Gail
I sat cross-legged on my bed, staring out the window, it helped me collect my thoughts, I could feel their stares though. Holly sat in a chair by my bed, a mix of emotions showing on her face as she watched Dr. Dwyer. Today marked our first couple therapy session, and we had just begun to scratch the surface of our issues. "Tell me about your dream Gail." Dr. Dwyer smiled as I turned to face her. My dream had quickly turned into a nightmare, every time I fell asleep, I had the same dream and I woke up in a state of panic. Camden had replaced nearly every stitch on my body this week because of my nightmares.
"What's left to tell, I fall asleep and I wake up in a white room, and sitting across from me is my casket." I shrugged turning back to the window; the sun had just begun its descent, the sky turning an array of oranges and pinks. "Are you in the casket?" Dr. Dwyer asked readjusting in her seat, the notepad resting on her knee fell to the floor. "Yeah, as I walk over to it, I'm lying there, in my street clothes covered in blood." I shook my head; I could feel the slight scratching of a panic attack coming on, the slight increase in my heart rate and my breathing.
"Why do you think you're dreaming of your death?" Dr. Dwyer asked, picking up her notepad, she hadn't written anything down which seemed odd; her notepad in the past had been filled halfway through our session. "I died, three times. I shouldn't be here right now." I shrugged, watching the sky fade to deep purples and blues. I craved to be outside, to not be in a hospital bed feeling more trapped than I had when I could not open my eyes. "I signed a DNR, that if I coded not to bring me back." I felt sick, bringing up my dreams and the DNR upset Holly, she felt guilty for my dreams. "You put Holly in charge of your DNR, for her to enact it?" Dr. Dwyer asked, glancing towards Holly who sat pulling on her fingers anxiously.
"I couldn't." Holly took a deep breath, trying to hold back her tears. "I just..." she whimpered, her tears threatening to fall as she blinked. "I couldn't." Holly watched as I moved to the edge of my bed, reaching for her hand. "I'm glad that you couldn't." I tugged her towards me, needing her to be closer. "I'll be here until we're in our 80's bickering about who left the coffee pot on." I wiped her tears away as she stood in front of me, her hands resting on my thighs as I watched her. "My nightmare freaks me out. I could have missed this chance, the opportunity to be here with you. You gave me this change Holly" She took calming breaths, her lip still quivering as she moved to sit with me.
My dream freaked me out, I knew that I had died, three times, and the white room became my marker for that. The white room with disembodied voices could simply be a figment of my imagination, my brain attempting to wake up from my medically induced coma. I equated it to remembering each stop of my heart, the three chances to not come back to life. I had given Holly the power to enact my DNR because she would have the judgment to say that I wouldn't recover.
"Have you left the hospital, Holly?" Dr. Dwyer asked once we settled, my head resting on Holly's shoulder. "No." Holly shook her head reaching up to play with her necklace, an unconscious movement that made me smile, she found comfort in the action. "It's been 11 days since I've left the hospital." Holly muttered chewing on her lip, her tears had stopped and her breathing had calmed significantly.
"My suggestion, you both need time to cope with the events of the last 6 weeks, you should spend time apart, you should go back to work Holly, start sleeping at home, rebuilding your normal routine's. Time to collect your thoughts separately may allow you to open up." Dr. Dwyer stood up and packed her bag, neatly organizing her files and notebook before turning back to us. "Maybe write it down, write to each other, it can be easier than speaking." Dr. Dwyer nodded before checking her watch. "That's all the time we have for today, I'll be back tomorrow at noon." She turned and left the room, I had a session with her every day this week, alternating between single sessions and sessions with Holly.
"Maybe we should write the letters." Holly muttered, she sounded defeated and tired. "I have so much to say and it's impossible for me to tell you without turning into a blubbering mess." Holly watched me for a moment before letting out a long breath. "Ok." I nodded wrapping my arms around her; we both seemed to end up crying every time we tried to express ourselves. Maybe writing it down would help, we needed to find starting point at least, a way to break the ice.
I woke up suddenly, my heart racing and my breathing coming in short gasps, Holly slept behind me, her forehead resting between my shoulder blades. "You ok?" Holly murmured stretching out, her front pressing against my back. "Yeah I just need to stand up." I eased myself out of bed; I felt the trickle down my side as I stood up, I knew that I had ripped my stitches again. According to both Camden and Holly, the placement sucked and caused issues for most people; my sudden movements when I woke up were only prolonging the healing process.
