Chapter 14: Thick Skin, Elastic Heart

Blurb: Hi everyone. ((This blurb contains spoilers. Maybe read it after you read the chapter)). So I'm going to get right to the point here because I know some readers might be on the fence with this chapter. These are basically my thoughts on Ellen and the development that takes place with her character in this chapter. If you are at all annoyed with Ellen in this chapter (as many people in the fanbase were with Beth for her depression/suicidality), you better get over it really quickly. Let's be honest! Would any normal young woman, who suddenly found herself in an apocalyptic situation, feel prepared for it immediately? HECK NO. Ellen is a character that needs to develop and mature over time.

Also, Ellen isn't at the same stage Beth is in her depressed state when Dale dies. I'm sorry if this spoils something for you, but I feel that it is really important to address. Ellen is in a temporary state of shock and overwhelming acute depression. Depression does not equal suicidal. Ellen just doesn't know how to deal with the darkness in the world, as she now sees it. That's why she retreats into herself and becomes numb for a brief period of time.

I write stories that I would like to read. I love characters that develop over time, plot lines that have continued conflict and resolution, and main characters that are part of the conflict. Ellen is a character who is in constant conflict with herself. And that makes it really fun to write about her.

So, if you have any complaints:

GET OUTTA TOWN.

PS: The next chapter should have more action. :)

~ This chapter is titled after the song Elastic Heart by Sia ft. The Weekend and Diplo (from the Catching Fire Soundtrack). ~

The first thing Ellen noticed when she opened her eyes was Dale's expression. His face maintained some of its former pain, but the eyes were glassy. They stared up at Daryl without really seeing anyone at all. It was the glazed expression that sent Ellen over the edge. It was like she had been faltering on the edge of a chasm, between complete despair and strength. Now the despair took her.

Tears blurred Ellen's vision so she almost couldn't make out Daryl's figure. Daryl was reaching out to Dale, brushing his hand over Dale's eyes so the glazed look would pass. The gesture was kind…. so very kind, for the man who had just ended Dale's life. But that had also been a mercy.

Ellen became aware of the limp hand she held between her own fingers, and the warmth that was slowly leaving them. Dale's hands felt different now that life no longer resided in them.

Ellen's hands began to tremble uncontrollably as she lightly clutched to Dale's lifeless limb. The tears were spilling over and running down her cheeks. She gasped for air as the grief consumed her actions.

Ellen was briefly aware of Andrea sitting near her. Andrea was wailing loudly between protesting cries. But Ellen was too consumed in her own heartache to acknowledge her.

Ellen heard Shane mutter something to Rick, "She can't do this out here, Rick. She'll bring more o' them walkers crawlin'. We gotta move."

Rick must have given his consent because Shane was on Andrea in the next moment. He approached her more softly than Ellen had expected, speaking in quiet tones about how she needed to be quiet while they weren't under cover. He encouraged her to get on her feet and walk away from Dale's body with him. Andrea was hesitant to do so, but Shane convinced her eventually. She had quieted by the time Shane moved her.

Now only Ellen and Daryl crouched near Dale's body. Daryl continued to look down on the man like he was a fallen brother. Whereas, Ellen was in a daze. Her limbs continued to shake- both her arms in front of her, and her legs beneath her. She tried to break herself of the spell, letting Dale's unresponsive hand drop from her own. But her hands kept shaking.

Rick must have noticed Ellen's dilemma, because he walked around the scene to reach Ellen. He immediately pulled her hands away from Dale's body. He then forced her to focus her attention solely on him, "Ellen, look at me. You're going to get up now, ok? Stand up with me. Here we go, come on."

Ellen nodded weakly in acknowledgement of Rick's direction. She tried to do as he asked, pushing herself upwards with what strength her shaking legs would offer. Rick helped her balance, realizing her equilibrium had practically left her with the shock of losing Dale.

This was the first moment Ellen had really witnessed death in this world first hand. She had seen the events with Sophia unfold. But this was so much more personal to her. Dale was part of their life on the farm. Ellen had never met Sophia. It was never quite so real to her…. until now.

Carol made her way over from the other side of the group. She traded roles with Rick, offering Ellen the support she needed in that moment. Rick was free to stand tall and address the group, "We'll have to move him. Shane, Daryl, T-Dog, stay with me. The rest of you should head back to the house. Including you, Glenn. We need someone down at the house… and it's dark- we'll be safer if we stick close."

