An: IN PIZZA HUT. going to see Charlie and the chocolate factory soon hope you're all okay. Please review xxxx
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'I struggle and I lost the day you knock me out.'
She closed her eyes, the feeling of his lips on her hand...she could still feel it; the brush of his stubble on her skin. She'd done the right thing by turning her back, hadn't she? She didn't know. She didn't know anything anymore.
She went to her room, she needed time to think, time to clear her head. The doctor? He was a good decent man. But she was a nun.
She looked at her self in the mirror. Other than the habit she looked like a normal young woman. Her head dress off and hair net on the dresser. She didn't look like Sister Bernadette at all. But that was who she was. Or who everyone thought she was.
The sudden lump of in her throat made her ball her fists as tears filled her eyes a small sob escaped from her lips and she broke down.
Why? Why were these tears falling. This was her life. This was her calling, wasn't it? She felt afraid.
Afraid of what was being asked of her. Afraid of the challenge God was presenting her. She didn't think she was strong enough to over come it.
She put her head in her hands. Who could she turn to?
It wasn't just Dr Turner kissing her hand that made her feel as though things were wrong. It was everything. She would sometimes be sat around the table with everyone else and she would feel like she didn't belong. She was the youngest of the sisters and as much as she loved them she often felt different. She was similar age to the midwives and knew they wanted to be able to talk to her more but being a nun restricted that. So sometimes she felt alone.
She pulled the sheets over her head that night almost to hide herself from the rest of the world. She didn't know how to let out her feelings. She wasn't sure she knew what was wrong.
The person she was closest to was Sister Julienne but what would she tell her? She had questioned where she belonged? No, that would crush her. She couldn't do that. Sister Julienne loved her as though she was her daughter.
There wasn't anyone else.
She felt so lost it hurt. Her mind was in overdrive and she didn't know how to calm it.
There was a dull ache behind her eyes caused by all her crying and over thinking.
She went over the facts. She was a nun but she wasn't happy. She wanted a different life but didn't want to hurt anyone else by doing it. She should trust God, if he wanted her to choose a different path he'd give her a sign but she wasn't sure she'd know the sign of he saw it.