I shuffled out of my room towards the nurse's station reaching up to gently press into my side. "Ms. Peck, how can I help you?" An older woman asked as I stopped in front of her. "I ripped a few of my stitches." I groaned leaning against the counter, my voice thick with sleep and my eyes were barely open. "If you have a seat over here I can page Dr. Links." She smiled, pointing towards the rolling chair on the other side of the counter, I moved towards the seat as her eyes went wide. "What?" I asked standing completely still. "How many stitches did you rip?" she reached out and moved my shirt up, I stared down noticing the large brown stain on the gray material. "I'm not sure." I moved my hand as she revealed the incision. "Oh wow." She gasped. Dried blood stained my stomach and now itched as it cracked and flaked off from my movements.
"Gail." Holly rushed out of my room in a panic, her eyes wide and her face pale. "She's here." The nurse called as Holly rushed towards me, her white t-shirt stained brown with dried blood just below her breast. "Are you ok?" she asked, glancing at my shirt and then at my face. "Yeah, I ripped my stitches in my sleep, I guess." I shrugged as Dr. Payton walked towards us with an amused smile playing on his lips.
"Dr. Links is off today, I will redo your sutures." He set a suture kit on the counter. "Oh dear." He muttered, moving forward, his gaze trained on the dried bloodstain on my shirt. "Do you have stitches left?" he asked, rounding the counter and lifting my shirt, I quickly turned away from Holly as she gasped.
"You didn't wake up?" Dr. Payton asked gently poking the edges of my incision; I had ripped at least 10 of the sutures. "No." I shook my head as he picked up the suture kit and led me back into my room. "Babe, can you grab me a coffee?" I asked when Holly came into the room in a clean shirt, I didn't want her to see my incisions. "Yeah." She nodded sadly before walking out of the room; Holly hadn't been in the room when my stiches were fixed since Camden had first replaced them.
"She worries." Dr. Payton muttered as I peeled my shirt off. I stared down at the 6-inch patch of dried blood that left my shirt stiff; I wondered how I hadn't woken up when I started bleeding. "She doesn't need to worry with the patchwork Doc; she's worried enough as it is." I gritted through my teeth as he cleaned the wound and wiped away the dried blood.
"We need to approach this differently. I'm replacing all of your sutures here with different stitches." Dr. Payton muttered as he organized the contents of the suture kit on my bed. "These will be deeper and harder to rip; we need to stop this cycle, your wound needs to heal." Dr. Payton shook his head and pulled the curtain around my bed blocking the doorway. "At this point we can't control the scarring, we need you to heal." I watched as he pulled out a vial of lidocaine and a syringe, quickly measuring out the dosage before meeting my eyes. "Lay back; this won't be quick." Dr. Payton tisked as I laid down.
Holly knew every doctor in this hospital; this is where she did her medical residency before moving to pathology. I couldn't imagine Holly working on living patients, she rambled when nervous and delivering news made her rambling worse. Dr. Payton had been her mentor during her first year of general medicine; he had introduced her to Dr. Etan, the best pathologist in Ontario. Holly trusted these doctors, and they all cared for her immensely.
"Can I ask why you won't let Holly be in here?" Dr. Payton asked once he had numbed my side and removed my existing stitches. "I look like a shark attack survivor, she's worried, I'm healing and the scars going to be gross. She seemed like she's would pass out every time Camden replaced the torn stitches." I muttered, watching him work, I had become desensitized to the needles; I found it oddly fascinating watching the sutures being placed. "What happens when you're home, you're together, and being intimate is difficult if you won't let her see you." Dr. Payton muttered, I knew he was right; the cuts were too fresh right now, when they were healed and no longer red and bleeding, it would be different.
"It's not my place to interject; however, I've watched her worry over you for nearly two weeks though. The fact that she hasn't left the hospital and Lisa and Rachel have had to drag her out of your room to shower shows how devoted she is to you. That type of love is rare." Dr. Payton breathed the fatherly worry in his eyes made me open up. "When we met I already had scars and she obsesses, she shouldn't see me this broken. These scars will remind her that she almost lost me and our lives need to move forward. I love her and she doesn't need to worry." I chewed on my lip as he started the process of redoing my stitches.
Holly,
You're asleep next to me as I write this; I cannot seem to say these words aloud.