Daryl rose to his feet when he heard his name, recognizing he had another role to perform for the group. ….as if he hadn't done enough for them already…

Ellen kept her eyes trained on the ground in front of her feet. But the problem with this was: Dale remained there... along with the blood-soaked flannel shirt Ellen had used earlier. She tried to harden herself to the sight- keeping her tears at bay, and holding her breath to stop the short, gasping cries.

So this is what the world is like now? It will take us out, one by one.

Rick looked to Lori then, "Take them back to the house. We'll be there soon."

Lori nodded in acknowledgement, and started corralling the rest of the group. Carol nudged Ellen around the men- who were about to move Dale's body. Ellen couldn't bring herself to look up at Daryl when she passed. She continued to look down at the grass, only managing to catch a glimpse of his boots as she and Carol stumbled by in tandem. Ellen's legs were still shaking, and she felt very weak. She was grateful for Carol's willingness to offer her support.

Back at the house, Ellen was sitting on a wooden chair in the dining room. Her hands and arms were covered in blood. And her clothes had also been stained while trying to stop Dale's bleeding. It was mostly dried now, but Ellen was too numb to do anything about her appearance. She simply sat in the chair, watching as people passed in and out of the room. She sat there for a while, simply waiting for either the grief to consume her or to pass completely.

Carol came to Ellen with a bowl of water and a washcloth. She encouraged Ellen to clean herself up, but Ellen was mostly unresponsive. She didn't want to put her grief in the past yet. She wanted to dwell in it.

Understanding Ellen's emotions at that moment, Carol took on the role of caregiver. She took the washcloth and doused it in clean water, promptly wringing it out and placing it on Ellen's skin. The cool water shocked Ellen at first, but she watched without argument as Carol scrubbed the blood from her left arm.

The men came in then. Ellen managed to briefly shake herself from her trance and look up at the approaching party. She almost expected Dale to come walking in with them, eager and bright…

But nothing like that would happen again.

Ellen immediately noticed that some of the men who hadn't been near blood at all before, now had prominent bloodstains on their clothes. It must have been a difficult move. The thought depressed Ellen even more, and she shrank into herself.

Carol noticed the rest of the group had returned, and she made eye contact with Daryl immediately. Curious, Daryl looked at Carol like she had no business with him whatsoever. But she persisted, and made a motion with her head meaning: 'get over here'.

Daryl hesitated to approach the two women, but he was at Ellen's side in less than a minute. Carol reached out to pull a chair out for him, and he accepted it slowly.

Ellen still felt as numb and lifeless as Dale was now. The emotion had overtaken her, and she didn't know how to crawl out of it. She didn't make eye contact with Daryl when he sat down.

Daryl sent a questioning look towards Carol, who merely raised her eyebrows at him in encouragement. She continued to scrub the blood from Ellen's hands. Ellen focused her attention on the blood…. So much blood…

Daryl studied Ellen for a minute before he seemed to piece together the gravity of her lifeless state. Then, he did what neither woman expected. Daryl instructed Carol, "Stop helping her, Carol. Girl's gotta wake up at some point."

Carol looked stricken. She had expected Daryl to help Ellen come out of this sudden depression, but certainly not like this. Carol protested the submission of her motherly role, "But we can't leave her like this."

Daryl focused his stern gaze on Ellen, "I'll take care of it."

Carol hesitated, but eventually placed the washcloth down on the table in submission.

Daryl took control of the situation then, moving Ellen's chair so it faced his. Ellen hardly responded. She was confused, but only vaguely aware of Daryl in that moment. The emotional pain was all consuming at that point, and it was all she could really focus on.

Daryl continued his assault, choosing to use words as his first form of attack, "Ellen, you gotta stop this. It is not ok to retreat into yerself' like this! YES, Dale is DEAD! But you AIN'T, you understand me?"

Whatever spark of life Daryl might have seen in Ellen's eyes vanished as soon as he declared Dale's death. Daryl didn't miss this, and he reacted immediately. He put his hand under Ellen's chin and pulled her face toward him slightly. Startled, Ellen looked up at Daryl then. Realizing he had her attention, Daryl continued, "Stop it, ya hear me? One person may be gone, Ellen. But there are people here- ALIVE- who need you. You have to be strong for them."

