Capsized
GAIL
Week 1
6 days after Jason and Shannon left for Boston I came home to find the 10x10-safety deposit box sitting on our kitchen table. Holly had been withdrawn since the conversation with her parents; two days after they had left Holly finally opened the box that held the key. On Day three she stopped answering her mother's phone calls and shut me out altogether. I desperately felt the urge to talk to her, to comfort her, I felt responsible for her current stress. The safety deposit box felt like an anchor preparing to bring down the ship, the water was deeper than the chain; anchors need the find the seabed, even if the ship goes under with it.
Week 2
"Nights?" I stared at Oliver in disbelief. "Yeah, the orders came from over my head kiddo, 2 weeks of nights starting Sunday." Oliver repeated before handing the schedule to me. "I should have realized this would happen, Elaine Peck." I shook my head and stalked out of his office. Backlash in my family does not come in the form of angry voice mails or the silent treatment. My work life always mirrored my family relationship, my punishments always came in the form of work duties that everyone hated. 2 weeks on nights, straight from Superintendent Peck's desk, the letterhead pissed me off.
"Peck!" Oliver called as I tried to storm into the locker room. "You may be able to switch shifts." Oliver knew that the night shift's had been issued as a punishment. "It won't work Oliver!" I shook my head and went into the locker room to change. I knew that switching my shifts would only result in a new form of torture and the people who switched with me learning the consequences.
"What's up?" Tracie asked, grabbing her bag from her locker, her eyes held the same concerned gaze that had been present since the disastrous dinner with my mother. "2 weeks on nights courtesy of superintendent peck. Who knew being with a woman could be a punishable offense in my family." I sighed folding the schedule and stuffing it into my duffle bag. "2 weeks!?" Tracie asked, sitting on the bench behind me. "Nights normally only run 3 days at a time." Tracie gawked at me, her expression as shocked as mine had initially been.
"Yep, I'm guessing this is just the start of it though. I did walk out of dinner, I'm dating a woman, and I refuse to bend to her will. 2 weeks may turn into my career, Officer Gail Peck, Night Cop." I tried to calmly unbutton my uniform shirt when really just wanted rip the buttons off. "Have you told Holly?" Tracie asked, reaching into my bag to grab the schedule. Tracie had been at the penny the last time I broke the night shift news to Holly, she had witnessed the paten Holly pout and the complaints about sleeping alone.
"Oh,that's the best part, Holly hasn't said more than Night Gail, or have a good day Gail to me in 5 days, before that I at least heard the occasional I love you, and Thank you." I laughed trying not to cry, the last 13 days had worn on my every nerve.
"I didn't realize." Tracie watched me, her eyes sad and concerned. "Yeah, I guess I deserve it for bringing her into my mother's home right, all of it is necessary punishment." I shook my head and grabbed my keys forcing them into my pocket. "Fuck it." I sighed, pulling my hoodie on over my undershirt and ripped my bag from the hook in my locker. "See you later Tracie!" I called before nearly running out of the locker room, needing to be away from the station.
By the time I had made it home, I was on the verge of tears, frustrated with work, with my mother, with my current situation with Holly. I needed a beer and to lay in my girlfriend's arms, to find a calm that had been missing for days. I hoped that I could fix my mistakes with Holly and that we could cuddle for a few hours.
I opened the door and dropped my keys on the vanity; the light on in Holly's office seeped into the living room, I figured she had an article to write or paperwork to catch up on. I bent down to untie my boots and kicked them off, when I stood up Holly stood in the doorway with her hands on her hips. "Is it necessary for you to make so much noise when you walk in the door, can you not reach down and take your shoes off, do you need to kick them into the wall!?" Holly asked, glaring at me, every muscle in her face tensed as she searched my face, I had never seen Holly this upset. "And the keys, can you not just lay them on the table, must you drop them every time!?"
I felt a pang in my stomach that I hadn't felt in nearly a year, the pang of fear that we were breaking up. The last time I had felt this way had been the night at the penny when I first met Lisa and Rachel. I watched her and bit into my cheek, trying to control my own emotions. "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I made that much noise." I muttered and tried to blink back the tears. "I'm, um, I'll be in the shower." I stuttered walking past her towards the stairs, needing to be away from her angry glare, needing to not be the cause of that expression.
When I finally made into our room, I noticed the box by her side of the bed, A haunting reminder that my mother had hurricane into her life, leaving nothing but debris and heartache in her wake. That my current situation could have been avoided had I just declined to bring Holly to dinner. I broke down in the shower, crumpling to the floor and letting out the sobs that I had been holding back, I had no idea how to fix it.
