A/N Hey guys! So just a heads up this chapter is not probably not going to be a super pleasant experience. I know the canon hasn't really gotten into it, but Leo is going through shit. That is also why it's a shorter chapter than usual because it's a lot more mentally exhausting to write this kind of thing. Anyways thank-you once again for reading and reviewing! This is officially the most popular fic I have ever written and I couldn't have done it without you guys!

Also I still do not own TMNT, but as always I am eternally grateful for their existence!

Love or Blood

Chapter 6: Cold Spaghetti

Moving still

Leonardo's life – no his mind – had become a panoply of paradoxes. Once his thoughts had held consistency and structure. It had been cultivated on discipline and steeped in leadership. It was a warrior's mind and it strove for perfection.

Chaotic harmony

Now Leonardo's consciousness was a whirling disarray of madness. So easily he became overwhelmed with sounds, feelings, and memories. He was alone screaming in sleep. He was silently withdrawing awake.

That was the anarchy. Sometimes he wondered – when he was fit to contemplate – if that was better than the alternative. Yes, he spent time with order, but he did not sort and filter his thoughts.

Silent echoes

As often as he strayed in chaos he roamed in emptiness. Nothing to sort. Nothing to feel. Nothing to see. Just nothing.

A living breathing vacuum in the form of a mutant turtle. His eyes became glassy – he would know if he had the ability to examine his reflection – with no glimmer of recognition. Somewhere he was there, but to him he believed himself to be a barren wasteland of the condemned. A prison created by his own volition or so his mind told him.

Sometimes Leonardo would return and have moments of clarity when he suspected something was not quite right. Like when Raphael still helped him bathe and would ask him if the water was warm enough. Leonardo would run his fingers under each spigot and wondered why the water felt the same. Perhaps they had run out of hot water? He decided that must have been the case and chose to ignore the obvious presence of steam curling around one of the narrow cascades. Maybe physics had changed while he was asleep? For if his own unbreakable core could shatter, surely nature's laws too could meet a similar fate?

Hollow fullness

Then there was the food. Leonardo had never had Michelangelo or Raphael's appetites, but he had always enjoyed food nonetheless. He decided he must have been mistaken. Now anything consumed was bleak and chewy. Cardboard and sawdust ingested for the sole purpose of providing nutrition. Leonardo would sometimes wonder about that. If it was such an inconvenient hassle to obtain this so called "necessary fuel" why had they not invented a food pill years ago? That surely would be better than wasting time and energy cooking.

Yet when he watched the others at the table they seemed pleased with the concept, and there was that occasional nagging memory... So he would join them at meals and follow suit. Leonardo's efforts were rewarded with sludgy balls of bolus rolling uncomfortably through his gut until expelled.

Numb pain

Often Leonardo was in pain. Of course his injuries from his battle in New York provided him discomfort. Their severity demanded nothing less. Leonardo was extremely frustrated with their presence, but it was not these wounds that threatened the turtle's endurance. His ghost pains were far worse than any cut or fracture.

Every day at some point he would experience some form of their terror. He was plagued by crawling sensations on his skin when nothing was there. His adrenalin-filled legs would often spasm in agony, screaming for flight. He would panic at sudden stabs in the gut. His hands would cramp as though he were gripping his katana for his life. Every time he would jerk around abruptly looking for the source of his threat. Every time no one would be there. There would be no Foot, no Kraang, and there would be no Shredder ready to pierce him again with his gauntlet's blades.

Waking nightmares

Leonardo would give anything to undo what had happened in New York. The Kraang invasion, losing to Shredder, the death of… All of it had been a result of his failure. His failure to lead. His failure in ninjutsu. His failure to his brothers. His failure to Master Splinter. He had not been good enough, and now the world was suffering because of his incompetence.

All of his brothers had told him otherwise. They all claimed he had done his best. They said he had done nothing wrong and that no one could have prevented what happened. Leonardo knew the truth. His brothers were lying to him. Maybe they were lying in order to protect his feelings, but they could not hide from Leonardo what he had discovered on his own. They could not hide their brother from himself.

Dreaming awake

If he had been stronger, faster, smarter, and better trained. If he had been better. If he had been perfect. He should be perfect, but Leonardo couldn't be perfect. He had not been enough. He would never be enough, and Leonardo hated himself for it.

Leonardo may have been recovering physically, but as the months dragged on, his anger towards his failures began to turn inwards. That anger turned to hate and soon he was filled with only self-loathing. He was disgusted with himself. His reflection was repulsive. He hated the very skin he was in and felt himself itching in anxiety. He wanted to strip it off. He wanted to be someone – anyone – else.

But he couldn't.

Instead he was Leonardo. The failure. The screw-up. The bane of everyone's existence. It was obvious he was holding the others back. He was too weak to fight. Too weak to strategize. Too weak for anything.

Leonardo believed he deserved punishment for his cowardice. Justice sought its right and so Leonardo had to suffer even if it meant wandering in endless waking oblivion. It was his penance. The abyss became both prison and sanctuary. With every passing day, he drifted deeper into its folds.

As time inched by, he began to yearn for that emptiness. It was the lesser of two evils. It wasn't pleasant – that lonely solitary void – but at least he could ease the shame. At least he could ease the loathing. Instead, he felt nothing at all.

Grounded freedom

His stints in reality became fewer. It was cruel and unkind. It was a constant reminder of his sins – steel wool on his heart. When he was present, he noticed dark tentacles in his peripheral vision. Before leaving New York he had never seen such things. Then he would have been weary – if not afraid – of their presence. Here, they were his silent companions. Guardians that protected his heart, shielded his vision, and numbed his thoughts.

