again.

I left my boyfriend right after some really terrible sex just to get here, lying next to my ex-fuck-buddy, feeling like a complete whore and wishing I could somehow subtly take care of my still pending orgasm without his help. If Sai finds out, he might never want to see my face again, which means I'll have Sasuke sticking to my every move until I give in to him again and then I'll be really fucked.

"Hey, Sakura?"

"What!?" Leave me alone, I'm miserable.

"Happy birthday."

And now I'm wailing. I know he can hear me – as well as the entire neighbourhood – and that just makes me cry even harder. My pillow quickly gets soaked through and I'm soon in desperate need of tissues. I feel Sasuke shift behind me and then his arm snakes around my waist. I'm about to push him away and yell when he speaks again.

"This is friendly."

"Pff." It comes out really blubbery through my tears.

"Without benefits," he adds. " Just sleep."

There's another silence. Then...

"Sasuke?"

"Yeah?"

"You're a dick." He chuckles. I wait a little before saying something else. "But thank you."

. . .

A/N: Yep. He's back. And he's not going anywhere, anymore.

Every night I spend writing, I eventually look at the clock to realise it's 22:42. Goddamn, I chose that title well.