A/N I do not own TMNT, but am forever grateful for their existence!
Thanks again for reading and reviewing! =)
Love or Blood
Chapter 14: Sinking Smiles
His facial muscles were sore. Several days had passed since he had put his plan into motion, and whether it was by beginning his morning ritual by plastering on his fake smile or massaging his face before bed, Donatello constantly fought to suppress the violent cyclone of emotions that now engulfed him.
That first morning had brought him a potent mix of longing and jealousy. Originally, he had deemed it better to avoid April until the inevitable day of Raphael's self-destruction. To wear a mask of normalcy around Raphael had been a challenge enough for the intellectual turtle, but April was more intuitive than his older brother. Every time Donatello interacted with April, he risked revealing his true intentions to the ravishing red-head. His emotions simply became too unreliable, and when combined with his already inhibited logic in her presence, the purple-clad turtle knew he should temporarily limit his April exposure.
He made a mental note that when any plan involved April, he needed to be prepared to calculate for contingency. It was this dire oversight that led Donatello to April's garden that first morning to set-up a mock irrigation system. It had been a grueling few hours, but with Casey as his assistant, some spades, and an ample supply of hosing, their vegetable patch had been successfully equipped to survive the approaching long hot summer.
Although the experience had provided no private interactions with the girl, it was still almost unbearable for Donatello to look in her direction. For every time he saw that angelic face, he found himself plummeting towards earth knowing she now belonged to Raphael. As the morning progressed, his envy grew. When they retired to the house for a late lunch, the sight of his older brother made his jealousy flourish. After a few ill-conceived comments that were far less subtle than he had intended, Donatello knew he needed to become more detached from the situation or otherwise threaten the very internal structure of his strategy.
When the couple disappeared into the woods, Donatello foolishly believed that if the objects of his current anguish were absent he would gain relief. Several hours later, after the sun began to sink behind the horizon, the turtle deduced he could publish a paper thoroughly examining the million inherent flaws in the idiom, "out of sight, out of mind" and why the phrase had no observable relevancy in reality. If his primary argument of interest didn't revolve around mutant turtle brothers stealing girlfriends and the unfortunate inherent bias involved, Donatello would have set to work typing instead of compulsively snapping his head every ten seconds to see if his experimental subjects had returned – that or he would have at least stopped nicking himself with the potato peeler every other minute.
Eventually it became apparent around eight that the couple was in no rush to return, and Donatello applied himself to brooding. How he was going to outlast Raphael in this silent competition of wills – that the other may or may not realize he was a part of – the purple-clad turtle had no idea. All he knew was he needed to stay strong, but it was hard to remain vigilant when he spied Raphael carrying a slumbering April on his shell into the house just before midnight.
It became even harder come four in the morning when the rain started.
Donatello knew spring could be wet North Hampton, but the weather that pummelled their home over the next several days gave a whole new meaning to the word. He was sure it was the Deluge, and half expected to see an ark floating by any day. Of course being a turtle and growing up in a sewer didn't make the reptile opposed to some rain. What he was opposed to was driving rain that brutally stung when it finished its pilgrimage from the sky above and the accompanying bouts golf ball-sized hail. Both of which had rendered the barn roof utterly useless. Morale was low for everyone, but being trapped in a small house watching Raphael surreptitiously make advances on his April left Donatello with both boiling blood and a smothering heart.
Evidently Casey Jones had recovered from the rejection. The first day he and Raphael had procured somewhat stilted conversation, but by the next day it was as though they had never argued. Donatello secretly admired Casey's ability to simply accept things for as they were. It certainly seemed to earn back April's trust, and left the vigilante happy. Alas, Donatello was a very different being from Casey Jones, which he understood all too well the morning the rain finally stopped.
The first indication that the weather had finally relented came at cockcrow and to the delight of everyone, the high-pitched proclamations from a certain small orange-clad jubilant turtle, "GUYS! IT'S STOPPED RAINING! THE SUN IS BACK!"
The second indication came from the empty bunk next to Donatello's. Every chance he got lately had seen Leonardo heading out into the woods. With the poor weather the last few days, Michelangelo had effectively put Leonardo on house arrest. Of course their older brother always managed to sneak past the younger turtle – Michelangelo had even tried sleeping at the base of the front door and so usually the frustrated announcements at being foiled yet again by ever-cunning Leonardo would awaken the light-sleeping ninja turtles. Donatello had asked Leonardo why their youngest brother was giving him such a hard time. The eldest casually stated it was stealth training. Something about the conversation seemed a little astray; however Donatello knew how seriously Leonardo took his training and simply brushed it off as his brother finally recovering from his ordeal.