They gave him comfort and he yearned for their embrace. He did not fear them dragging him into the ground. In fact, he welcomed their presence and dreamt of the security of that heavy earth - soil filling his mouth, dirt clogging his ears, worms stroking his eyes. Leonardo did not tell the others of his dark angels. He did not want to share them. They were his alone – his promise of salvation.

Familiar strangers

Leonardo jerked back to reality to examine a cold plate of spaghetti. He was trying to remember how he came to be in possession of said meal – not to mention what he was supposed to do with it – when he heard sounds outside the farmhouse. Although the ability was slowly starting to ebb, Leonardo still was forcibly pushed to some level of awareness from the many years of his training. Part of him eagerly anticipated the moment when even that would no longer call him back – maybe then he would find the respite he sought.

After a listening a moment, Leonardo identified the voices to belong to Raphael and April. The eldest turtle hadn't even realized Raphael had been absent all day until April mentioned it while cooking. By the time dinner was served and steam was wafting up from the sauce-coated noodles, Leonardo had managed to deduce that only April and him were at the house. April had instinctively responded to his worry and set out to find their missing comrades, insisting Leonardo eat while she searched. After only a few minutes, the turtle had sunk back into his previous state and only now was returning. He glanced at the clock and realized April had been gone almost two hours. Not only had Leonardo not managed to eat anything, but he had no clue if anyone else had returned.

The old Leonardo would have been concerned by absence of Michelangelo, Donatello, and Casey. Now he felt he could not be bothered, which left him feeling both empty and even more ashamed and doubly yearning once more for his eerie asylum.

Leonardo's glassy eyes observed April and his brother enter the kitchen. They both kept glancing at the other with subtle smiles lingering on their lips. The oldest turtle was wondering if he should ask what the joke was, when April's eyes locked onto his full plate of noodles, "Is something wrong Leo?"

All the turtle could do was cock his head in confusion. April gestured in his plate's direction, "You haven't eaten anything. Is my cooking that bad?"

Slowly the dusty cobwebbed pieces chinked together, "Huh? No it was great April! I guess I just wasn't hungry."

The red-head frowned, "You haven't been sitting here the whole time I was gone have you?"

Raphael had been watching this exchange. His arms were folded and Leonardo thought he bore an uncharacteristically pensive expression considering the circumstances, "I was just lost in thought! Is that a crime?"

April flinched slightly at Leonardo's tone and Raphael's frown deepened, "Look Leo, don't get all pissy. April's just worried about you."

Leonardo rolled his eyes, "There's nothing to worry about. I'm fine."

Raphael looked as though he had something a little more vicious to say on the matter, but his reply was halted abruptly by the appearance of one Casey Jones. The male teenage stormed into the room, took one look at April and Raphael standing side-by-side and instantly saved Leonardo from further interrogation, "Wow Red, not wasting any time are you?"

The red-banded turtle bristled and April snapped, "What's that supposed to mean?"

Casey leaned one shoulder against the doorframe, "Exactly what you think it does."

Before April could respond, Raphael took a step towards Casey, "Listen Jones, if you've got a problem-"

Leonardo felt like his eyes had entered an unscheduled tennis match in their kitchen when Casey interrupted with a smirk, "It's your girlfriend who has a problem Raph."

Once again Leonardo's brain was valiantly struggling to push the pieces of this new puzzle together, but if the last puzzle was dusty, this one was covered in cement. His confusion was answered by April's response, "No, I'm pretty sure you're the one with the problem Casey."

April grabbed Raphael's hand – Leonardo felt his jaw unhinge at his brother's blush – and turned her eyes reassuringly up to the red-banded turtle before returning her glare at Casey, "It's Raphael and my choice to be together, not yours."

Leonardo knew he must have missed something. The eldest turtle had no idea April and his brother had feelings for each other. Of course he knew about Donatello, but Raphael? That in itself was another question Leonardo grasped onto: what about Donatello? Did this brother know of this new romantic alliance? The blue-banded turtle felt his stomach coil in shame. How long had he been gone – either asleep or awake – to miss such developments?

The shame threatened to choke him and Leonardo found himself withdrawing right in front of the others. He had once again failed his family. He had failed them all.

Silently screaming

A/N To my lovely reviewers:

Jugalomalice: Thank-you for your kind words! It has indeed been tricky at times for that very reason. I have to admit I've had to dig through many 2k12 episodes to find hints of Raphril (or that I chose to interpret as Raphril). Hopefully you'll continue to enjoy the story as it progresses!

Terri: I know! I feel the same way! I just want them to be together officially! I swear I've watched the end of "Race with the Demon" a billion times just to bask in that moment's glory. Oh well in the meantime I will just have to satisfy myself with writing them together =P Thank-you again for reading and reviewing! I am using another new format with this chapter that I think fits Leo's POV and current situation quite well. So please let me know what you think =)

GuestZ: Yeah Donatello is going to struggle for a while yet… I won't give away things with Casey though since I'm getting into that more below =) And I'm glad the Raphril part came across well! I really can't get enough of those two 3

Komnenid: Haha I totally agree! I know the canon always has Casey and April as the go-to couple and although I like Casey I always wanted April to end up with one of the turtles. I like Donnie too... but I like Raph better. Also thank-you so much for reading, reviewing, favouriting, and following me! It is very much appreciated and I am so excited to have another fan =D