Chapter 21: Hanging On

Blurb: ~ This chapter is titled after the song Hanging On- Ellie Goulding.~

Begin:

Daryl scrambled alongside Ellen as they tried to walk in tandem through the woods. His arm wrapped around Ellen's waist, keeping her upright. She struggled to keep her feet moving forward, fighting exhaustion. They were close to the highway now, and the walker pack was behind them. But a few strays still threatened the pair on their path. He would pause briefly, and unravel himself from Ellen's unsteady figure. She would wait patiently, merely watching as Daryl fired an arrow at the walker's head. They were little threat to him now that he was determined to get Ellen back safely. Nothing would get in the way anymore.

But as soon as the edge of the forest came into view, Daryl realized Ellen was beginning to distance herself from him. When they broke through the clearing and could see the parked cars on the highway, Ellen physically pulled away from him. She stood on her own two feet, stubbornly supporting herself.

Daryl could only watch her in worried confusion. He didn't understand why Ellen would be so determined to appear strong now. But then, Maggie was rushing down the hill and enveloping Ellen in an embrace. Maggie rocked Ellen around, using the force of her body to make them both sway. "I was so worried about you! I'm so sorry we lost you! I'm so sorry."

Maggie was on the brink of tears now. Ellen realized Maggie's emotions were getting the best of her, and patted her friend on the back. "I'm fine, Maggie. It's alright."

It was the first time Daryl had heard her speak since she screamed at the walkers in the field. Daryl acknowledged the tugging sensation in his chest, giving himself over to the feeling. As Maggie backed away from Ellen, Daryl immediately came back to her side. He didn't touch her. He just looked down at her from a looming angle, appraising her current state.

More members of the group made their way down the hill to speak to Ellen. She made her legs move forward to meet them halfway. This prompted Daryl to watch her more diligently. But he gave her space to move independently.

Daryl noticed that Ellen was very short with her words, only offering what explanation and warmth she felt was necessary. She was not only distancing herself from him, but also everyone else.

Rick led the group back up to the highway when greetings were done being exchanged. Rick shifted his weight uncomfortably, looking over their vehicles.

Noticing this, T-dog took the opportunity to put in his two cents, "I say we head East."

"I say we stay off the main roads. The bigger the roads, the more walkers. And the more assholes like this one," Daryl lifted his crossbow to take down an approaching walker, "I got 'im."

Ellen backed herself up, clumsily hitting her back against a truck bed. She couldn't concentrate on her surroundings, not with the walker approaching. Her mind went into complete tunnel vision. All she could see was the walker.

But then the walker hit the pavement, Daryl's arrow protruding from its cranium. And Ellen's world came back into perspective. She had to take in a large gulp of air, attempting to reestablish the equilibrium within herself. But all she could really acknowledge at that point was the walkers, and the people who left her to fight them off alone.

"We better get moving." Rick stated.

Hershel nodded in agreement, "Guess we'll just pile in the cars, head out down the road and see what looks safe."

"Ain't nothin' safe, Daddy." Maggie answered grimly.

Ellen watched as the group broke off into separate cars, and she wondered blankly where she should go. What subgroup could she tolerate now?

Daryl cleared his throat with a slight rumble, awakening Ellen from her haze of thought. "You gonna get on the bike?"

For the first time in what seemed like forever, Ellen met Daryl's eyes. Their eye contact was brief, but it was enough to deliver a strong message. Ellen allowed herself to express a hint of what she was feeling, the turmoil of emotions that were rushing through her after the group's abandonment and betrayal. Her words were not harsh, but they held a bitter edge to them that cut into Daryl's very being. "No, Daryl. The last place I want to be right now is out in the open."

Daryl let the tone in Ellen's voice do it's damage briefly, but recovered himself. "You can ride with Maggie and Hershel…"

Ellen nodded in response and peeled away from Daryl in the direction of the green Hyundai.

Daryl let her go. He was in no position to argue. And watching her limp away from him was hard enough. Ellen had been badly beaten by experience in the woods. She looked more disheveled than he'd ever seen her. Bloody knees, pebbles embedded in the skin of her palms, hair flopping out of its ponytail in an askew manner… She'd fought hard. And now, he could see she was struggling to shift out of survival mode.