Ellen maintained eye contact with Daryl, but she didn't respond. She just watched him as he pleaded with her to break free. When Ellen never responded, Daryl grew more frustrated. He suddenly hit the wooden table with his fist roughly, letting free some of his frustration.

The sound made Ellen jump, and her eyes wandered around the room frantically. She was halfway between a dream and the reality Daryl needed her to dwell in.

Realizing he hadn't fully succeeded yet, Daryl decided he had to get Ellen moving. So he instructed her with minimal tension, "Let's walk, girl. No more a' this."

Ellen obeyed immediately, which was a good sign. At least she was listening.

On her feet now, Daryl noticed Ellen was still a bit shaky in her gait. So, as soon as they had made their way out of the dining room, Daryl instructed her to stop at the kitchen counter. Ellen reached a hand out for the counter. The cool tile met her warm hands and sent a shock of electricity through her limbs.

They were alone in the kitchen, and Daryl felt his next best option was to share his own experiences with her. So, Daryl started to tell her about his family, "Ya know I got a brother, Ellen?"

Interest piqued, Ellen offered Daryl a weak shake of her head.

Glad to have her more responsive, Daryl continued, "Well, I did… or- well, I don't know if I still do, to be honest. Ya see, Rick came across some of the others while they were on a run in Atlanta. This was before Rick had joined our group…. I was off hunt'n…. didn't go with him to the city. If I had, well…. Anyway, Rick ended up handcuffin' my brother to a roof. He was cause'n problems for them and Rick wasn't have'n it. We went back a few days later…. Ya know, just to see if he was still there. I wanted to help him."

Ellen was watching Daryl now. He had never been this open with her before.

Daryl continued, "Bastard sawed his own hand off to escaped the cuffs! He escaped… so now we ain't got no idea where he's at, or if he's even alive."

Realizing that he had Ellen's full attention, Daryl moved on to the problem at hand, "Ya see, Peaches. This world'll chew you up 'nd spit you out if you let it. You gotta enjoy the people around you while they're here, because it won't last. And you have to move on when they're gone. Because they wouldn't want ya to risk yerself' for them- not when they're gone. Dale would want you to be strong. That is the best way you can honor him. Sitting in this house like a ghost is a disservice to him, and to you."

When Daryl finished, he noticed Ellen's eyes were brimming with tears. Concerned, Daryl grew a bit panicked, "Yer' supposed to stop that!"

Ellen let a small laugh escape her lips as she wiped a few tears from her eyes, "I'm sorry. I'm just- I'm so sorry… Daryl, I'm sorry. Thank you."

Her tears continued to flow as she struggled to find the words to describe her feelings in that moment. Feeling uncomfortable, Daryl leaned against the kitchen counter and crossed his arms nonchalantly, "It ain't nothin'."

TWDTWDTWDTWDTWDTWDTWDTWDTWDTWDTWDTWD

Dale was buried under the shade of the big oak, near Otis and Sophia. They held a funeral service for him. The whole group gathered to hear Rick speak about all the good things they should remember about Dale. Rick also talked about how the best way to honor Dale, now that he was gone, was to pull together and choose not be broken. They had to prove Dale wrong. They hadn't lost their humanity. They weren't broken.

After the service, Rick pulled a few of the offensive members of the group to the side. This mainly consisted of Shane, Daryl, T-Dog, and Andrea. Rick began discussing the safety of the farm's perimeter since Dale's death. Ellen overheard him speaking as she began making her way toward the house. She turned to look over curiously at the group as they huddled together.

Rick then decided he would send a group out to check the perimeter of the farm. He wanted to make sure the fences were intact and no more walkers were within the farm's borders.

Realizing Rick was sending them out, Ellen stopped in her tracks. She didn't move from her position in the field, she just turned to face Rick's group. And then she patiently waited to be acknowledged.

Rick noticed Ellen hadn't gone to camp with the others. He motioned her forward and asked, "You interested in this, Ellen?"

Ellen approached with more confidence when Rick didn't turn her away, "I should be out there too."

Rick shifted his gaze immediately to Daryl, as if asking his permission. Daryl looked frustrated, and pursed his lips. But he didn't argue. He just let out a long breath, and nodded shortly.

With Daryl's approval, Rick sent a small smile back to Ellen, "Looks like you're on your way out there."