I'm worried that once I'm out of the hospital, we will be different, so much is different already. You terrified me when you walked into my life, I knew you would ruin me for everyone else. I don't know how you did it, how you walked past my walls and coaxed me out of my shell.
I stared at the notebook sitting on my lap, I had started writing last night while Holly slept. I didn't make much progress though, I became distracted by the mewling noises she made in her sleep, the way her nose scrunched up and she mumbled under her breath.
"Ok, call me if you need anything, I don't care what time it is, I'm only 10 minutes away." Holly sighed, sitting on the edge of my bed, her overnight bag packed. Tonight would be the first time we slept apart. "I will, please try to sleep. Take a long bath with candles and sleep in our bed and not on the couch." I reached out and touched her cheek, as much as I wanted her to stay, I knew that Dr. Dwyer had a point; we needed a few hours apart, a way to return to normal life.
"I don't want to leave." Holly sighed, leaning into my touch, her eyes searching my face a mix of worry and desperation plaguing her features. "Neither do I. We can write our letters though and you can bring me the best donuts in the morning." I leaned forward and kissed her softly, the new stitches pulled less when I moved and I hadn't ripped them today, officially 24 hours stitch replacement free.
"I'll be back tomorrow when I wake up; I'll bring donuts and coffee, please be safe tonight and call me if you need anything." Holly kissed me again, her fingers pressing into my side as she lay me back on the bed. "Mhhm." I groaned grabbing her hand as she pushed my shirt up. "I love you, but I'll get excited and I'll hurt myself." I whimpered as she kissed along my jaw, for day's I've had this itch to ravish her. "I'm sorry." Holly pulled away, hovering over me with a sad smile, her hair creating a curtain between us and the rest of the world. "I love you." She kissed me quickly and moved off the bed. "I love you too." I watched as she walked out of my room, for the first time since waking up I had no visitors.
Watching you leave tonight broke my heart, you have kept me sane since waking up, and it is selfish, but I want you here with me all the time. Waking up to your face every morning brings me peace, I'm not sure what I did to deserve your love, how I've managed to keep you in my life this long.
Most of what I touch breaks, and right now, we're cracked, I don't know how to fix our cracks. I have never needed anyone the way I need you Hol, and we will figure this out together.
My eyes grew heavy as I wrote; my pain medication had been mixed with a sedative to prevent me from ripping my stitches in my sleep. The goal right now besides getting out of the hospital is not ripping my stitches, and healing. I knew that the issues between Holly and me wouldn't be resolved until my discharge papers were issued; the hospital has that effect on relationships, offering a temporary patch to issues, the patch disappears once the doctors are gone though. Until we were back into a normal routine and no longer waiting on doctors every day I knew that we would be stuck in limbo.
Holly
I shuffled into Gail's room just after 8 PM, the sight before me instantly brought a smile to my face. Gail sat at the top of her bed, staring up at the TV, Leo asleep with his head on her lap, Bailey asleep taking up a majority of the bed. Steve and Tracie cuddled on the couch near the window, and Bill Peck sat in a chair near Gail. I watched them all for a moment; they all seemed entranced by the television. Today I had gone back to work, rejoining the real world and leaving Gail for no less than 10 hours a day.
I made my way into the room gently dropping my bag near the door as I moved towards Gail, her hair sticking up in every which direction, her fingers absently playing with Leo's hair as he slept. "Hi." I breathed against her temple before kissing her softly. "Hi." She beamed up at me and turned back towards the television.
"Have you eaten?" Tracie asked slowly standing up and stretching; Steve moved to look around her towards the TV. "Yeah, I grabbed food before heading over." I nodded and turned to the TV, How to Train Your Pet Dragon 2 played. Gail reminded me of toothless, only dangerous when protecting someone or when she was in pain.
I kicked off my boots before climbing into bed behind Gail, careful not to disturb Bailey and Leo. I had felt off kilter being away from her all day. Gail smiled at me before leaning back against me, her head resting on my shoulder. I gently wrapped my arms around her waist content to stay this way for the rest of the night.
Soon after sitting down the movie credits appeared and Bill shut off the TV, his pristine uniform replaced by jeans and a polo shirt. "I should be heading home, I'll bring you lunch tomorrow." Bill bent down to kiss Gail's forehead as she pouted. "Bring cookies?!" she asked, watching him, he smiled and nodded. "Of course." Bill laughed, turning towards me; he reached out and squeezed my arm. "Have a good night." He made his way towards Steve and Tracie, who were packing Leo's backpack and clearing the take-out containers that littered the floor by the couch.