Daryl huffed out a violent breath of air, causing a low rumble in the back of his throat. He was frustrated with himself for failing to go above and beyond for Ellen. But he couldn't protect her from everything. She'd have to get stronger on her own if she was going to live. And she'd proven in the woods that she was certainly capable.

He reached for the handles of the bike, allowing his body to mount the beastly motorcycle. He felt the vibration of the bike roaring to life as he switched it on and urged it forward. Daryl followed behind the Hyundai. He could see Ellen's small frame in the center seat, still and silent. Daryl chose to take comfort in the fact that he could watch her… even if she wasn't allowing anyone to comfort or protect her at the moment.

The group moved in a caravan, as they had in the days before life on Hershel's farm. They drove for hours. Daryl wasn't even sure how long it had been exactly. Time wasn't really a huge factor in life now. You just had to "take things as they come". It was strange, actually. Realizing that running out of time had been the one thing threatening him from saving Ellen just hours before. And now there was simply no reason to think about how much time had elapsed.

Daryl's thoughts were interrupted by a single horn burst behind him- BEEP!

He turned to look at the vehicle Rick was driving behind him, noticing he was slowing to a stop. Daryl did the same and watched to make sure the Hyundai stopped as well. When every motor vehicle was stopped in the street, Rick got out of the driver's side.

Daryl asked, "You empty?"

"We've been running on fumes for the past hour."

Daryl nodded and switched off the bike, dismounting so he could join the others. Maggie, Glenn, Carol, and Ellen had all exited the Hyundai and were heading towards Rick. Maggie spoke up first, "We can't stay here."

Glenn countered, "We can't all fit in one car."

"We'll have to make a run for some gas in the morning," Rick decided.

Carol was concerned, "Spend the night here?"

"But I'm freezing!" Carl complained.

Lori kept her son close, "We'll build a fire."

Daryl nodded in acknowledgement, "I'm 'a go out looking for firewood. Stay close." His gaze briefly fell on Ellen. But he turned away from her, "I've only got so many arrows. How you doin' on ammo?"

Rick grumbled back, "Not enough."

"We can't just sit here with our asses hangin' out."

Hershel cut Maggie off, "Watch your mouth. Everyone stop panicking and listen to Rick."

It was funny how power had shifted so suddenly. One day Hershel's calling the shots, and the next day Rick is team leader.

Rick took the cue, "Alright, we'll set up a perimeter. In the morning we'll find gas and some supplies. We'll keep pushing on."

Maggie made a suggestion, "Glenn and I can go make a run now- try to scrounge up some gas." She said the last word in an almost-whisper, acknowledging the urgency of this.

Rick stopped her, "No, we stay together. God forbid something happens and people get stranded without a car!"

Ellen felt the words bit into her heart. They'd had no problem leaving her behind before.

Glenn tried to make Rick see reason, "Rick, we're stranded now."

"I know it looks bad. We've all been through hell and worse. But at least we found each other. I wasn't sure- I really wasn't." Ellen could feel Rick's eyes sweep over her when he mentioned this. "But we did! We're together. We keep it that way. We'll find shelter somewhere. There's got to be a place!"

Glenn tried again, "Rick, look around. Ok, there are walkers everywhere. They're migrating or something-."

"There's got to be a place- not just where we hole up- but where we fortify! … Hunker down… pull ourselves together… build a LIFE for each other. I know it's out there. We just have to FIND it."

Maggie spoke up, "Even if we do find a place we think is safe, we can never be sure for how long. Look what happened with the farm! We fooled ourselves into thinkin' that was safe."

"We won't make that mistake again," Hershel determined.

There was a pause, and then Rick continued, "We'll make camp over there." He pointed toward a small-enclosed area with stone boarders. It was some kind of dam, "We'll get on the road at the break of day."

Daryl was startled to hear Carol ask behind him, "Does this feel right to you?"

Daryl turned to look at her, unsure at first if she was addressing him. He was surprised to have someone value his opinion at all. And he didn't know what to say.

Beth reached out to Rick, "What if walkers come through? Or another group like Randall's?"

Hearing this, Daryl turned his attention to Rick again, "You know I found Randall, right? He'd turned but he wasn't bit…."

Beth was confused, "How's that possible?"

"What the hell happened?" Lori asked Rick, referring to his excursion in the woods with Shane.

