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'I'm watching as a screening of my life plays out.'
He opened the door for her, giving her a small comforting smile, wondering if she knew he was there for her, if she needed him. She thanked him but made no eye contact.
She looked tired. The colour had drained from her face as she was starting to look a little more ill. In his eyes though, she was still beautiful. Her eyes still bright like sapphires and still had that sparkle he loved so much.
They didn't speak, they sat in silence. Her hands clasped together she hoped he hadn't been able to tell. She'd lost many nights sleep recently. Too many thoughts going through her mind for her to enter a peaceful slumber.
He gripped the steering wheel tighter. He was worried about her. She'll be fine. That's what he kept telling himself. The treatment will work and she'll get better.
But then what?
They still had the same problem. She was a nun but he wished she wasn't. He wished she wasn't so he could tell her what he felt about her.
"Thank you Doctor..." She said, her voice quiet as she took her case. "you've been...more than kind."
For the first time she looked him in the eye and he held her gaze for a little too long hoping she'd say more. She didn't. For many reasons. She was scared, not of him but of what she was feeling for him. She wanted to say more to him but was worried her mouth would run away with itself.
She gave a small nod before turning and walking towards the building. It hurt him to see her go, their unspoken goodbye and made a lump form in his throat.
As she unpacked the few things she brought with her in her room she started to wonder whether any of this was real. It was like a dream, a nightmare? Like she was watching someone else live this life.
Things were moving around her, others people's lives but hers stood still, for now anyway. She was trapped in a state of confusion and all she could do was pray.
She was so emotionally exhausted that it made her feel worse than her physical illness.
The nurses thought she was just nervous or worried so tried to help her saying everything was fine, there were gardens for her to walk in, books to read, other patients to talk to, maybe she could write a diary to take her mind off things?
She didn't want any of it.
She just wanted to sleep. Sleep for exactly as long as it took for her to feel better, for her to find the answer. She just wanted to close her eyes and pretend things were simple. That her choice were clear.