I sat back as they said their goodbyes and shuffled out of the room carrying the still sleeping Leo. "Hey." I poked Bailey in the shoulder, causing her to groan and sit up. "I'll leave too." She muttered, pulling on her shoes. "Thank you for bringing dinner and staying with Gail today." I laughed stretching my legs out thankful for the space on the bed. "No problem, mom and dad will be here tomorrow." Bailey waved sleepily as she shuffled out of the room.
I leaned in and kissed Gail's shoulder softly resting my lips against her skin, we stayed that way for a few minutes existing in a peaceful calm that had enveloped us. "I need to pee!" Gail whined, climbing out of bed, I laughed to myself as she scurried to the bathroom. While I waited for her to return I remade the bed, I needed to hold her in my arms, to let the stress of being away from her for so long disappear.
"Dr. Payton says I might be home soon." Gail smiled as she came back into the room, her hair no longer sticking up and her face wet. "Did he check your stitches today?" I asked, tying my hair up into a loose knot as she sat on the edge of the bed. "He said they're ok, that I need to stop moving, the scar will be gross." Gail muttered as she laid down, as a precaution they had replaced all her sutures with mattress stitches, they were less exposed and harder to rip.
"Sound advice." I shrugged laying down and opening my arms to her. "What time do you work tomorrow?" Gail asked moving to lay in my arms. "6." I leaned forward and kissed her neck as she squirmed. "What time are you leaving?" she asked once she had settled, her forehead resting against my clavicle. "I should leave here in a few hours." I sighed, checking the time, 9:15 didn't seem late, and I knew that I needed a decent amount of sleep to function at work though I should be leaving already.
"I can just sleep here." I muttered, trying to run my hand up the back of her shirt to feel her skin, she quickly reached down and stopped the movement. I wanted to comment on her distance, that her pushing me away when I tried to touch her hurt. "Our bed is more comfortable than this rock, home is closer to work, and you won't need to wake up retarded early." Gail smiled up at me, her eyes a foggy blue. "I'll be home soon. You can't stay here all the time Hol, we need to find normal again." Gail kissed my chin running her hand along my arm.
"I don't like being away from you." I mumbled as she slowly started kneading my forearm, her fingertips pressing gently into my skin. "It's only for a few days and I'll be home. Soon enough we will be back to fighting for the covers." She took a deep breath as the silence settled over us. Gail had been in the hospital for 15 days, I had been sleeping in our bed alone for the past three nights. I hated leaving the hospital knowing that she could have a nightmare and wake up alone. She had insisted that I sleep at home, we both knew we needed time apart to cope and collect our thoughts.
"Will you stop by tomorrow after work?" Gail asked, breaking the silence; she had been playing with my necklace for a while. "Of course." I breathed, checking the time, I knew I should head home and sleep, I wanted to stay here with Gail in my arms all night though, sleeping alone in our bed while she stayed here felt weird. Every time her stitches had ripped, had been when she woke from a nightmare, unable to control her body movements as she jerked and overstretched. The trauma had prolonged her healing, and her hospital stay.
I walked into my office to find Steve sitting behind my desk, a case file in hand and his hair messy, he did not look up as I walked in, he simply held out a paper coffee cup and turned the page. "Don't you have an office?" I asked, taking the coffee and walking towards the table quickly discarding my bag and keys. I had left the hospital at a decent hour last night, I couldn't fall asleep though, and my night had been restless and miserable.
"I came to return those." Steve pointed to the safety deposit box near the door, his eyes carefully trained on my face as I stared at the box. The contents of that box had nearly ruined my relationship with Gail; we had not even scratched the surface of that yet. I turned as Steve walked towards me tucking the file under his arm; he stopped and sat on the armrest of the couch before taking a deep breath.
"We know the cause of the attack, we have confessions, lists of people, and they don't need those anymore." Steve shrugged staring at the box, his posture relaxed as he shook his head. "Elaine asked the wrong people the wrong questions trying to dig up your past. She asked about your biological parents and the current leader structure of the cartel in Vancouver." Steve pinched the bridge of his nose as he yawned. "Some of the white shirts have gang connections and paychecks, they thought she was searching for an entry point for the cartel to move in and take over Toronto. The gangs banded together a cumulative retaliation to prove a point." Steve yawned again and stood up; I noticed the unshaved stubble on his chin and his wrinkled shirt from last night.