The third indication came from the window. Bright, brilliant, and beautiful sunshine finally penetrated the windows instead of dreary cloud-filled gloom. Donatello pulled open the blinds to see tiny trails of evaporated rain drops on the glass. The occasional wisp of white contrasted the sky's high frequency blue, and already his olive-coloured scales detected the oncoming heat promised by the sun's intensity.
When he entered the kitchen, Donatello had already mentally scheduled his day. Now that the rain had finally ceased, the first and most important goal of the day was to go to the barn to repair the sections of roof that had ruptured from the tempest's voluminous aquatic onslaught. Donatello had more than missed hiding from the others in his straw-smelling sanctuary, but the moment he began to inhale his coffee, his marvelous plans crumpled at the manifestation of two baby blue eyes. He sighed and pinched between his eyes, "What is it Mikey?"
His brother folded his hands as though in prayer, "Please come swimming with us Donnie!"
Donatello glanced around to see a newly-arrived Casey now lounging with a towel over his bare shoulder. At the sight of his black swim shorts, he absently wondered if all the clothing the hockey-player owned was dark-coloured. The turtle didn't ponder it long for it was at that moment April strode in wearing a sublime yellow one piece leaving him breathless. When Raphael followed closely in behind the red-head, the purple-clad turtle found himself inhaling sharply while his older brother leaned in and whispered something in her ear. April's cheeks reddened as she shoved him coyly in response to his cocky smirk. Donatello's stomach churned as he watched the girl's eyes smoothly dance over Raphael's slightly sweaty figure – apparently the muscle head had already started his daily exercise regimen – and found his jaw unhinge slightly to discover his older brother's own cheeks darkening.
The two were so lost in each other they had not registered their spectators, but Michelangelo's eyes flicked rapidly from the couple to Donatello and back before giving the purple-clad turtle a look he could not recognize. Yet when he spoke his voice bore no sign of any deeper emotions only superfluous excitement, "Pleeeeeeaaaassseeee Donnnnnnniiiiiiieeeee. Everyone is coming!"
Donatello folded his arms as the attention in the room focused on him, "Is Leo?"
For the briefest of moments that look appeared on Michelangelo's face again, but Donatello swore if he didn't know better, his little brother had a glint of anger in his eyes. Before the youngest responded Raphael stepped towards his brothers, "No he's not," he placed a large hand on Michelangelo and gave Donatello a pointed look, "Still, Fearless wouldn't want us to waste the day because he's gone."
The purple-clad turtle saw Raphael's hand muscles tighten slightly to squeeze the younger's shoulder, which led to Donatello's resigned sigh, "Alright fine, but Mikey you'd better help me with the barn roof tomorrow."
His cheerfully upbeat little brother was back. He saluted, "Aye, aye captain!" Then turned tail and bolted through the door shouting, "Last one to the lake is a rotten egg!"
Casey was in close pursuit, "Casey Jones ain't no egg!"
Donatello glanced in Raphael's direction to see the couple once again exchanging a silent look. He frowned deeply and then pelted after the others, desperate that some distance would somehow alleviate the anger he felt. Yet, even as he dove into the cool lake water, Donatello still could not ignore the ever-present pressure on his chest. When he surfaced to see dual pools of emerald and sapphire collide, he knew no amount of space would ever pacify his suffocating core.
All he could do was bury his sinking heart among the reeds to resurface with a smile on his face.
A/N Just for the record, no one is going to die in this fic. I don't want to give anything away because Leonardo actually is really important to my plot, but I just wanted to alleviate some of the concerns I got from the last chapter.
Leo's chapters always present their own unique challenges for me for multiple reasons. I don't like torturing my characters, but Leo's character needs to go through stuff in order to grow. Then there is the side of trying to present the depression in a way in which my audience can empathize because it's so much more than mere sadness. It's hard enough to understand another's experience when it's intangible but then to additionally grasp the complexity that so many mental illnesses seem to flourish from… well it's difficult whether or not you've experienced something similar.
All that said, hopefully you guys will continue to stick with me, and as always please feel free to message me if you have any questions/concerns.
And now to my always lovely reviewers,
Terri: Thank-you! It's nice to know I'm not the only one who thinks so, and I'm glad I expressed it well!
majishan: Don't worry, Leo's just in a dark place right now, but like I said above no one is going to die.
Komnenid: Thanks for giving me such a detailed review! You are right, he has lots to be thankful for and that make life good (including April =D). Unfortunately when someone is as deep in depression as Leo is their brains tend to lie to them (for a number physiological and anatomical changes that I won't get into here) and convince them otherwise. But don't worry! Leo will get his love, just not yet…