Daryl came to a conclusion; "Shane killed Randall… just like he always wanted to."

"And then the herd got him?" Lori asked.

Rick paused for a long moment, choosing his words carefully. Finally, he dropped a bomb of information on the group, "… we're all infected."

Suddenly, all eyes were on Rick. Everyone who'd been scanning the perimeter for danger turned to listen closely, some with gaping expressions on their faces. Daryl was the first to ask for an explanation, "What?"

"At the CDC… Jenner told me…. Whatever it is, we all carry it."

Ellen could feel her blood run cold. Those monsters… they'd chased her… and she'd fought so hard to keep herself from becoming one of them. But it was all just inevitable, wasn't it?

Anger laced itself through Carol's voice, "And you never said anything?"

Rick shrugged, "Would it have made a difference?"

"You knew this entire time…" Glenn stated.

"How could I have known for sure? You saw how crazy that…." Rick defended himself.

"That is not your call!" Glenn's voice was strained. "Ok, when I found out about the walkers in the barn- I told! It was for the good of everyone."

Rick didn't back down, "Well I thought it best if people didn't know."

Nobody replied for a long time. And finally, Rick turned away to walk towards the new campsite location. The group broke off separately then. Ellen watched Lori follow after Rick, and thought it best to give them their space. The Lord knew she needed it right now too.

Ellen followed behind the rest of the group as they filed toward the enclosed area of the dam's wall. The walls were fairly high and made of stone. Ellen was glad to be in an enclosed area once again, even if it was still outside.

Ellen could feel Daryl watching her as she took in the new campsite. She felt like he was looking for signs of self-destruction… almost like he thought she might explode. But she stood still and calm, breathing regularly. The weight of his gaze left her as Daryl turned back toward the forest. He grumbled out something about firewood and disappeared into the green.

Ellen turned towards where Daryl had left the group, but he was too far into the forest for her to catch a glimpse of the wings on his leather vest. Her gaze fell, settling on the dirt beneath her. What should she do now? She felt… broken. Nothing about her experiences in the past 24 hours made her feel stronger at all. She wondered if perhaps she needed to be broken before she could grow. But if that was true, was it even worth it? They were all infected anyway…

Ellen suddenly became conscious of the sound of rushing water. She peered up, following the source of the noise with her eyes. Taking a few steps forward, her field of vision cleared past one of the stone walls. And that was when she saw the pool of water, complete with a flowing waterfall. Ellen could feel her joints ache as they called for her to get closer to the pool of healing water. And that's exactly what she did.

Closer to the water's edge now, Ellen took one look at her bloody shins and hands, and sighed heavily. She scanned her surroundings quickly, seeing that the group was less than ten yards away. They'd be able to see her if something went wrong. So, she bent down and removed her shoes. Her socks were bloody. And as she removed them, she realized her feet were painfully blistered. Ellen winced at the sight, fearing the pain she knew would come with application of the pond water. Regardless, she dipped her socks into the water and scrubbed her dirty hands into them. The water stung as it invaded her bloody palms. It wasn't perfect, but it would have to do. She took the sopping wet sock and applied it gingerly to her open wounds- on her feet, her knees, her forehead, and her hands. It was a painful process, and by no means sterile, but she couldn't remain caked in blood.

When she was done cleaning her scraped up limbs, Ellen laid out her socks over her boots so they could dry. Then, Ellen cupped her hands into the water and brought it up over her head, dripping it down her face and hair. She repeated the process a few time, getting as wet as possible. She wanted to wash the day's events away. As far as she was concerned, she could never be clean enough after that experience.

When Ellen's hair was fairly drenched, she wrung it out with her hands and stood up. Grabbing her shoes and socks, she carefully turned to walk back towards the group- barefoot. Avoiding sharp rocks and twigs as she walked, Ellen felt that all-too-familiar gaze fall over her again. Feeling a bit panicked; Ellen swept her eyes across the environment around her, looking for him. Sure enough, Daryl was watching her seriously. His eyes scanned her ginger movements critically, and Ellen briefly wondered if he disapproved. But then her thoughts became more guarded, and she pulled back her gaze, continuing on towards the rest of the group. She passed Daryl without a second glance, not acknowledging his firm gaze.