Ellen smiled in return, encouraged by his enthusiasm. But Daryl remained serious, "I want you within ten feet o' me at all times."

"Ok." Ellen replied. She still felt a little uncomfortable with Daryl. They hadn't spoken much since Dale's death- apart from their conversation in the kitchen. Everything happened so fast. Ellen had gone to a very dark place. She'd never realized this new world could affect her so traumatically. Her recent emotional journey gave her a new understanding for Beth's lost hope.

Rick discussed a few extra details about the property and landscape they needed to cover before dismissing the group. Once Rick left them, Ellen was free to follow the group back to the camp area where they kept the vehicles.

"We'll take the truck. That way we save gas taking one car, " Shane suggested.

"It'll be easier to jump out 'the back," Daryl built on the idea.

T-Dog nodded in acknowledgement as he veered off away from the group, "I'm going to look for some tools. Just incase we run across a fence that needs repair'n."

"I'll come with you! We need more weapons anyway," Andrea offered.

Ellen continued to follow closely behind Daryl and Shane. It was strange for her to watch the two men peacefully walk almost shoulder to shoulder. Perhaps they were taking Rick's words to heart? They weren't broken after all…

Ellen thought her optimism was naïve at best. Daryl and Shane would never be friends. But they could work together to achieve a common goal- protecting the farm.

Ellen continued to follow as they passed the camp and finally reached the vehicles. As soon as they made their way to the blue Ford pick up, Ellen shuffled past the men to rifle through the glove compartment. Inside was one of the maps of the property they had been using. Ellen pulled out the map and held it up for Daryl to see, "Map," was all she said in explanation.

Daryl nodded and reached out for the map, gently taking it from Ellen's hands. He opened it on the hood of the truck and studied it briefly.

Shane, who had been leaning against the trunk bed with little interest, made his way over to Daryl and the map. They looked it over in silence for a while, neither man willing to break the layer of tension that hung in the atmosphere.

Finally, Andrea and T-Dog returned to the group with tools and extra weapons. T-Dog packed the tools in the passenger seat and Andrea piled a few extra weapons in the trunk. When they finished packing the extra equipment, Andrea broke the men's silence, "Where are we headed to first? Come up with a strategy yet?"

Ellen watched the two men with interest. Daryl looked to Shane, who didn't look back at him for approval. It seemed Shane remained hell bent on being in charge. Shane spoke up, "We should take this route over here first." He pointed towards the end of the property where Dale was killed. "We need to make sure that area's sealed off."

Daryl didn't seem to mind they would be starting in that area, so he kept quiet. The rest of the group agreed as well.

The way Ellen saw it, it didn't really matter where they started. As long as they covered the entire perimeter and came back safely, nothing else mattered.

"Alright, lets load up. I'm drivin'," Shane called out.

Shane immediately got in the drivers side, while Andrea made for the passengers seat. That left nothing but the trunk bed.

Daryl made his way around the truck and put one boot on the back wheel, lifting his other leg over the side of the truck so he could stand in the back trunk. Once he hand climbed in, he unlatched the back door of the trunk for T-Dog to climb in.

Ellen decided she didn't want to get in the trunk the easy way. She wanted to be taken seriously on this trip. So, instead of walking to the back of the truck and using the advantage of the unlatched door to get in the metal trunk bed, Ellen decided to follow after Daryl's example. She placed her left foot on top of the truck's back wheel, and raised herself up. Then, she swung her right leg over the side of the truck as Daryl had before her. But as her left leg was following after her, over the side of the trunk bed, her boot was briefly caught. Freeing herself quickly, Ellen was able to regain her balance and finally stand tall in the trunk bed.

Having witnessed Ellen's brief fumble across the truck, Daryl wasn't sure whether or not it was appropriate to see humor in her actions. Ellen was in desperate need of…. Well, a whole lot. She needed more exposure to the walkers. She needed to gain more confidence in herself. She needed to be stronger. And right now she was just… like a girl from the past. She was almost utterly untouched by this world in so many ways. It was both refreshing and… sad for Daryl to be around her. He feared for her. He feared for himself, too. God damn, did he fear for himself. If something happened to her… he wasn't sure how that would change him. And he didn't want to find out. Her presence was a constant reminder of what he could have… and what he might lose.