Week 3
Holly appeared to be genuinely relieved when she noticed my schedule on the fridge, opposite shifts meant that we would not see each other for a while. Not that she had said much to me since yelling at me about my keys and my boots. 16 days felt like a lifetime, the precursor to breaking up, I had expected to come home every day with boxes of my stuff in the living room. I had expected Holly to ask me to leave, 16 days of this overly heavy feeling felt like drowning while everyone just stood by and watched.
Dinner's in the fridge, don't eat from the blue container it has tomatoes- Holly
Holly hadn't brought them into her home or eaten them since we started dating, it may have started in our friendship, she knew that I was allergic to tomatoes and made an effort to keep them away from me. I had made the same effort to stay away from dairy products; it had been an unspoken agreement between us. "K.O.D." I muttered to myself before pulling out the clear container and putting it in the microwave; I must have missed Holly by 20 minutes this morning. She had been leaving early for work and coming home late, I had seen her for a total of maybe 15 minutes all week.
Thank you for dinner, I love you
I sent Holly a quick text before sitting on the couch to eat and unwind from my shift. I had tried to keep my contact with Holly minimal, giving her as much space as she needed, I made sure though to tell her I loved her at least in person every day, I guess with night shifts I would have to settle for texts. The safety deposit box now sat by the coffee table, staring back at me, a 10x10 reminder of my mistakes. "Fuck you." I muttered before walking upstairs; I had never felt hatred for an inanimate object before.
Week 4
I had purposely told Oliver that I would be 2 hours late for shift today, I had planned a semi ambush of Holly, I hadn't laid eyes on her in 4 days. "Hi love." I smiled when she walked in the front door after work, she just glanced up at me and nodded. "Hi." She sighed and set her bag down before hanging up her coat. "I made your favorite Gigot D'Agneau Pleureur, and I bought your favorite wine, I took a few ours off so we can have dinner together." I smiled holding a glass out to her.
"I already ate, thanks though, I need to shower." Holly took the wine as she walked by, the simple gesture cut deep. "Are we over?" I asked, staring at the door, afraid to turn around and look at her, I knew that the dam of emotions I had been holding back would burst open if I met her eyes. "What?" Holly asked from the stairs, I could hear the confusion in her tone. "It's my fault, I took you to her house and she dug into your adoption." I chewed on my lip, preparing myself for the worst; I could feel her eyes on the back of my head.
"Why would we be over?" Holly asked, her voice so low that If I hadn't been close I would have missed it. "It's been 4 weeks Holly, you haven't looked at me in 4 weeks, and you haven't said anything to me in that long, aside from asking why I made so much noise coming into the house. You weren't upset when you found out that we wouldn't be sharing a bed for two weeks, you usually complain for a week leading up to even 2 back to back night shifts." My voice cracked, I knew that couldn't hold back my tears much longer.
"Isn't that what you're leading up to, the next logical step in this is me moving out." I sobbed unable to stop the sudden break in my resolve, voicing my fear terrified me. I feared the potential confirmation, that she would tell me that she didn't know how to say it, that she had been trying to find the right words, that she didn't want to break my heart.
"I'm sorry, I just need time Gail." Holly muttered and wrapped her arms around me; her voice to calm, to steady. I'm not sure if her lack of an answer upset me or her lack of emotion, I suddenly couldn't stand being in her home, having her stand close but feel so far away. "I need to leave for work." I shook my head and met her eyes. "I love you Holly." I breathed and she gave me a sad smile. "Have a nice night Gail." Holly kissed my cheek and I walked out the door. I sat in my car for 20 minutes trying to stop the flood of tears, it hurt that she didn't say that she loved me back, that she had offered little reassurance to me, she needed time. Were we now on a break, did I need to move out for a few weeks to give her space?
"You have reached the voicemail box of Dr. Holly Stewart, I'm unable to come to the phone right now, please leave a message and I will call you back." I felt the phone slip from my fingers as everything became fuzzy. "GAIL! DAMMIT GAIL! STAY WITH ME!" I heard Dov yell, it was too late, I needed to sleep, I felt cold and sleeping seemed like such a wonderful idea, the anchor had finally hit the ocean floor and it felt soft and inviting.
A/N: Don't hate me…I know this chapter had a lot going on but I promise the next one will have some answers… and should be up this weekend