Daryl wasn't off put by her lack of acknowledgement. He'd expected the cold shoulder. But that didn't mean he couldn't be concerned for her. It would be dark soon- hence the need for firewood. She shouldn't be covered in water right now.

Ellen made to sit down against the stone wall of the dam, further away from the others. Daryl stalked past her toward the fire pit Lori was making for Carl. He set the wood down in the center of the pit and leaned over it, pulling out the lighter he used on special occasions from his pocket. He lit the fire easily, and blew some air on it to encourage growth of the flames. Soon, a healthy fire was burning. Daryl turned to look directly at Ellen, who was determined to ignore him. "You better get your wet butt over here. You'll freeze to death if you stay over there."

Ellen's lips drew into a hard line, clearly irritated. But she realized Daryl was right. Avoiding his gaze for all she was worth, Ellen stood up and walked toward the fire without complaint. Sitting in the dirt near Lori, Ellen could feel the heat from Daryl's fire warm her numb limbs. And despite the ice in her heart, she was grateful for the fire.

Daryl seemed satisfied with Ellen's move towards the fire, and settled on picking a spot adjacent from the fire. He pulled out his crossbow and began examining it carefully, inspecting for damage. Ellen continued to watch the flames dance, quietly listening to the meaningless jabbering of the rest of the group.

It grew dark fast, and soon the group was surrounded by black shadows.

Daryl felt Carol gravitate towards him, but he didn't object when she sat near him. Continuing the examination of his crossbow, Daryl was surprised to hear Carol next to him, "We aren't safe with him."

Daryl hesitated slightly, then looked up to see that she was serious. Carol was referring to Rick's leadership. Carol continued, "Keepin' something like that from us?"

Carol looked around quickly to make sure no one was watching, "Why do you need him? He's just gonna pull you down."

Daryl shook his head, "Naw… Rick's done alright by me."

Carol objected, "You're his henchman…. And I'm a burden. We deserve better."

Sensing an ulterior motive, Daryl asked, "What do you want?"

Carol was quiet for a moment, "… a man of honor."

Daryl scoffed, "Rick has honor."

That seemed to be end of the conversation, because Carol didn't push the subject. Daryl was glad to be left to feed the fire in peace. He reached over to the wood pile and placed a new branch into the flames.

Ellen wasn't paying much attention to the conversations around her. She'd tried to mentally check out. But she was vaguely aware of the Greene family discussing leaving the group. Hershel encouraged Maggie to drop the idea, saying they were safer with more numbers. Ellen wasn't sure that was true anymore. Numbers hadn't really helped in her situation…

A branch snapped in the woods behind the group, and everyone was suddenly alert. "What was that?"

Daryl answered, "Could be anything… could be a raccoon, could be a 'possum, could be a walker…".

Carol started to panic, "We need to leave. I mean, what are we waitin' for?"

"Where'd it come from?"

"It came from over there…"

"…back from where we came."

Rick was firm, "The last thing we need is for everyone to be running around in the dark! We don't have the vehicles… no one is traveling on foot."

"Don't panic," Hershel instructed.

"I'm no sittin' here and waitn' for another herd to blow through." Maggie's voice was shaking with fear. "We need to move now!"

Rick's voice was cold, "No one is goin' anywhere!"

Carol pushed further, "Do something!"

"I am doin' somethin'! I'm keepin' this group together- alive! I've been doin' that all along. I didn't ask for this! I killed my best friend for you people, for CHRIST'S SAKE!" Rick growled.

Ellen glanced at Lori and Carl, whose mouths stood agape.

Another bomb…

Silence enveloped the group, and all attention was on Rick. "You saw what he was like…. How he pushed me…. How he compromised us… How he threatened us… He staged the whole Randall thing, and lead me out to put a bullet in my back! He gave me NO CHOICE! He was my friend, but HE came after ME."

Carl was sobbing into Lori's chest now. Rick tried to justify his actions, "My hands are CLEAN…. Maybe you people are better off without me. Go ahead! I say that there's a place for us, but maybe it's just another dream. Maybe I'm foolin' myself again. Why don't you go and find out yourself? Send me a postcard. Go on… there's the door. You can do better? Let's see how far you get. No takers? Fine. But get one thing straight- if you're stayin', this isn't a democracy anymore.