"They raided them last night; I've been processing them as they came in." Steve laughed, walking towards the door; his movements made him appear drunk. "All of this was a warning?" I asked, feeling sick to my stomach. "Yeah, and a show of power that went awry on both sides. Elaine's on administrative leave as of last night and 3 other high ranking officials were removed from their positions due to their connections with the gangs." Steve kissed my forehead as he walked by. "Tracie's taking me home before she starts shift, I'll stop by the hospital this afternoon to talk to Gail." Steve yawned again walking out the door; I stood in my office staring at the safety deposit box for what felt like an hour. I needed to get rid the files, I needed to move on, we all needed to move on.
"Where are you taking me?" Gail asked, pouting from the wheelchair I pushed, she hated being wheeled around; Camden would not let me bring her up here without it though. "It's a surprise." I laughed, pulling her through the doorway to the hospital Terries. I had bundled Gail in a blanket and heavy coat before bringing her out of her room, I hadn't anticipated the chill in the air when I had planned this out, I needed to make a point though.
"Holly take me back in its freezing out here!" Gail gasped wrapping the blanket around her tightly, her pout turning into a glare. "It will warm up I promise." I pushed her towards the propane heater and stopped in front of a large steel bowl, Gail grumbled under her breath as I quickly grabbed my bag from the bench behind her.
"That night you left, Bailey came over and offered up brilliant advice." I beamed as I helped Gail out of the wheelchair, pulling her towards the bench. "If you ever tell her, we will have issues." I laughed, dropping the bag at my feet and quickly pressing the on switch near the metal bowl, we both watched as the flames lazily licked at the stone logs. "She told me that our scraped knees and scars were what made us family, that we had bled for each other. She told me that I knew who my family is and that I've been the world's biggest bitch." I muttered as Gail nodded and shrugged, her eyes trained on the fire before us.
"You're not asking me to take a blood oath are you Holly? I'm sure Camden would kill you if I need stitches." Gail shivered before turning to me, while the propane heater was on and the fire before us had started pushing out heat, the chill still seeped through our layers. "No, I'm not asking you to take a blood oath." I rolled my eyes and unzipped the duffel back revealing the stack of green folders. "I learned more than I bargained for in terms of the people who contributed to my genes. I felt as though the words in these files would define my future. It didn't matter that 30 years had passed or that they didn't raise me, I panicked and built my walls twice as high." I reached out and organized the files into a large pile between us.
"It took me a while to realize that my family wasn't on those pages; those pages were genetic markers and case studies." I pulled a bottle of champagne from my bag and smiled as Gail's eyes lit up. "You're my family, Gail; you're the defining moment 20 years from now that I'll look back on and know that everything got better when you walked into my life." I turned to her, her gaze now fixed on the pile of folders between us. "I want to celebrate a new beginning, for both of us." I picked one last file from my bag before kicking it under the bench we sat on.
"It's corny, but I figured we could get rid of what we think defines us, the two points in our relationship that we both pulled away." I held out the file Elaine Peck kept on Gail. Steve had picked it up for me this afternoon when I concocted this idea. "These files don't define me and I don't need them anymore." I shrugged and placed them into the metal bowl, watching as the edges curled and charred, turning an angry orange color before igniting. The flames danced in blues, reds, and greens, the ink from the pages quickly painting the fire. Gail watched me wide-eyed as I placed the last of the files into the fire. It felt oddly gratifying, the wall that I had built between us both literally and figuratively turned to ash before my eyes.
"We're family now?" Gail questioned to herself before smiling at me. "I love you." Gail grinned tossing her file into the flames, her eyes shining as she turned to me. "I love you too." I smiled as she surged forward and kissed me, her lips crashing into mine with a need that neither of us could control. The kiss only lasted a moment before Gail groaned and pulled away, her face contorted in pain as she sat closer to me. "We need to continue this when I'm not stitched together like a rag doll." Gail groaned leaning into my side, her eyes fixated on the fire before us. "We have our work cut out for us. I'm in this Gail, I'm fighting for us." I breathed, opening the bottle of Champaign and handing it to her; she took a slow pull from the bottle before handing it back. "So am I." She rested her head on my shoulder, we stayed that way for a while, cuddled together on the bench watching the fire dissolve our walls.
A/N: The letters will be included in the next chapter. There is still a lot of drama coming up but things for these two are looking up.